Paranoid

helpme23

Hi in a relationship,with a really nic girl and I really like her and love her,but lately I have got so paranoid that it is beginning to mess things up with me and her she is really into me and I dont want to f..k it up im in love with this girl and her with me.But there is only so much she can take and me when I start to get like this .Please I need some good advice am loosing it big time.

P. Breathnach

Have you discussed this with her?

Ande1975

helpme23 wrote: »

Hi in a relationship,with a really nic girl and I really like her and love her,but lately I have got so paranoid that it is beginning to mess things up with me and her she is really into me and I dont want to f..k it up im in love with this girl and her with me.But there is only so much she can take and me when I start to get like this .Please I need some good advice am loosing it big time.

Op,

What are you paranoid about exactly?
The reality is your paranoia is causing you to behave in a way that will probably end up with the result you are paranoid about.
Its a self defeating prophesy. You may well be the cause of what you don't want happening to happen.
How old are you? Is this your first relationship?
One of the hardest lessons learned is that love does not conquer all and there are good times and very often bad times. Its how you respond to both determines the fate of your relationship.
I read somewhere that worrying is like praying for what you don't want to happen. Its a waste of needless energy.

I assume when you say paranoid that you mean jealousy. There is nothing more tiring or draining to deal with. It's also not that easy to get a handle on, and often the chronically, habitually, jealous person carries it throughout their life. It can't be a pleasant way to live.

If I read this right and this is the case, consider getting to the bottom of what causes your jealousy with some counselling. If you can't reassure yourself out of hand then you need to find the root and get it out of your life, before your happiness long term is compromised.

Don't make it her problem, it's yours alone.

helpme23

Hi to fill ya's in am 30 and she is 24 a bit of an age difference but that does'nt stop us getting on.The thing is we do get on really well and want this to work.I get jealous / paranoid from other guys texting her and facebooking.She made a mistake when first started seeing eachother,with a guy.But she begged me to give her another chance but this has never left my mind fully I do trust her but I get paranoid that this could happen again.Now she has told me on more than once that she is mad about me and only wants me and loves me and this I can see because she includes me in everything that she does and we spend everyday together and talk all time through text or phone.But the paranoid monster is in me and it is my problem I am in need of some help talk to somebody i know that.What should I do to make things less moody at the minute.????

helpme23

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Have you discussed this with her?

Yes but it brings up stupid arguments bad vibe

helpme23

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Have you discussed this with her?

Ande1975 wrote: »

Op,

What are you paranoid about exactly?
The reality is your paranoia is causing you to behave in a way that will probably end up with the result you are paranoid about.
Its a self defeating prophesy. You may well be the cause of what you don't want happening to happen.
How old are you? Is this your first relationship?
One of the hardest lessons learned is that love does not conquer all and there are good times and very often bad times. Its how you respond to both determines the fate of your relationship.
I read somewhere that worrying is like praying for what you don't want to happen. Its a waste of needless energy.

Paranoid about me flying of the handle and saying she is texting other guys when she is not.The thing is other guys do be texting her but she never does anything like respond so i am told.That makes me paranoid.

helpme23

What should I do about this it is taking the wind out of me.It makes me feel like she is untrustworthy.Is this been paranoid???????

MugMugs

helpme23 wrote: »

What should I do about this it is taking the wind out of me.It makes me feel like she is untrustworthy.Is this been paranoid???????

Frankly it sounds toxic and that you're unable to trust her. If I couldn't Trust a partner I'd walk straight away.

Even your post above makes out that you can't..... "so she says"

Do yourself and herself a favour and walk away now. Jealousy and doubt is a rot that will spread and consume you.

Can I ask you why she doesn't text guys? Does she not have any guy friends? Surely it doesn't upset you if she texts a male friend?

I think it's probably a personality trait with you, not helped by whatever her 'mistake' was. Maybe if you could elaborate on that it would help illuminate the situation. Either way, you'll ruin your relationship if you don't handle this. It's not a question of getting less moody for now, it's a question of altering your behaviour and thoughts and none of us can do that for you, only you can with the help of someone trained in these matters.

Try to bear in mind how destructive jealousy is. You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you behave.

helpme23

Am I wrong for thinking like this , she was with me and was texting somebody else and they made out??and then I found out this was early on she was texting me and this other guy.

helpme23

Candie wrote: »

Can I ask you why she doesn't text guys? Does she not have any guy friends? Surely it doesn't upset you if she texts a male friend?

I think it's probably a personality trait with you, not helped by whatever her 'mistake' was. Maybe if you could elaborate on that it would help illuminate the situation. Either way, you'll ruin your relationship if you don't handle this. It's not a question of getting less moody for now, it's a question of altering your behaviour and thoughts and none of us can do that for you, only you can with the help of someone trained in these matters.

Try to bear in mind how destructive jealousy is. You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you behave.

Thanks for you advice and I know I sound like I dont trust her but I do and It is wrecking my head the way I am thinking at times.I should seek help with who exactly???

How early on? Had you both decided to be exclusive at this point?

If not, you have no reason to be paranoid. If you're using it as a stick to beat her with, you are very wrong. It was neither her 'mistake' not does she need forgiveness, unless you had both decided your relationship was exclusive.

Tell your GP you're having trouble with jealousy and paranoid thoughts, and ask to be referred to a counsellor. Your GP will help you decide what kind of counselling is for you. It's sometimes available on the health service, and can often be had at a reduced cost privately. It is a very important investment in your future, if this behaviour is threatening your happiness.

helpme23

We had been seeing eachother for about 6 or 7 weeks full on so I guess we were.

helpme23

helpme23 wrote: »

We had been seeing eachother for about 6 or 7 weeks full on so I guess we were.

Okay, well I can see how that is upsetting. Were you both on the same page about how things were between you?

She has to gain your trust again, but she has to trust that you won't keep punishing her too, or it won't be worth the effort required to make things work. Only you can decide if you can let this go long term.

I really think you need to keep your temper and have a long conversation with her about how you feel. Try to avoid blaming and try to avoid language that will make her defensive or things will only spiral out of control. The only thing you can do short term is discuss it calmly and without drama, and the only thing you can do long term is get to grips with what seems to be a tendency to a jealous nature.

It could be that things never change and the relationship is not meant to be. If that's the case, just learn from it. Everyone has their limits and if you're pushed over yours it can be hard to salvage things.

helpme23

Candie wrote: »

Okay, well I can see how that is upsetting. Were you both on the same page about how things were between you?

She has to gain your trust again, but she has to trust that you won't keep punishing her too, or it won't be worth the effort required to make things work. Only you can decide if you can let this go long term.

I really think you need to keep your temper and have a long conversation with her about how you feel. Try to avoid blaming and try to avoid language that will make her defensive or things will only spiral out of control. The only thing you can do short term is discuss it calmly and without drama, and the only thing you can do long term is get to grips with what seems to be a tendency to a jealous nature.

It could be that things never change and the relationship is not meant to be. If that's the case, just learn from it. Everyone has their limits and if you're pushed over yours it can be hard to salvage things.

Yea she was mad about me but I knew she was into this messing texting other guys cos its not friends that text her all the time its lads that are asking her out so to speak.I have a jealous or paranoid nature more paranoid I would say I have trust issues before I meet her and thats going back along time.I should seek help for myself ??? I dont like been like this .

helpme23

helpme23 wrote: »

Yea she was mad about me but I knew she was into this messing texting other guys cos its not friends that text her all the time its lads that are asking her out so to speak.I have a jealous or paranoid nature more paranoid I would say I have trust issues before I meet her and thats going back along time.I should seek help for myself ??? I dont like been like this .

If you do, do it for yourself. Recognise your own issues, but don't let them be used to scapegoat other peoples behaviour.

If she's messing with other guys, I don't see how you can be comfortable in your relationship unless you're really convinced it's over. Permanently.

I don't think six years is much of an age difference overall, but if she's an immature 24 year old and enjoys the attention, it might be that drama is part of what she brings to the party.

I know you're mad about her, but ask yourself honestly if that might be the case, and if you can live with things like that.

helpme23

Candie wrote: »

If you do, do it for yourself. Recognise your own issues, but don't let them be used to scapegoat other peoples behaviour.

If she's messing with other guys, I don't see how you can be comfortable in your relationship unless you're really convinced it's over. Permanently.

I don't think six years is much of an age difference overall, but if she's an immature 24 year old and enjoys the attention, it might be that drama is part of what she brings to the party.

I know you're mad about her, but ask yourself honestly if that might be the case, and if you can live with things like that.

Yea I see what you are saying I dont know exactly what she does be thinking I dont think she is a drama type she is very down to earth and she goes out of her way for me none stop which confuses me to know end she said I am like one of her family now so it is me that is not believing her and is me who needs to get some help.For myself and to feel better and have a healthy realationship.

May I ask if she tells you she's being texted by guys asking her out, or if not, how you know this to be the case?

helpme23

The only thing that annoys me before we hooked up she was at the texting different guys at the same time and was knowing for it and people knew that she liked to mess about at the sort of craic.Is that attention ???She is a very shy girl.But very good looking and thats why she would get a lot of attention.

helpme23

Candie wrote: »

May I ask if she tells you she's being texted by guys asking her out, or if not, how you know this to be the case?

She tells me.

Chazz Michael Michaels

How is your alcohol/drug consumption?

Overuse of either won't help with paranoia.

helpme23

I think i am been really stupid.I have been told by some of her family members she really is mad about me Im the one who needs to cop on before I drive her away.

helpme23

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

How is your alcohol/drug consumption?

Overuse of either won't help with paranoia.

I dont drink unless im out and I sometimes use and did over the christmas which in hand i know is setting me off.I have been very down because of all this and I know Im the blame

helpme23

I should go see somebody who can help me with this ???

helpme23

helpme23 wrote: »

She tell me.

And then you get jealous and paranoid and you get into a big argument about guys wanting to go with her, and it ends up with her telling you she's mad about you, and you about her....and the drama is exhausting? Does it go anything like that?

If I was in a relationship with a jealous guy, whom I'd given reason to be jealous, I'd delete those messages, think nothing more of them, and not make a point of rubbing your nose in it.

Ask yourself honestly if she's creating some of this situation.

Ande1975

OP,

Clearly this is causing you a LOT of distress and anxiety. I am going to be very direct here and apologies in advance but get a grip!

You are 30 and this girl is 24. From what you describe - attention from guys and telling you about it - she sounds a little immature and telling you this stuff is just messing with your head AND having the reaction she may want.

The reality of life is... you cannot change someone, you can only change your response to them.

You are focusing on the attention she's getting from guys. I wonder how she would respond if you sought the attention from ladies?! I'm not suggesting you seek this out to punish her but please OP, realise your own worth and realise she is with you for a reason.
You need to let go of the insecurity and neediness - she's thriving on it from what I read.

Chazz Michael Michaels

helpme23 wrote: »

I dont drink unless im out and I sometimes use and did over the christmas which in hand i know is setting me off.I have been very down because of all this and I know Im the blame

Stop beating yourself up, I don't think you're entirely to blame. I'm 32 and my last two girlfriends were 24, I never felt easy with them myself because some women that age like the fact that they are getting attention and they lack the emotional maturity to handle a proper relationship, thus, in my own case, they both did/said things that were clearly designed to wind me up. I'll never go out with someone that young again. I'd advise you to move on and find someone more mature who will treat you with respect, not a psychologist.

helpme23

helpme23 wrote: »

I should go see somebody who can help me with this ???

Are you paranoid generally? If so get help, but for yourself. Not for her or for this relationship.

I'm all for people taking responsibility, but if this situation is partly of her making, then I'm definitely not for taking all responsiblity off her.

Don't carry the can on everything if she's one of those girls who likes to be the centre of a storm. It's more common than I think a lot of guys realise. There are girls who know your buttons and push them just to sit back and watch the drama unfold.

helpme23

Candie wrote: »

And then you get jealous and paranoid and you get into a big argument about guys wanting to go with her, and it ends up with her telling you she's mad about you, and you about her....and the drama is exhausting? Does it go anything like that?

If I was in a relationship with a jealous guy, whom I'd given reason to be jealous, I'd delete those messages, think nothing more of them, and not make a point of rubbing your nose in it.

Ask yourself honestly if she's creating some of this situation.

Yea she does deffo create some if not most of our fights it seems to be the ball is in her court does'nt it ,but I dont think she means it.

helpme23

Ande1975 wrote: »

OP,

Clearly this is causing you a LOT of distress and anxiety. I am going to be very direct here and apologies in advance but get a grip!

You are 30 and this girl is 24. From what you describe - attention from guys and telling you about it - she sounds a little immature and telling you this stuff is just messing with your head AND having the reaction she may want.

The reality of life is... you cannot change someone, you can only change your response to them.

You are focusing on the attention she's getting from guys. I wonder how she would respond if you sought the attention from ladies?! I'm not suggesting you seek this out to punish her but please OP, realise your own worth and realise she is with you for a reason.
You need to let go of the insecurity and neediness - she's thriving on it from what I read.

With me for a reason meaning ???

helpme23

Candie wrote: »

Are you paranoid generally? If so get help, but for yourself. Not for her or for this relationship.

I'm all for people taking responsibility, but if this situation is partly of her making, then I'm definitely not for taking all responsiblity off her.

Don't carry the can on everything if she's one of those girls who likes to be the centre of a storm. It's more common than I think a lot of guys realise. There are girls who know your buttons and push them just to sit back and watch the drama unfold.

I totally agree here but why would you bother to be like this to other people whats the point????Maybe I should walk away but i like her and see some real goodness from her and the realationship.

helpme23

Maybe I should take a step back and let it all unfold itself and let her do whatever she wants so to speak not be trying to put so much energy into this anymore and get myself in the right frame of mind with myself forget the stupid things that make us feel so bad about ourselves.Maybe let her go on and she mite learn from how not to treat people like this.I mean she does be showing me text from a guy who sent her a couple of seedy pictures to her as a joke but really whats that about at the end of the day ha let her jog on perhaps and get my own life back to normal.

Chazz Michael Michaels

helpme23 wrote: »

Maybe I should take a step back and let it all unfold itself and let her do whatever she wants so to speak not be trying to put so much energy into this anymore and get myself in the right frame of mind with myself forget the stupid things that make us feel so bad about ourselves.Maybe let her go on and she mite learn from how not to treat people like this.I mean she does be showing me text from a guy who sent her a couple of seedy pictures to her as a joke but really whats that about at the end of the day ha let her jog on perhaps and get my own life back to normal.

She's playing games, dude. Get rid.

Chazz Michael Michaels

helpme23 wrote: »

Maybe I should take a step back and let it all unfold itself and let her do whatever she wants so to speak not be trying to put so much energy into this anymore and get myself in the right frame of mind with myself forget the stupid things that make us feel so bad about ourselves.Maybe let her go on and she mite learn from how not to treat people like this.I mean she does be showing me text from a guy who sent her a couple of seedy pictures to her as a joke but really whats that about at the end of the day ha let her jog on perhaps and get my own life back to normal.

She's playing games, dude. Get rid.

Ande1975

helpme23 wrote: »

With me for a reason meaning ???

Hey OP,

Your intensity is jumping out from your responses. It would be wise to take a breather and try and relax about this.
When I said she is with you for a reason - is that she chose to be with you, she picked you to be her boyfriend so why are you worrying about all these other lads.
I still think she is very immature and could end up wrecking your head (looks like she already has).
Best thing you could do would be to rise above all this messing. If I was with a guy and he behaved like your girlfriend, I would cringe, lose respect for him and run a mile the opposite direction.
Childish behaviour.

helpme23

Ande1975 wrote: »

Hey OP,

Your intensity is jumping out from your responses. It would be wise to take a breather and try and relax about this.
When I said she is with you for a reason - is that she chose to be with you, she picked you to be her boyfriend so why are you worrying about all these other lads.
I still think she is very immature and could end up wrecking your head (looks like she already has).
Best thing you could do would be to rise above all this messing. If I was with a guy and he behaved like your girlfriend, I would cringe, lose respect for him and run a mile the opposite direction.
Childish behaviour.

If I was with a guy and he behaved like your girlfriend, I would cringe, lose respect for him and run a mile the opposite direction.??????

Ande1975

helpme23 wrote: »

If I was with a guy and he behaved like your girlfriend, I would cringe, lose respect for him and run a mile the opposite direction.??????

Ok, OP, I am done with this thread.
People are taking time to respond and you come across as aggressive.
Seriously, chill out - if this is the way you respond to your girlfriend, then I feel sorry for her.