Fiancée beaten up by her ex

LegacyUser

Hi,

My wife to be told me a while back that she was beaten up by an ex (actually I found out by mistake). I have no more details the that really. I was taking to a life long friend of hers which is male who knows about this and he has a strong distaste towards the ex. He never liked him and feels aggressive towards him. I don't know the ex, I know his name and that he's now married with kids but that's really it.

I've tried my best to contain myself thus far and have kept quiet about it, not mentioning it to her since talking but honestly it's been boiling under the skin. If I ran into this guy on a night out I don't know how I'd react, I really don't. I'm scared I could do some real harm to him and end up in trouble with the law.

I love my misses so much, she wouldn't hurt a fly, I can't imagine what kind of scum and evil this guy is. Her male friend knows more about this guy, I could find out more if I really wanted to and to be honest I think I will when we're next out and I have a few mins with him. I really don't know how to deal with this. I want to rise about this guy but my gut is urging me to punch and kick the living **** out of him. I know for a fact my fiancée will tell me to back down and will be angry/disappointed in me if i do get physical with him.. 

Neyite

I'm going to permit this thread on the proviso that you are looking for ways to NOT succumb to beating up a person, and that posters can help you deal with this in a constructive, non-violent manner.

Replies which advocate violence will be moderated and bans/infractions will be handed out if need be.

meeeeh

I feel sorry for your wife. First she was with someone who was beating her and then she lands with someone who thinks she is incapable resolving her own problems. You intentions are childish and stupid. I think you should respect your wife's wishes and be a bit less selfish. Because you wouldn't be getting into a fight for anyone else but yourself.

dilallio

Conflicted_ wrote: »

Hi,

I really don't know how to deal with this. I want to rise about this guy but my gut is urging me to punch and kick the living **** out of him. I know for a fact my fiancée will tell me to back down and will be angry/disappointed in me if i do get physical with him..

Your fiancee has already left one guy who couldn't control his temper.
For her sake, do not let her see you lose yours.

She has very good reasons for not discussing this part of her life and you should respect this and leave it be.

Sometimes it takes a braver man to walk away.

Victoria Fortescue

Two wrongs do not make a right op.

cloudatlas

What makes you think that if you confronted this guy you wouldn't end up being injured or with a criminal record? Do you think your fiancee wants that? If she hasn't told you about it it means she's trying to move on and you should allow her to do that.

LegacyUser

Conflicted_ wrote: »

Hi,

My wife to be told me a while back that she was beaten up by an ex (actually I found out by mistake). I have no more details the that really. I was taking to a life long friend of hers which is male who knows about this and he has a strong distaste towards the ex. He never liked him and feels aggressive towards him. I don't know the ex, I know his name and that he's now married with kids but that's really it.

I've tried my best to contain myself thus far and have kept quiet about it, not mentioning it to her since talking but honestly it's been boiling under the skin. If I ran into this guy on a night out I don't know how I'd react, I really don't. I'm scared I could do some real harm to him and end up in trouble with the law.

I love my misses so much, she wouldn't hurt a fly, I can't imagine what kind of scum and evil this guy is. Her male friend knows more about this guy, I could find out more if I really wanted to and to be honest I think I will when we're next out and I have a few mins with him. I really don't know how to deal with this. I want to rise about this guy but my gut is urging me to punch and kick the living **** out of him. I know for a fact my fiancée will tell me to back down and will be angry/disappointed in me if i do get physical with him.. 

To be frank, it's none of your business. It's between your fiance and him and took place some time ago. It's her choice to ask you to leave it. If you can't respect that, then you may have serious control issues.

CaraMay

It's none of your business. She has moved on so don't drag him back into her life now.

Katgurl

I think you are all being quite hard on the OP - his reaction is quite normal IMO.

OP, let me give you some perspective which might help from a person who was also beaten up by her ex. The worst part is the loss of dignity. As a woman, you are at least 80% of the time at a physical disadvantage with a male (ie they are usually stronger). So there is a trust & understanding there that they will not abuse that postition.

After news of my abusive ex trickle out, numerous men wanted to react as you do. However that will do nothing but further the feeling of loss of dignity.

It's understandable that you're angry and want to protect her. But she has moved on and I'm sure loves you for all the reasons you're not like him. Don't behave like him and bring it all back for her.

Penny Tration

I can understand your reaction, OP, but you need to let it go.

A woman being attacked by a man (and vice versa) leaves more than just physical damage. It's something she is dealing with, or has dealt with, in her own way.

You said yourself that she wouldn't want you to do what is running through your mind, so respect her enough to adhere to her wishes in a situation that quite frankly has nothing to do with you.

She had the power and strength to get away from this man and deal with what happened to her, by herself. Don't take that success away from her. Dealing with it herself would have helped her regain or retain her dignity. By storming in and dragging it back up, you're going to put her right back to where she was, with yet another man overriding what she wants and doing something she doesn't want.

For her sake, leave it. Your anger is completely understandable, but acting onit would only benefit you, possibly to her detriment.

IrishEyes19

You need to cop on. First of all its none of your business. If she chose not to reveal this, its for a reason. How on earth do you think it is reasonable that her new partner would go out and physically hurt someone. you need to grow up. she has obviously moved on with her life. you have no right to drag it back up. I am not excusing that mans actions, they are disgusting, but quit the macho hero act and leave it be. I dont mean any disrespect to you, but I feel your desire to throw him a few digs is higher than your desire for your wifes well being in regards to this. This man is out of her life, you attack him or confront him, you could be looking at a court cases, jail time and inflict painful memories on the woman you love. Be sensible for god sake and be grateful you have a wonderful relationship

Zen 2nd

Violence never solved anything. It may make you feel better but it certainly won't help your wife in any way as it will only bring up the past for her again which she obviously wants to keep buried.

lollsangel

Honest answer?

my ex husband put me through hell, my current partner knows some but not all of what went on. Hes my past, frankly I dont want him having even memory room. OP leave hrt past in the past, therez a reason she hasnt told you and lets be honest scum like that arent worth the jail time

LegacyUser

Ok I appreciate the feedback. I do understand what everyone is saying but you have to understand I have an automatic reaction to protect her. If I do anything it'll do a lot more harm then good realistically. I didnt see it from my fiancee's point of view. As hard as it is I'll just need to keep a lid on it. I don't want to cause extra stress to my fiancée and that's the priority. Thanks for feedback, good to see other points of view especially people that have been through similar 

Just let it go. If you show you have anger issues around her, then do you think she is likely to stay with you?

December2012

I think you'll be better off talking to your fiancée and asking her what she would like you to do - behave in away focused on her? Or behave in a way focused on the ex?

The answer, most likely, will be to leave it alone and to not associate or contact the scumbag ex again.

Then that's what you do.

No need for vengeance when she has already sorted it, it's not your problem to fix.

Neyite

Katgurl wrote: »

she has moved on and I'm sure loves you for all the reasons you're not like him. Don't behave like him and bring it all back for her.

OP if you need a kind of mantra to help you step back from the anger when you think about him, Katgurl's sentence above is an excellent one.

Repeat it to yourself when you get angry.

username123

Conflicted_ wrote: »

Ok I appreciate the feedback. I do understand what everyone is saying but you have to understand I have an automatic reaction to protect her. 

You wouldn't be protecting her though, you would be meting out vigilante justice to assuage your own feelings of anger. You don't serve justice with your fists, you serve it to your missus by being a lovely respectful partner, nothing like that scumbag.

I totally understand where you are coming from btw, and I think you have a good heart, just control your emotions on it and be supportive without being violent.

P. Breathnach

Don't feel bad about feeling very angry.

For her sake, and for yours, don't let the anger govern your behaviour.

Stavro Mueller

It sounds like you and your fiancée have a wonderful loving relationship. You are running the risk of having this new knowledge poison it. If you take action against this guy, it will (a) have a profound effect on your relationship and how your fiancée sees you and (b) you will be turning this man into a third wheel in your relationship.

If you think about it, after your initial thrill of meting out justice to this guy, just about everything could go pear-shaped on you. You are going to come out second best and that's a certainty. You could find yourself badly injured, with a criminal record, a fiancée who's wondering has she hooked up with another primeval ape... and all for what? If you find yourself feeling obsessed about this, do you have any friends you can talk to? Not ones who will pick up a baseball bat and go along to his house but someone sensible who you can vent to. You know in your heart and soul that doing anything to this man is wrong but you do need to get this anger out of your system before you do something you regret.

LegacyUser

Don't be a hotheaded idiot. It's not your issue to 'sort'. That is patronising and not remotely helpful to your partner.

If you treat this guy to violence, I'd say you'll more than likely be dumped - surely you can see that the absolutely last thing that your partner needs is another violent guy in her life.

Stop being so selfish - you are focusing on how you want to react, and not thinking about what she wants. And learn to control your temper - just as her ex should have too. You're treading on dangerous ground OP.

Tramps Like Us

I think some are being very harsh on the OP, his is a very natural reaction - he found out that someone he loves has been abused and he is angry at the person who did it. Wanting to beat the crap out of that person does not mean that he has "anger issues". I don't think he is being selfish. But OP it's just not worth it and if something happens it will just drag everything back up for her, she has tried to move on - with you. You'll make it worse if you do anything.

If it happened yesterday it would be different but it didnt so really it is best to leave it. I mean why would you be seeing this person anyway? You haven't yet. You are not going to be hanging out with him and if you do see him out just leave - but really is this likely? Try and focus on the here and now and the wonderful future that is in store for you and your future wife. Let the past stay where it is - if you blow up about this she may be reluctant to tell you things in the future

spank_inferno

Christ, people are being so sanctimonious.

The OPs feelings are perfectly normal and to be honest, appropriate for 99.9% of men.

Men nurture, care & protect..... Its instinctive.

Personally I would feel no different in that scenario, though cooler heads would prevail as I am not an aggressive person.

The fact that the OP sought advice says to his character & thought process.
If he were a thug he would not have posted here in the first place.

People (women) seem to understand little of the protective urges men feel.

Cut the guy some slack.

LegacyUser

op, something similar happened me. I once told a guy with whom I was in a relationship about my first sexual encounter, which, unfortunately, was not consensual. I told him only because he asked. it's something that happened me a long time ago and I've dealt with it, made my peace with it. when I told him, he reacted with rage and anger towards the perpetrator, but he was showing this to me, pacing around the room, fists clenched, teeth clenched, voice raised - "I can't believe a ba5tard did that to you... how dare he...the f***ker" etc. he came out with all sorts of threats of what he'd do if he knew who the guy was etc etc etc.

I remember sitting there wondering where I was in all of this. there was not one word of comfort, sympathy or compassion, it was all about his anger, his frustration, his rage. I felt like saying "I'm the one who was raped, not you!".

tbh, it changed my opinion of him. he took what was a life-changing traumatic event for me and turned it into something about him. I ended the relationship a few months later, and that was certainly a catalyst.

don't be that guy.

Victoria Fortescue

spank_inferno wrote: »

Christ, people are being so sanctimonious.

The OPs feelings are perfectly normal and to be honest, appropriate for 99.9% of men.

Men nurture, care & protect..... Its instinctive.

Personally I would feel no different in that scenario, though cooler heads would prevail as I am not an aggressive person.

The fact that the OP sought advice says to his character & thought process.
If he were a thug he would not have posted here in the first place.

People (women) seem to understand little of the protective urges men feel.

Cut the guy some slack.

Women understand fine. But but how can a guy protect a woman from the past? Tarzan shít tbh.

Stavro Mueller

Conflicted_ wrote: »

Ok I appreciate the feedback. I do understand what everyone is saying but you have to understand I have an automatic reaction to protect her. If I do anything it'll do a lot more harm then good realistically. I didn't see it from my fiancée's point of view. As hard as it is I'll just need to keep a lid on it. I don't want to cause extra stress to my fiancée and that's the priority. Thanks for feedback, good to see other points of view especially people that have been through similar 

Yes, I very much understand why you'd want to protect her. And why you'd want to launch him into the middle of next week. Who wouldn't?

My advice to you is not to find out more about this guy. If you learn more about him and find out where he lives, you are making it easier for yourself to do something you'll regret. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

The clock on this issue doesn't stop ticking if you lay a finger on this guy. There is a very real chance that events will take on a life of their own and cause you far more torment than what you're feeling now. Your fiancée probably though she had put this issue behind her. The last thing she needs is for you to go dredging up old memories.

clairefontaine

Sir,

You know how they say, never start a fight but always end one?

Well this fight is over. Don't start another one.

theenergy

ìd suggest that maybe you talk to her bout it

have an honest open talk

if she is upset maybe suggest counselling (suggest!)

other than that the past is the past and you getting agressive bout it will resolve nothing

show her all the love and attention in the world that will keep her happy

ps - that lad ... forget bout him ... he has issues.