choosing bridal party drama

Sadderday

Hi All,

I literally just got engaged and had a few friends over to celebrate. I have no interest in big weddings and the OH and I agreed that a small wedding soon would be ideal so we could continue saving for our own home.

So, my best friend that I became a bit distant with last year asked in front of everyone who would be maid of honour... (we became very distant after an argument) ... everyone went silent and I tried to explain that to keep costs down we would be having a small wedding and the OHs two teenage sisters are so excited to be involved... family first it would have to be those guys. If I were to have this friend as a bridesmaid also I would need to include our other friend and simply dont think its necessary to have a heap of bridesmaids... just have family involved and allow friends enjoy the day. however; my friend started to cry in front of everyone when I explained this and I looked like a wagon... even the OH wasn't impressed but the truth is I dont particularly want the wedding to be big and costly and I don't particularly want her to be a big part of it after all thats happened between us either... I hadnt intended on ever being friendly again but tried to be the bigger person.

So now I'm the worst in the world... and after only a week of engagement this wedding business has left a sour taste. Anyone else think this is a bit OTT? How do you avoid people like this!!!!???

D3PO

firstly congratulations. Secondly ignore your "friend" if she cant be happy for you and accept your wishes and explanation then quite frankly shes not a very good friend.

its your day do what you want to let people emotionally blackmail you into doing things do it the way you want and if people aren't happy that's their own problem.

it probably wont be the last bit of drama. Parents wondering why uncle X or auntie Y aren't invited or the neighbour or whatever. You have to stick to your guns its your wedding its a one off (hopefully) and it should be done on your and your OH's terms only.

Sadderday

D3PO wrote: »

firstly congratulations. Secondly ignore your "friend" if she cant be happy for you and accept your wishes and explanation then quite frankly shes not a very good friend.

its your day do what you want to let people emotionally blackmail you into doing things do it the way you want and if people aren't happy that's their own problem.

it probably wont be the last bit of drama. Parents wondering why uncle X or auntie Y aren't invited or the neighbour or whatever. You have to stick to your guns its your wedding its a one off (hopefully) and it should be done on your and your OH's terms only.

cool, thanks... didnt realise this would happen!, now I have to be honest and tell her that it wasn't ok to behave that way.. myself and the OH ended up having a blazing row....

stinkle

sorry to hear you had a row - but congratulations on the good news. I don't have much to add other than what D3PO said. You and your OH definitely need to be on the same page about stuff like this and definitely stick to your guns!

for what it's worth, I think your friend behaved badly. Also I dont get in general why people badger the recently engaged about wedding plans! Maybe you could include her in some other way, like a reading or something like that

Toots

I'm sorry but your friend sounds like a total idiot, if ye hadn't been close for ages then why would she expect to be maid of honour? It's YOUR (and your OH's) day, so have whoever YOU want in your bridal party. If she's going to act like a 3 year old about it then that's her problem. Also, it sounds to me like she asked in front of everyone to try and make you feel like you should ask her.

Honestly, one of the best phrases I learned when I was planning my wedding was "We're still deciding on that."

pooch90

OP, I was basically the same. Had a best friend for years, had a blazing row a few years ago and we didn't speak for 2 years.
We always said that she would be the 1st person I text whenever we finally got engaged so when it came to it, I did text her to tell her.
We intermittently text then for the next year. Last new years I asked her to be my bridesmaid.

Fast forward a year and she is a pain in my ass.
She begrudges doing anything (all I want is for the BMs to get together to get their dresses FFS!) and there is a real air of fr-enemy about it and it's upsetting that she couldn't at least to pretend to give a ****.
If she keeps going like she is, I won't be long about rescinding the offer.
I thought it was just me being paranoid but OH is sick of her too.

OP, stick to guns, there was a reason you fell out.

Sadderday

pooch90 wrote: »

OP, I was basically the same. Had a best friend for years, had a blazing row a few years ago and we didn't speak for 2 years.
We always said that she would be the 1st person I text whenever we finally got engaged so when it came to it, I did text her to tell her.
We intermittently text then for the next year. Last new years I asked her to be my bridesmaid.

Fast forward a year and she is a pain in my ass.
She begrudges doing anything (all I want is for the BMs to get together to get their dresses FFS!) and there is a real air of fr-enemy about it and it's upsetting that she couldn't at least to pretend to give a ****.
If she keeps going like she is, I won't be long about rescinding the offer.
I thought it was just me being paranoid but OH is sick of her too.

OP, stick to guns, there was a reason you fell out.

Yeah your right... she was in the wrong anyway - she apologised for the fall out and everyone sympathised with me so why now everyone thinks im terrible I dont know... but I was just slowly getting used to having her about again... but this is totally reversing it. I think it was a selfish thing to do in front of everyone and I will stick to my guns.. makes me angry that she has text me since as if all is normal.

Your situation sounds similar.... hope you get sorted...

Moonbeam

Why did it lead to you having an argument with your other half? did he think you should have asked her?

littlelulu

Op its just the beginning of a long road of wedding planning.

I really suggest you discuss everything with your OH and be certain about what you want before you even approach it.

Everybody will stick their nose in and voice their opinion so just limit the info even to close family members.

Just say we haven't fully decided on that yet or I just say oh all of my plans are top secret!! People are even asking me what my dress looks like ffs!

when you get to the guestlist.... Just prepare!! Its a nightmare. Set a deadline for guests to be included by your parent and tell them after that its tough luck!

I'm gone totally off track but just wanted to say start as you mean to go on because it will get worse!!

Gatica

Moonbeam wrote: »

Why did it lead to you having an argument with your other half? did he think you should have asked her?

As above, I don't understand why that would result in an argument with your OH. Remind him he is marrying you not her, so your feelings should be his priority, not hers, especially since you did nothing wrong.

It sounds like she was fishing for causing a bit of drama where either she'd be asked in a public place or causing a scene where she'd be the centre of attention, actually in either case she'd suddenly become more important than otherwise just another person out for a drink to celebrate. It seems people sympathised with her over not being maid of honour (don't know why, she brought that on herself and sounds like a total cow for putting someone she thinks is friend enough to be maid of honour for in such a position). I'm only sorry that you got the negative edge of it there, as you've absolutely every right to choose your bridal party without being made to feel bad about it.
Isn't your OH glad that you're considering his family over old "friends"? I'd start by talking to him.
This so called friend you can dump, but this is the man you'll marry for life and you guys need to support each other, not undermine.

Sadderday

Thank you and the reason we argued is because he was triggered by the tears... he felt terrible looking at her cry... which made me angry cos I know it was switched on... and he did tell her dont worry we will fit you in blah blah blah... hes already asked this girls OH to be his best man so I think they hoped it would all pan out evenly but I dont think i could hack it all !!

Gatica

Is your OH close to the best man while the best man's gf/wife has grown apart with you?
It's not unusual for couples to have separate friends, but often couples are friends as couples, so I'm surprised that he wasn't aware of your growing apart with this girl.
Sometimes men feel uncomfortable with women crying and maybe he felt he was responsible as well as you're a couple making decisions about your (plural) wedding. In any case, her tears were unnecessary, she's obviously not been close to you for a long enough time to be able to get over it.
A bridesmaid isn't just someone wanting to be a part of the wedding, this is someone who'll have to be by your side, help you on the day and before. If she's behaved like this now, imagine the drama to follow if she's allowed to be a bridesmaid. Explain this to your OH.
The partner of someone who's in the bridal party isn't always also part of the bridal party, nothing weird about that. She can just do something small for the wedding, do a reading or something. If he feels that bad he can always make her a groom's assistant Personally, I would cut her out completely for being a knob, but I guess that would be difficult if she's married or going out a long time with the best man.

I'm fuming, how can she consider herself a friend, argh....!

Sadderday

Gatica wrote: »

Is your OH close to the best man while the best man's gf/wife has grown apart with you?
It's not unusual for couples to have separate friends, but often couples are friends as couples, so I'm surprised that he wasn't aware of your growing apart with this girl.
Sometimes men feel uncomfortable with women crying and maybe he felt he was responsible as well as you're a couple making decisions about your (plural) wedding. In any case, her tears were unnecessary, she's obviously not been close to you for a long enough time to be able to get over it.
A bridesmaid isn't just someone wanting to be a part of the wedding, this is someone who'll have to be by your side, help you on the day and before. If she's behaved like this now, imagine the drama to follow if she's allowed to be a bridesmaid. Explain this to your OH.
The partner of someone who's in the bridal party isn't always also part of the bridal party, nothing weird about that. She can just do something small for the wedding, do a reading or something. If he feels that bad he can always make her a groom's assistant Personally, I would cut her out completely for being a knob, but I guess that would be difficult if she's married or going out a long time with the best man.

I'm fuming, how can she consider herself a friend, argh....!

Thank you... both men are aware of our fall out but we are all adults so we had our conversation and inviting her to our home that evening was the first step to going back to a happy normal.... obviously in my eyes... nothings changed and she is still someone i feel i need to distance from but i wouldnt ealk past her in the street is you know what I mean. we were friends for a very long time so I understand her feelings to but displaying them that way just pisses me off. My OH is a wonderful man and I know he believes that girls just drift sometimes and he fully expects us to be back to normal soon.... which we might well be.. but in my eyes it will be a long time before I invite her to my home again. Of course she will be invited to the wedding, i still like her I have just lost a little respect for her but I dont think she needs to be involved. I always felt these days were for family involvement anyway. Although my OH is fully aware of all this I think he just doesnt want me to be so sensitive and end up losing a friend... he doesnt understand its not friend behaviour. Its very sad but it will just take time and I will probably have to tell her to cop on at some stage... but surely that shouldnt be when we are celebrating our news. Everyone wants to be a part of things which is lovely... but I dont want a wedding if this is what its like to organise... its not what the day should be about... its shocking that it seems like theres more to come!!

solerina

To be honest its your wedding do what you want....if ye had a row and you don't want her as a bridesmaid then tough luck on her....she is obviously a drama queen (what adult woman would even expect ask to be bridesmaid....and then cry when she didn't get her way...that's toddler behaviour) so stick to your guns and keep out of her way as much as possible, surely the drama will lessen over time !! Give your OH time to think about it and I'm sure he will see it from your point of view too (once the memory of the tears fades)

Dortilolma

Sadderday wrote: »

but I dont want a wedding if this is what its like to organise

Organising a wedding can be a wonderful experience and I'm sorry this situation is not letting you have that right now.

TBH this whole situation just sounds like a needless drama. Your wedding is about you and your OH and your 'friend' has made it about her which is a ridiculously selfish thing to do.

From the sounds of it it was unfair of your OH to get upset at you for it. Maybe talk to him about it?

MollyRo

Congrats on your engagement. This is a very special time in your life and one to be thoroughly enjoyed. Don't let other peoples petty behaviour upset you... its really not worth it.
Enjoy the planning!

Neyite

I think she made a show of herself really. I'd be mortified, but for her, not for me.

Seriously, what adult woman balls her eyes out in public because she doesn't get to be bridesmaid? I know 6 year old girls with more maturity.

Stick to your guns, and choose who you like. We got a lot of unwanted advice and people dictating to us in the aftermath of our engagement and it really took the glow off planning a wedding.

We have just decided tonight that we will decide what we want, book it and thats that. They want to get offended, they dont have to come.

mirgar

Im am having the exact same problem with very close people and now drama, so instead of being excited I was dreading it... Now I am deciding to start the search for somewhere abroad and just ask 10-15 people, there is always going to be somebody pissed off, if you have an instinct trust it believe me, nothing worst than being stabbed in the back and the same person standing there watching you on your wedding day yuck The cheek of some people ignore ignore ignore her, no questions or calls etc that is what I am doing you dont have to answer to anybody......

Sadderday

Thanks everyone, suppose ya can't please everyone, just shocking how people can be... I can't imagine ever being so selfish. Hopefully by the time we decide what way to do it we will be prepared. Would seriously consider abroad too...

mirgar

Have you looked at Malta and Portugal Im in the process on searching hotels/venues there, it will get you excited again, dont let that crap get you down

Nicman

Congratulations! Your friend sounds like a d**k and you sound like a nice normal person..........2+2=4 (ie leave her out of the wedding....you'll regret including her always). You know you could decide to avoid all this hassle that you're not having any bridesmaids at all? Or you could ask the 2 girls to just wear a "normal" nice dress and not go full throttle with the whole bridesmaid thing - makes everything so much easier...that's what I'm doing, still buying the dress for mine but she's wearing a normal one and we're not going cracked with bridesmaid stuff. It also helps that she's sound and super relaxed

mirgar

Hiya I agree what should she do if she has already asked certain people to be bridesmaids and now decided that its only going to cause drama, stress and hurt etc?? Yikes... I think your idea is great though.... Whoever could say a reading or poem

mirgar

OMH keep her out of your wedding or you will regret it for the rest of your life, sod her, believe me, she is no friend of yours..........................
I am in the same boat right now and considering a destination wedding over it and other 'problem people'
Good luck