No attraction

abouttocrackup

HiMy wife and I have been married for over 10 years, have a busy life with a few kids but we have llittle or no sex life. I adore my wife and I can honistly say the longer I am with her the more attracted I am to her. But to me the physical attraction seems to be totally one way.
The only time we have sex (3 or 4 times a year) is if we have a night away from the kids and we have a few drinks. It has been about 2 years since we had sex at home in our bed with no drink involved. We are both quite stressed, most couples our age with young kids are, as you know raising kids, 2 jobs, paying a mortgage etc but this is adding to the stress. Yet again I foolishly decided to make a move on my wife tonight and yet again I am staring at the celing frustraited at 4am.
I tried to discuss the issue before but i was told to just leave it. We go to bed together every night and usually cuddle through the night, but I do not know if I can continue this. Every night i get turned on by spooning, to me this seems normal and natural but now I have to "think not sexy thoughts" to try supress my attraction. This to me feels like a ticking time bomb but I do t know what to do to stop it.
Any advice on how I can discuss this issue? I know I will just be told to leave it.

Thanks

StickyIcky

You poor..... Insert b word here.

I'd sit her down and make her just listen to you while you spill your guts to her. Make her listen to you. Get her into the bedroom and stand with your back against the wall if you have to. People should listen to each other in a relationship as communication is the foundation. Is she's not willing to listen to you then there's no foundation. If she flat out refused to listen I'd try every trick in the book it's that important even resorting to refusing to speak to her at all until she agreed to hear you out.

Something needs to change. I can't imagine being in your situation and putting up with it for that long.

padma

This will sound crude but, when your spooning her. Try not to poke her with it. You know what I mean. Letting her know your up and ready etc. It just doesn't work.

On a more serious note. Try massages. Giving and receiving. Creating more couple time etc.

GreeBo

If her head is not in the right place it just wont happen. You need to figure out why its not.
Why does drink solve this problem? Is it inhibitions? Is she perhaps feeling insecure about herself and how you might see her sexually?

Like most things on here, a conversation is probably required to sort it out.

abouttocrackup

I believe stress is the problem thats why a few drinks help.
Massages etc work. But that takes 2 hours + to get to mood going and who has that kind of time. Also if i ever offer a message its normally rejected.

Padma.
I agree with what you are saying, but its difficult when you are attracted. Thats why i try the think not sexy thoughts

padma

I guessed that by what you are saying. Only thing is take on the advice here. Maybe talk and be direct about very thing you're going through etc. Etc

Tasden

abouttocrackup wrote: »

I believe stress is the problem thats why a few drinks help.
Massages etc work. But that takes 2 hours + to get to mood going and who has that kind of time. Also if i ever offer a message its normally rejected.

The way you feel about massages- who has time?- may be how she feels about sex. They're both affection and both something that take time and effort when you may not be in the mood, but maybe she feels she needs that affection and time to unwind before she feels in the mood for full sex.

You need to discuss it with her in a calm environment not in the bedroom when you're all hot and bothered.

Typer Monkey

Have you ever had a conversation about the lack of sex? If you have brought it up what has her response been? You absolutely have to sit her down away from the bedroom and outline as you have above how much distress this is causing you. She must be aware that you are having less sex than would be usual but she can't read your mind and how will things ever change if you don't tell her what you want and how the status quo is making you feel?

If you don't the problem will only get worse and lead to even more resentment and feelings of rejection

GreeBo

Whatever you do, dont start massaging, kissing etc just to get her in the mood!

Maybe in the evening, sitting on the couch take her hand, make her a cup of tea, stroke her leg...but thats it.
You need to show affection and decouple that from sex.


Also, when you do bring it up, ensure that you are not demanding or attacking. I've been in a relationship that became asexual...neither party wants it that way, but for whatever reason, thats where you are and you need to work together on getting back to somewhere that you are both happy.

strobe

abouttocrackup wrote: »

I tried to discuss the issue before but i was told to just leave it.

That's completely unacceptable tbh. Would your wife accept that from you in any other area of the relationship? If you decided for whatever reason that the cuddles and holding each other was only gonna be a couple of times a year from now on... If you began to only do your share with the kids the odd time every few months... etc... Would she be ok when she tried to raise it with you you told her to just leave it and expect her to accept that? Not likely I'd imagine.

Don't even consider just leaving it. My advice would be to arrange another night together without the kids. Sit her down away from the bedroom and as calmly and reasonably as possible explain to her that this is a very serious issue that is affecting you and how you feel in the relationship to a serious degree, and it needs to be discussed honestly with you, so you know where you stand, and where things stand between you in relation to this.

To just refuse to even discuss something which she must be well aware is causing you considerable unhappiness in the relationship is breathtakingly selfish and completely unacceptable behaviour from a partner.

LegacyUser

OP I feel for you. I was in a relationship with a guy and the sex stopped, or rarely happened. I wanted to talk about it, but he never did. It destroyed my confidence. I felt so unattractive.
And when I brought up the subject, usually when drunk, as he wouldn't talk about it when sober, he made me feel like a pervert.
It was my first proper relationship and I had nothing to compare it to. I started to feel like a pervert then, when I tried to turn affection into sex. We never lost the affection, just like yourselves.

Looking back I should never have put up with this kind of behaviour.

You definitely need to talk. When sex is put on hold, it's the first sign there is something wrong in the relationship.

And if your wife makes out that you are sex-obsessed or perverted, calmly tell her you're not. Sex is a basic need and one of the things that holds a marriage together. If a couple's not having sex then you're in all intents and purposes living with a sibling.

abouttocrackup

noattraction wrote: »

OP I feel for you. I was in a relationship with a guy and the sex stopped, or rarely happened. I wanted to talk about it, but he never did. It destroyed my confidence. I felt so unattractive.
And when I brought up the subject, usually when drunk, as he wouldn't talk about it when sober, he made me feel like a pervert.
It was my first proper relationship and I had nothing to compare it to. I started to feel like a pervert then, when I tried to turn affection into sex. We never lost the affection, just like yourselves.

Sounds like you have experienced the exact situation I am in. It is really getting me down n so many ways

December2012

If you can't listen to each other, go talk to a relationship counsellor.

Stress is normal but it's very subjective, often people don't realise the stress they are under is an abnormal amount and is removable.

StickyIcky

I was in a relationship for almost 5 years, at first the sex was great then I became increasingly frustrated, I started flirting with other woman, then meeting with them and having a kiss, then almost shagging them and not, and finally getting caught, getting back together, rinse and repeat. Years of my life I enjoyed and had lots of great times but was missing out on so much sex. Now a days me and my missus are doing it as much as we both want, every day or every second day, sometimes twice a day. Neither of us is unhappy and we've been together for two years. There are 3 things that people need in a broad sense to work well together, 1) physical attraction, that's the easy part that's yes or no really 2) sexual compatibility 3) all that personality stuff. I really think when you break it down like that, it's that simple.

Babooshka

StickyIcky wrote: »

There are 3 things that people need in a broad sense to work well together, 1) physical attraction, that's the easy part that's yes or no really 2) sexual compatibility 3) all that personality stuff. I really think when you break it down like that, it's that simple.

That is just one opinion though, not a failsafe way that every human would have success in relationships with if they stuck by that rule, so maybe not so simple throughout life, but I'd agree absolutely with you for the first couple of years in a relationship, you need all those things. There isn't a one size fits all formula for relationships working with or without sex, as sexuality is not an absolute staple. Sexual desire rises and falls throughout everyone's lives, and particularly for women - as hormones can play a very important part in dictating their libido. The sex drive is primarily there to make babies, after which the hormone levels can drop. Relationships also take work, it doesn't just magically stay sexy and amazing if you're still in love with and attracted to your partner. The mundande day to day happenings of life can wear people down, ask people 35/40 yars married if their sex life is the same as it was in the first few years, most will say no, some will laugh out loud, and the minority lucky few will say yes. You and your partner are not the same person and your desire for sex will not match throughout your relationship.

Sex is great there is no doubt about it, and necessary in a lot of relationships. Some couples agree not to have a sex life and stay together because their love for each other is so strong it doesn't matter to them or they have low libido. Some split up, some agree to let their partners get it somewhere else, it's all down to the individual relationship and the two people involved. But maybe ask the woman why she is feeling the way she is. No one can tell you what's best but I think all would agree that another attempt at communication, with respect and a degree of sensitivity to what your wife may be feeling has to happen, and you have to stick to your guns by telling her that you have needs that aren't being met in your relationship. You say you're both stressed - at the first sign of stress for me, I can't shag. Some other people want nothing more than to shag when they're stressed, but doesn't work that way for me, so maybe your wife is feeling very raw and emotional right now, ask her about it.

LegacyUser

OP you have written my story, guess I'm not the only one. My case we've no kids and she doesn't want them. I've tried everything and at this stage I'm starting to feel there isn't any point. I love my wife and I'm still very attracted to her. But, Jesus has it made me feel like I'm the ugliest guy on the planet.

I really feel she has no attraction towards me or love at this point. And yes we've talked about this and she simple says sex isn't an important thing to her either is kissing, hugs, holding hands and all that stuff and that I knew what she was like before we married, so it's my fault.

But that's not the way it was, she's changed while I haven't. But as people say, you need to work at a relationship and I hope if things improve and her works has less demands on her she might come back to seeing me the way she once did.

alias06

It sounds like you have just become convienient to you wife. The sooner you have a serious talk about it the better.

GreeBo

If sex is important to you, but not to your partner then I would wonder why it isnt important to her.

Things that are important to my partner are important to me, because they are important to her and she is important to me.
I might not love them, but I do them/partake etc because of her.

Sleepy

Ultimatums are rarely advisable but, in this circumstance I think one along the lines of "we need to address this, either by ourselves or with a counselor or I'm leaving you" would be my strategy. If she refuses to even discuss it, you have to force her to.

Don't let her make you feel like you're the abnormal one in this situation. She has the problem, not you.

Merkin

abouttocrackup wrote: »

I tried to discuss the issue before but i was told to just leave it.

This is completely and utterly unacceptable. You need to schedule a very serious discussion about exactly what is going on. She can't just take a decision not to have sex with you and expect you to comply. It needs to be established whether there is a medical reason for her loss of libido or whether it is something psychological. You need to address this head on and quickly because this is not suddenly going to get better by itself. If she can't explain why she no longer wants to be intimate with you then perhaps you need to look at psycho sexual or couples counselling.

Riskymove

GreeBo wrote: »

If sex is important to you, but not to your partner then I would wonder why it isnt important to her.

Things that are important to my partner are important to me, because they are important to her and she is important to me.
I might not love them, but I do them/partake etc because of her.

there are known medical/psychological conditions which would prevent or make it difficult for her to have sex

its not always as simple as her just refusing

StickyIcky

I agree with all 5 previous posters 100%. I would give her an ultimatum. It's not acceptable. Also perhaps it's a medical/psychological condition she has that needs to be addressed. What else could it be? It's either got to be physical or mental as everything right? Honestly if I had to give up sex, when I could physically and wanted to have sex, life just wouldn't be worth it to me If ever get into a situation where even though I love my missus to death, if she stopped having sex with me, I'd say hey I still love you and I want to be your friend but I need a partner who needs me like I need them.

So OP? What's up? What's happening? Have you tried talking to her yet?

abouttocrackup

No update but a conversation will happen over the weekend.
Your posts have helped me, I was feeling like I was being selfish. Post 11 really had an impact on me, it is exactly how I feel. I dont like the idea of an ultimatum I feel it will only add pressure. It needs to happen willingly on both sides, so we need to work out why we are where we are.
Thanks again.

GreeBo

Riskymove wrote: »

there are known medical/psychological conditions which would prevent or make it difficult for her to have sex

its not always as simple as her just refusing

It should still be important to her, that's the point.
Her refusing to acknowledge and talk about it is far more of a worry to me.