Is shouting acceptable??

marie12

I am with my boyfriend over a year now, living with him most of that time. When I met him I thought I had met the perfect guy for me and he was and still is in most ways. But any time we have a disagreement, which is not that often, he gets really mad, so angry and the worst thing is the shouting. I have said it to him but he said that's the way he is, accept it. It really upsets me and I find it takes me much longer than him to get over the disagreement. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or is this the norm?

Chazz Michael Michaels

Not normal or acceptable.

Tasden

Honestly, you decide what's acceptable in your relationship.
Some people won't tolerate it, others will see it as a way of letting off steam. Its how comfortable or not you feel that matters. But if he knows its an issue for you he should listen to your concerns and discuss it properly with you instead of saying for you to deal with it.
Also it depends how heated the arguments are, like if he's shouting anytime you leave the milk out that's a bit ridiculous but if he's shouting in a highly charged argument out of frustration or whatever, while not the best way of dealing with issues, its more understandable why he does it. Doesn't necessarily make it right though.

marie12

Thank you for your advice. Well sometimes things I wouldn't even get bothered about make him go mad. He has said its the way Im perceiving it but I know its definitely shouting and overreacting. I know I dont like it or want it but I always tell myself he might relax or calm down in the future, that hasnt changed. Im starting to think he may not be the one which is hard too.

Tasden

marie12 wrote: »

Thank you for your advice. Well sometimes things I wouldn't even get bothered about make him go mad. He has said its the way Im perceiving it but I know its definitely shouting and overreacting. I know I dont like it or want it but I always tell myself he might relax or calm down in the future, that hasnt changed. Im starting to think he may not be the one which is hard too.

Well he's not "the one" if you're hoping for him to change, because people generally don't especially if he already said its how he is and you should accept it. If he was willing to try and control it and discuss it then maybe but he's telling you he doesn't want to really so expecting him to change is a lost cause tbh.

Lux23

I prefer shouting to sulking to be honest.

Chazz Michael Michaels

Lux23 wrote: »

I prefer shouting to sulking to be honest.

Oddly, some people crave abuse.

jack7

he may have come from a family that shouted alot to express themselves and he does not see any problem with it. If you do not like this type of atmosphere, get out now. What will he be like in the future if he gets under pressure with children etc , you will give your life walking on eggshells

Jellyhead

Shouting is horrible and aggressive, and it upsets you! No one should have to shout to get their point across..Personally I couldn't live with a shouter..You do have to think ahead,would you like your kids shouted at? Having said that he could change that behavior if he really wanted to.

freshpopcorn

Some people are brought up in an environment that if your upset you sit down and have a chat and disuses things.
Some people just shout thing out and they express there feelings.
Both these situations can work but if your not happy with it and its not going to change the relationship might not work out.

Tramps Like Us

I think shouting is acceptable but not if it upsets you so much and not if it is a frequent thing- some people express anger in different ways, I always prefer a bit of a shouting match where both parties let off steam and its over with rather than a weeks worth of sulking and passive aggressiveness.

Victoria Fortescue

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

Not normal or acceptable.

Agreed. If you're shouting you're not willing to sit down and talk either sides of the problem out, you're shouting over someone to win, regardless of what they have to say. It is one sided and not open for discussion.

Chazz Michael Michaels

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

Agreed. If you're shouting you're not willing to sit down and talk either sides of the problem out, you're shouting over someone to win, regardless of what they have to say. It is one sided and not open for discussion.

Guys often forget that we are bigger and stronger than women, thus, something like shouting can be very intimidating for a woman.

This, for me, is why it is not acceptable.

Lux23

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

Oddly, some people crave abuse.

I don't know, I come from a family that have massive rows and them it all blows over. Now, my boyfriend isn't really a shouter, but occasionally he has sulked and it is awful! It's just as abusive in my eyes, well worse in fact.

Typer Monkey

Lux23 wrote: »

I prefer shouting to sulking to be honest.

These are not the only two options for conflict resolution you know

LegacyUser

Is he shouting or raising his voice a lot to emphasise some point - as in, is it aggressive violent shouting?

Sometimes, when exasperated in an argument or at the end of my tether, I will raise my voice so it is much louder - usually in an effort to stop the possibly non-sensical argument or to make my point heard.

Could that be it?

We grew up in a house where my brothers and I would get into loud arguments at times. I'm sure to others it seemed 'violent' but I would never have thought it to be.

If it's aggressive and violent and menacing, then that would be unacceptable.

Chazz Michael Michaels

Lux23 wrote: »

I don't know, I come from a family that have massive rows and them it all blows over. Now, my boyfriend isn't really a shouter, but occasionally he has sulked and it is awful! It's just as abusive in my eyes, well worse in fact.

Very odd...

The Corinthian

A big shouting match is fine, in that it allows people to blow off steam, so long as it ends with some form of resolution (even if it is only blowing off steam) and that however loud it does no escalate beyond that.

The other thing is that if you're not used to this form of dispute resolution, if you didn't grow up with it, it's probably quite a stressful experience.

At the same time not shouting for someone who did grow up with it is almost certainly going to be quite stressful too, as they'll never get to blow off that aforementioned steam.

So is it acceptable; it can be, but not if it's something you're not accustomed to. If so, you need to talk to your partner and make them understand this, but seek a compromise because just as they should not stress you out by shouting, neither should you frustrate and stress them out by forcing them to keep it all bottled up.

fungun

There are many types of shouting, and what people perceive as shouting. I had an Italian gf and thought she shouted all the time, but she didnt think she did!!

Key point is that if you feel intimidated by it, then he should be stopping

clairefontaine

I've been on the receiving end of both shouting and SHOUTING. There is a difference.

It will depend on what you are used to. Some families are cold war families, some families let it fly, some are real shouters, and then there is a whole other level of shouting that can leave you like a pile of shredded leaves, just near destroyed.

The cold war can be even worse. Destroyed by liquid nitrogen and the silent treatment.

Some will think the other is shouting and fighting, will the other things yeah, we are finally talking!

It really depends on what you can handle, and find some kind of middle ground with him where you can both air your grievances.

honestly, i dont think shouting at anyone is acceptable.

would you do it with someone you work with?

i just believe it it disrespectful.
i wouldnt shout at anyone i believe there is better ways to sort out conflict, therefore i wouldnt like anyone that shouts at me.

but, if i met someone who thought that shouting was normal, i would try to show them the other way of dealing with things.
if they insisted on shouting then id leave.


i was not shouted at by parents, i was not shouted at by teachers and i would not stand for being shouted at by bosses.
i wouldnt be shouted at, simple.

but it worth trying to show people the other way of dealing with things

Chucky the tree

marie12 wrote: »

Thank you for your advice. Well sometimes things I wouldn't even get bothered about make him go mad. He has said its the way Im perceiving it but I know its definitely shouting and overreacting. I know I dont like it or want it but I always tell myself he might relax or calm down in the future, that hasnt changed. Im starting to think he may not be the one which is hard too.

I think this definitely wrong, and surprised you'd think that. At the start of a relationship people will be on their best behaviour due not wanting to put off their partner/scare them off. As you two get more comfortable with each other I'd be surprised if he didn't get even worse then he currently is.

marie12

marie12 wrote: »

I am with my boyfriend over a year now, living with him most of that time. When I met him I thought I had met the perfect guy for me and he was and still is in most ways. But any time we have a disagreement, which is not that often, he gets really mad, so angry and the worst thing is the shouting. I have said it to him but he said that's the way he is, accept it. It really upsets me and I find it takes me much longer than him to get over the disagreement. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or is this the norm?

If it really upsets you, it's not acceptable.

If he says it's just the way he is and that's that, knowing it upsets you, it's for you to decide if you can live with that, since he obviously has no problem shouting at you knowing how it affects you.

You're not oversensitive, you're entitled to decide what you personally won't put up with.

Lux23

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

Very odd...

It isn't to me, but that's the point we all have different experiences as children and what's normal to some is dysfunctional to others.

Lux23

fungun wrote: »

There are many types of shouting, and what people perceive as shouting. I had an Italian gf and thought she shouted all the time, but she didnt think she did!!

Key point is that if you feel intimidated by it, then he should be stopping

I'm from an Italian family and I think that's how we sort things out in general. My mother is from Cavan and is a sulker, awful altogether.

galwaytown

I had a partner for the bet part of10yrs and talk about being a Bxxxh when feathers were ruffled,even if looked at sideways would always growl,quite aggressive to say the least.Mentally,its exhausting to be around someone like this and not at all healthy,glad to be rid if I were to be honest

Ah_Yeah

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I think this definitely wrong, and surprised you'd think that. At the start of a relationship people will be on their best behaviour due not wanting to put off their partner/scare them off. As you two get more comfortable with each other I'd be surprised if he didn't get even worse then he currently is.

I can't say I agree with this. I grew up in a chaotic household where the only way you could be heard was to shout - shouting was my only way of being heard in a sea of distractions. I am with my bf nearly a year, and he is a very calm and relaxed person. The longer I am with him, the more I realise he hears me, and wants me to be heard - I don't feel the need to shout to get my point across. Now of course I have the odd relapse but he is a very patient person and doesn't take it to heart - he knows I love him and I catch myself quicker every time. Our relationship is stronger as a result.

What you can learn from the above OP is that your bf CAN change - but only if he wants to. Also, if it upsets you or stresses you out (which it can and is OK to feel that way) then you don't have to stick around. It requires patience and a thick skin or at least tolerance to it in order for you to be able to deal with it. If you don't have this, you are perfectly within your rights to walk away - it is not OK for someone to make you feel uncomfortable. I would not dispute it if my bf said he couldn't take it anymore, but I'm glad for his patience!

Renegade Mechanic

If a person can't control something as simple as the volume of their voice when things get tricky then I would be wary, op.

ElleEm

Ah_Yeah wrote: »

I can't say I agree with this. I grew up in a chaotic household where the only way you could be heard was to shout - shouting was my only way of being heard in a sea of distractions. I am with my bf nearly a year, and he is a very calm and relaxed person. The longer I am with him, the more I realise he hears me, and wants me to be heard - I don't feel the need to shout to get my point across. Now of course I have the odd relapse but he is a very patient person and doesn't take it to heart - he knows I love him and I catch myself quicker every time. Our relationship is stronger as a result.

What you can learn from the above OP is that your bf CAN change - but only if he wants to. Also, if it upsets you or stresses you out (which it can and is OK to feel that way) then you don't have to stick around. It requires patience and a thick skin or at least tolerance to it in order for you to be able to deal with it. If you don't have this, you are perfectly within your rights to walk away - it is not OK for someone to make you feel uncomfortable. I would not dispute it if my bf said he couldn't take it anymore, but I'm glad for his patience!

I was in the near opposite of this. I am the calm, wordy one, whereas my boyfriend always felt (because of how he was raised) that you have to be loud to be heard. It sounds weird, but you are right about relapsing, it is like a recovery. It is hard to change something so fundamental, but it can be done if the person wants to change.

OP, you need to speak to your boyfriend about this. Pick a calm time when you aren't arguing, and just tell him how bad you feel when he shouts. Say exactly how you feel, not in a moany/ giving out way, but more in a "it scares me", "it makes me jump" sort of way. I really think one of the huge hurdles in a relationship is learning how to have disagreements with each other. Speak to your boyfriend about his behaviour during arguments, ask him how you can BOTH manage these issues together, asking is there anything you can do too. You can find little things that work for your relationship, whether it means someone taking a few mins in another room or communicating through text/ email til you both calm down. You need to both work together to find what works for you.

alias06

Personally I wouldn't tolerate shouting in a relationship. If you think shouting is scary for you, imagine what it would be like for your kids if you had them.

meeeeh

I'm from a temperamental family. Our arguments could be fairly loud and so are some arguments with my partner. However I was never in an argument that would drag into next day. I couldn't be with someone who sulks for longer and I find the silent treatment pure torture. Sitting down and discussing it is fine but that usually means you have some serious problems. Smaller stuff can be easily resolved with couple of quick louder sentences.

I strongly disagree that all shouting is unacceptable but some shouting definitely is. Even calm discussion can be abuse if one person overpowers and dominates another. As most said you will have to decide for youself if his behaviour is acceptable to you. If he makes you feel uncomfortable and afraid then my answer would be no. I would think that it is very hard to change how we react to different situations so I wouldn't be overly hopeful your bf will change his behaviour.

robindch

marie12 wrote: »

But any time we have a disagreement, which is not that often, he gets really mad, so angry and the worst thing is the shouting.

Depends on whether or not you're doing something that's inducing the shouting and, regardless of the rights and the wrong of yelling per-se, there are things that can (mostly) legitimately induce it. Forgive me for saying it, but you might want to consider that possibility before pointing the finger, exclusively it seems to me, at your partner.

In any case, I can't speak for anybody else, but certainly I wouldn't hang around in a "relationship" in which shouting was, at most, anything more than once every couple of years -- I don't believe there's any cause for it at all, ever, amongst adults who both trust each other and who have each other's interests at heart.

marie12

thank you everyone i really do appreciate you all taking your time and giving good advice. i got to talk to my bf about his loud voice and he came back much later and said something about his tone. he said he gets frustrated and feels he needs to get his point across but he said he would watch it. even today we had a little snap and he didn't get as loud as usual so i can see he is trying which is very nice. everything else is so good i just have not been close to such a loud person before!

December2012

Well then maybe it's a case of the both of you having to find your own groove.

A certain amount of shouting to me is okay in context, (during a row and needing to be heard / noticed). As is a certain amount of not talking (let's people cool off) as is a certain amount of talking it out (but not too much - you can over analyse something too much).

Sometimes we get complacent with the people we spend our lives with. Lots of people need reminders to use a better tone of voice sometimes.

LegacyUser

marie12 wrote: »

I am with my boyfriend over a year now, living with him most of that time. When I met him I thought I had met the perfect guy for me and he was and still is in most ways. But any time we have a disagreement, which is not that often, he gets really mad, so angry and the worst thing is the shouting. I have said it to him but he said that's the way he is, accept it. It really upsets me and I find it takes me much longer than him to get over the disagreement. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive or is this the norm?

OP I grew up in a house where people got angry and shouted instead of talking about things. I hated it. I found that because they were quick to lose the temper and neither side would back down, things escalated and got blown out of proportion a lot quicker than if they just walked away for a few minutes until they calmed down and then talked it through.

For some people shouting works. They get worked up and it all blows over. It doesn't work for me and you don't like it either. If you don't have a confrontational personality, dealing with someone who does can be very draining. Like you, I find that after a disagreement with an angry, shouty person, they are over it but I'm left reeling for awhile and they don't understand why and think I'm being oversensitive. Just because you don't want to shout, doesn't mean you will resort to sulking or passive aggressive behaviour. We know that life isn't like an American soap where you talk about your feelings until everyone is happy. Most of the time talking it through means agreeing to disagree.

I hope you and your boyfriend come to some compromise on how you argue. It's a complete personality clash and not compatible with a healthy relationship. If not, do you really want to be with someone who is going to get mad and shouty every time you disagree?