Lonely and on the verge of giving up

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one...

I'm a 26 year old male, and I'm not even sure why I'm writing this post - getting it off my chest I guess...

For as long as I can remember, all I have ever wanted was a stable relationship, but for some reason this has eluded me. I'm reasonably confident and have a wide circle of friends, but when it comes to romance I am quite shy - probably the product of a less than stellar self image.

I've only ever had two proper girlfriends, and two other on/off recurring flings with someone I really liked over a longer period - all three situations involved me daring to hope to myself that I had finally found a stable situation with someone I liked a lot and ended in me getting dumped for someone else or abruptly friendzoned and ending up in a depressive, self-loathing funk for literally weeks or months where all I feel able to do is sleep to the extent that I find it hard to concentrate on anything else or even function properly - it's aweful...

This week I got the abrupt "I just think we're far better off as friends" message from a girl I had been seeing and really like - I had thought it was going well, and she didn't give any reason for this change of mind. I guess I should be happy to stay friends with her as I do think she's really sound and we do get on really well, but the truth is that I'm also devastated and going through the usual mental reaction to such news - sleep, self-loath, obsessively interrogate myself as to what I did to cause her to go off me etc.

It's gotten to the extent that I'm giving serious thought to just giving up the search for love and resigning myself to being alone - no matter how hard I try I can't seem to make any sort of stable connection work, and as much as all I really wish I had was a girlfriend to care about and who cared about me - if I get thrown into this dark place every time I allow myself to get my hopes up and invariably fail then is the exercise even worth it? It just tends to make me feel even more lonely and miserable...

Has anyone been through something similar? Has anyone managed to snap themselves out of this mindset even? I would appreciate any advice

Celly Smunt

Take a step back and chill, as weird as it may sound sometimes the best ones come along when you're not actively looking.Maybe it's a confidence thing that women sense to a degree a sort of "i'm not out looking,so come get me" attitude. The more you stress about it the worse you'll get, your confidence will be shattered and you won't be in the right frame of mind when the right one does come along.

brandom

You sound so much like my boyfriend, although we are both a little older than you. He has mentioned on numerous occasions that he had pretty much given up on finding someone before I came along, and like you would have been a little on the shy side.He would have had a similar past relationship history too, but their loss is my gain
As Celly posted, sometimes the best ones come along when you're not actively looking- thats exactly what happened with us, except that in the beginning it seemed like it would be impossible for us to get together- now we are heading for three years together.
I guess what I really want to say is you never know what life has in store, and you are far too young to be giving up, really your life is only beginning and there is so much more ahead for you. It can be very hard when you don't see a break up coming, its a real shock to the system, and I feel for you, but don't close yourself off in the future because of it, maybe just don't run away with yourself either, and when you find someone new, just take it one day at a time and enjoy the moment instead of getting ahead of yourself and thinking too much about the future
Good luck

NIMAN

You're 26, and to quote you, "I'm reasonably confident" and "have a wide circle of friends". To be honest, thats a lot that many others don't have.

OK so you say you're shy when it comes to romance. I take it you're an Irish man? Well then you are the same as the vast majority of Irish men. We aren't renowned for being great women killers!

If I was you I wouldn't panic. Romance can often appear out of nowhere and I would guess you have a lifestyle where it has plenty of opportunities to happen. Try not to get too down whenever a relationship ends. Very few people find long lasting romance with their first girlfriend. It will happen for you, sometime. Probably when you are least expecting it.

LegacyUser

When I was 26 I met my first gf....

I'm 40 now and have had a few in between then and now.

Why would you give up at such a young age? Most people don't really know themselves til they hit their 30s and I've a fair few friends who hooked up in with girls in their 20s who are now separated.

Give it time and stop worrying about it.

flutterbye_99

I'm a 26 year old female, similar situation to yourself OP.

Have been in two serious previous relationships. Last relationship ended very badly over two and a half years ago and it took me a very long time to get over this one as I had thought he was the man of my dreams. However, this relationship ended very abruptly when I was broken up with out of the blue.

Like you, for ages after this I felt like that was it for me. That somehow I had blown my chance at happiness for life - even though I was not the one that destroyed the relationship. It took me ages to get back to feeling like myself, my confidence was on the floor and I was literally a shadow of my former self. I was very aware of how vulnerable I was at this time and as such I decided to protect myself from further hurt so I stopped myself from going near any guys or drinking on nights out until I felt okay in myself again.

I took lots of time to work on myself. I really asked myself some very tough questions about what I really wanted from my life, put myself in lots of new situations (social & career-wise), expanded my horizons and most importantly I surrounded myself with people who I know truly love me no matter what- my friends and family. I got rid of the negativity of that past relationship (cut contact with that a-hole) and while it hasn't been an easy road and sometimes I do get down about being single, I am glad that I am not with somebody as nasty as that person was. I'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't appreciate or respect me.

Please don't tell yourself (Like I did) that you are not worthy of love and that your chances have passed you by. Don't close yourself off to the possibility of love. Be kind to yourself. You are truly better off being on your own and content than with somebody who does not appreciate or respect you.

I truly hope you find the happiness that you are looking for.


All the best x

mfergus

flutterbye_99 wrote: »

I'm a 26 year old female, similar situation to yourself OP.

Have been in two serious previous relationships. Last relationship ended very badly over two and a half years ago and it took me a very long time to get over this one as I had thought he was the man of my dreams. However, this relationship ended very abruptly when I was broken up with out of the blue.

Like you, for ages after this I felt like that was it for me. That somehow I had blown my chance at happiness for life - even though I was not the one that destroyed the relationship. It took me ages to get back to feeling like myself, my confidence was on the floor and I was literally a shadow of my former self. I was very aware of how vulnerable I was at this time and as such I decided to protect myself from further hurt so I stopped myself from going near any guys or drinking on nights out until I felt okay in myself again.

I took lots of time to work on myself. I really asked myself some very tough questions about what I really wanted from my life, put myself in lots of new situations (social & career-wise), expanded my horizons and most importantly I surrounded myself with people who I know truly love me no matter what- my friends and family. I got rid of the negativity of that past relationship (cut contact with that a-hole) and while it hasn't been an easy road and sometimes I do get down about being single, I am glad that I am not with somebody as nasty as that person was. I'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't appreciate or respect me.

Please don't tell yourself (Like I did) that you are not worthy of love and that your chances have passed you by. Don't close yourself off to the possibility of love. Be kind to yourself. You are truly better off being on your own and content than with somebody who does not appreciate or respect you.

I truly hope you find the happiness that you are looking for.


All the best x

Hmmm. I have an idea...

It involves you and op....

LegacyUser

flutterbye_99 wrote: »

I'm a 26 year old female, similar situation to yourself OP.

Have been in two serious previous relationships. Last relationship ended very badly over two and a half years ago and it took me a very long time to get over this one as I had thought he was the man of my dreams. However, this relationship ended very abruptly when I was broken up with out of the blue.

Like you, for ages after this I felt like that was it for me. That somehow I had blown my chance at happiness for life - even though I was not the one that destroyed the relationship. It took me ages to get back to feeling like myself, my confidence was on the floor and I was literally a shadow of my former self. I was very aware of how vulnerable I was at this time and as such I decided to protect myself from further hurt so I stopped myself from going near any guys or drinking on nights out until I felt okay in myself again.

I took lots of time to work on myself. I really asked myself some very tough questions about what I really wanted from my life, put myself in lots of new situations (social & career-wise), expanded my horizons and most importantly I surrounded myself with people who I know truly love me no matter what- my friends and family. I got rid of the negativity of that past relationship (cut contact with that a-hole) and while it hasn't been an easy road and sometimes I do get down about being single, I am glad that I am not with somebody as nasty as that person was. I'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't appreciate or respect me.

Please don't tell yourself (Like I did) that you are not worthy of love and that your chances have passed you by. Don't close yourself off to the possibility of love. Be kind to yourself. You are truly better off being on your own and content than with somebody who does not appreciate or respect you.

I truly hope you find the happiness that you are looking for.


All the best x

OP here.

Thanks for all the replies and the quoted one in particular - makes me feel a lot better that I'm not on my own in feeling the way I do

flutterbye_99

mfergus, are you Cilla in disguise?

mfergus

flutterbye_99 wrote: »

mfergus, are you Cilla in disguise?

What's a cilla?

Edit; who's cilla?

flutterbye_99

Cilla Black of course

http://youtu.be/NnViAM7jaS0

mfergus

flutterbye_99 wrote: »

Cilla Black of course

http://youtu.be/NnViAM7jaS0

Ah right I get ya, I was thinking it could kill 2 birds with the one stone, give me a start at my amateur blind date hosting.

Got me thinking, maybe boards need a dating forum!

czechlin

Hi OP, there must be something in the air as I had various conversations about this topic with friends at the weekend. I'm 26 year old female and agree with what Celly, flutterbye and others said.
I've been single for well 'almost ever' to quote some of my friends. And it can get lonely sometimes. Maybe even depressing but don't give up. Years back I thought I was the kind of a person that's just going to fall in love and be with that person for life. I felt like I was made for that. Well clearly that didn't happen. I've been told quite recently that my almost constant singledom and lack of previous long term relationships is becoming a red flag and I should really cop on. Which didn't put me in the best mood and started to question myself again.

The thing is, I've tried, sometimes maybe even too hard. I had to take a step back and look at things from a distance. I didn't give up as such. I just took a break from trying. A little similar to flutterbye - to work on myself, to enjoy myself. And I loved it. I'm more confident when it comes to certain things and I'm quite excited about the future. It'll be great to have someone to share it with but I don't want to have my life wrapped around the "what if". So I pretty much go by the all mentioned above - step back and chill + be kind to yourself and enjoy your life as it is.

I hope you find your own way to deal with this situation and make yourself happy, then everything else will fall into a place

beks101

Depressed&Lonely wrote: »

For as long as I can remember, all I have ever wanted was a stable relationship, but for some reason this has eluded me.

I think you've pinpointed your own problem right there.

A relationship shouldn't be "all you have ever wanted". It should be something that comes along and enhances an already fulfilling life that's already full and brimming with love and laughter and happiness.

I'm not saying turn your back on your feelings or anything. Hell it's the most human thing in the world to long for love and affection and a partner to be intimate with and share your life with. But acquiring those things shouldn't be the essence of your being.

The problem with that, from a practical standpoint, is that you're facing the world from a glass-half full perspective. You feel inadequate, lacking, low on confidence, like half a person, and any girl who comes along and offers even a hint of this 'happily ever after' you're looking for is abruptly weighted with a huge pressure to fit into this role before she's even had time to figure out her feelings for you.

I know this because I've been that girl. I've met the guy who took a shine to me and immediately I ticked the "girlfriend / longterm relationship / sorted" box for him, before I'd even figured out if I wanted another date. It's a huge pressure and it takes the fun out of dating because it curbs the organic flow of dates and feelings and getting-to-know-one-another that a healthy relationship is born from. It makes things awkward, stilted, stressful.

And in turn I've done it with a few guys. I've been single for most of my twenties - always pining after some Prince Charming to take away the headfcuk of all these dating disasters and non-starters and going-nowheres. I've met someone I was mad about and nose-dived into it and sent them running for cover too, because I wasn't presenting the fun, happy-go-lucky, self-secure, comfortable, laid-back, confident person that I am to the guy - I had my "I need you to want me / I need a proper bloody relationship Goddammit!!! face on, which let's be honest, isn't all that attractive. It's not really selling yourself or your life, you know?

I know you desperately want a relationship and you're disappointed and disillusioned after this last girl. I know the many failed attempts at relationships are getting you down.

But maybe pick a different perspective. From what I've read, you sound like a normal 20s lad, having the craic with friends, dating a bit on the side, no-one worth talking about yet but lots of stories to tell You're not defunct, or abnormal, or "unworthy of a relationship" - you're just living your life your own way and learning a few lessons along the way.

I'm not far from your age, I've had a great span of fcuked up dating scenarios, most of them unfulfilling and infuriating - I stood back a bit not so long ago and realized there was a pattern. I was picking the wrong guys, based on initial attraction but mainly my projection of what I needed the guy to be - with sometimes comical results :pac:

It's ok to want a relationship. But you need to want other things too, just as much. Like a fun, fulfilling life. Or maybe an exciting career. Or adventure. Or great, solid friendship. Or hobbies that will change your life.

Self-development is key here. You need to be bringing stuff to the table beyond your desperate need for a relationship to make you happy. You need to be happy already. And then someone coming along might be the icing on the cake, as opposed to the entire bowl-full of ingredients that goes into making it.

(Or you could just eat cake. Mmmm cake... )

czechlin

Well said beks101, very well said!