Finding it hard this January

Ande1975

Hi,
Just hoping I can get some good advice here and I hope I can express myself correctly.

I am 40, single for many years and living away from home.
I recently went through a very stressful time with one of my elderly parents and thankfully they are on the mend now.

I spent all of my Christmas vacation at home helping them out as my sibling and family came home from outside the country. I knew my folks couldn't manage on their own.
The house at home isn't very big and having a LOT of people in it was claustrophobic at times and I barely slept.
However, since coming back to work (a week now), I can't shake this low feeling. I normally eat well, exercise regularly and take care of myself but I haven't been able to 'get back into it'.

I feel homesick and a bit lonely if I'm honest. I could call it the January blues but I've never felt this way before despite this being the ususal Christmas arrangement (me being at home for 10 days or two weeks).
I am due home again the end of the month but I feel I need to go home sooner. I don't know why. I heard a term expressed in describing me a few times over Christmas which I can't stop thinking about. My family tell me I'm 'self contained' - they don't know what I am thinking and I enjoy my own company which is true but it makes me think I am aloof and therefore unapproachable.

In my head, the person I was before Christmas and now are two different people. If I am honest, I could cry but I stop myself.

I guess what I am asking is... does anyone out there feel the same way or any suggestions in what I can do to snap myself out of this?

Thanks so much for reading my ramble xxx

LegacyUser

Ande1975 wrote: »

Hi,
Just hoping I can get some good advice here and I hope I can express myself correctly.

I am 40, single for many years and living away from home.
I recently went through a very stressful time with one of my elderly parents and thankfully they are on the mend now.

I spent all of my Christmas vacation at home helping them out as my sibling and family came home from outside the country. I knew my folks couldn't manage on their own.
The house at home isn't very big and having a LOT of people in it was claustrophobic at times and I barely slept.
However, since coming back to work (a week now), I can't shake this low feeling. I normally eat well, exercise regularly and take care of myself but I haven't been able to 'get back into it'.

I feel homesick and a bit lonely if I'm honest. I could call it the January blues but I've never felt this way before despite this being the ususal Christmas arrangement (me being at home for 10 days or two weeks).
I am due home again the end of the month but I feel I need to go home sooner. I don't know why. I heard a term expressed in describing me a few times over Christmas which I can't stop thinking about. My family tell me I'm 'self contained' - they don't know what I am thinking and I enjoy my own company which is true but it makes me think I am aloof and therefore unapproachable.

In my head, the person I was before Christmas and now are two different people. If I am honest, I could cry but I stop myself.

I guess what I am asking is... does anyone out there feel the same way or any suggestions in what I can do to snap myself out of this?

Thanks so much for reading my ramble xxx

Go on a nice holiday (hopefully being single you can afford it - usually one of the advantages).

January is a tough time for most at the best of times. Mad things went ion my extended family over Christmas. We chose not to get involved for different reasons, which I won't go into.

In general at your age you shouldn't be worrying about what others think of you. I've gradually over the years given up caring what others think. Sometimes I've had to make tough decisions which seem harsh but that's life. I used to be much more sensitive but it got me no where.

If you're single for many years then you will be used to your own space. There's nothing wrong with that. That's who you are and people should accept you for that. That doesn't mean they will but you should just present yourself as who you are and not worry about them.

miamee

It sounds like you have just come through a very stressful and emotional time with a sick parent and then looking after everyone at home when your sibling and family were visiting over Christmas.

You didn't sleep much as you said.

You like your own company but spent 10 days - 2 weeks in a house chock full of people.

Aside from the usual January blues - the anti-climax after Christmas and time off, getting back to work and the normal routine, missing your family after being with them for the holidays - aside from all of this your are probably exhausted and on auto pilot a bit.

If you can, have lots of early nights, be kind to yourself, meet some friends if you feel up to it and treat yourself to something that you like be that eating out, doing something fun, seeing a movie, book a spontaneous trip home. Maybe in the back of your mind you are worried about your parent and what might have happened had they not gotten better and what that means.

Hopefully when you have caught up on some rest, you will feel a bit more back to normal and ready to face the day to day routine again.

By the way, sometimes a good cry for half an hour is worth so much more than holding it all in for days/weeks

Ande1975

Thanks for your response Miamee. You are spot on. A percentage of this is probably the usual anti-climax of post Christmas but in the back of my mind, I am also thinking of my parents.

I have also (which is mainly my own doing) kept the focus away from my own life and focused on them. Its an easy thing to hide behind to stop myself from meeting others.

Its just the self contained bit threw me a little as I was seen as not needing a relationship. I don't need one but I'd like one but I don't like inviting the discussion as it makes me uncomfortable.

My siblings confide in me all their worries, personal problems etc as they don't want to worry my folks. I just wish one of them was living here too to be able to help out. They are not a burden but I feel guilty if I don't go home regularly and because I do I feel homesick.

Anyways - thank you again for your suggestions. I might do that this evening

Ande1975

go on holiday wrote: »

Go on a nice holiday (hopefully being single you can afford it - usually one of the advantages).

January is a tough time for most at the best of times. Mad things went ion my extended family over Christmas. We chose not to get involved for different reasons, which I won't go into.

In general at your age you shouldn't be worrying about what others think of you. I've gradually over the years given up caring what others think. Sometimes I've had to make tough decisions which seem harsh but that's life. I used to be much more sensitive but it got me no where.

If you're single for many years then you will be used to your own space. There's nothing wrong with that. That's who you are and people should accept you for that. That doesn't mean they will but you should just present yourself as who you are and not worry about them.

Thanks for your response. Normally I could afford it but I have some financial concerns that I hope to resolve soon.
Again, I am due to visit another sibling who lives abroad so that will cost me.

Thing is I feel like the real issue is I am not looking after me.
There is a massive hole there that I fill with parental duty (which I'm responsible for assuming and won't change) but the hole is there.

Perhaps I am not enjoying my life as it is and I need to change it. I am constantly living towards something rather than living now.

Sorry to hear about your challenges. Life isn't simple.

I am jealous of my friends who have their siblings around them. I just think/ realise that I am alone. I was ok with it but now I am not.

I took Maimees advice and took myself out for dinner (alone). I have been thinking a lot since I wrote that post. I need the balance but not sure how to go about it.

Thanks xx

LegacyUser

Maybe it's time to include your siblings more in your parents life. I know this is hard if they live abroad but you won't be able to shoulder all the burden yourself as they get older and more dependant. At least they should be there for you to talk things through with and in the future make decisions together if your parents become sick or incapacitated. It is very worrying to have to cope with all of this alone (speaking as somebody with elderly parents) and perhaps that is in the back of your mind now that you saw them both unwell over Christmas.

Just because you are the single person, doesn't mean that everything has to fall on your shoulders. This is probably where their perception of you being self contained is coming from also as you are keeping everything in so as to appear the responsible person that your family can rely on. Let them see that you are vulnerable and need a bit of help yourself now & then.

All the best & look after yourself as well as everybody else!

LegacyUser

Hi Ande

I totally know how you are feeling. I am living away also and although I come home as much as I can maybe 3/4 times a year, I miss home very much. I also felt like my Xmas went soo quickly and ive been really struggling with "getting back into it". I know everyone feels this way but like yourself, I am particularly finding it hard. I have told my partner that I am struggling living here and want to move home but he has children and is not ready to do so. I decided I have to speak to someone cos I know whatever it is that is making me unhappy I know its only me that can make the changes/decisions. Bit like yourself, you know there is something up with you but your not really sure what it is. I think maybe dening your feelings, and it has just come to a head now, like mine. So I have made a call to a counselling service to see if they can help me come to a decision or find out why am I not really happy with my lot. Might be a good idea for you to do this also.

Sorry I hope this has helped.

Take care.

Ande1975

aguestuser wrote: »

Maybe it's time to include your siblings more in your parents life. I know this is hard if they live abroad but you won't be able to shoulder all the burden yourself as they get older and more dependant. At least they should be there for you to talk things through with and in the future make decisions together if your parents become sick or incapacitated. It is very worrying to have to cope with all of this alone (speaking as somebody with elderly parents) and perhaps that is in the back of your mind now that you saw them both unwell over Christmas.

Just because you are the single person, doesn't mean that everything has to fall on your shoulders. This is probably where their perception of you being self contained is coming from also as you are keeping everything in so as to appear the responsible person that your family can rely on. Let them see that you are vulnerable and need a bit of help yourself now & then.

All the best & look after yourself as well as everybody else!

Thank you so much for this response. That really makes sense about their perception of me.
I would love to have my siblings more involved but they are too far away to be involved. They have let me down a few times and can be unresponsive.
I do need to ask them more for help though. Issue too is that my parents hate to be perceived as burdens - they are not - I just think it would be nice if my siblings visited more.

Ande1975

Shabaz16 wrote: »

Hi Ande

I totally know how you are feeling. I am living away also and although I come home as much as I can maybe 3/4 times a year, I miss home very much. I also felt like my Xmas went soo quickly and ive been really struggling with "getting back into it". I know everyone feels this way but like yourself, I am particularly finding it hard. I have told my partner that I am struggling living here and want to move home but he has children and is not ready to do so. I decided I have to speak to someone cos I know whatever it is that is making me unhappy I know its only me that can make the changes/decisions. Bit like yourself, you know there is something up with you but your not really sure what it is. I think maybe dening your feelings, and it has just come to a head now, like mine. So I have made a call to a counselling service to see if they can help me come to a decision or find out why am I not really happy with my lot. Might be a good idea for you to do this also.

Sorry I hope this has helped.

Take care.

Thank you for this. I've made an appointment with my doctor to sort this out.
This is not normally me.
I really feel for you. Its a horrible feeling. Hope it works out for you.
A xxx

LegacyUser

Hi Andie,

Your doing the right thing going to the doctor as you need to look after your health.

Your family tell you that you are very 'self contained' but in your case I would not worry about what they think. I know people of your age who would like to meet someone but don't want people making comments about the fact they are single.

I would agree with what aguestuser said in there post.

I would tell your family now that it is time for them to start coming home more often as your parents would like to see them more. I would ask them how you "all" would cope if your parents have more ill health/need some type of care in the future.
They need to know that you have your own life and you can't put your life on hold if your parents get sick or need care in the future.

I would look at getting involved with some new groups ect and try to have a life outside work. You need to look after yourself and keep in contact with your friends.
This time of the year I make some plans so I have things to do or look forward to during the year.

Ham Sambo

Hi ya, From reading your posts I would say that you are completely and utterly knackered and run down after such a stressful period over Christmas, I would agree with one poster when the suggested that you involve the rest of the family in the care of your parents. best of luck!

Maura74

Ande1975 wrote: »

Thank you so much for this response. That really makes sense about their perception of me.
I would love to have my siblings more involved but they are too far away to be involved. They have let me down a few times and can be unresponsive.
I do need to ask them more for help though. Issue too is that my parents hate to be perceived as burdens - they are not - I just think it would be nice if my siblings visited more.

Next time you are in contract with your siblings just give them a gently reminder that their parents would hate to be seen as a burdens but would love to see you a bit more you more often as it would cheer them up no end.

fits

Hi OP. I had a sick parent for a couple of years there (living with them) and found it was absolutely necessary for my sanity that I take a day for myself every weekend. I did something every Sunday which I enjoyed and took my mind off things and it really helped. It would be strange if these things didn't get to you! following your interests is more important than ever when the going gets tough.

Ande1975

lady lady wrote: »

Hi Andie,

Your doing the right thing going to the doctor as you need to look after your health.

Your family tell you that you are very 'self contained' but in your case I would not worry about what they think. I know people of your age who would like to meet someone but don't want people making comments about the fact they are single.

I would agree with what aguestuser said in there post.

I would tell your family now that it is time for them to start coming home more often as your parents would like to see them more. I would ask them how you "all" would cope if your parents have more ill health/need some type of care in the future.
They need to know that you have your own life and you can't put your life on hold if your parents get sick or need care in the future.

I would look at getting involved with some new groups ect and try to have a life outside work. You need to look after yourself and keep in contact with your friends.
This time of the year I make some plans so I have things to do or look forward to during the year.

Thanks to everyone who has posted.

Thanks for the above - I spoke to my doctor and I'm going to get counselling to sort my head out. Its been a shock to the system as I haven't felt like this before and came from nowhere.

Its quite scary to lose interest in everything but I've a lot to sort out in my own life which will alleviate some of the stress hopefully.

Many people have suggested I email my siblings. Its something I have been thinking about but I know one or the other would either tell my parents or forward the email to them just exacerbating the situation.

LegacyUser

You said you will be visiting one of your siblings soon, so why don't you wait until then & talk to them in person. Or else phone them for a chat. You are not bad mouthing your parents in any way nor are you accusing your siblings of neglecting your parents. It is a fact of life that peoples parents get older and will need more care at some stage, so what worked for everybody previously may not work in the future. It's easy for your siblings being away from the situation not to realise this or to leave it to the person at home & easier still when that person is single and seems to have no commitments (in their eyes!).

Please discuss this in a reasonable way with your siblings and tell them it's unfair on your parents & on you if they go back to your parents to tell them what was said (and very immature on their part). You have to think of yourself & have your own life, just as they are doing.

Silverman11

If you are looking for someone to go out with, I think you should go out and meet new people. If you had someone else in your life, it could give you a lift.

Ande1975

Silverman11 wrote: »

If you are looking for someone to go out with, I think you should go out and meet new people. If you had someone else in your life, it could give you a lift.

I hear what you are saying but I know this is far more complex than that.
I am working through it.

Thanks

Silverman11

Ande1975 wrote: »

I hear what you are saying but I know this is far more complex than that.
I am working through it.

Thanks

Keep working on it and it will get better.
I think a romantic relationship would help to diminish some of the lonliness but you know whats best for you.

I also think you should go into your GP and tell them that you are feeling down. Or talk to someone about your problems, AWARE for example help people in your situation.
http://www.aware.ie/

Chiquitita

Andre I hope that today has been a good day for you.

I'm sorry that you're not getting enough support from your family.
You should consider going to your gp for a chat, sometimes the ambience in the room can be very relaxing, I find it anyway. See where the conversation leads and go from there.

Carrying around all these thoughts and worries will make you feel worse, treat yourself with the care and love that you deserve.

One tiny small step at a time.

Thinking of you this evening.

Ande1975

Chiquitita wrote: »

Andre I hope that today has been a good day for you.

I'm sorry that you're not getting enough support from your family.
You should consider going to your gp for a chat, sometimes the ambience in the room can be very relaxing, I find it anyway. See where the conversation leads and go from there.

Carrying around all these thoughts and worries will make you feel worse, treat yourself with the care and love that you deserve.

One tiny small step at a time.

Thinking of you this evening.

Thank you Chiquitita... you are very kind.
Yes I have been to my gp (last week) and had my first visit with a councillor today. It was very difficult. I got very upset.
I am seeing my parents this weekend.
I am doing all the right things and you are right, its one step at a time.
I am seeing my gp again tomorrow night. I have burst into tears about 3 times with 3 different people this week and I HATE being this vulnerable.

Thanks to everyone who has read and responded.

Silverman11

Ande1975 wrote: »

Thank you Chiquitita... you are very kind.
Yes I have been to my gp (last week) and had my first visit with a councillor today. It was very difficult. I got very upset.
I am seeing my parents this weekend.
I am doing all the right things and you are right, its one step at a time.
I am seeing my gp again tomorrow night. I have burst into tears about 3 times with 3 different people this week and I HATE being this vulnerable.

Thanks to everyone who has read and responded.

Fair play on acting on it. No shame in being vulnerable or crying. Let it all out. You are on the road to recovery.

Chiquitita

There's absolutely nothing wrong with crying, nothing at all. In fact I find that it releases so much weight when I do have a good cry, and believe me i've been doing a lot of blubbing the last few weeks

Im so very thrilled that you found the strength to go to your gp and to your counselling, you should feel very proud of yourself
I'm proud of you!