Dramarama

LegacyUser

Hi! Apologies in advance for the essay -

The backround of this story I suppose is that I have a different dad to my siblings but didnt find out till i was older as i grew up wit someone else as my dad. I always felt my mother disliked me, distain would be a better word really and my father was a manipulative child who craved her approval. I was quite sensitive and aware of what I was feeling and all the stuff going on around me. I spend most of my life at home trying to run away and I can`t remember ever feeling loved or wanted at all while in stark contrast my sister who`s a year younger was nurtured and protected and tended to lovingly by my parents.

I was intelligent but didnt flourish at school I later discovered the 2 reasons for that - epilepsy, which is why i was missing sections of time which people put down to day dreaming and dyslexia, which is why i couldnt read or tell time. One of my parents was a teacher so you would think somebody would have sensed the problem but no instead i was ridiculed at home.

At 13 I met a group of boys a few years older who must have seen me coming because they knew just what to say - 'we`ll be your friend, we`ll have our own special club if you do x,y and z', I had been bullied in school, I had very few friends and was quite innocent by comparison to the neighbours kids who all had older siblings. So I basically got pass aroud alot all the while pretending i was in charge of the situation like an idiot. I told people I`m not sure why really but obviously that made things worse.

Then it got worse I got sick when i was still a teenager. Up to that point I had discovered a love of sports and keep fit so I was completely floored. It was a different form of epilepsy coupled with a chronic illness, both of which went undiagnosed while I slowly deteriorated mentally. I was absolutely terrified and alone, I came close to suicide many times during this period simply because I was so ill I couldn`t stand it. My family choose not to believe I was ill, I am still unclear as to what they told themselves because I would have had to be either physically or mentally ill. They choose instead to laugh at me. During this time my parents separated and decided they needed to regress to teenagers so I spent alot of my time looking after my younger siblings, they would maintain this wasnt true and admitably it probably felt more marathon like given the state of my health but none the less many people remember seeing me with them day in day out so I know it isn`t completely in my imagination.

I stepped away from my family at that point which wasn`t easy as my parents weren`t behaving very responsibly. I settled in a different town where I met my husband. I worked hard to get my health to a reasonable state and my life was better. I decided to trace my biological father at this time as I needed to find out about him for myself my mother had changed her story a few times. It went well but hasn`t ended well, the whole situation is far to complicated and I probably didnt handle it well either.

I was back in contact with my family and having had diagnosis confirming my health problems I did receive a somewhat apology from my mother although it came with lashings of 'sure i probably have that but i just keep going' and 'sure if they looked at everyone they`d find something'. Most of my family just tiptoed around me having made their opinions up about me a long time ago and I just didn`t say anything much anymore to challenge them.

During the next few years I got my degree and cared for my grandmother, I actually had my own room in her house and spent quite a lot of time away from my husband but I didn`t feel that anyone else would care for her if I didn`t as no one even offered to do a weekend when she was ill, they choose instead to pretend she was not sick at this time.

I had my son last year and I have always been naturally maturnal really so am just following my instincts, although my parenting choices are less conventional, again thats a source of ridicule for them.

My mother got sick a couple of months ago, had everyone rallying round her and was sure it was something very serious and was frightened. The second she described her symtoms I knew it was exactly the same as what I had. She had herself hospitalised, seen to and medicated within 2 weeks. I just couldn`t help but feel annoyed since she had spun this myth that she was so strong and I was just weak, I was completely alone with no one she had everyone behind her believing her and supporting her and had barely coped with 2 weeks of the hell I had lived through for a few years as a teenager with no one in my corner and no one pushing for my treatment.

I had had a conversation a while ago explaining to mum that sometimes I needed to step away from family when I felt annoyed. I dont want to distress or argue with anyone else, I am an adult and I believe there is a point where you take control of yourself, your life and your feelings. So before christmas I text and said I needed some space, I felt very annoyed and needed some time to deal with my feeling. Her response was unbelievable she threatened to try to take me to court to take my son. In his year and a half life she has seen him very little, her career has dominated her time with him getting 5 minutes here and there when she passed through on her way between meetings. She spent huge amounts of time with her partners grandchildren tho at this time. She is on leave now and can`t drive so I imagine she is thinking what she will do with her time. She is feeling very sorry for herself and I`m afraid I just can`t muster sympathy for her. She was the nicest she has ever been that 2 weeks she was ill and as soon as she was diagnosed and medicated her attitude went back to the usual one she has to me, it really highlighted it and made me more aware of it too.

So we exchanged texts and she said a lot of things that just prove she doesn`t know me at all and was pretending the whole time so any kind of relationship I thought we had built was just blown out of the water. To be honest I kind of knew that but didn`t want to admit it to myself - I can really be deluded when it comes to my mother. She has always prioritised boyfriends/work/herself and we are worlds apart really.

I am not in any way perfect I can be tough, controlling, loud, argumentative and overly independant. I am very soft tho too and I think my family know this because i`ve always been the one called on when the chips are really down. They left me minding my grandmother for the 4 years before my sons birth, during this time of course true to form never acknoledging a problem till they had to mind her themselves this winter.

The thought of having to deal with them or see them at all literally makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and rock in the corner. I need to keep it together for my own family and my son. I feel angry and it has spilled into the rest of my life, I pick fights easily and I don`t even notice i`m doing it. I dont know if i can find a way to have them in my life and be happy. I feel frightened that my son will hate me for depriving him of contact with his relatives. I feel really worthless and like my life is a mess. I think i`m just a joke to everyone and find it hard to believe anyone would like me or i have anything to offer anyone. I know something needs to change because i have a son to live for and i dont want to pass on any of this to him.

If anyone is still with me - what do i do? how do i find a way to cope or even more impossibly be happy and move forward?

username123

I'm not really clear on why you would want to keep your family if origin in your life at all, given how negatively you feel towards them? Deprive your son of what? You describe a pack of cruel nut jobs, surely the thing here is to protect your son from that?

And clearly, given the length and nature of your post, you need counselling or therapy or something positive for yourself to help you work through your issues. It is not healthy for you to be holding onto the anger about perceived acts of dismissive or cruel behaviour since you were a baby. It's just not. At some point we need to accept and let go of our past, not harbour feelings of anger and blame about it, it's just not good for you.

In order to move forward you need to put the focus on your own health and mental health and stop with the dysfunctional relationships with toxic family members. Live for yourself and not for them or in 30 years time it'll be your son writing a similar post regarding mad behaviour and blame and anger because if you don't deal with the past you will pass all if this negativity onto him.

Merkin

justdontknowwhattodowithmyself wrote: »

If anyone is still with me - what do i do? how do i find a way to cope or even more impossibly be happy and move forward?

1. Seek professional help. I think you need to see a counsellor for all the issues you outlined above

2. Cut your toxic family out of your life.

LegacyUser

I was actually afraid people would say my family was fine and I was a selfish whatever. I don`t think i`m actually holding onto anger over stuff since i`m a baby, it was more of a backround thing. I dont think they`re a complete pack of nutjobs - there all educated, valued people who are far more successful in life than me but they are extremely selfish individuals.

I do feel extremely angry about how I was treated when I was sick tho. Mainly I suppose because i`m quite a nice person and wouldn`t treat my worst enemy that way. I`m not saying like i`m a nice person, i`m so great - I`m just built that way I can`t help it, maybe its not the right way to be in life and doesn`t seem to be working for me but I have to live with myself.

I was sick for 7 years in total and i`m sure the stress made the duration a bit longer and a lot more difficult. So I`m only out of it 5 years and i`ll never be back to 100% so I`m still kind of processing. The whole thing with mum has thrown me back into it. It was a prolonged traumatic situation where I had no support. Maybe I didn`t stand up for myself enough or shout loud enough but I got the impression I was being a nuisance and its very hard when your that sick you just don`t have any energy left to fight. I know its not the worst thing in the world and i`m so thankful to be here now and every day, particularly these days with my son, are very precious.

I feel very guilty for cutting my family out of my life, although I am much happier without them. I`m worried that things will look differently when I`m older and I won`t have the chance then.

I went to counselling on and of for a few years and I didn`t find it helpful. It seemed to just rehash issues and left me feeling more uoset. Is there an alternative form of counselling that anyone can recommend or anything from personal experience?

thegreatgonzo

I also think you need counselling. You don't mention your husband much. Are you still together? If you are it sounds like you are shutting him out while you are continuing an unnecessary battle with your mother.

LegacyUser

Thegreatgonzo me and my husband are very much still together and have been 13 years. He`s never been a huge fan of my family and feels discusted at how i have been treated during the years. He more or less just think what do I expect they`re just selfish horrible people and I should stop expecting otherwise or giving them chances. I tend to see the best in people, probably to much so I suppose.

username123

I think for counselling you might need to try different people before you get a good "fit". There's certainly no point in continuing if there is no progress. I'd be inclined to be quite stubborn on it and move on after 8 weeks if I didn't feel any progress was being made.

You may need to speak to a GP regarding how you feel and possibly see a different kind of medical professional. Maybe counselling isn't enough? Or a different kind of counsellor? I'm not a doctor so I don't know but your posts come across like your mind and thoughts are swirling with a lot of negative emotion. It can't be good for your mental health to be feeling like that. You come across as very stressed out, but the stress seems to all be coming from the past or wanting people to behave differently or an inability to move on and put toxic people out of your life.

I really do not mean this in a bad way, but you seem to be wallowing in quite a bit of self pity. Could there be an underlying mental health issue such as depression or something that has you doing that?

Your mental and emotional state shouldn't be such a struggle. You are married with a child, you have good things in your life. The more I reread your OP the more I think you should tell your GP how you feel.

The title of the thread is telling also. It takes two to engage in drama, it doesn't work if one person won't respond, so you need to ask yourself why you allow yourself to be pulled into drama when you maintain so strongly that it is not what you want.

Best of luck.

marizpan

username123 wrote: »

The title of the thread is telling also. It takes two to engage in drama, it doesn't work if one person won't respond, so you need to ask yourself why you allow yourself to be pulled into drama when you maintain so strongly that it is not what you want.

Best of luck.

Wise words!

While you are not to blame but you are enabling the drama by partaking.
Listen to your husband. Cut contact with your family and put good energy into your own family and yourself.
You will save your son the ' drama' and drama is learnt behaviour so don't allow it to be pass on.

In your responses, you come across as defensive and making reasons/excuses.
I assume from this you are used to being emotionslly attacked. And you don't need excuses, no one needs to make excuses or justify anything. Your family are treating you terribly regardless of their jobs/education. And you are allowing them!

LegacyUser

It's very difficult to put yourself accross accurately so sorry if my wordy posts with there lack of grammar maybe make things seem a bit more manic than they are.
Admittedly I do find it difficult to move on, other people seem able to so easily and I wonder what their secret is,do they forgive?forget?or bury? their past issues.

I don't want to sound like I'm wallowing in self pity I'm honestly so grateful for so many things and having been sick it made me enjoy simple things. I don't forget how lucky I am to be able to go for a walk or shop or hang out with friends. Lots of people get sick and die even at my age. No one can imagine or understand how happy I am that my body grew a healthy wonderful baby and I still have to pinch myself when I look at how beautiful he is. Dramarama was clearly not as funny as I thought...it just all sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle you know.

Lola18

I can relate to a lot of what your saying OP, my biological father is different to my siblings and we all grew up with the same "dad". I always felt inferior, no matter what I done which put me into kind of a rut.
I done a personal development course and found it brilliant. It made me realise I can control how I feel and react to different situations. Also that I don't have to forgive or forget I can acknowledge what has happened and just assure myself that it's ok but I don't need to hold on to it.
We actually all wrote something we wanted to let go off on a piece of paper and scrunched it up/ripped it/ jumped on it some even burnt it, it might sound a bit crazy and probably looked it too but it did help an awful lot.

marizpan

Step 1. Cut out your toxic family. Use the space to gain emotional distance untill you are ready to acknowledge all the past hurts.

Step 2. Now you have to feel all your past hurts and face them, name them for what they are, inorder to move beyond them. This is the horrible part, but we all must do it inorder to move on. This part can take a year or two!

Step 3. Live the life you always wanted with the people you always wanted because you are baggage free. Be good to yourself and embrace life.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Thx everyone so much for taking the time to reply to me. This is still complicated but I`m feeling a little more confident moving forward. Would still love replies from people telling me how they have coped with similar situations, that does help.

marizpan

My advice is coming from experience and you will find that to be true from most that have posted a reply..

It is just a matter of taking action.
You really need to cut contact. This alone will give you so much clarity in weeks/months. Distance from the problem is key here.