teenage daugher, self harm

LegacyUser

Hi,

Looking for some advice please, on this, am completely out of my depths.

A few days ago, I caught my teenage daughter (under 16) smoking in her room. It was so out of character, she is what I would consider a very intellligent sensible child, and would never have considered her doing something like this.

Anyway, at the time I caught her she got extremely upset, I was very angry, but there were other people in the house at the time so I couldnt deal with her at the time. She begged me to talk to her, and I said I couldnt as there was someone in the house, and we would have a chat about it afterwards. I was quite calm about it even though very angry, all sorts of things were going through my mind, among them how long she was going to be grounded for, how to cut back on her pocket money etc, and how could she do this in the first place.


So, I left her to it, she was upset and crying in her room, but I literaly couldnt talk to her until I had gotten rid of the visitor. Her mother was out at the time also but was due back any minute, and I figured we would talk to her then.

Anyway, my wife arrived back and I spoke to her about it, and she was in as much shock as I was. We said we would go and talk to her, and she went up to the room where she was.

When she went in, my daughter was still very upset, but my wife noticed something was amiss, and the sheets had small amounts of blood on it.

It turned out that she had self harmed with a blade, and made marks on her arm (not her wrist). I am fairly sure it is the first time she has done this, and I think it was mainly because she felt so bad about what she ahd done (smoking).

She got even more upset when we found out about that, and was near hysterical. We calmed her down, and literally said that the smoking was only a minor thing, it really was no big deal (and tbh, I dont think it is, as I will explain later).

She was okay after a while, and we got to talk to her a bit more about what had happened and here is what she said:

1) The smoking had only started a few weeks ago.
2) She got the taboacco (rollies!!) from me, I am an occasional smoker, so she took it from a pouch I had.
3) She is quite bad at rolling, so I know its not a regular thing with her.
4) She smoked in her room which is the nearest to the main hallway, so It was quite obvious she was a novice if she thought no one would smell it.
5) We found about 5 half smoked rollies in a jar in her room, so she never even finished one.


When we asked here why she was smoking, she said it was because she was worried about us (we had been going through a stressfull period as a lot of people are these days with finance and lifestyle issues, but we have a strong and happy marriage), and she saw me smoking when I got stressed or myself and my wife had an argument.

She also said a friend of hers parents were getting divroced, and their daughter had started smoking as a result.

On the self harm, we asked her why. She said that she felt so bad that she had done something so stupid and had let us down, especially when he had been so good to her over the last few weeks (we had been a bit more liberal with her, allowing her to do a bit more, giving her a bit more independence etc). She was also extremely upset over the fact that it had happened when I had a friend/colleague in the house, and she felt she had let us down so much because he had been their when I caught her.

Anyway, my own feelings, the smoking is not a big deal, we can manage that, its just a teenage girl trying to be a bit more grown up (I tried to smoke when I was her age, and failed).

The bit I am lost with is the reasons why she said she smoked, and most importantly, the self harm.I have always seen her as a sensible happy child, we have had our moments, there have been flare ups, we struggle at times to get the right balance between giving her the freedom she wants, and trying to put the reigns on a child racing to be an adult, the usual stuff, no you cant go to the disco, you went to one last week, that dress is too short, you have too much make up on, eat your dinner, no way are you wearing those heels, take those photos off of facebook, do a bit more study, have you done your homework done etc etc.


I dont know what else to say at this point, would really appreciate some advice. Im thinking/hoping this was a once off extreme event that we can handle without having take her to a therapist etc, as I think that in itself might be very traumatic for her on its own.

Victoria Fortescue

Regarding the smoking, I think this is something you and your wife can give her guidance on your own. The more serious matter here as you pointed out is the self harming. This is something you need to get professional help with, as this could formate into a habit forming way if her channelling any negative feelings she experiences.

I'd begin with your gp and ask for a referral to someone who specialises in this. Talk to your daughter and tell her that you are there to support her and she can talk to you anytime about anything. It doesn't matter what, you won't be angry with her. Encourage her that a little outside support will help her to deal with the negative things she feels.

Orion

We are not qualified to advise on this. If your daughter is harming herself help her get counselling or to talk to Childline, Samaritans, Pieta House or someone else who is qualified to help.