Should I let him write to his dad?

LegacyUser

I am a single parent, with a 12yr old boy. His dad and I split when I was pregnant - actually, we didn't split, he said he didn't want a baby and left. He has since married and has a 5yr old son.

Over the years, I have contacted this man to ask if he would like to see his son - usually around my sons birthday - in the early days, he would write back saying he 'wasn't ready' to see the boy - about 5yrs ago, he asked me to stop contacting him, said that he would never want to see the boy, so I never got back in touch.

My lad is now almost 13 and seems pretty well adjusted - I'm in a relationship and himself and my partner get on great. Recently, he told me he would like to write to his dad - I've been as honest as I could be with him over the years, without hurting him. I've told him his dad 'wasn't ready' to be a dad when he was born, and that it's nothing to do with him, as his dad doesn't even know him.

Anyhow, recently he said he'd like to write to him, just to let him know he's nearly 13 and other stuff.....I don't know what to do. I know he won't write back and the thoughts of my son waiting on a letter back breaks my heart. I've told him he probably won't write back, and my son says that's ok, he still wants to write.....what should I do????

CaraMay

Well done so far op. It's great you tried to get this man to know your child and shame on him for his actions.

Have you been in contact with any of his extended family?

I think you have to let him write to him and then manage his expectations about a reply. Is he interested in knowing grandparents etc?

Would also think its important for him to know his sibling... I just can't understand that man and how he could reject his son like this grrrrr

reap-a-rat

I say let him write to him. You've prepared him for the worst in that he may not write back, and your son seems to understand this and says it's OK. He probably would just like to let his Dad in on how his life is going right now, which might actually be the nudge that the Dad needs to realise he actually would like to meet him and have him in his life.

If he does write back and it's positive, it'll make your son really happy. If he doesn't write back, your son is ready for that and probably won't be too upset as he'll see that his Dad is a bit of an arse who doesn't really want to know about him. Either way, he'll know, and he'll gain some sort of solace from those facts.

LegacyUser

Op your son might say he's prepared for his father not to contact him, but that's only because he thinks that he's going to get a reply from him. I think he'll be heartbroken if he doesn't get an answer.

Could you contact the father first of all & explain what is going to happen and appeal to his sense of decency to reply to the child, if only to acknowledge the letter but not to make any further plans.

Also as another poster said, what about the grandparents. Maybe they would like some contact with him and this would be something else for your son to focus on?

clairefontaine

I don't know.

I remember years ago I had told a friend of mine to let her son write his father, who clearly was incapable of being a father or of wanting to be one.

So he did write to him and never got a reply. And he was heart broken. I regret encouraging her in that direction. He had invested a lot in the sending of it. If you just send a letter out with a why not attitude it's another thing, but a child sending a letter to a biological parent who has rejected them, that's a whole other hill of beans.

Neither of you know this man, he is at this stage a complete stranger. You may as well open the phone book, point your finger to some randomer and try to write a letter to him.

Obviously you know your son better than anyone here does. And you are the best judge for what your son can deal with and what he can't, but that would be my take on it, which may not be the right one. I really don't know, it's a toughie.

catallus

Contact the father and let him know the score. Let your son send the letter regardless, just so long as the father knows it is coming the ball is in his court and if he has any sort of heart he will reply. If he doesn't then everyone knows he's an ass and not worth knowing.

ElleEm

Wow, OP, this post nearly had me crying. What a horrible situation! It sounds as if you have done your absolute best so far, well done for putting your son first. Obviously his father is a d!ckhead. It always puzzles me how people can walk away from their kids, but the fact that he has another son and still doesn't care to know his first born is a real character reference for the horrible man he is.

This will be such a testing thing for your son, but maybe it will act as a sort of closure for him too. If you don't let him do it now, he will most likely continue to ask you until he becomes old/ knowledgable enough to do it himself. Personally, I think your son should be commended for his mature approach, and you should support his decision as a teen/ (very!) young adult. He is growing up and I think it is great that he is taking responsibility for his own relationships. Maybe do as another poster suggested and explore the idea of forming relationships with the paternal grandparents/ aunts/ uncles.

Big Bag of Chips

Do his family know about your son? His wife, his parents, siblings? Not that it should make a difference, but could be the reason he asked you to stop contacting him.

I would sit your son down, and explain as plainly as possible what your ex said. Obviously trying not to be too blunt. But before your son sends the letter, he needs to get the romantic idea of his dad seeing sense and wanting to be part of his life, out of his head.

I think you can't stop him from sending the letter. He is getting old enough now to make his own decisions, and I think regardless of what you tell him, he will want to go ahead anyway... But I think you should give him as much information as you can, so that he is fore-armed before he starts writing it.

Good luck to you. It's not going to be easy.

LilyCullen

Wow OP, well done, you've handled it so well so far.

I would say let your son write to him and maybe have him speak to a therapist in the run up to writing the letter and afterwards especially if its likely his father won't even write back.

It's better he address these issues now at this age then bottle them up and have them become an issue at a later age.

Best of luck OP and well done again

Big Bag of Chips

One other thing to consider is what your ex will feel is YOUR role in all of this. It'll be easy to blame you for "pushing" your son on him. Although contacting him beforehand to flag it with him might seem a good idea, I can't help but think you will be told not to allow him to send the letter under any circumstances... Then what do you do? Be the bad guy for your son?

If he sends it without you contacting the dad, I can imagine you getting some sort of reply from him not being impressed and for allowing your son to contact him... Etc...


I think either way, he will find a way to blame you for this.

At the end of the day, though, your only loyalty is to your son. And if its something he really wants to do, you need to support him and be there for him if/when it goes wrong.

You don't owe his dad anything. You don't owe him the courtesy of a phone call, or you don't owe him the "courtesy" of keeping your son away from him.

Even if you do stop him, for now, he's not going to be a young teenager forever...

clairefontaine

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

One other thing to consider is what your ex will feel is YOUR role in all of this. It'll be easy to blame you for "pushing" your son on him. Although contacting him beforehand to flag it with him might seem a good idea, I can't help but think you will be told not to allow him to send the letter under any circumstances... Then what do you do? Be the bad guy for your son?

If he sends it without you contacting the dad, I can imagine you getting some sort of reply from him not being impressed and for allowing your son to contact him... Etc...


I think either way, he will find a way to blame you for this.

At the end of the day, though, your only loyalty is to your son. And if its something he really wants to do, you need to support him and be there for him if/when it goes wrong.

You don't owe his dad anything. You don't owe him the courtesy of a phone call, or you don't owe him the "courtesy" of keeping your son away from him.

Even if you do stop him, for now, he's not going to be a young teenager forever...

Absolutely. If he finds the letter an irritant, he will blame you OP, but don't take it personally. Roll your eyes up to heaven and ignore.

You are not alive to protect his father from his own pain or accountability to the other person who created him. Choices come back to haunt you and well.... here it comes.

BBOC is right. Don't flag it.

ash23

I'm not sure I'd encourage him to write. Perhaps tell him that you will write to him. Let him see the letter before you send it. Just something along the lines of letting him know his son would like to get in touch with his father, a bit about him (age interests etc).

I somehow feel that if he is rejected again it might be buffered slightly by directing it via you than being directly rejected.

clairefontaine

A big part of me disagrees with the buffering and protection from rejection.

There could be a huge invaluable lesson in learning how to deal with and cope with rejection, and how to overcome it. It could make for a much stronger person. If you can cope with biological parent rejecting you, the world is your oyster.

I know that sounds weird, but if you notice most of the advice here is from women, and without getting too much into gender stuff, women don't like taking risks and are not encouraged to experience rejection [think courtship].

I'd be scared too if there was a reply, what if a can of worms, cough... pandora's box is openned up.

But then another big part of me agrees with the protection. I don't agree with giving the dad a head's up, mom is putting herself in the line of fire.

Idle Passerby

ash23 wrote: »

I'm not sure I'd encourage him to write. Perhaps tell him that you will write to him. Let him see the letter before you send it. Just something along the lines of letting him know his son would like to get in touch with his father, a bit about him (age interests etc).

I somehow feel that if he is rejected again it might be buffered slightly by directing it via you than being directly rejected.

I don't agree with this. The boy is nearly 13, he knows his dad has not been interested in knowing him his whole life and has been cautioned that his dad may not respond. I think the boy feels its something he needs to do for himself.

He has approached his mother to say that he wants to contact him. He has not asked her to be a go between and I think her stepping in to that role of her own volition would take away the boys sense of autonomy in this matter.

OP, I think you have done a good job bringing up your son without his father and without creating a negative image of him despite his callous behavior. Your son knows his dad may not be interested in knowing him but still wants to make an attempt to get in touch. I think you should support his decision but let him do it by himself and be there for him if it doesn't have a happy outcome.

Also, I dont think you should warn the dad about his son getting in touch, the issue is out of your hands.

ash23

If he was a bit older I'd be more inclined to let him take the risk and learn the lesson but at 13 he's only a child really. It's a hard enough age without opening yourself to that kind of rejection. 15 or 16, he'll be dealing with rejection from other relationships etc but I personally at 13 think it's still a parents job to protect him from that kind of thing.

clairefontaine

ash23 wrote: »

If he was a bit older I'd be more inclined to let him take the risk and learn the lesson but at 13 he's only a child really. It's a hard enough age without opening yourself to that kind of rejection. 15 or 16, he'll be dealing with rejection from other relationships etc but I personally at 13 think it's still a parents job to protect him from that kind of thing.

Problem.

If the son gets rejected again, and he doesn't hear it from the horse's mouth, he could protect himself from the hurt by blaming the mother, another relationship ruined.

As a general rule, triangulation is never a good idea to start off with.

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

My lad is now almost 13 and seems pretty well adjusted - I'm in a relationship and himself and my partner get on great. Recently, he told me he would like to write to his dad - I've been as honest as I could be with him over the years, without hurting him. I've told him his dad 'wasn't ready' to be a dad when he was born, and that it's nothing to do with him, as his dad doesn't even know him.

OP is your son aware that his father has another child and is raising that child? My advice isn't massively different either way but if he isn't aware of this fact it might be worth sitting him down and explaining it to him before he writes to him/attempts any contact as that might be a shock and hurtful to him if it's something he is not aware of.

I think you should allow him to write to him because if he doesn't try now he is going to try when he's older and most likely without discussing it with you and may end up hurting more. There are three out comes to this if he tries now. Either he gets no reply back....it will be tough for you both but you'll be there for each other and he adjusts and moves on. Or he gets a reply and it answers the questions he has and he adjusts and moves on. Or third option he gets a reply but it's not exactly what he wanted...hurtful rejection sort.

Now going by what you've written it will be the first option. As he now has a child and is settled I would assume he has matured enough not to write something hurtful back to a 12 year old and who knows maybe he would like the contact but feels he cut himself out of his sons life by his actions and walking away and will take the chance now to have some sort of interaction with him even if it's just a letter. You and your son are just going to have to take that chance - personally I'd rather deal with an upset 12 year old now then an upset and angry 18 year old.

Czarcasm

ash23 wrote: »

If he was a bit older I'd be more inclined to let him take the risk and learn the lesson but at 13 he's only a child really. It's a hard enough age without opening yourself to that kind of rejection. 15 or 16, he'll be dealing with rejection from other relationships etc but I personally at 13 think it's still a parents job to protect him from that kind of thing.

In fairness ash, from what the OP tells us, he sounds like a child matured beyond his years tbh! I understand what you mean by protecting the child from rejection, but I think more important than protecting him from rejection is being there for him and guiding him and helping him understand that his biological father may not want a relationship with him. Again, from what the OP tells us, it sounds like she has prepared him for this eventuality and brought her child up with a fairly good head on his shoulders!

If I may OP I have to congratulate you on this occasion because often times I see children resent the other parent for what they see as abandoning the parent that raised them, and sometimes the parent will instill a bitterness in the children that stays with them. Your child doesn't seem to demonstrate any of this, so fair dues on that much also!

As claire says, if a child is able to cope with the rejection of a biological parent, the world is indeed their oyster, but at least having you there to support and guide him will help him cope and understand the reasons why his biological father may not want his son to be involved in his "new" life.

clairefontaine

Czarcasm wrote: »

In fairness ash, from what the OP tells us, he sounds like a child matured beyond his years tbh! I understand what you mean by protecting the child from rejection, but I think more important that protecting him from rejection is being there for him and guiding him and helping him understand that his biological father may not want a relationship with him. Again, from what the OP tells us, it sounds like she has prepared him for this eventuality and brought her child up with a fairly good head on his shoulders!

If I may OP I have to congratulate you on this occasion because often times I see children resent the other parent for what they see as abandoning the parent that raised them, and sometimes the parent will instill a bitterness in the children that stays with them. Your child doesn't seem to demonstrate any of this, so fair dues on that much also!

As claire says, if a child is able to cope with the rejection of a biological parent, the world is indeed their oyster, but at least having you there to support and guide him will help him cope and understand the reasons why his biological father may not want his son to be involved in his "new" life.

YES!!! I meant to comment on that. It seems like your son has not caved to bitterness and still willing and able to reach out. He must be a really good person!!!!

You know it is your instinct to want to protect him, but you know when you are watching them learn to walk and you know they are going to get more knocks than Mohammed Ali, but you have to let them, even though your face is making all sorts of contortionist images by what is going to come next? Or the playground when you want to reach out and just help them that little bit to get them up there, but you restrain yourself and conjur up some patience and some lip biting and wait for them to sort it out?

Autonomy and all its falls are hard. Don't worry mom, you can handle this. You have done it many many times already!

ash23

I was a similar age (12) when I was told by a vindictive relative that the reason I didn't go on holidays with my father when he took my siblings wasn't because I was too young, as I had been told and accepted for years, but because my father didn't want me.

It kinda messed me up.

Why did he want them and not me? What was wrong with me? Combine that with the general insecurity that a child/young teen feels and imo, it's a recipe for disaster. My mother had protected me from that and I had accepted things as they were until the obvious truth was put in front of me and shattered that innocence.

At the moment the OP is protecting her son from the rejection by saying that the father "wasn't ready". I would imagine that now that the son knows that the father has another child, who he parents, he must be ready now....right? It's logical and simple.

But adult relationships aren't logical and simple and there's so much that the child wouldn't understand if he was rejected again. Why does the man love one son and not the other? Who can answer a question like that, let alone a 13 year old child.

He isn't approaching this thinking he won't get a response imo, even if he says he knows.

I just think that he deserves another few years innocence before having to deal with the situation he is in which is that his father is capable of being a father but for some unknown and bewildering reason, does not want to be a father to him.

clairefontaine

OP, have you asked him why now? What has inspired him to want to do this?

clairefontaine

ash23 wrote: »

I was a similar age (12) when I was told by a vindictive relative that the reason I didn't go on holidays with my father when he took my siblings wasn't because I was too young, as I had been told and accepted for years, but because my father didn't want me.

It kinda messed me up.

Why did he want them and not me? What was wrong with me? Combine that with the general insecurity that a child/young teen feels and imo, it's a recipe for disaster. My mother had protected me from that and I had accepted things as they were until the obvious truth was put in front of me and shattered that innocence.

At the moment the OP is protecting her son from the rejection by saying that the father "wasn't ready". I would imagine that now that the son knows that the father has another child, who he parents, he must be ready now....right? It's logical and simple.

But adult relationships aren't logical and simple and there's so much that the child wouldn't understand if he was rejected again. Why does the man love one son and not the other? Who can answer a question like that, let alone a 13 year old child.

He isn't approaching this thinking he won't get a response imo, even if he says he knows.

I just think that he deserves another few years innocence before having to deal with the situation he is in which is that his father is capable of being a father but for some unknown and bewildering reason, does not want to be a father to him.

Ash, your mother should have said you take all of them, or you take none of them.

Also, Im not sure how lying with "not ready to be a dad" is protecting him. It's bull****. Life is full of things we are not ready for. Death, birth, exams, the telephone bill, the divorce papers that come to the door, the school bell.

He doesn't want to, or didn't want to, there are a million possible reasons and a vindictive relative may have had it wrong, but you chose to believe her, because no one guided you through it, they chose to lie to you instead. Because it's easier but it's the lies that destroy us.

ash23

clairefontaine wrote: »

Ash, your mother should have said you take all of them, or you take none of them.

Not as simple as that when there are court orders in place.

Also, Im not sure how lying with "not ready to be a dad" is protecting him. It's bull****. Life is full of things we are not ready for. Death, birth, exams, the telephone bill, the divorce papers that come to the door, the school bell.

He doesn't want to, or didn't want to, there are a million possible reasons and a vindictive relative may have had it wrong, but you chose to believe her, because no one guided you through it, they chose to lie to you instead. Because it's easier.

Its all well and good saying that if he can handle this rejection the world is his oyster and it will make him stronger. However there is another side to that....what if he doesn't handle it well and it really affects him.

OP knows her son best and really none of us can say whether this child is able to handle the rejection or not but there are two sides to that coin and while taking it on the chin and moving on is best case scenario, the alternative is a child who ends up very very hurt and rejected.

If the OP thinks her son is ready to take that on and come out the other side then he should send the letter. If not, if she thinks it might knock his confidence or really hurt him, then perhaps there's no harm waiting until he is a bit older.

After all, there's no rush. And no point rushing into the decision either. It's something that I think I would discuss at length with the child and then hold off for a month or two to make sure it's not just a fleeting desire.

LegacyUser

Op here - thank you all so much for the responses, I thought this was a yes or no answer, but I can see so many sides to my question now.

To answer a few questions;

I did ask him why now - his reply was that he used to wonder when he would be old enough to contact him himself, and he thinks he's old enough now (he is quite hormonal at the moment, we are having ALOT of conversations about it being part of growing up and maturing).
I was in a relationship with his dad for over 3yrs, so I know the man very well - after this lenght of time, I would imagine he is too embarrassed to reach out to his son. I knew when his wife was pregnant, and was convinced once that child was born, he would get in contact. But there was nothing. I sometimes wonder about his wife - I know my own partner has kids, and I do anything and everything I can to encourage his relationship with them...but who knows what kind of woman she is, or what kind of relationship they have.

I never really got to know his family - we lived abroad for a period, and he had a falling out with his parents when we got back - it was easy for him to keep them distant, so I never built a relationship with any of them. I actually have a nephew in the same situation as my own son - my brothers son - he would be 20 now and although he lives in a different county (my sons dad lives about 5 miles away from us), I often wonder about him, but have never contacted him - perhaps my sons 'other' family feel the same about my son?

Thanks for all the compliments too - I was always honest with him, from the start - I openly talked about his dad and have tried to keep the conversation positive (although it killed me!), because I have always been aware that despite what my ex says - I have no control over the relationship he has with his son - only he can answer why he has never made contact - no doubt he has come up with some reason to get himself through life, and has also blocked out the fact that he has a son 5 miles away. I didn't want my lad to grow up full of resentment for a man who doesn't even know him.

Thanks again - haven't decided just what to do yet, but am leaning towards letting him write the letter - I won't get in touch before hand because for whoever said that could go haywire, I know it would - he would either send me a stinker of a letter, or just plain ignore me (probably ignore me), which would not help at all.

Maura74

His father may not want to make contact because his may not have told his family about his background. If he does not reply this will be a disappointment for your son. Has your son seen a photo of his dad, if not, do you have a photo of him to show your son. If he has not seen a photo of his dad and you can show one that hat may help his curiosity a little for now as he may just want to see what he looks like.

Do you think your sons dad may have a Facebook account, it is worth searching to see if there is one for him, which would give you an idea of what his is doing and take it from there.

Tramps Like Us

OP you have to let him because he has asked.

What if you make him wait until he is eighteen or older and his dad responds positively? Your son will resent you for those "lost years".

clairefontaine

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

OP you have to let him because he has asked.

What if you make him wait until he is eighteen or older and his dad responds positively? Your son will resent you for those "lost years".

Or what if he dies between now and then. Maybe not a probability but it does happen.

December2012

I think you have to let him do it. Try to make sure that your son knows you and your partner will always support him, no matter what the outcome.

Rejection is already an issue. His dad has already rejected him. He may change his mind. Which will bring complications to your family life, but that's not the priority.

The priority is that your son knows and trusts that you will ALWAYS have his back, even if he is doing something that you might not want him to do.

animum

Hi op..

I was in the same situation as your son isnow when I was 13. I asked my mom for the details of my dad and he said she would try to find them for me, I would imagine this was giving her time to come up with a coping strategy for the situation.
In the mean time I went to the adoption office in town and tried to get more info, which I wasn't allowed until I was 18.
My mom eventually gave me a phone number. I was adamant on ringing him and tellin him all about my life and I had a million questions to ask.
I never did ring, I held that number in my jewellery box to call, I put more effort into being allowed to call him than into actually calling him.

I think give him the information he wants, let him know, that you think he is old enough and mature enough to do this.
I don't think you should call beforehand, and just let your son know, how proud you are and how truly amazing he is.

Would a phone call be better than a letter, waiting on a reply through the post would be torture.

Let him ring. If there is rejection, it would be short and sweet, as horrible as that sounds. My heart would bleed watching him watch the post every day.

Just my thoughts. Best of luck.

Maura74

There is no bond between your son and his dad, if he meet him he will be just a just a stranger to him, but I expect he has conjured up an image of him in his mind and wants to satisfy his curiosity about him.

It maybe that your sons dad does not want to make contact due to him having new family commitments and probably does not want to put that in jeopardy. Not sure if he is paying you maintenance or not, but that may also be an issue for him as well.
With a letter it’s easy to ignore, also he may not get the letter if another member of his family accidentally opens it, which would cause lots of problems especially if they are not aware of your son’s existences.

As animum said above give your son his telephone and that will give him the option whether he wants to make contact with him or not.

Whatever you decide to do best of luck with it and hope it all goes well.

Ham Sambo

Fair play to you, by all accounts you have raised a good kid, I have had similar experiences coming from a step-dad angle, My wife and I got married some years back, at that time she had a two year old boy from a previous relationship, his father was a complete and utter gob-sh*te, he never even entertained the notion of having any type of relationship with his son.

At some stage you will have to sit your son down and be completely open and honest as to why his so-called father doesn't want to know him, better now rather than your son finding out himself, best of luck and keep up the good work.

Lola18

I think it would be a good idea to let him write the letter. Again reassure him that he may not get a reply but not too strongly as he may think you "jinxed" it!
I think once he's ready in his head you need to let him do it or he may feel like you don't want him to know his dad and then his brain could go into overdrive thinking well maybe she wouldn't let dad see me and silly things.
It may seem a little bit OTT but it went through my head for a while.

I never knew my biological dad until I was 21. But was always told growing up that whenever I wanted mum would get his number or address (she kept in contact with his sister for this reason). It was my choice to wait until then.

The Corinthian

If someone is old enough to be able to make a concious decision to want to contact a missing parent, then they're probably old enough to actually do so. One may delay this for a perhaps a further year or two at most, but once the question's been asked, there's not much you can, or should do, beyond preparing them for the worst.

As for the worst, which would be worst? Never scratching that itch, because someone else was afraid of your being rejected, or being ultimately rejected but at least having some level of closure. Question is is any child ready for that at 12? Probably more than we would imagine.

I had a girlfriend in college who contacted her biological mother when she was 19, and received a polite 'cease and desist' reply. She was heartbroken, but ultimately it gave her closure.

Another thing to bare in mind is that once the missing parent and the child are in communication, you can't (and really shouldn't try to ) control it. Not all missing father/mother scenarios are black and white, but often they're portrayed as such and a child can end up growing up with such a view. Upon meeting the other parent, the narrative they've grown up with can often end up being put into question or even completely demolished, so this is something to bare in mind.

Unfortunately I have a friend who had that situation. He contacted his father when he was 14, with his mother's permission and facilitation. When his father replied, the mother intercepted the letter and withheld it, because she did not like the revelations in it (turned out she has largely blocked the father from his son's life). He was naturally heartbroken, and a few years ago his father died. Then he discovered the letter. He's cut all contact with his mother since.

MissFlitworth

I think there's probably only so long you can put this off for, he's 12 now and will probably accept you saying no but at 13/14/15? Especially with access to Facebook & other ways of tracking people down so readily available to kids. I think, unfortunately, there's hurt there waiting for your son and you can't put it off forever, all you can do is your best to lessen it for him when it happens. That might mean saying 'no' for now while you talk to people who've been in the same situation or are counsellors who specifically deal with children and the issues that having an absent parent causes so you can have your strategies in place to deal with the fallout (which could be anything from no reply to a 'Leave me alone' reply to his 'father' wanting a relationship or acting like he wants a relationship because he feels trapped by the letter and that he'd be a bad guy for not answering and so generally messing your kid about').

So if you can't stop it the best you can do is prepare for the fallout and make a point of reminding your son over and over (probably in action rather than in word) again of all the people who have chosen to come into his life and be part of his family over the years

Big Bag of Chips

Have you ever looked in to Rainbows? It's a program for kids whose parents are separated, or who have an absent parent, or for kids who have lost a parent through bereavement.

It's a peer program where they meet kids their own age, and in the same or similar circumstances to themselves... It eases the feeling that they are the only one going through something like this.

I have heard only good things about it, from a few people who have used it.. including one glowing recommendation from the 12 year old year old daughter of my friend!

Maura74

From what I understand the son has have a half brother and if he lives with his father that's only 15 miles away from he reside they may become friends.

I know someone that met his dad when he was in his 20's however the father partners know of his existence and that was OK when he and his GF knock on their door.

He was pleased to see his half brother and sister and they stayed friends for a while, but he has got on with his own life and family but not sure if they stayed in contact.

kylith

Maura74 wrote: »

There is no bond between your son and his dad, if he meet him he will be just a just a stranger to him, but I expect he has conjured up an image of him in his mind and wants to satisfy his curiosity about him.

It maybe that your sons dad does not want to make contact due to him having new family commitments and probably does not want to put that in jeopardy. Not sure if he is paying you maintenance or not, but that may also be an issue for him as well.
With a letter it’s easy to ignore, also he may not get the letter if another member of his family accidentally opens it, which would cause lots of problems especially if they are not aware of your son’s existences.

As animum said above give your son his telephone and that will give him the option whether he wants to make contact with him or not.

Whatever you decide to do best of luck with it and hope it all goes well.

I would disagree with letting him call his father unless you could be sure that his father would be amenable. Not getting a reply to a letter is one thing, after all it could have been lost in the post, but having a parent hang up on you could be devastating. I also think that a phone call would put the father on the spot and increase the likelyhood of a negative knee-jerk reaction, whereas a letter gives him time to figure out how he wants to react to it.

Maura74

kylith wrote: »

I would disagree with letting him call his father unless you could be sure that his father would be amenable. Not getting a reply to a letter is one thing, after all it could have been lost in the post, but having a parent hang up on you could be devastating. I also think that a phone call would put the father on the spot and increase the likelyhood of a negative knee-jerk reaction, whereas a letter gives him time to figure out how he wants to react to it.

That is a decision that his mother is agonizing over, but if it were me I would call him first to see how the land lies, if I had an inkling that his dad would be rejected him.

As people gets older some mellow, but not all. Therefore if it were me I would do a much researched as possible into his father background. But that may not be easy for her.
Very difficult decision for the mother to make, perhaps she should asked her partner for help in making it as he would know her son as well and help her come to the best decision for him.

LegacyUser

Op here - thanks again - to answer a few questions -

His dads family know all about my son - his mother and siblings knew I was pregnant at the time and one sister kept in contact with me until my son was born - never heard from her once he was born.
Yes, I do receive court ordered maintenance - he has never missed one payment.

Funny you mention Rainbows - I got a letter home from the school only yesterday to say it's starting in his school soon, and I rang them this morning to see if it might be relevant for him - they told me to send him, as it can do no harm (although I was clear, stating he hasn't actually suffered a 'loss or a seperation' as he has never known his dad) but she said it might be good for him to chat to other boys who have no contact with their dads, for whatever reason. I'll sign him up for it and will be very interested to see what he gets out of it.

I don't have a phone number for his dad - he is not on FB but as I mentioned, I have his address and often drive past his house as he only lives 5 miles away. I know where his mother lives (my sons grandmother) but she is elderly and I didn't know her very well when we were together, so wouldn't approach her. Don't know where the rest of his family live - as I said, he was estranged from them when we returned to Ireland.

I have some contact with an old mutual acquaintance - which is how I know about his other son and marriage etc - I was reluctant to tell my son that his dad was raising another son (and indeed, his wife's older son who is about my sons age!!!!) - but I did tell him recently - he seemed to accept it but has mentioned his 6yr old half brother, a few times now.

CaraMay

I would call him too and get an indication of whether or not he will reply.

kylith

I would agree with contacting him beforehand too, if only to let him know to expect contact and to ask him to let the kid down gently if necessary.

animum

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you ever looked in to Rainbows? It's a program for kids whose parents are separated, or who have an absent parent, or for kids who have lost a parent through bereavement.

It's a peer program where they meet kids their own age, and in the same or similar circumstances to themselves... It eases the feeling that they are the only one going through something like this.

I have heard only good things about it, from a few people who have used it.. including one glowing recommendation from the 12 year old year old daughter of my friend!

This is fantastic advice.

From what I can gather, the OP knows that her sons letter wont be replied to, the above advise will be the best for the outcome she percieves.

I dont think the father should get any warning whatsoever, he has had 13years to think about what he would say to his son, should he ring or make contact.

If the mother got confirmation that the father wont talk to his son, how is she to deal with that? I would imagine, the son would not accept that outcome, and would want to hear it for himself. Bringing the OP back to square one, but after alot more upset in the mean time.

I never said, in my previous post, my mom and the man that raised me, sat me down and handed me the sheet of paper with my biological father's number on it. But they handed it to me together and made dam sure that I knew I had a family that loved me.. to me I took comfort in knowing that, although my moms partner didnt HAVE to love me ( i wasnt his child ) , he CHOSE to love me as his daughter.

That was all I needed at the time. Maybe thats why I never called in the end. But it was a nice way of giving me the info, I also didnt feel like I was making anyone upset by asking for the info.

Sorry if I am rambling on a bit. Its a horrible horrible situation to be in, I even text my mom this morning to tell her i loved her, cos this thread, just made be realise, how difficult it must have been for her..

Really hope ye will all be ok!

Maura74

Animum you come across as a wonderful daughter and you mom must be very proud of you. I am also happy that you made the decision that was right for you. But as you know everyone is different.

OP son may want to know his biological dad background as it may an advantage for him when he is older older and may have children of his own. His children will want to know some details about his father family origins. However for some this would not be the end of the world as I am sure there are lots of families in the same situation regarding their offspring’s and are not concerned about family roots on the parental side of the family.

The person I know that visited his biological father with his GF many years ago, apart from him wanting to see his dad and was very pleased that it went OK they were also were advised of any genetic health conditions within his family, which would been helpful if they had any children of their own as that information would be on record for them.
On the other hand OP son may not be concerned about dad side of the family, or may not have children. Therefore none of the above issue would apply to him.

I am sure OP will make the right decision for her son as she comes across as a very loving and caring parent.

animum

Maura74 wrote: »

Animum you come across as a wonderful daughter and you mom must be very proud of you. I am also happy that you made the decision that was right for you. But as you know everyone is different.

OP son may want to know his biological dad background as it may an advantage for him when he is older older and may have children of his own. His children will want to know some details about his father family origins. However for some this would not be the end of the world as I am sure there are lots of families in the same situation regarding their offspring’s and are not concerned about family roots on the parental side of the family.

The person I know that visited his biological father with his GF many years ago, apart from him wanting to see his dad and was very pleased that it went OK they were also were advised of any genetic health conditions within his family, which would been helpful if they had any children of their own as that information would be on record for them.
On the other hand OP son may not be concerned about dad side of the family, or may not have children. Therefore none of the above issue would apply to him.

I am sure OP will make the right decision for her son as she comes across as a very loving and caring parent.

Thank you for your compliment.

I made contact with my biological father a few years later, and have children of my own now, so it is great to know the medical background. I also eventually got to ask all the questions I needed to.

My response was in relation to how the situation happened to me when I was 13, and how my family dealt with it and how I felt at the time. I hope my story will help the OP to see it from another perspective.

At 13, medical history etc was not on my agenda. I wanted to know why I wasnt wanted, if the truth be known, the way my family handled it at the time, made me feel as wanted and as loved as I could have ever wanted. I feel, this is exactly what the OP wants, to make sure her child, doesnt feel, hurt, rejection, unwanted or unloved. Because I felt that for a while at 13...

LegacyUser

animum wrote: »

Thank you for your compliment.

At 13, medical history etc was not on my agenda. I wanted to know why I wasnt wanted, if the truth be known, the way my family handled it at the time, made me feel as wanted and as loved as I could have ever wanted. I feel, this is exactly what the OP wants, to make sure her child, doesnt feel, hurt, rejection, unwanted or unloved. Because I felt that for a while at 13...

Op here - I regularly tell my son that it's not HIM his dad didn't want. His dad doesn't know him, the boy with the big smile and the boy who makes all his friends laugh and who all the girls fancy...it's not HIM...
His dad just didn't want the responsibility of a child, ANY child.

Since he has found out about his younger half brother, I have told him that obviously, his dad and his new wife get on very well and that his dad and me argued alot and it was right that we didn't stay together.

It's not true, but it's the best I can do with the information I have.

clairefontaine

unregistered wrote: »

Op here - I regularly tell my son that it's not HIM his dad didn't want. His dad doesn't know him, the boy with the big smile and the boy who makes all his friends laugh and who all the girls fancy...it's not HIM...
His dad just didn't want the responsibility of a child, ANY child.

Since he has found out about his younger half brother, I have told him that obviously, his dad and his new wife get on very well and that his dad and me argued alot and it was right that we didn't stay together.

It's not true, but it's the best I can do with the information I have.

The truth as to why he loves this child and not the other one is down to timing. It's random. And that is all there is to it.

He didn't want to be a father at the time your child was born and maybe this child was his second chance at redemption.

The intense bonding between a parent and child happens in the early years and statistically if it hasn't formed before they are four years old, it will never happen. They might be friends, but that's about it. And that's a big maybe.

So your son's father missed the boat on that and so did your son, but perhaps he learned his lesson from that, and now has another young child that he has formed a parental bond with.

But that's not necessarily something to be envious of. Neither of you know him anymore, so who knows what he is like now.

That child will grow up and think "why me?" like survivors guilt. Why did he love me and not him? And the answer again is timing. It's nothing personal.

Maura74

I don't have a phone number for his dad - he is not on FB but as I mentioned, I have his address and often drive past his house as he only lives 5 miles away. I know where his mother lives (my sons grandmother) but she is elderly and I didn't know her very well when we were together, so wouldn't approach her. Don't know where the rest of his family live - as I said, he was estranged from them when we returned to Ireland.

OP this may or may not be a problem, but bare in mine also that your son biology dad and half brother lives close to him and he may want an explanation why you did not let him make contact sooner.

clairefontaine

Maura74 wrote: »

OP this may or may not be a problem, but bare in mine also that your son biology dad and half brother lives close to him and he may want an explanation why you did not let him make contact sooner.

Also, when people hear from blood relatives out of the blue, they might think they need a kidney or something. They assume malignant motivations.