Meeting men..

Misty moo

I am 40 ( look 32 I have been told) and divorced and single, I was left devastated after my marriage ended, he has moved on and re-married. It's so hard meeting anyone, no one approaches me even though when I tell people I'm single they are surprised. Im shy but chatty when I get to know someone... I've tried doing evening courses, pubs etc but no one approaches me, I am friendly and a genuine person,I just find myself sitting in every weekend as my friends are married and having babies.. Plenty of players out there, just wondering are all the nice, genuine guys all spoken for and what am I doing wrong...

Meauldsegosha

Twice in your post you say "no body approaches me". Why can't you approach men, do you expect them to do all the work? If you want to meet someone be proactive.

Misty moo

I know I should just too shy, fear of rejection I suppose. I would be mortified if a gut didn't want to know... That's life I suppose....

Cuddlesworth

Misty moo wrote: »

I know I should just too shy, fear of rejection I suppose. I would be mortified if a gut didn't want to know... That's life I suppose....

It would be a refreshing change for guys your age who would have seen 2 decades of rejection. From seeing my male friends through the years, you're either a player who is completely unfazed or you stop trying.

annettea

How about a dating website? Its hard to meet people out in a pub etc and dating websites are a lot more popular!!

Meauldsegosha

Misty moo wrote: »

I know I should just too shy, fear of rejection I suppose. I would be mortified if a gut didn't want to know... That's life I suppose....

I used to be shy, still am in certain situations but the way I see it you have two choices. You can put yourself out there and approach men, get chatting to them. Yes you probably will face some rejection but nobody died from mortification. But you will also get the chance to chat to some great people. Your other option is to keep feeling sorry for yourself because you're too shy or afraid of rejection or embarrassment.

aston

How long are you divorced/single?
I too recommend dating websites, few good ones out there..!! as a single guy mid 30s I find pubs, clubs a disaster when it comes to meeting women..give it a go..what have you to lose..!!

Misty moo

Sorry cuddles worth didn't really get that.. Annette's I tried a dating site, night mare, met one guy who said he was over 6ft but he was the same height as me 5ft 9 and he was so shy he barely said two words, after about ten mins he asked if I wanted to go as how was so shy, another guy I met was much the same.. Don't think it's my scene...

Misty moo

Aston it's ten years, I had two relationships since, one had a drink, gambling, possessiveness problems and the other loved his drink... Maybe I should right a book, prob be a best seller... I find pubs are full of 20 year olds and I'm gone past the night club scene.. What dating sites would you recommend?

stargazer 68

Misty moo wrote: »

Aston it's ten years, I had two relationships since, one had a drink, gambling, possessiveness problems and the other loved his drink... Maybe I should right a book, prob be a best seller... I find pubs are full of 20 year olds and I'm gone past the night club scene.. What dating sites would you recommend?

Oh Op been in your shoes!! I tried online dating on and off - when I first started it was a real struggle. You really need a thick skin and your wits about you. But if you keep at it you will meet some really nice men - I did and had lots of lovely nights out. Met my partner on a dating site 2 years ago!

There are lots of free ones - smooch, plenty of fish etc and some paid sites. There is a huge debate as to whether the paid sites are better as 'serious' people pay but I have never found that to be honest.

There is an online dating forum on here so get on there and get some help with a profile and give it another go! Some of them organise meetups too for everyone to go along and chat.

People will suggest take up a hobby, go to new places etc but there was never a 'hobby' I wanted to take up. Get friends to introduce you - none of my friends had single friends my age.

sligoface

OP in my experience, when you are lonely like that and want so badly to meet someone, it feels like it will NEVER happen, right up to the very second that it does happen. And it will, sometimes when you least expect it or have given up looking, voila, the person arrives.

Emme

OP, if you really want to meet someone and you can afford it I would suggest a dating agency.

You say that you are 40 but look 32. In my experience looking young can initially be an advantage but further on it can be a disadvantage. Men can be delighted to meet someone they think is a lot younger but when they discover your real age their attitude may change. As men get older they get more fussy about a woman's age - the younger the better. Some of them would rather date a much younger unattractive woman rather than a very attractive woman their own age (who may look younger than the young unattractive woman). Even if these men don't want children they want the ego boost of dating a much younger women.

Men say they want to be approached but I'm not sure it helps. They enjoy being approached and they enjoy the attention but men over 40 get approached a lot so you need to do something else to stand out from the crowd and grab their attention. If you're shy that's not easy.

You may get approached by younger guys more than guys your own age. If you want a medium term relationship and you meet a nice guy who is a few years younger then go for it. However, younger guys may want children so tread carefully. Also single men in their 40s may want children so you might need to find a man who has completed his family or doesn't want children if you want a long-term relationship. Such a man may be 50 or over.

Sorry, I'm going off topic here. I wouldn't recommend internet dating as it takes a lot of time to weed out the wasters. If you want to make new friends and improve your social life join Meetup groups but don't join them for the sole purpose of finding a partner. I think Meetup would be good for your confidence and help you approach people more easily without an agenda.

Again if you're serious about finding a partner join a reputable dating agency. At 40 you're still young enough to be in demand with some of the men who may be on the dating agency's books. Once you get more into your 40s it will be increasingly difficult to find a partner so if being in a relationship is important to you the sooner you make a move the better.

Don't be fussy about height or other superficial qualities. Be willing to date "outside the box" as long as the guy is honest, kind, caring and normal. Believe me, "normal" is an important attribute when you're dating guys over 40. And vice versa for men dating women over 40.

Good luck

Gannicus

Misty moo wrote: »

... just wondering are all the nice, genuine guys all spoken for and what am I doing wrong...

No we're not all spoken for....

You have been knocked back by whats sounds like a bad divorce and that's understandable. I don't want to sound brash but what you're doing wrong, is that you're not putting yourself out there and approaching guys. You say all your friends are married and/or have kids so why not:

Take a class make some new friends or meet a guy that way.
Try something like searching for single's nights and maybe have a friend come along for back company.

Give Speed dating a go. I think speed dating my be the best idea for you as it will force you out of this comfort zone you've confined yourself to and make you talk to complete strangers and who knows you might get a date or two and get back in the game a bit.

Misty moo

Thanks all for your ideas and nice words, I have tried all suggested, dating site, classes, mostly women at these or attached guys.. I live in Athlone not known for it's over friendly people... Think I will just get a cat, put on a wedding dress and sit in a house for the next few years lol....

Addle

You sound very negative OP, self defeatist.
Maybe you should try to change your attitude rather than behaviour.
PMA.
I didn't realise Athlone residents had such a reputation!
It's a vibrant town.
You're lucky to be living there rather than in a small town with no social outlets other that a pub.

lmos

Misty moo...I think life is what you make it, ad I wouldn't be putting any limitations on yourself. You have every opportunity in the world to meet someone, you perhaps need to be a little more creative and open your mind to all the options out there. I live in a remote part of the world, and take care of my kids pretty much all of the time, but I would never give up hope of meeting someone, regardless of the fact, the odds are stacked against me. I believe I have a lot to offer, as Im sure you do. I think getting yourself out of your comfort zone, and believing in yourself (writing stuff down helps hugely)...and you never know what will happen. You will start to give off different vibe, that attracts people! best of luck

Misty moo

Addled I probably do come across as negative but I'm not making any of this up all this has actually happened..
Yeah Athlone is not friendly at all I hear it a lot from people who live in neighbouring smaller towns/villages. Not a lot in Athlone either, a lot of pubs also..

Addle

Misty moo wrote: »

Addled I probably do come across as negative but I'm not making any of this up all this has actually happened..
Yeah Athlone is not friendly at all I hear it a lot from people who live in neighbouring smaller towns/villages. Not a lot in Athlone either, a lot of pubs also..

What do you expect from a town?
What is Athlone missing that you think you need?

Emme

Misty moo wrote: »

Addled I probably do come across as negative but I'm not making any of this up all this has actually happened..
Yeah Athlone is not friendly at all I hear it a lot from people who live in neighbouring smaller towns/villages. Not a lot in Athlone either, a lot of pubs also..

The Celtic Tiger ripped the heart out of rural Ireland and the recession has killed it stone dead. Drink driving laws means that farmers and other people living out in the country don't go to pubs any more. The price of drink means that people are buying what they want in off licenses and drinking it at home. If you work full time it's very hard to get to know your neighbours. In the city a single woman of a certain age is accepted but not so in rural Ireland.

OP, I know exactly how you feel as I moved to rural Ireland over a year ago. I hate it but I'm not in a position to leave. I'm lucky because I'm not too far from Dublin and I socialize there. I tried to make friends locally but so far I have had little success. It is difficult to socialize in the country unless you have lived there all your life and never left.

Some people in the country are very suspicious of single women over 35 particularly if they take care of themselves and are attractive. Women are almost expected to give up on their dreams and let themselves go once they reach a certain age.

I don't know if there are any meet up groups in Athlone. I go to Meetup events in Dublin and people travel from as far as Sligo to events, that's how bleak rural Ireland is at the moment.

Could you leave Athlone and move somewhere like Kilkenny if not Dublin? If you're not in a position to leave Athlone and you want to meet someone you can continue to take your chances with internet dating or join a reputable dating agency.

Addle

Such a bleak post!

Athlone isn't rural. It is a thriving town with every social opportunity going from a crochet club to a wado-kai karate club.

If you approach everything and everyone with such a negative attitude, it's no wonder you're not meeting anyone.

I'd suggest just becoming more social and happier in general, rather than focusing on just meeting a partner.
You'll prob have better luck meeting someone through a new acquaintance than on your own.

Emme

Addle wrote: »

Such a bleak post!

Athlone isn't rural. It is a thriving town with every social opportunity going from a crochet club to a wado-kai karate club.

If you approach everything and everyone with such a negative attitude, it's no wonder you're not meeting anyone.

I'd suggest just becoming more social and happier in general, rather than focusing on just meeting a partner.
You'll prob have better luck meeting someone through a new acquaintance than on your own.

This is true and I can't comment about Athlone because I don't live there. Perhaps the OP lives a little outside Athlone which would be rural.

I still think that it's hard to socialize in rural Ireland as a single woman and the older you get the harder it is. Young people are leaving in droves. Most people who stay are married couples. Multiculturalism was great for Dublin and other cities but it doesn't seem to work so well outside major cities. None of the ethnic groups (including native Irish) seem to mix very well even though their children may go to school together.

Gannicus

Emme wrote: »

The Celtic Tiger ripped the heart out of rural Ireland and the recession has killed it stone dead. Drink driving laws means that farmers and other people living out in the country don't go to pubs any more. The price of drink means that people are buying what they want in off licenses and drinking it at home.

This is non-sense. People are not single because of drink driving laws and the price of drink.... If people, en masse, decide not to go the pub because one person a week won't be the designated driver then more fool on them and they are the type of person the O/P should avoid and has had failed relationships with.

Emme wrote: »

Some people in the country are very suspicious of single women over 35 particularly if they take care of themselves and are attractive. Women are almost expected to give up on their dreams and let themselves go once they reach a certain age.

What are you basing this on exactly?

Emme wrote: »

Could you leave Athlone and move somewhere like Kilkenny if not Dublin? If you're not in a position to leave Athlone and you want to meet someone you can continue to take your chances with internet dating or join a reputable dating agency.

This is wholely unnecessary. I know it's not ideal O/P but you have Ballinasloe and Tullamore about 20 mins away and Mullingar is about 35 -40 mins away. Have you tried looking for singles nights/speed dating in these areas. If you are still trying the online option broaden your search criteria to people in those areas.

Dickie10

navan, naas and Drogheda seem to be very good towns for different aged people and have a very ethnic mix socialising in them, granted I do seem to see that midland towns like athlone tullamore and portlaoise , Longford and cavan seem to be very closed shop and parochial in outlook not healthy environments. Could u move to navan ? it would be alittle less pricey than the other suburban towns such as naas. seems to be a lot of over 40s in navan, and cinemas restuarunts, gyms, arts theatres etc

otnomart

I second the prior advice: go to Meetups to meet new people and make friends. To meet men, give online dating a try. You are not alone!