UCAS Personal Statement HELP

jimmy5694

Hi, im applying for paramedic practitioner/sciences I have here a personal statement that I need other peoples opinion on wording and structure please if you deal with the English language in any way or have submitted a personnel statement before can you post your changes and opinions I need this done for 15th January, any questions/queries will be answered. I would really appreciate it thanks!

just like to add: currently there are 635/1000 words Max 4000 characters or 1000 words

**********

I am applying for paramedic practitioner as I always had a strong interest in the area because I like taking care of people and determined individual who can work well under pressure and in stressful situations. I believe I am calm in stressful situations but also a practical and systemic approach to situations and problem solving. I have come to a stage where I can no longer expand on my qualifications due to I am living in a small rural town and this is why I wish to apply for your reputable qualification. This course has appealed to me because I am fascinated by how paramedics work. For example the ability to treat a person in a traumatic situation like a car accident and to be able to help them in probably the most stressful time of their lives. I find watching unfortunate traffic accidents on the news or reading about them on newspapers and the first thought that comes into my head is how the paramedic dealt with that situation.
I have completed my Leaving Certificate last year; currently I’m taking part in a Fetac level 5 in Emergency Services this course aims to train me to become a healthcare assistant and an Emergency Medical Technician I believe that these qualifications as stepping stones would be a major help with Paramedic training.
The subjects I am most interested in is the anatomy and physiology this is because I have a keen fascination on how the human body works and what happens if something goes wrong. I have experience from a first aid point of view as I have been a member for various voluntary organisations such as the Irish Red Cross, Civil Defence, and Scouting Ireland I also hold a pool lifeguard qualification all of which have given me a foundation for my main goal which is to work towards the paramedic qualification.
For my leaving cert I was studying eight subjects. I have enjoyed studying these subjects as they are very interesting because they relate to what people are doing on a day to day basis. Subjects which have helped me with studying for my Leaving cert would be English and Link Modules mainly because with report writing, writing formal and informal letters with these they have helped me with Biology because I had to write lab reports into my lab book and with the skills that I learnt from link modules and English it was plane sailing.
Like I have said, I am a member of various voluntary organisations. The one I am most active in is the Red Cross this is because I get to talk to real paramedics which who advised me on the steps to take in becoming qualified. The training I get from being involved is given to us by paramedics so they give an insight on all the possible situations that these people go through and on how to deal with these as this comes in handy for when we go on duty. I also have a part time job as a barman I love my job because I get to meet all kinds of people even difficult customers which can sometimes be a handful. The skills I learned from my position are interpersonal, communication and people skills which will come in handy for the course I am applying for. If I am chosen to take part in the paramedic course I hope to become qualified in that area and work for the NHS or in Ireland the HSE which is my main goal but also I would love to keep working with the voluntary groups to educate and guide people who also want to become paramedics. I do hope you will give my application serious consideration as I would really like to complete my paramedic studies.

jimmy5694

Ok thanks a mill i am working on it!

d1234

http://www.studential.com/personalstatements very good website for preparing UCAS statements:

Some tips from www.careersportal.ie
Writing Tips:
Read the following advice to help you connect your sentences and paragraphs together as well as help you vary the language you use in your Personal Statement.

In addition:
In addition to my work experience I have gained valuable skills through voluntary work.

As well as:
As well as my involvement in team games, I am also keen on playing individual competitive sport.

Reinforce:
My involvement in the school voluntary programme has reinforced my decision to study a degree in Physiotherapy.

Strengthen:
My decision to study a degree in Economics has been strengthened by my enjoyment and success studying it at school.

Furthermore:
Furthermore, I am particularly suited to a degree in Chemistry because of my love for the subject and my keen interest to further my knowledge of the subject.

Not to mention:
Being involved in the voluntary work programme not to mention my work experience has provided an opportunity to work with a diverse range of people.

More recently:
Although I have taken part in classical music concerts, more recently I have decided to learn to play the piano.

Enabled me:
The opportunity to play in the school football team enabled me to work as part of a team.

Provided me:
The work experience provided me with an opportunity to work with a range if people.

Opportunity to:
The opportunity to work with people was provided by my work experience.

Using the "I" word.
Beginning too many sentences with I is very easy to do, especially when writing about yourself. Instead try to create varied sentences with a range of alternative starting points:

Dont write... Write...
I am Captain of the Hockey Team... Being Captain of the Hockey team
I enjoy playing sport... Having enjoyed playing football
I enjoy socialising... Socialising is important to me because...
I have taken part in... Taking part in
I have gained a number of skills... The skills I have gained from

jimmy5694

thanks D1234 that is something I was looking for and will be used! I tried to cut back on I's but this advice will certainly make it easier.

nailforhammer

jimmy5694 wrote: »

Hi, im applying for paramedic practitioner/sciences I have here a *personal statement that I need other peoples opinion on wording and structure please if you deal with the English language in any way or have submitted a personnel statement before can you post your changes and opinions I need this done for 15th January, any questions/queries will be answered. I would really appreciate it thanks!

just like to add: currently there are 635/1000 words Max 4000 characters or 1000 words

**********

I am applying for paramedic practitioner as I *have always had a strong interest in the area because I like taking care of people and I am adetermined individual who can work well under pressure and in stressful situations. I believe I am calm in stressful situations but also a practical and systemic approach to situations and problem solving. I have come to a stage where I can no longer expand on my qualifications due toas I am living in a small rural town and this is why I wish to apply for your reputable qualification. This course appealsto me because I am fascinated by how paramedics work. For example the ability to treat a person in a traumatic situation like a car accident and to be able to help them (in probably the most stressful time of their lives - doesn't sound very formal). I find watching unfortunate traffic accidents on the news or reading about them on newspapers and the first thought that comes into my head is how the paramedic dealt with that situation( revise this sentence - doesn't make a lot of sense).

I have completed my Leaving Certificate last year; currently I’m taking part in a Fetac level 5 in Emergency Services this course aims to train me to become a healthcare assistant and an Emergency Medical Technician I believe that these qualifications as stepping stones would be a major help with Paramedic training.

The subjects I am most interested in is the anatomy and physiology this is because I have a keen fascination on how the human body works and what happens if something goes wrong. I have experience from a first aid point of view as I have been a member for various voluntary organisations such as the Irish Red Cross, Civil Defence, and Scouting Ireland I also hold a pool lifeguard qualification all of which have given me a foundation for my main goal which is to work towards the paramedic qualification.

For my leaving cert I studied eight subjects. I have enjoyed studying these subjects as they are very interesting because they relate to what people are doing on a day to day basis. Subjects which have helped me with studying for my Leaving cert would be English and Link Modules mainly because with report writing, writing formal and informal letters with these they have helped me with Biology because I had to write lab reports into my lab book and with the skills that I learnt from link modules and English it was *plain sailing. revise. Too informal

Like I have said, I am a member of various voluntary organisations. The one I am most active in is the Red Cross this is because I get to talk to real paramedics which who advised me on the steps to take in becoming qualified. The training we get is given to us by paramedics so they give an insight on all the possible situations that these people go through and on how to deal with these as this comes in handy for when we go on duty. I also have a part time job as a barman I love my job because I get to meet all kinds of people even difficult customers which can sometimes be a handful. The skills I *learnt (you used learnt earlier so don't use learned here keep spelling the same) from my position are interpersonal, communication and people skills which will come in handy for the course I am applying for. If I am chosen to take part in the paramedic course I hope to become qualified in that area and work for the NHS or in Ireland the HSE which is my main goal.(new sentence) However I would also love to keep working with the voluntary groups to educate and guide people who too want to become paramedics. I do hope you will give my application serious consideration as I would really like to complete my paramedic studies.Not sure about this last sentence may sound like you are begging them

There are more revisions necessary I just gave a quick skim. I recommend getting an English teacher to help you but also consider my revisions.

jimmy5694

Ok thanks and i will

Mr Pseudonym

I'm going to work from nailforhammer's edited version:


I am applying to the paramedic practitioner course. I have always been greatly interested in Accident & Emergency care because I like taking care of people (not a good reason). I am a determined individual who can work well under pressure and stress, and apply a systematic approach in such situations. I have come to a stage where I can no longer expand on my qualifications due to living in a small rural town, and this is why I wish to apply for your reputable qualification (not a good reason). This course appeals to me because I am fascinated by how paramedics work. For example, the ability to treat a person in a traumatic situation like a car accident and to be able to help them in probably the most stressful time of their lives. (doesn't really make sense)

When hearing about unfortunate traffic accidents on the news or reading about them in newspapers, the first question that comes into my head is how the paramedic dealt with that situation. (are you sure you want to say that?!)

I completed my Leaving Certificate last year, and am currently taking part in a Fetac level 5 course in Emergency Services which aims to train me to become a healthcare assistant and an Emergency Medical Technician. I believe that these qualifications, as stepping-stones, would be a major help with Paramedic training.

For my leaving cert I studied eight subjects. I have enjoyed studying these subjects as they are very interesting because they relate to what people are doing on a day to day basis. Subjects which have helped me with studying for my Leaving cert would be English and Link Modules mainly because with report writing, writing formal and informal letters with these they have helped me with Biology because I had to write lab reports into my lab book and with the skills that I learnt from link modules and English it was *plain sailing. (I would rewrite this whole paragraph. Saying that you enjoyed studying subjects because they are interesting isn't worth mentioning. What subjects did you do that "relate to what people are doing on a daily basis"? It's also got lots of grammar and punctuation mistakes.)

The subjects I am most interested in are anatomy and physiology. This is because I have a fascination with how the human body works and what happens if something goes wrong.

I have been a member of various voluntary organisations such as the Irish Red Cross, Civil Defence, and Scouting Ireland, and I hold a Pool Lifeguard qualification, all of which have given me a foundation (in what way have they?) for my main goal which is to work towards the paramedic qualification. I am very active in the Red Cross. I talk to real paramedics who advise me on the steps necessary to become qualified. We are trained by paramedics, (which gives me real insight into what the career of a paramedic is like, etc, etc). I also have a part time job as a barman I love my job because I get to meet all kinds of people - even "difficult" customers. The skills I have developed from in that role are interpersonal, communication and people skills (those are all pretty much the same thing! How about maturity, cleanliness, time-keeping, etc? which will come in handy for the course I am applying for (this sounds very informal. Plus, it's not for your course that they'll be useful, it's for the career of paramedic).

If I am chosen to take part in the paramedic course, upon graduation, I hope to work for the National Health Service or the Irish equivalent. I would continue working with voluntary groups to educate and guide people, as I would get a great deal of personal satisfaction from doing so.

I hope you will give my application serious consideration.



I've cleaned it up a bit, but I think an awful lot still needs to be done. Best of luck.

d1234

Good article in yesterdays Independent that I meant to put up!
http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/education/if-applying-to-the-uk-remember-its-more-than-just-about-exam-results-29888291.html

miissjuly

Include your emotions and any personal experience e.g a sick elderly family member was carried by a paramedic (or however they helped) and bring in your emotions + how that helped you to choose a career in paramedics. You can exaggerate a bit but not over the top in case you are interviewed and they ask you about it. Good luck with it.

jimmy5694

UPDATE

I am applying for a course in the area of Paramedics. I would like to study this at University level having always been greatly interested in Accident & Emergency Care. I have come to a stage where at the end of this academic year I will have obtained as many qualifications as I can. I want to keep advancing my skills and qualifications, which is why I am applying to you. I am a determined individual who can work well under pressure and stress, and apply a systematic approach in such situations.
I have completed my Leaving Certificate last year; currently I’m taking part in a FETAC level 5 course in the Emergency Services. This course aims to train me to become a healthcare assistant and an Emergency Medical Technician, I believe that these qualifications, as stepping stones, will be a major help with my Paramedic training. The modules that we are currently covering are: Medical Terminology which is aimed at understanding medical and anatomical terms and legislation, Emergency Department Care Skills gives me an understanding of how to interact and communicate with a patient as well as illustrates how the emergency department functions, Kinesiology has taught me how the body works physiologically, psychologically, mechanically and what happens if these go wrong, Anatomy and Physiology is also teaching me how the body works. I am also studying Psychology, Teamworking, Word Processing, Work Experience and Safety and Health at Work. Each of the subjects this year is adding to my knowledge base but more importantly my motivation. As I go through the year the more I learn the more I want to learn and I have never been so sure of my future career path. As a young man I often felt sorry for my classmates/friends who never knew what they wanted to do, this was never a problem for me as I knew the caring professions were ultimately where I would be.
The subject I am most interested in is Anatomy and Physiology, this is because I have a keen fascination as to how the human body works and what happens if something goes wrong. I have extensive experience from a First Aid point of view as I have been a member of various voluntary organisations such as the Irish Red Cross, Civil Defence, and Scouting Ireland. I also hold a pool lifeguard qualification all of these have given me a solid foundation for my main goal which is to become a Paramedic.
For my LC I studied English, Irish, Maths, Biology, Engineering, Construction, Design Communication Graphics and Link Modules/Leaving Cert Vocational Programme. The subjects I completed have helped me in many various ways, English and Link modules helped with my report writing skills which will be useful in the Paramedics. Biology is directly related to my vocational area, while Maths and Engineering have taught me to be a logical and structured thinker, both of which I hope will help me become a better Paramedic
Like I have said, I am a member of various voluntary organisations. The one I am most active in is the Red Cross, this is because I get to talk to real paramedics who advised me on the steps to take in becoming qualified. The training I get from being involved with the Red Cross is provided by paramedics themselves, they give a real insight into all the possible situations that they go through and on how to deal with these, I find this invaluable when we go out on duty. I also have a part time job as a barman, I love my job because I get to meet all kinds of people, even difficult customers who can sometimes be a handful. The skills I learned from my position behind the bar are interpersonal, communication and people skills which will come in handy for the course I am applying for.
If I am chosen to take part in the Paramedic Course I hope to become qualified and work for the NHS or in Ireland the HSE which is my main goal, but also I would love to keep working with the voluntary groups. I would in time like to educate and guide people who also want to become paramedics. I do hope you will give my application serious consideration as I would really like to complete my studies and start on my journey into the Paramedics.

d1234

I wish to apply for a course in the area of Paramedics. I would like to study this at University level having always been greatly interested in Accident & Emergency Care . I have come to a stage where at the end of this academic year I will have obtained as many qualifications as I can. I want to continue advancing my skills and qualifications, which is why I am applying to your college/IT/university.

Personally, I would consider myself to be a determined individual who can work well under pressure and stress, and apply a systematic approach in such situations. Having completed my Leaving Certificate last year; I’m currently undertaking a FETAC level 5 course in the Emergency Services. This course aims to train me to become a healthcare assistant and an Emergency Medical Technician. I believe that these qualifications will act as stepping stones and will assist me greatly in Paramedic training. The modules that we are currently covering are; Medical Terminology which is aimed at understanding medical and anatomical terms and legislation, Emergency Department Care Skills gives me an understanding of how to interact and communicate with a patient as well as illustrates how the emergency department functions, Kinesiology has taught me how the body works physiologically, psychologically, mechanically and what happens if these go wrong, Anatomy and Physiology is also teaching me how the body works. I am also studying Psychology, Team working, Word Processing, Work Experience and Safety and Health at Work. Each of these modules this year has ultimately improved my knowledge base but more importantly my motivation. I now have the appetite to reinforce these topics in this course and to expand on my existing knowledge as well as learn a myriad of other skills and information which will enable me to excel in this career.

As a young person, choosing a career can be a daunting quest. However, for me this was never challenging as I was always attracted to a career in the domain of health science. From speaking to other students who have graduated in this area, they all spoke very positively of their past and current experiences. I found this very useful as they gave me an insight into the career itself and what it entails, which I have learned is sometimes rather demanding. However, having considered this and the other negative press in the media, this course is still very close to my heart and I still have a very high regard for it.

The subject which appeals to me the most is Anatomy and Physiology. This is because I have a fascination as to how the human body works and the health problems evident in society. I have extensive experience from a First Aid point of view as I have been a member of various voluntary organisations such as the Irish Red Cross, Civil Defence, and Scouting Ireland. I also hold a pool lifeguard qualification and all of these have directed me towards my main goal in life which is to become a Paramedic.

For my Leaving Certificate, I studied English, Irish, Maths, Biology, Engineering, Construction Studies, Design Communication Graphics and Link Modules/Leaving Cert Vocational Programme. The subjects I completed have helped me in many various ways, English and Link Modules helped with my report writing skills, which will be useful in the Paramedics. Biology is directly related to my vocational area, while Maths and Engineering have taught me to be a logical and structured person, both of which I hope will help me become a better Paramedic

As I have previously referred to, I am a member of various voluntary organisations. The organisation which I am most active in is the Red Cross as I have the opportunity to converse with paramedics, who have equipped me with information regarding what career path to take. The training I receive from being involved with the Red Cross is provided by paramedics themselves. This is particularly useful as they give a real insight into all the possible situations that they meet in life and on how to deal with these, which I find this invaluable when we go out on duty. I am also very fortunate to have a part time job as a barman. I love my job because I get to meet all kinds of people, even difficult customers who can sometimes be a handful. The skills I learned from my position behind the bar are interpersonal, communication and people skills which will be beneficial for the course I desire to study.

If I am fortunate to be accepted onto this course, I would aspire to take part in the Paramedic Course and work for the NHS or in Ireland the HSE in the future, which is my main goal but also I would love to continue to offer my skills to the community on a voluntary basis. I would in time like to educate and guide people who also want to become paramedics. As somebody with an extensive knowledge of this area and who wishes to expand on it, I do hope you will give my application serious consideration as I would really like to complete my studies and start on my journey into the Paramedics.

Roughly 870 words. Perhaps reconsider the opening and ending with a nice phrase/quote etc! Overall very good!

jimmy5694

d1234 I am absolutely thrilled, and I really appreciate it thanks a MILLION!!