I have a short fuse..

HmmmGirl87

I have a short fuse and I know it. I flip out only to my family and partner and I don't feel good about it. I never really noticed it until I moved in with my partner who receives the brunt of my insane moods 24/7. I am unpredictable. I have stopped drinking caffeine (tea included) and have monitored my diet to try and figure it out.

Now I am very lucky my partner is an ocean of patience, but like all water, he is slowly evaporating. I do not want to lose him but the gaps in-between anger and smile are getting longer and longer. It's gone to the point where I would hit him in bed if moves the blanket an inch.

He does not do anything to deserve this, and neither does my family.

I have been in this relationship two years, and it is currently the longest. My partner recently sustained an injury which has him on the couch all day. this is not the reason of my anger. I do have commitment issues, which we have spoken about (we are very communicative). I feel trapped now so my anger is worse as he is not eligible for any state welfare. And being foreign with not many friends he has no where to go. But I must state my anger was here before the injury.

Does anybody have any suggestions please as to what could be the cause and cure? I don't want to be on medical prescriptions.

flutterbye_99

Hi OP,

They often say anger is one of the easiest emotions to express. Could it be that you are feeling down or upset about something else that you find it difficult to address and the anger is your way of dealing with some other painful things in your life?

Toast4532

Obviously I don't know what is causing these anger issues, but do you think it is because you have commitment issues and maybe you are struggling to deal with those and deal with being in a long term relationship?

Hitting your partner is utterly unacceptable, and because moves the blanket? That is seriously over the top.

To be honest OP, if you continue on like this you will find yourself single pretty quick I imagine, I can't imagine your boyfriend sticking around and accepting this behaviour much longer, and he should't have to put up with or accept it.

I can't imagine you hanging around if your partner was treating you as you are treating him, so try putting yourself into his shoes and imagine how you'd feel, then you'll have some idea how your boyfriend feels.

I would advise you to speak to your GP and perhaps see a counseller/therapist and get some help for your issues and especially for your anger issues, because you clearly need it.

You should be ashamed of yourself in my opinion.

Shane-KornSpace

Toast4532 wrote: »

You should be ashamed of yourself in my opinion.

Woah! Over the top!
Op knows shes in the wrong. No need to kick while she's down!

OP, I know how you feel.
I have anger issues which only show themselves around family, including my other half.
I don't know why it is, but I get very angry, very easily. Its usually over the smallest of things, such as dropping a piece of food on the couch or something.
I tend to calm down and be normal again after a minute.

I would advise you to discuss it with an anger management therapist and see if it can help!

You're not alone, OP. But that being said, be very careful! 😊

maria34

I think your partner is still there because he has nowhere to go! As you said he has not many friends etc. also he isnt irish. So he just has to stay.
You might save your relationship if you get help. I would start with GP.

Penny Tration

You show your anger issues to your boyfriend and family. Why not other people, like colleagues or friends? That, to me, would tell me that you can control your temper when you deem it necessary.

If you can control it around other people, you can control it around your boyfriend, in my opinion.

Hitting your bf? Sorry to be harsh, but that's disgraceful behaviour and if someone here were to post that their partner hits them, we'd be telling that person to run, and quickly.

If you truly want to fix this, speak to your gp. They can recommend the correct treatment method, be it medication (you have to decide if your dislike of medication overrides your dislike of hitting your boyfriend, seems an obvious choice to me), counselling, behavioural therapy, anger management, etc.

You will not fix these issues until you speak to somebody. The fact that only your bf and family see your temper would say to me that you can control it if you choose to, though.

Virgil°

I think you should actually break up with your boyfriend OP. And then get yourself some counselling.

You are emotionally and physically ABUSING your boyfriend. Your behaviour is the kind that can damage someone irreparably. I'd be surprised if your boyfriends esteem wasn't already in pieces as a result.

You are on the right track seeking help but I don't think its fair that he continue to take the torrent of wild mood swings/physical violence while you sort your own stuff out.

Shane-KornSpace

Shane-KornSpace wrote: »

Woah! Over the top!

Not over the top at all and is perfectly worthy. Imagine if the roles were reversed and it was a guy saying that he hit his girlfriend, he shouted at her, and he did the exact same things, then do you really think you'd say the same?

The OP is being an abusive girlfriend and isn't really doing much to change it - cutting down on tea or diet is worth nothing, especially since another poster made the interesting point that they don't get angry at colleagues or other people - just the people she deems are worthy of it. She can control her anger, she just doesn't for the most part.

You should really consider ending the relationship before he does and get yourself some help to get to the actual issues.

simonsays1

[QUOTE
Hitting your partner is utterly unacceptable, and because moves the blanket? That is seriously over the top.

She knows that, that's why she said it!


You should be ashamed of yourself in my opinion.[/QUOTE]

How is this helpful? Don't bother replying if you're going to be nasty and preachy about it. OP needs guidance not sermons

OP, well done for acknowledging there's an issue. I'd look to book and speak to a counsellor as soon as you can. Also, explain to your loved ones that you are aware of the issue and hope to mend it.
Good luck

Merkin

I also think you should break up with your partner, he shouldn't have to tolerate such abuse.

I would then go and speak to a professional for counselling and anger management, you sound like you're out of control.

LegacyUser

You don't need to be on prescriptions to get this sorted - it's not likely to be a chemical thing in your body that makes you act this way, but more something like unhealthy thought patterns and not dealing with stress adequately or appropriately.

As someone else pointed out, it's something you only do with those closest to you, so somewhere inside you know that this behaviour is not acceptable in wider society and are able to control it.

You need to talk to either your GP or look up therapists in your area who deal with anger management as soon as you can, if you want to fix your relationship or have a healthy one in the future.

You also need to sit and talk honestly with your boyfriend about everything, what he has to say may be helpful to you. I don't believe it's good for him to be with you if you have come to the point of hitting him.

As someone who's been on the other side of this, sudden mood swings and anger problems, believe me the attraction fades as you get worn out by the other person's behaviour. It's a stressful way to live for all involved.

At this point your boyfriend is in a abusive relationship. Even though mine never hit me or verbally abused me, my counsellor said that the anger and the anxiety it caused was abuse in itself. It was a horrible experience for me and it took me a long time to break out of it.

I hope that you both get some help, and soon.

heretochat

I agree with those that say you need to work on your anger issues through your GP and counselling, and that you need to do this in isolation from your relationship.

I am also of the opinion that it may be best to call time on your relationship while you work through your own issues.

Would never condone violence in any form but I would commend you for recognising that you have an issue that you need to work on.

Until you display the same self control towards your partner and those close to you as you would your boss or strangers on the street, you have no business inflicting your temper and violence on any other person. To be quite frank, all the feeling bad in the world is worthless if you do nothing to address your problem.

Beg your partner and family for forgiveness, and leave him be while you sort out what is behind your lack of self control and behaviour with a professional. You can learn to manage your temper and anger, but only if you want to.

Big Bag of Chips

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People will have different opinion on issues, and are entitled to express those opinion. It's up to the OP to take what they feel is relevant from a thread, not up to others to get offended on their behalf.

Neyite

HmmmGirl87 wrote: »

I have a short fuse and I know it. I flip out only to my family and partner and I don't feel good about it. I never really noticed it until I moved in with my partner who receives the brunt of my insane moods 24/7. I am unpredictable. I have stopped drinking caffeine (tea included) and have monitored my diet to try and figure it out.

You are selective in your abuse, therefore you are in fact, very predicable. Just like any domestic abuser. Its not your diet, or your caffeine intake that's causing you to hit out at a few select people. Its the fact that there are no repercussions for you. You wouldnt do it to someone who could prosecute you, or fire you, because you know better. So honestly is it as uncontrollable as you think?

wrote:

Now I am very lucky my partner is an ocean of patience, but like all water, he is slowly evaporating. I do not want to lose him but the gaps in-between anger and smile are getting longer and longer. It's gone to the point where I would hit him in bed if moves the blanket an inch.

He does not do anything to deserve this, and neither does my family.

So the Cycle of abuse is getting more and more frequent, and the physical abuse is escalating. Textbook really. You are correct that nobody deserves this treatment, and you WILL lose those you say you care about if you continue.

wrote:

I have been in this relationship two years, and it is currently the longest. My partner recently sustained an injury which has him on the couch all day. this is not the reason of my anger. I do have commitment issues, which we have spoken about (we are very communicative). I feel trapped now so my anger is worse as he is not eligible for any state welfare. And being foreign with not many friends he has no where to go. But I must state my anger was here before the injury.

Does anybody have any suggestions please as to what could be the cause and cure? I don't want to be on medical prescriptions.

So now you are focusing on his faults as the cause of your anger. Not acceptable to be honest. I'm guessing that he feels trapped too. Isolated and injured in a foreign country with no money and few friends, and being male has no access to a DV refuge, he is probably counting the days until he heals and can get the hell away from your abusive behaviour.

Harsh? Absolutely, and I make no apologies for it. There is someone here getting verbally, emotionally and physically battered by you for no reason whatsoever, and I get the impression that you feel the cause is somehow external to you, and will only look for a cure if it suits YOU. Your comment about not going on medication indicates this. That's a moot point because medication wont cure this.

You need counselling. And lots of it. With a specialised counseller who deals with abusers, so in that case, you should contact your GP for a referral for this. If you are serious about trying to change, you need to get professional help. It cannot be done on your own. I wish you luck if you are willing to put the effort in.

HmmmGirl87

Wow everyone, thanks.

For those who think I should be ashamed and for those who accept my confession, your comments really help, and yes, I will follow the advice and go to my GP and suss out counselling.

I just don't know why I am like this, and I can't blame anyone or anything but myself, but it IS really confusing.

Thanks again

Neyite

HmmmGirl87 wrote: »

Wow everyone, thanks.

For those who think I should be ashamed and for those who accept my confession, your comments really help, and yes, I will follow the advice and go to my GP and suss out counselling.

I just don't know why I am like this, and I can't blame anyone or anything but myself, but it IS really confusing.

Thanks again

Its great that you are taking ownership of this. Thats a big step forward. Here is a list of the signs of DV. Have a read, and see how many you can see that you have done to your family or partner. No need to list them here of course. I suspect the answers might shock you.

The fact is, its assault. It is a crime. You could easily end up being arrested with a criminal conviction /barring order/ restraining order against you here. That will seriously affect some job prospects, or travelling abroad. It will most certainly affect this and any relationship you have, and damage children, should you have them in the future. It sounds like you are very lucky he has not called the Gardai on you yet.

Please do something soon to try and break this cycle.

It's not just that, OP. You need to sit down with your partner and your family and tell them just how sorry you are, not us.

Tramps Like Us

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship - BREAK UP WITH HIM. Poor guy. Hitting him for moving the blanket?

No amount of intellectualizing will change the fact that you are an abuser, and abusing your boyfriend. If you haven't "lost" him by now its probably because like many victims of abuse he feels trapped and is mentally broken down.

HmmmGirl87

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship

I realise that, and I have tried to break up with him a couple of times, and suggested that I move into the spare bedroom while he gets back on his feet but he is having none of it!

I mentioned these threads but he just laughed it off, so I am NOT keeping him in an abusive relationship.

As I mentioned, we are very communicative so every outburst we talk through it.

I am just looking for advice as to what to do, thinking it was diet or something, but it is psychological on my part.

I have made an appointment with my GP, and I want to thank everyone again for their advice.

HmmmGirl87

HmmmGirl87 wrote: »

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship

I realise that, and I have tried to break up with him a couple of times, and suggested that I move into the spare bedroom while he gets back on his feet but he is having none of it!

I mentioned these threads but he just laughed it off, so I am NOT keeping him in an abusive relationship.

As I mentioned, we are very communicative so every outburst we talk through it.

I am just looking for advice as to what to do, thinking it was diet or something, but it is psychological on my part.

I have made an appointment with my GP, and I want to thank everyone again for their advice.

There's little or no point in being communicative when you. keep. doing. it.

clairefontaine

HmmmGirl87 wrote: »

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship

I realise that, and I have tried to break up with him a couple of times, and suggested that I move into the spare bedroom while he gets back on his feet but he is having none of it!

I mentioned these threads but he just laughed it off, so I am NOT keeping him in an abusive relationship.

As I mentioned, we are very communicative so every outburst we talk through it.

I am just looking for advice as to what to do, thinking it was diet or something, but it is psychological on my part.

I have made an appointment with my GP, and I want to thank everyone again for their advice.

Exlcuding a mood or psychiatric disorder, which for the time being is an idea that can be parked, it's probably old rage and old grudges and old hurt behind it and now you have a lot of triggers and they will be revealed with familiar people because that is where the boundaries are more flexible.

When you feel yourself anger, count backwards from 100 in increments of 7.

Keep your blood sugars regular and get lots of excersise.

HmmmGirl87

Deleted User wrote: »

HmmmGirl87 wrote: »

There's little or no point in being communicative when you. keep. doing. it.

It's a process, it will take time, I'm working on it.

Taltos

OP - not sure where to start.
Firstly I guess you are really lucky, normally if the other partner were to post here we would be recommending they seek immediate support from a professional and to go to the gardai.

In terms of you trying to break up with him and him laughing at this - sorry but that's a cop out. You don't try to break up - you just break up. I know I know it's not that easy - but really it is. I though am hesitant to rush to tell you to break up - I don't know enough about your relationship but would have thought being separated to allow you to focus on getting well would be best.

Can I suggest though that you go immediately to your GP - explain to them what is happening and tell them that you need urgent help. Not kidding here, as someone with a short fuse myself wanting to lash out because he moves the blanket an inch is not normal in any of the twelve dimensions. Spell it all out to your GP - actually write down a few incidences, triggers, how you felt and what your first impulse to do was and what you did - bring all this to your GP.
I am focussing on the GP here as they may need to run a range of tests - there could be any number of things here that they need to eliminate but also they need to understand the severity of your impulse/rage issues to get you to a therapist or to an appropriate treatment if it is physiological and not something else.

Not kidding here OP - how soon before your reactions escalate further and you injure your partner or worse...
It's great you've come on here - but I think you can see by the various reactions this is not normal or acceptable.

Virgil°

I'd have to agree with the others on the breaking up point OP. He can't just laugh off a breakup if you actually follow through with it.
No right minded person would stay in an abusive relationship like the one you describe. The near two years of abuse you've put him through has obviously taken its toll on his judgement.

You can talk about it with him all you like but you're still doing it and until you can control yourself it is your responsibility to extricate him from the situation.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread closed at OP's request