Girlfriend - weight gain concerns

LegacyUser

I feel a bit ****ty posting this tbh, but wouldn't be a topic to discuss with friends.

Have been going out with my gf for nearly a year, and things are absolutely fantastic in all areas of our relationship. We're in love, sexually and emotionally compatible and already making plans for our future together.

This is where I'm going to come across as a complete dick. And I must emphasise I have not said anything negative to her or made her feel bad in anyway, either directly or indirectly!!!

She had the coil thing-y put in there a few months ago to help with period problems mainly, and since then there seem to have been physical and emotional side effects. She's started to put on weight, and in a short space of time it seems. She has mentioned it a few times over Xmas, and I always said that she looked great and gave her compliments as I'd normally do. She still does look great but there is a noticeable difference and her cup size has gone up too which is the main noticeable difference as it makes her a bit out of proportion. I've noticed that it is starting to get her down, but she is not making any efforts to change her diet.

I did a bit of research on the coil and weight gain comes up as a side effect. But many sources say it's due to increased appetite, or the moodswings and emotional eating. She's in a very good place in her life, and would only have small worries like the rest of us, so the emotional eating must be hormonal.

I live a very healthy lifestyle and looking good has always been a confidence booster and generally makes me very happy. She has never had to watch her weight before and her metabolism was always fast so she could munch away on even more than me.

My main concern is that she will reach the point of no return, where she'll put on so much weight that she won't be able to lose it. I don't know how to approach the subject of healthier eating without it being very obvious that I'm having a dig. She'd be very sensitive to it, and would see through it straight away!

Any advice?

3DataModem

There's no easy way to handle this. Perhaps suggest taking walls together, or sharing cooking and meal preparation.

Don't feel bad about finding her less attractive; just don't be judgemental or - worse - lie about it.

MagicMarker

Rather than bring it up with her, I'd wait for her to mention it. Then just be honest with her, tell her she's brought it up a few times but she hasn't actually done anything about it! Tell her you'll help her, make it a "couple" thing, both of you eat healthier, both of you go for a walks or hiking or something.

Victoria Fortescue

tryingnottobeinsensitive wrote: »

I feel a bit ****ty posting this tbh, but wouldn't be a topic to discuss with friends.

Have been going out with my gf for nearly a year, and things are absolutely fantastic in all areas of our relationship. We're in love, sexually and emotionally compatible and already making plans for our future together.

This is where I'm going to come across as a complete dick. And I must emphasise I have not said anything negative to her or made her feel bad in anyway, either directly or indirectly!!!

She had the coil thing-y put in there a few months ago to help with period problems mainly, and since then there seem to have been physical and emotional side effects. She's started to put on weight, and in a short space of time it seems. She has mentioned it a few times over Xmas, and I always said that she looked great and gave her compliments as I'd normally do. She still does look great but there is a noticeable difference and her cup size has gone up too which is the main noticeable difference as it makes her a bit out of proportion. I've noticed that it is starting to get her down, but she is not making any efforts to change her diet.

I did a bit of research on the coil and weight gain comes up as a side effect. But many sources say it's due to increased appetite, or the moodswings and emotional eating. She's in a very good place in her life, and would only have small worries like the rest of us, so the emotional eating must be hormonal.

I live a very healthy lifestyle and looking good has always been a confidence booster and generally makes me very happy. She has never had to watch her weight before and her metabolism was always fast so she could munch away on even more than me.

My main concern is that she will reach the point of no return, where she'll put on so much weight that she won't be able to lose it. I don't know how to approach the subject of healthier eating without it being very obvious that I'm having a dig. She'd be very sensitive to it, and would see through it straight away!

Any advice?

You're not being a díck, though I'm glad you're coming here looking for a bit of support about this. Honestly speaking, whenever I'm not loaded up on hormones my body goes back to normal. I've been on the pill for over a decade and that had an effect on my weight. I went off it, then I went back to normal. I got the implant in, then I blew up again. Off it again, and I'm heading back to normal again. Not all women are effected in this way though, but it seems your girlfriend might be.

You're right to be sensitive about this, because she is trying to protect you both from having a baby before you are ready for it. Shes not blind either, and she's probably aware that she is gaining a little.

I don't know about the approach on this one, other than how I'd hope to hear it. If you noticed shes emotionally different, just tell her that you love her and tell her she seems emotionally different, and suggest to her that since the coil went in she is not herself and you want her 'back', so to speak. I think I'd probably ball and cry about the weight gain at that point

Speak from the heart, because I'm sure its not just the physical appearance of her you miss. When I lost my body in the past because of contraceptives I lost my self-esteem and personality over all.

Ham Sambo

Your question really is.. my girlfriend has put on weight and how do I make her lose it.. . To be honest I think you are very selfish, when she asks you how do she look you pay her loads of compliments and behind her back you are saying that she is fat! not nice.

Typer Monkey

In defence of the OP he came here for advice on how to handle this sensitively. He's entitled to be concerned. His girlfriend does not look how she did when they got together and he doesn't find her as attractive anymore. That's the reality, that's how he feels and it doesn't make him an as*hole.

OP, you need to sit her down and have an honest chat about how you feel about the weight gain. Stop lying to her that she looks great when that's not how you feel. That's babying her and it's not doing either of you any favours. After that the ball is in her court. The motivation has to come from her. You can't trick her into healthy eating and 'going for walks' will never negate a poor diet. Hormonal contraception can lead to weight gain but it's due to an increased appetite leading to increased eating. It doesn't magic the weight on.

If she's never had to watch what she eats, she may just not know how. There's an excellent and very helpful Health and Fitness forum here on boards with a Nutrition sub-forum which has great stickies about nutrition. The Myfitnesspal app is great for tracking what she's currently eating and if it's used honestly it's a great indication of where the excess calories are coming from. If she's never trained, a session with a personal trainer would be a great investment. Other people find the likes of Slimming World effective and enjoy the re-education about how to eat and find the group support great. Different approaches work for different people.

Again though, all you can do is be honest with her that you are less attracted to her. The hard work has to come from her but you can certainly help. Of course she may decide that she won't/can't loose the weight or make any diet/lifestyle changes and then you have to decide if her physique is something you can live with given how good the rest of your relationship is. But try the honesty first

LegacyUser

Does she exercise or is she into fitness as well?

Most people will put on weight and if they're not exercising then it just happens naturally.

Brego888

Ham Sambo wrote: »

Your question really is.. my girlfriend has put on weight and how do I make her lose it.. . To be honest I think you are very selfish, when she asks you how do she look you pay her loads of compliments and behind her back you are saying that she is fat! not nice.

What a ridiculous comment. Truly ridiculous.
OP, like an above poster mentioned when she asks about it next reassure her that it's not a problem for you but you'll work on it together with diet and exercise. You are completely asking and doing the right thing.

Ham sambo, the mind boggles, I'd nearly think you are trolling

Neyite

Wait until the next time she mentions it, then be constructive and supportive but honest in reply. Or if she mentions the coil that can open up a discussion on how its helping her gynae problem and ask her if she is getting any side effects and how is she finding them. That might open up the conversation to include discussion of the weight gain.

It may very well be that the coil might not suit her, but usually doctors give contraception a 6 month trial before seeing if there is a need for change. It also might be that the coil is sorting out major discomfort, moods and heavy bleeding and compared with what she went through before when getting her period the extra weight is worth it as a trade off.

Its very normal to go up cup sizes on hormonal contraception and you will find it probably would happen no matter what hormonal method is used. Some women's cup size fluctuates during an ordinary cycle without any contraception.

It may be that she is quite thin to begin with and is filling out to a normal weight - you didn't mention what size /weight/ height she is. That happened to me when I stopped smoking. I put on weight, and looked bulgy in my usual clothes. In reality, I had just gone from a 6-8 to a 8-10 so still very slim, just needed to up-size my clothes to accommodate my weight gain. My weight stablised at this weight and I've been the same ever since, even during and after a pregnancy.

Would you be willing to use non-hormonal methods such as condoms as your primary contraception if she wanted to avoid hormonal methods?

December2012

I wonder if a roundabout way of talking about the coil itself would be for you to review your contraception options? If you wore a condom she would not have to have the coil in.

Also try and do some healthy things together - cleanses, drinking loads of water, walks, swimming, etc.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I never said I wasn't attracted to her anymore, I don't feel anything has changed in that department.

However, my op was about my concerns that it could lead to an unhealthier place down the line.
Regards the coil issue, the doctor advised her to try it out as she has other gynae problems - something to do with her uterus. She did her research beforehand too, and quite a few of our friends all seemed to have negative stories about it concerning mood changes and weight gain. But since it could help sort out her other gynae problems, it was the best route to take I think.

She has always been slim and has a physically active job. But she has zero interest in the gym or going for walks, although she will play football during the summer months. The issue is definitely to do with emotional eating and her diet.

I lead by example with my own diet, and while we spend most of our week together in hers or mine, we don't always cook for each other as we're on different time schedules with our jobs. She knows how to eat healthy most of the time, but I think since she has never had to watch what she eats before, that's where the problem lies - carb heavy dinners and snacks etc.

I shared a house with a female friend of mine years ago who struggled with her weight for years. I know people say that you can always lose weight but I do think that for many there can be a point of no return if you don't address initial weight gain. It will spiral out of control. My friend needed the encouragement to get herself fit and healthy and that came from her siblings and parents.

My gf knows she's getting heavier, and she knows it must be to do with the coil, but she's not addressing it at the moment. She is never emotionally down when we're together, but she has mentioned feeling down and not even knowing why. She related it to work stresses but she wasn't even convinced by that either.

I want to help her but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I love her to bits and anything I would say about her weight might stick with her for years. I just wouldn't want her to think I'm not attracted to her anymore, or that I wouldn't be in years to come when we have children and our bodies naturally change.
I suppose I wish she would start doing something about it herself and ask for my help and I'd take it from there. Or that one of her sisters might bring it up and encourage her a bit. Probably a cop out though..

Semele

Hormonal contraception can be a right pain in the a*s. I ballooned on anything I tried, and my doctor never took me seriously. Most of the advice here is great, but do be understanding if it's hard for your girlfriend to keep her weight down. When it says that a contraceptive is not associated with weight gain, this often means statistically significant weight-gain- which in many studies I've seen is considered to be 10% of starting weight! I had an argument with my doctor over this, where she didn't see the need to change me to another prescription. Anything up to 10% of my starting body weight is still a big fecking gain as far as I'm concerned, I don't care that it isnt considered medically significant! The other gem from my doctor was the (true) statement that 'the pill doesn't make you gain weight, it just makes you hungrier'...as though that was the clinching argument. FYI, being so ravenous all the time that you become obsessed with food, even as you compulsively overeat and hate your growing size, is no picnic!

flutterbye_99

OP, I would urge you to be very sensitive in the way you approach this subject with her. You may be coming at this from the perspective of being concerned for her health but you need to make that absolutely clear to her. You do not want her coming away thinking that you find her hideous or aren't attracted to her anymore.


All I can say is that if I was this girl and I found out that my boyfriend had been looking at me and sizing up my bulges and assessing the areas where I had put on weight, I would be very upset and embarrassed. I would find it hard to take that I was with somebody who was actively seeking out ways for me to lose weight without me even being aware he was doing so. It would make me feel as though he thought I was hideous and I would question how he would react as I aged - what would he say if I began to develop wrinkles or I got a few grey hairs... would these also be unacceptable to him also? I would just be devastated and forever self-conscious after this. So if you do broach the subject, bear in mind that you should emphasise the health aspects are what you are concerned about.


As others on here have mentioned and from what you appear to be saying, I am sure that she is aware that she has gained weight but perhaps for the first time in her life she is realising that she is unable to control her weight and this is a very scary prospect for any girl. Perhaps she just needs time to formulate a plan to deal with this.

I am not criticising you at all OP as I do not know the ins and outs of your relationship - maybe appearance is vitally important to you both in a partner. But I would urge you to try and see this from her perspective and that it is a very sensitive issue that could change the way she views you.

I wish you the best of luck.

Filibuster

Start a running program with her

Ham Sambo

Brego888 wrote: »

What a ridiculous comment. Truly ridiculous.
OP, like an above poster mentioned when she asks about it next reassure her that it's not a problem for you but you'll work on it together with diet and exercise. You are completely asking and doing the right thing.

Ham sambo, the mind boggles, I'd nearly think you are trolling

With respect, I don' think my comment was ridiculous at all, why doesn't he be honest with his girlfriend and tell her the truth, if she has put on weight if would appear she has done so because she has decided to start using the coil as one method of contraception, I mean he can't have it everyway!

Maga

Hi OP,

Just a few things that came to my mind.

I've seen a lot of threads here before about partners gaining weight and how the other partner should deal with this situation. In most cases, the main problem was that one of the partners was losing attraction for the other

In your case, if I read it correctly, it seems like although you are worried about her weight gain, you are not necessarily less attracted to her? You are perhaps more worried that - as you said - she will "pass the point of no return" and not be able to lose it? And you are also worried about her mood swings and herself not feeling good about the weight gain. That is great for so many reasons, because 1) you are very supportive and caring, 2) you are not in denial and 3) you are being logical and actively seeking information to improve your lives.

As for the weight gain itself, in general people have a biological set-point for their weight, and even if they put up a bit of weight for a while (let's say due to contraception/lack of time to eat well/traveling to a country where their diet is different/having an injury that reduces their mobility etc), they are still able to lose it in the future if they change whatever was causing it. A few other posters here gave you their example and I can give my personal experience on that as well. Whenever I gained up to 10% my weight, once the "problem" was removed, I went back to my normal weight and it was all good.

In her case, I reckon it will be even easier, since you said she has a fast metabolism. So my impression is that if/when she get the IUD/coil removed, she would lose the weight naturally. Maybe you could chat about this if she is feeling down about her weight - remind her it's temporary.

I understand your fear that she may pass the point she would be able to lose it, especially if you have first hand experience living with a girl who battled weight gain on a daily basis (your flatmate). My impression is that in her case (your flatmate), she had a life time of bad habits ingrained in her mind and this is why it was so hard for her. Which is not the case of your gf. A lot of weight gain/lost has more to do with habits we are unconscious of, little habits that permeate every moment of our day. So eating healthily and exercising x times a week may help, but I have a feeling this may not be the solution - nor the problem in the case of your gf.

Now, I was a bit worried about you mentioning she had some condition in her uterus and the GP recommended the IUD. As far as I know, IUD is one of the most invasive methods of contraception, and as you are aware it has a lot of negative side effects. I'm not gonna go into more details cos we are not supposed to give medical advice in this forum, but my impression is that IUDs are usually preferred to women who already had a baby, and might not be a great idea if she already has an uterus condition. I think it could be a good idea to discuss other options with the GP or maybe even get a second opinion. Maybe go for one of those private clinics specialized in women well being? I always found them more helpful and knowledgeable than the general GP. And as far as I know, there are many other options now a days such as patches and 6 months hormones you could look into, and failing all that, you guys could try the condom for a while.

I know the condom is a bit of a hassle, but you can get used to it and make it fun too (think of lubes etc). And see if the problem goes away. There's also the female condom and a few other things you could check out that wouldn't mess up with her hormones.

All in all, as other posters mentioned, you both must keep in mind that she is doing quite a sacrifice for you both to not have a baby before you actually want it, and she is getting the hard part of it, ie emotional stress, loss of self-esteem etc. If she already eats fairly healthy, she is fairly active and she hates the gym, I think it would be a bit unfair asking her to take on even more chores. Sure, she might lose weight, but her routine now might have to include emotional swings (which the gym might not necessarily solve), giving up on foods that she always enjoyed, do an activity she hates... and who knows if it will really help all that much.

Summary: kudos to you for being supportive and seeking information. When she feels down about the weight, maybe do not ignore that she is heavier, but chat with her as "cheers babe for doign this for us". And def look into other contraception alternatives, there are many new things out there now a days, perhaps get a 2nd opinion (a lot of GPs can be very old school). Especially if she already has an uterus condition.

All the best, OP.

Ham Sambo

@Maga
Shouldn't this guy be having this conversation with his gf??

banquo

MagicMarker wrote: »

Rather than bring it up with her, I'd wait for her to mention it. Then just be honest with her, tell her she's brought it up a few times but she hasn't actually done anything about it! Tell her you'll help her, make it a "couple" thing, both of you eat healthier, both of you go for a walks or hiking or something.

This. It's better for her self-esteem, which you should care about. ALSO you get to keep your thumbs!

Dark Phoenix

next time she brings it up dont just brush it off with a 'nah your lovely' type comment as it isnt fair to her. Instead have an honest conversation with her.

The thing is she doesnt have to stick with a contraceptive method that doesnt suit her. if this coil is causing weight gain that she is struggling to shift then maybe another method that doesnt cause weight gain would be better for her? Im female and will be honest, if I changed contraception to something that made me gain a lot of weight, i;d be changing to something else.

Its all well and good to say healthy diet, more exercise etc but to me if she has the same lifestyle as before and has gained a lot of weight fast, this contraception is the problem not her lifestyle. I know the weight gain is probably from increased appetite etc but as its hormonal i don;t think it is as easy to prevent or shift.

Either way discuss it honestly with her and help and support her through what she wants to try and do

Neyite

Ham Sambo wrote: »

@Maga
Shouldn't this guy be having this conversation with his gf??

This is an advice forum. The OP asked for advice, and Maga took the time to write a reply giving advice.

If you have no advice to offer the OP, do not post. Tit for tat with other posters derail the thread.

LegacyUser

Maga wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just a few things that came to my mind.

I've seen a lot of threads here before about partners gaining weight and how the other partner should deal with this situation. In most cases, the main problem was that one of the partners was losing attraction for the other

In your case, if I read it correctly, it seems like although you are worried about her weight gain, you are not necessarily less attracted to her? You are perhaps more worried that - as you said - she will "pass the point of no return" and not be able to lose it? And you are also worried about her mood swings and herself not feeling good about the weight gain. That is great for so many reasons, because 1) you are very supportive and caring, 2) you are not in denial and 3) you are being logical and actively seeking information to improve your lives.

As for the weight gain itself, in general people have a biological set-point for their weight, and even if they put up a bit of weight for a while (let's say due to contraception/lack of time to eat well/traveling to a country where their diet is different/having an injury that reduces their mobility etc), they are still able to lose it in the future if they change whatever was causing it. A few other posters here gave you their example and I can give my personal experience on that as well. Whenever I gained up to 10% my weight, once the "problem" was removed, I went back to my normal weight and it was all good.

In her case, I reckon it will be even easier, since you said she has a fast metabolism. So my impression is that if/when she get the IUD/coil removed, she would lose the weight naturally. Maybe you could chat about this if she is feeling down about her weight - remind her it's temporary.

I understand your fear that she may pass the point she would be able to lose it, especially if you have first hand experience living with a girl who battled weight gain on a daily basis (your flatmate). My impression is that in her case (your flatmate), she had a life time of bad habits ingrained in her mind and this is why it was so hard for her. Which is not the case of your gf. A lot of weight gain/lost has more to do with habits we are unconscious of, little habits that permeate every moment of our day. So eating healthily and exercising x times a week may help, but I have a feeling this may not be the solution - nor the problem in the case of your gf.

Now, I was a bit worried about you mentioning she had some condition in her uterus and the GP recommended the IUD. As far as I know, IUD is one of the most invasive methods of contraception, and as you are aware it has a lot of negative side effects. I'm not gonna go into more details cos we are not supposed to give medical advice in this forum, but my impression is that IUDs are usually preferred to women who already had a baby, and might not be a great idea if she already has an uterus condition. I think it could be a good idea to discuss other options with the GP or maybe even get a second opinion. Maybe go for one of those private clinics specialized in women well being? I always found them more helpful and knowledgeable than the general GP. And as far as I know, there are many other options now a days such as patches and 6 months hormones you could look into, and failing all that, you guys could try the condom for a while.

I know the condom is a bit of a hassle, but you can get used to it and make it fun too (think of lubes etc). And see if the problem goes away. There's also the female condom and a few other things you could check out that wouldn't mess up with her hormones.

All in all, as other posters mentioned, you both must keep in mind that she is doing quite a sacrifice for you both to not have a baby before you actually want it, and she is getting the hard part of it, ie emotional stress, loss of self-esteem etc. If she already eats fairly healthy, she is fairly active and she hates the gym, I think it would be a bit unfair asking her to take on even more chores. Sure, she might lose weight, but her routine now might have to include emotional swings (which the gym might not necessarily solve), giving up on foods that she always enjoyed, do an activity she hates... and who knows if it will really help all that much.

Summary: kudos to you for being supportive and seeking information. When she feels down about the weight, maybe do not ignore that she is heavier, but chat with her as "cheers babe for doign this for us". And def look into other contraception alternatives, there are many new things out there now a days, perhaps get a 2nd opinion (a lot of GPs can be very old school). Especially if she already has an uterus condition.

All the best, OP.

@Maga
As far as I can gather the coil is to help deal with this uterus issue, to help relieve pain she experienced during periods. Apologies for not knowing the full details, she did explain it to me during the summer, something to do with the uterus shape or position.. I really should ask her again. As such, it is not only being used as a contraceptive method.

I think I am jumping the gun a little, as I can be very pragmatic about health issues to do with myself - I would always be the sort to address changes to my health as soon as I'd notice them. I understand now that this may only be a temporary change, and that her body is adapting to this.

I think the only thing I can do is to wait for her to bring it up again, and ask her a few more questions about how she's feeling about being on it. Regarding her low moods, that is something I never witness but she has said it to me that she's noticed a change in herself. So I'll use that as a starting point.
I really wouldn't want to say that I noticed she is heavier, but I'll try and approach it in a way that I'm there for her and can help her with diet etc if she wants me to.
We are moving in together during the summer and our schedules will be more in synch then.

As regards to the poster who thinks I should be saying this to my gf, I'm here for advice. And I've gotten some great advice, so cheers to all.

Katgurl

This is a tricky one OP, I'm sure Ive annoyed many an ex boyfriend with my weight worries.

Only one handled it correctly. He made no reference whatsoever to my weight (I don't think he had any issue whatsoever), he was just well up on nutrition and fitness himself. So the second or third time he heard me make a remark he asked for a look at my food diary, which was followed by him suggesting I keep a foo diary, which I did. So he gave me loads of help and support getting started and it became a very enjoyable process for me.

I never felt bad about it, or wondered whether he found me attractive. All the tricky emotional stuff was taken away because he just gave me straightforward advice about my diet / exercise - NOT my appearance.

I suggest you do the same.

shelly22

Your girlfriend will be feeling bad enough about this.you need to support her. When she is finished with her contraception she will go back to normal.

gemini_girl

Its a tricky one if she needs the coil for gynae issues. I presume if ye ever decided to have kids she would have to have it taken out anyway so it wouldnt be a permanent thing anyway.
Personally I cant even look at the pill or anything like that & i put on 2 stone. I once gained 18lbs in 11 days from a contraceptive injection, alot was water retention that was so bad i ended up with carpal tunnel syndrome!
Hormone based contraception also gave me mood swings & terrible skin.
You could broach the subject from the hormonal side of things & ask her how she's feeling. You could mention she hasnt been herself, the could well mention the weight gain then herself opening up the chance to talk about it.
I found when using hormone contraception I was starving the whole time so she could well be eating healthy but maybe portion sizes too big because of hunger?
You def done the right thing coming here for advice because it is a sensitive issue.
My own husband a few years ago called me a baby elephant in an affectionate way (a baby animal) but I never let him live it down (dunno what he was thinking!) & every so often i'd bring it up in an argument or if my weight was getting me down so do be careful how you word what you say.
Best of luck

Rubylolz

If she brings it up again, I'd jst offer to help her by going exercising or something? thats indirectly getting the point across without coming across as mean...