Female Contraception & Relationship

LegacyUser

I don't know where to begin so I guess the start is as good a place as any. I have been going out with my girlfriend for 4 months now and it has been amazing. We get on so well, really compliment each other, have the same sense of humour, interests etc. and really enjoy spending time together and our sex life is great. It is my first proper relationship and the first time I have been in love (I haven't told her I love her yet) She means the absolute world to me and she has told me that she has had relationships in the past that have ended after a couple of months because she got bored but she hasn't felt like she does with me for a long time.

Anyway, neither one of us want, or are in a position to have kids at the moment (I'm 28 and she is 23) and use protection during sex (condoms) Anyway, she wants to be doubly safe and has just gone on birth control (a contraceptive ring). She had been on this before a couple of years ago. I have been reading up on some of the side effects of hormonal contraceptive rings and am getting worried. As I said, this is my first proper relationship, so I have no experience in how women react to hormonal birth control or what to expect. Some of the stories I have read online say that some women change dramatically i.e. become very moody, argumentative and lose their desire to be intimate with their partners.

So now I worry about the effect it might have on her. She has told me before that she had a boyfriend in the past that she ended up being very mean to because he basically acted like a love sick puppy around her. I agreed at the time, who wants that, but now I wonder if she was on the contraceptive ring at the time and if that lead to her being mean to him.

Anyway, we spent this weekend together, and she had just started on the contraceptive ring again and I immediately noticed (this is before I read up anything on it) that she was not her usual self, she was (at times) quite short and snappy with me, for no real reason. She said that the ring was messing with her hormones and that she was sorry for being mean and of course I understood this. Also, even though her period was last week, she still had some little bleeding and said she did not feel any desire to have sex. She apologised about it and of course I told her it was okay.

I love her to bits and would rather go without ever having sex if the alternative was that a contraceptive would slowly make her less of the person I know and love and more moody and eventually disinterested in having sex at all with me. I say I would rather go without ever having sex because sex to me is something important and something that both of you should want. I would never want her to just have sex to satisfy me. I like not just the physical act of sex but how close we feel together before, during and afterwards and I know I would miss that. I could forego sex altogether, however, because I like so much more about her than just the sex, namely her awesome, kind, witty, affectionate personality, and would not want a contraceptive to affect that.

Anyway, its a bit of a long winded query and I think I have whipped myself up into a bit of a frenzy by reading all the horror stories online (similar to if you had a headache and Googled it and convinced yourself you had a brain tumour) but I would really like anyone who has been in relationships more/longer than me to give any advice/opinion.

Thanks

ShaShaBear

Loving Boyfriend wrote: »

I don't know where to begin so I guess the start is as good a place as any. I have been going out with my girlfriend for 4 months now and it has been amazing. We get on so well, really compliment each other, have the same sense of humour, interests etc. and really enjoy spending time together and our sex life is great. It is my first proper relationship and the first time I have been in love (I haven't told her I love her yet) She means the absolute world to me and she has told me that she has had relationships in the past that have ended after a couple of months because she got bored but she hasn't felt like she does with me for a long time.

Anyway, neither one of us want, or are in a position to have kids at the moment (I'm 28 and she is 23) and use protection during sex (condoms) Anyway, she wants to be doubly safe and has just gone on birth control (a contraceptive ring). She had been on this before a couple of years ago. I have been reading up on some of the side effects of hormonal contraceptive rings and am getting worried. As I said, this is my first proper relationship, so I have no experience in how women react to hormonal birth control or what to expect. Some of the stories I have read online say that some women change dramatically i.e. become very moody, argumentative and lose their desire to be intimate with their partners.

So now I worry about the effect it might have on her. She has told me before that she had a boyfriend in the past that she ended up being very mean to because he basically acted like a love sick puppy around her. I agreed at the time, who wants that, but now I wonder if she was on the contraceptive ring at the time and if that lead to her being mean to him.

Anyway, we spent this weekend together, and she had just started on the contraceptive ring again and I immediately noticed (this is before I read up anything on it) that she was not her usual self, she was (at times) quite short and snappy with me, for no real reason. She said that the ring was messing with her hormones and that she was sorry for being mean and of course I understood this. Also, even though her period was last week, she still had some little bleeding and said she did not feel any desire to have sex. She apologised about it and of course I told her it was okay.

I love her to bits and would rather go without ever having sex if the alternative was that a contraceptive would slowly make her less of the person I know and love and more moody and eventually disinterested in having sex at all with me. I say I would rather go without ever having sex because sex to me is something important and something that both of you should want. I would never want her to just have sex to satisfy me. I like not just the physical act of sex but how close we feel together before, during and afterwards and I know I would miss that. I could forego sex altogether, however, because I like so much more about her than just the sex, namely her awesome, kind, witty, affectionate personality, and would not want a contraceptive to affect that.

Anyway, its a bit of a long winded query and I think I have whipped myself up into a bit of a frenzy by reading all the horror stories online (similar to if you had a headache and Googled it and convinced yourself you had a brain tumour) but I would really like anyone who has been in relationships more/longer than me to give any advice/opinion.

Thanks

I've not been on the ring, only the injection and the pill itself, but I do remember when I had some breakthrough bleeding on my usual pill I had to switch. I was very sore and irritable, but it lasted less than a month before I was back to my usual self.
Us women are very temperamental creatures - our hormones can skyrocket out of control for next to no reason at all, and we can come off as moody. The fact that she's noticed it and is apologising for it suggests that she was prepared for this. As for not feeling like having sex, most women wouldn't even dream of it when they are bleeding, even lightly. A period doesn't just mean blood comes out of our ladyparts. It means cramping, internal discomfort, sometimes nausea, headaches and exhaustion. Imagine having a really bad tummy bug, being doubled over with cramps, feeling ill and generally sorry for yourself and only wanting to sleep. Would you feel much like having sex? Probably not. And remember too that sex means you are putting your penis right where she's hurting - not to mention the embarrassment of a mess (because just because a lot isn't coming out, doesn't mean a lot isn't stuck "up there").

The pill/ring/implant/patch/injection is just another step we take to make sure we don't get pregnant. It's not pleasant to begin with, but for many people it is better than an unplanned pregnancy. Give her some time, be attentive (try not to start smothering her now out of worry), be understanding and if there is no change in the next month or so, then perhaps subtly voice your concerns. Chances are when her period regulates again, so will her hormones, and she will be much more herself. If she has been on it before, she will adjust quicker.

Penny Tration

I was on a hormonal contraceptive and have to echo shashabear. For the first month, i had painful breakthrough bleeding, i was moody and irritable and really wasn't up for sex.

Once my body got used to it, i was back to normal. I don't get periods now (side effect of the pill I'm in), I'm not hormonal (I'm actually happier than I've been for years), and my sex drive is back to normal.

You'll hear horror stories everywhere. People are more likely to describe a bad experience than a good one. For every one bad experience, there's probanly ten good ones.

Give her a bit of time, and stop reading stuff online because you're just worrying yourself unnecessarily!

heretochat

green_screen wrote: »

Stop reading stuff online because you're just worrying yourself unnecessarily!

I know nothing about female contraception but I would have to echo the sentiments from green screen. You are looking for things that may not be there as a result of your "research". I would definitely caution against that.

iusedtoknow

the ring can have this affect on people. My wife switched from the Pill to the ring on the suggestion of her doctor. She turned into a monster by month 2 and saw it herself...i didn't have to say anything. She came off it and returned to being herself. Thing is that one of friends was on it and she was grand.

Contraception affects people differently..(different types and doses of the pill can cause similar symptoms) The body takes a while to adjust to different hormone levels and doses. Just be supportive and honest with her, if she asks.

LegacyUser

I think with any type of hormonal contraception it can take a woman's body a while to get use to. If she finds she still feels the same in 2 to 3 months she can talk to her Gp and could change to another type of hormonal contraceptive.

When a woman goes on any type of hormonal contraceptive she is seen by a doctor who will check her blood pressure, weight and general health before giving her a prescription for this. She will have to a check up every few months on this also.

Your 23 year old girlfriend is doing the right thing as she does not want to get pregnant.
I know woman of her age that got pregnant and long term they did not have a chance to build up a career, travel ect. In some cases they were left on there own with a baby.
She also knows that both of you are not in a position at the moment to bring up a child.

The internet is a great thing but I would not depend on it for medical advice.

LegacyUser

iusedtoknow wrote: »

the ring can have this affect on people. My wife switched from the Pill to the ring on the suggestion of her doctor. She turned into a monster by month 2 and saw it herself...i didn't have to say anything. She came off it and returned to being herself.

Thanks for the reply. This is the kind of thing I am worried about. You obviously love your wife, but to be able to call someone you love "a monster" must mean she changed dramatically?? The fact that you were in a very stable relationship i.e. marriage and, that she noticed the change herself, probably meant it didn't affect your relationship long term. I just worry that if my, shorter term relationship, would be adversely affected (to the point of breaking) if my girlfriend turned into a "monster" and didn't realise it was the ring and instead thought it was me!!!!

iusedtoknow

Loving Boyfriend wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. This is the kind of thing I am worried about. You obviously love your wife, but to be able to call someone you love "a monster" must mean she changed dramatically?? The fact that you were in a very stable relationship i.e. marriage and, that she noticed the change herself, probably meant it didn't affect your relationship long term. I just worry that if my, shorter term relationship, would be adversely affected (to the point of breaking) if my girlfriend turned into a "monster" and didn't realise it was the ring and instead thought it was me!!!!

We were going out 9 months when she made the change. She described it as feeling an underlying rage, all the time. She is usually chilled and calm, so she hated feeling that way.
I noticed it one one of my visits ( we were long distance at the time). She was quiet and snappy, the whole visit. I knew she had changed methods, and she had warned me she was feeling out of sorts.

If she asks you, be honest. She is probably aware of it, but could be giving it a few months trial.

LegacyUser

Hi all. It's me again. First off, thanks for all the previous replies, they were very helpful indeed. Anyhow, a bit of an update. Since my last post I have noticed a few changes in my girlfriend, nothing crazy like wild mood swings or anything but just being a little bit more emotional at times. However, the biggest change has come with respect to sex. Shortly after she started the ring she told me her body "just didn't feel like it" and since then that feeling has continued. I really noticed it right from the start because previously she was such a sexual person. We have still spent lots of time together and everything else is great and we still kiss and cuddle but the really intimate part of the relationship has now fallen considerably. Anyway, I have tossed and turned with worry for the past few weeks wondering if it was me, remembering everything I had read online about the ring etc. and hoping that things would just sort themselves out and just go back to normal.

Well this weekend I saw my girlfriend again and she said that she knew the hormones were messing with her. She was really apologetic and explained that while she still thought about sex and would be able to have it with me and enjoy it her body just wouldn't engage, which she also found frustrating. Obviously I was quite relieved to hear this and we talked about the issue and I was supportive. I asked if this would mean that she would stop now but she said that she was worried about stopping after only one month (that it might affect her blood pressure etc.) and that she would give it another month and see where if things balance out. I told her that I would agree with any decision she made and wait for her to hopefully come back to her normal self.

Since then I have really been thinking long and hard about this, to the point of finding it hard to think of anything else. I really love this girl and everything else about our relationship is amazing. However, I do really miss that little part of her that the ring has subdued. I miss that intimacy. I still like cuddling her and touching her and so does she but now it feels a bit different because that potential for intimacy is gone. I also feel bad/question myself when I lie next to her and start touching her because I don't want to seem like I'm pushing for sex and that has altered the balance of things too i.e. I now feel like I have to wait for her to initiate things. It might sound strange but since that little part of her has gone a little part of me has started to pull back too. Previously I gave myself 100% to her but now I feel as though I'm always holding back a little.

I'll cut things short now, rather than rambling any further. I know that this might sound like a guy just missing sex but it's really not. The physical act is not what I miss it's the little spark/tingle/magic (whatever you want to call it) around sex that I miss. I miss my girlfriend even though I'm with her and 99% of the time is her usual self.

She finishes her first month of the ring tomorrow (and will then have her period) and then will have a week off before putting in a new one in a week. I have read all the pamphlets from the manufacturers etc and even emailed NHS direct the question and all say that there is no problem in stopping the ring after only one month. I really want to ask my girlfriend to consider not putting in the 2nd ring next month, not for me, not for her (although I also worry about the effect it might have on her health) but for us. I know she might not go back to feeling how she did immediately, and I will wait for however long it takes, but I really miss the little part of her that the ring has quietened and want to help bring it back. I'd like to say all of this without sounding selfish and to let her know I'll support her.

It's obviously a dangerous subject to deal with i.e. telling someone what to do with their own body but my intentions are completely genuine and driven by love. Any advice would really help as I'm just really worried. Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know OP... To me your posts read like someone who has read something about something, and now has a little bit of knowledge, and are attributing everything to that one thing.

You say you were reading up on the side affects and now are "worried".. do you think it is possible that all your research and worrying is somehow a self fulfilling prophesy? That you read this is what might happen - so now you are convinced it is happening?

Maybe she's not "in the mood". Maybe her body is adjusting to the increased hormones in her body and affecting her sex drive. Maybe after 4 months, your sex life is just settling down... most relationships don't continue in the "can't keep our hands off each other" phase - they settle.

You need to back off. You say you are a loving boyfriend, and I have no doubt that you are.. but you are concentrating too heavily on this one aspect. It's been a few weeks.. she has started a new contraception. You going on about it, is only going to exaggerate the situation. You can kiss and cuddle and hug without the expectation of sex at the end... But it seems you don't want to do that, because you don't want her to feel like you are pushing for sex. Talk to her about that.

You say you feel yourself pulling away from her, because of that part of her that is now "missing". Do you think she hasn't noticed that? So you pulling away from her because if this "issue" could in turn be exasperating the issue making her pull away from you, and not be in the mood, or feel that you are somehow disappointed in her.

You need to relax with this for a little while. There is far too much pressure (whether you think it or not!). You post quite long, detailed posts and it's all a bit intense, if I'm honest. If she is not happy in another few weeks/next month then maybe suggest she goes back to her doctor to discuss what might be happening, and ways of getting around it.

But for now - try to get back to just enjoying being a couple who love each other. If she feels loved, and wanted and respected she is more likely to want to get intimate. Kiss and cuddle without either of you having the expectation of sex at the end. Make her understand that you are not just after one thing.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If she feels loved, and wanted and respected she is more likely to want to get intimate. Kiss and cuddle without either of you having the expectation of sex at the end. Make her understand that you are not just after one thing.

Thanks for replying. Yes I know my messages were long and detailed but I just wanted to get the whole story across as much as possible. Plus, you are right, they do seem intense, but only because I myself am feeling a bit stressed with the situation. I know my girlfriend feels loved, she tells me every day, and I always make her feel wanted and as for respect, well I show her respect in every sense of the word. If I was only after one thing (and she understands this also) then I wouldn't care this much. When she said she could have sex with me I could have said okay, let's do it, but I want her to want it too and it's this ring that's making her physically not want it (though mentally she does)

Yes, I did read up on the effect of Nuvaring on women but only because I noticed it having an effect on my girlfriend. After that I worried a bit but put it to the back of my mind and carried on as normal until my girlfriend brought it up herself at the weekend and explained how she herself knew it was the ring and explained to me how it felt. Now I know a little knowledge is a dangerous thing but I have read up on the side effects and long term effects this kind of contraception can have on a woman's libido and general well being (both in medical journals and anecdotally) and I am just worried. You have obviously sensed my stress (given that you said my messages are intense) and I would just like to convey my concerns to my girlfriend in a caring manner.

Semele

I think you're coming on a bit strong too OP. You seem quite obsessional about this, what with tossing and turning with worry all night and emailing NHS Direct etc!

I appreciate the you're concerned and tbh it's refreshing to see a guy who is educated about contraception and sees it as a joint responsibility in a relationship...that said I'd be very put off by my boyfriend taking such an interest in my menstrual cycle and constantly monitoring my behaviour. There's something that makes me feel a little "cringey" about your posts. I don't mean that to be offensive but the forensic level of interest is a bit unusual.

It's only been a month, it may well settle down or it may stay the same. Your "concern" seems unduly verging on panic! I'd be more concerned about your behaviour and nagging (even if done in a loving way) is more likely to strain your relationship than the ring, which your girlfriend has the cop-on to manage herself if it's not suiting after a reasonable trial period. Calm down- when you're looking for something you see signs of it in everything!

Ham Sambo

No disrespect and out of interest ..how come you haven't told your girlfriend that you love her yet?

LegacyUser

Semele wrote: »

I think you're coming on a bit strong too OP. You seem quite obsessional about this, what with tossing and turning with worry all night and emailing NHS Direct etc!

I appreciate the you're concerned and tbh it's refreshing to see a guy who is educated about contraception and sees it as a joint responsibility in a relationship...that said I'd be very put off by my boyfriend taking such an interest in my menstrual cycle and constantly monitoring my behaviour. There's something that makes me feel a little "cringey" about your posts. I don't mean that to be offensive but the forensic level of interest is a bit unusual.

It's only been a month, it may well settle down or it may stay the same. Your "concern" seems unduly verging on panic! I'd be more concerned about your behaviour and nagging (even if done in a loving way) is more likely to strain your relationship than the ring, which your girlfriend has the cop-on to manage herself if it's not suiting after a reasonable trial period. Calm down- when you're looking for something you see signs of it in everything!

I know. I completely get what you are saying. To be honest I was only "tossing and turning" one night, after we talked about it and as for my "behaviour and nagging" well, I have not actually said anything to my girlfriend or pressured her or anything like that. I've just been trying to get my head around this issue in my own head. When you say the "forensic level of interest is a bit unusual" I agree, but it's only really for myself, I want to try and understand what my girlfriend might be going through. I guess if I'm totally honest, I'm doing all this "research" as much to help me as I am to help her. I know full well that she "has the cop-on to manage herself" but it's hard to just sit back and forget about it when it's obviously something that she finds frustrating too.

Ham Sambo wrote: »

No disrespect and out of interest ..how come you haven't told your girlfriend that you love her yet?

No offence taken. I hadn't told her that I love her because quite frankly I wasn't sure if I did or not at that point. I really liked her and cared alot about her but we had only been dating a relatively short period of time. I didn't want to say it until I knew I truly meant it and felt it, and so that's exactly what I did a few days ago