new relationship in 3 months we only had sex ONCE

ippn1

Im dating this girl for little less then 3 months now. We are both 26. We are now officially bf/gf and we get along pretty good. But here is the thing that bothers me. We have had sex only once. It was around 6 weeks and around 10 dates.


I invited her at my place for the movie night. Of course I chose boring movie so I made my move after we both agree we should watch different movie. We had sex for around an hour. Sex was not great. It was not even good. During sex she told me she hasn’t had sex for 1.5 years and she hasn’t had boyfriend for 3 years. I said I also haven’t had sex for over a year (I have had health problems – ankle injuries and operations). Because of that I wasnt able to perform as well as id like to (only missionary position and her on top). I came she didn’t… I went down on her, fingering her – she was saying that was good, it feels good during sex… blablaba. After sex we watched another movie and then she left.



Now every time I invite her over to my place (I do not live alone so its usually on fridays and saturdays) she has an excuse. I often invite her day before so she can make plans, but everytime something comes up (she invites her friends over and they drink so she cant drive, she has something to do, …) That happened the last 3 times and im annoyed and angry. She has never said she wont come right away, its always ‘I ll let you know’ and she always ‘get stuck’. Other than that we see each other 3 to 4 times a week .She met all my friends, I met hers, I met all her close relatives pretty soon. During dates there is non stop physical contact, kissing, making out… I can confidently say Im good bf and always take time for her. Tonight I inveted her over and she said she will let me know since she went to visit her relatives for new year, and after 2 hours she said she ‘got stuck’ and is now at home on a couch and that we will see each other tomorrow. I was angry and wrote back ‘you often ‘get stuck’ when I invite you over to my place… good night’. BTW she lives with her parents so I never spent a night or had sex at her place.


My plan is to talk to her about that because its really bothering me. I was expecting sex every chance we can get, at least at this stage of relationship. Any thoughts? Tnx for opinions.

Mint Aero

Just from my own experience. There are people out there who are incapable of dumping someone. They'll kinda ignore you, make up excuses for not seeing you and it can go on for months. Eventually you'll get so frustrated and angry you'll either say something you shouldn't or you'll be the one to end it and they'll be delighted (secretly) that they didn't have to act like a mature responsible adult and face dumping someone.

You however, won't get adequate closure and will feel a mixture of guilt and sadness for a long time for dumping someone you liked/wanted to be with even though it's not really the case at all. So yeah that's my contribution. Sounds like she's not interested, the sex might not be the full issue.

MugMugs

The above could well be true. I'd be surprised if it isn't. In saying that and given your interest in this lass I'd highly suggest that you sit her down and tell her firstly how important sex is to you and how genuinely important it is to any real relationship.

There could well be other underlying issues there so thread carefully when having that chat and don't be too forceful on the matter.

Her reaction to you talking about it will tell you more than you need to know.

up for anything

ippn1 wrote: »

I We had sex for around an hour. Sex was not great. It was not even good. During sex she told me she hasn’t had sex for 1.5 years and she hasn’t had boyfriend for 3 years. I said I also haven’t had sex for over a year (I have had health problems – ankle injuries and operations). Because of that I wasnt able to perform as well as id like to (only missionary position and her on top). I came she didn’t… I went down on her, fingering her – she was saying that was good, it feels good during sex… blablaba.

Something important is missing for both of you in your relating of the encounter - the passion. This business of inviting her over primarily with sex as the end goal is weird especially as you see each other lots and apparently are very physical during those meetings. I get an impersonal vibe from your description of foreplay and sex, a bit like a Gynecologist describing how to do an internal. Maybe invite her over and let her know that sex isn't on the agenda and take the pressure off her. You sound very confident in your normal sexual abilities whereas it's been a while for her and her previous experiences might have been crap so it might take her a while to relax and forget herself enough to truly engage and enjoy it.

The Corinthian

TBH, this whole scenario sounds more like she likes him and wants a boyfriend but doesn't enjoy sex. Full stop.

So it's probably a lot more than a lack of attraction or passion, as she'd hardly want to snog him either, were that the case - although if she did, it would explain that whole kissing frogs thing that women tend to go on about.

But more seriously, what's she's doing is clearly avoiding any situation which could result in sex. Why, we don't know, but she's fine with the whole relationship and affection side of things, probably even fancies him but sex is something that she'll avoid and only engage in, every blue moon, as a last measure.

Too frequently nowadays, you get threads on PI where some husband (normally, but sometimes wives too) post complaining how there's no sex in the relationship and never really has been, even since before marriage. When asked about why they married if this was already evident as a problem, you'll either get the "I thought it would work itself out" line or no response, because they're probably too embarrassed to admit they were such ejits.

Anyhow OP, you need to sort this out, before you get yourself any deeper in this relationship and you find yourself rationalizing how the problem ll work itself out after you're living together. Or after you're married.

If she refuses to engage on this, then it's a sure sign of problems in that department and that she's unwilling to address them. That's when I would get my relationship exit visa stamped.

Merkin

I'd have a very open discussion with her as to why she seems to be avoiding sex with you. If she's simply not into it then its better to find out now and go your separate ways than ignore the large elephant that's appeared in the room.

LegacyUser

Wait you see her 3 or 4 times a week but not at weekends? She can't free up time at the wkend except Sunday? When do you actually see each other, where, how long for? Sorry OP this doesn't sound like real relationship. She can't give straight and immediate answer as when to meet up. Gets "stuck" at weekends. She sounds like she's stringing you along and has someone else taking her priority time. apart from the meeting family and friends I would think she's someone else on the go at same time. Is this a possibility?

Dee01

I'm going against the grain here and I don't want to sound harsh, but your weekend 'dates' sound to me like a booty call. Maybe your gf feels the same way. Ur gf sounds anxious about the whole thing. She waited until during sex to tell you about her last time. To me I think she is scared of sex and us possibly inexperienced. Bringing her friends is like a safety net. She is ensuring she is not in a situation where she 'has' to have sex with you. I could be completely off, but is she younger then she's telling you?

Regardless, I agree with the other posters and yourself. You do need to sit down and talk to her openly.

The Corinthian

Dee01 wrote: »

I'm going against the grain here and I don't want to sound harsh, but your weekend 'dates' sound to me like a booty call.

Firstly, I don't think you've really gone against the grain at all; you've just repeated the same thing most people have, which is the OP's girlfriend as issues with sex, at least with him, if not in general.

As for it being a 'booty call' why is that such a bad thing for people in a relationship? Wanting to have sex with your other half is not a sign of disrespect or otherwise a negative thing, indeed, it's a positive sign of one's physical attraction to them. And sex is fun.

I just can't fathom this idea that sex is some sort of 'chore' or thing one is 'forced' into having when in a relationship - especially in a relationships early days, when one would presume that sexual attraction is strongest.

This is not to say that you're not right and this is exactly why his girlfriend is avoiding sex, but if so there's realistically something wrong there and not with the OP.

Regardless, I agree with the other posters and yourself. You do need to sit down and talk to her openly.

If you're correct in your analysis of her motivations, then an open and frank discussion will be very difficult to achieve.

Dee01

I suppose I expressed it wrong. I agree that the start of a relationship is when u are most likely to be tearing eachothers clothes off at any chance you get...... when ur ready for that level of a relationship. I think I'm trying to get across that the gf perhaps feels she 'has' to have sex with him during the home visits and May not be ready for that. Since the encounter she has still been happy to date, but has not allowed herself to be in a position where sex is possible.

Tasden

Dee01 wrote: »

I suppose I expressed it wrong. I agree that the start of a relationship is when u are most likely to be tearing eachothers clothes off at any chance you get...... when ur ready for that level of a relationship. I think I'm trying to get across that the gf perhaps feels she 'has' to have sex with him during the home visits and May not be ready for that. Since the encounter she has still been happy to date, but has not allowed herself to be in a position where sex is possible.

Yep I'd be inclined to agree with you on that. Perhaps she felt afterwards that you will expect it from now on, or that it was too soon and doesn't want to rush anything else. Or maybe she's questioning if now you only want sex now that she has taken that step with you and wants to make sure there is more to the relationship? Tbh the only way you'll know is if you ask her.

ViveLaVie

I know a girl who had a bad experience with sex before and as a result became very anxious about it with her new boyfriend. She only had sex with him once in the first six months until he sat her down and asked her what was wrong. He was very understanding and she got over her fear. They've a great relationship and a healthy sex life now. I think you need to approach this with patience and understanding.

LegacyUser

She brings friends to your place or she has friends over for drinks in hers then can't drive? Does she stay mid week? Sounds like she didnt even stay at yours first time you had sex

Dark Phoenix

look its clear she has some kind of issues with sex but this doesnt mean you shut put up and shut up and go along with this as if you do it will never be brought up, discussed or sorted. besides you cant help her to get through anything if you have no idea what the problem is. The Corinthian is so right you see so many posts on here where people are miserable in marraiges and havent had sex for years - if you dont do something about this now it wont magically get better.

As for people commenting on a booty call its normal to want to have your bf/gf come over at the weekend, spend time together, have sex with you and stay over. Its not disrespectful in fact I would argue its a key part at this stage in a relationship. It would be different if he wanted her to come over, have sex and go home.

Having sex only once in about three months means this is realistically more like a friendship than a relationship (aside from the kissing). I;d suggest to try and have an honest conversation about it with her.

If that gets you nowhere then I have to be honest after just three months I think I;d cut my losses. Life is too short to resigning yourself to a sexless relationship.

LadyGodivva

Tbh i think she could feel you could be pressurizing her for sex. Whenever you mention going over to yours she probably views it as he expects or will be pushing for sex now. You said in your original post that you ' made your move', that just doesn't come across as a loving experience and sounds more like you pounced on the girl when you felt there was an opportunity. You admit the sex was not good and she didn't orgasm. If it wasn't good and she feels pressure from you she probably has built up an oh god no reaction to sex with you. Why don't you stop putting any pressure on her, don't even mention sex for a little while, be sweet and romantic and see if it happens naturally, if not then talk to her about it. But reading your post thats what i thought

The Corinthian

LadyGodivva wrote: »

Tbh i think she could feel you could be pressurizing her for sex.

This does appear to be the case. Thing is, this is a romantic relationship between two adults, in their mid-twenties, in a Western nation in the first quarter of the twenty-first century. That sex is all but non-existent is not normal - he shouldn't have to pressurize anyone, is the thing.

Before anyone gets all upset with me for suggesting that, I'm just pointing out the obvious; in 1914 Ireland, or 2014 Saudi Arabia, one might expect such dynamics, but not 2014 Ireland. That it's occurred is a pretty obvious sign that something is wrong; what, we don't know, but something's not quite right.

Why don't you stop putting any pressure on her, don't even mention sex for a little while, be sweet and romantic and see if it happens naturally, if not then talk to her about it.

What a passive-aggressive solution to what's clearly a passive-aggressive problem? Complete waste of time, and runs the risk of prolonging the problem (as I can guarantee it'll get ignored) and his getting deeper and deeper, emotionally, into a relationship that is fundamentally doomed in the long run, IMHO.

He needs to discuss this with her and see what the issue is and whether they can reach a solution that both of them can realistically accept. If they can't or attempt a solution that both of them cannot realistically accept in the long run or fail to even communicate the issue, then they are both far better off finding out sooner or later, as this represents a fatal incompatibility in the relationship.

LegacyUser

In my opinion I think the girl may feel it's too soon to be having an intimate relationship. I mean the OP did say they have been dating less than three months which means it's been less than twelve weeks since they started dating. As they only see each other a couple of days a week she may have felt a bit rushed into having sex with the OP.

Obviously they don't know each other well enough to be able to discuss the matter with one another. With this in mind, why would the OP feel his girlfriend is ready to have sex with him yet? If they cannot discuss the issue then imo she is not ready. If you are mature enough to have sex you should be mature enough to be able to discuss this problem with her.

When they get to know each other better which will happen gradually over time she may feel more relaxed and emotionally connected to the OP, both of which are very important for women in sexual relationships. If the OP respects her enough he will wait until she is ready to take it to the next level and not pressure her into doing it. Plus by waiting a little longer the OP can discover what she likes and dislikes sexually so that when they do eventually begin to have a healthy sex life that she will orgasm and actually enjoy the sex and not feel like she just has to go through the motions.

ShaShaBear

FIFI2014 wrote: »

With this in mind, why would the OP feel his girlfriend is ready to have sex with him yet?

Because she had sex with him for the guts of an hour and told him it felt good?

Tasden

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Because she had sex with him for the guts of an hour and told him it felt good?

Yeah but having sex one time in the heat of the moment is not the same as having a sexual relationship with someone. Not saying I agree with the posters insinuation that op "assumed" she was ready, its a natural assumption, like you said she told him it felt good etc so he had no reason to question whether she was ready or not. But it may just be that she thought she was ready, it felt good at the time, but the thought of a sexual relationship and feeling expected to have sex every time they are alone may be daunting to her.

ShaShaBear

Tasden wrote: »

Yeah but having sex one time in the heat of the moment is not the same as having a sexual relationship with someone. Not saying I agree with the posters insinuation that op "assumed" she was ready, its a natural assumption, like you said she told him it felt good etc so he had no reason to question whether she was ready or not. But it may just be that she thought she was ready, it felt good at the time, but the thought of a sexual relationship and feeling expected to have sex every time they are alone may be daunting to her.

Well I know that you may well be right, but as a couple, even after three months, this is something she should be discussing with him instead of hiding it. A young woman cannot honestly be of the opinion that she can avoid staying in her partner's house by making excuses and not have sex with him and expect him not to notice?
When myself and my partner went on our first few dates the chemistry was electric - you couldn't leave us alone together. Three months in we were still being very intimate and I was making excuses to invite him up, excuses for him to stay longer etc.

If I stopped having sex with my partner, I would expect to get asked why. And if the sex was awful, I would know that it was either dump him or help him get better at it, not ignore it and keep stringing him along. If I just didn't want to have it for some other reason, I'd feel obligated to tell my partner, and ask if he wanted to continue the relationship with that in mind. I certainly wouldn't make excuses to avoid having sex and expect him to keep seeing me like nothing is wrong.

Gatling

Did anyone stop to think that this girl mightn't actually want sex and more enjoys the company of the op in a friendly companion type situation ,
Rather than saying she has a problem ,
Another reason she might have sex but doesn't achieve orgamasm for what ever reason which in common in a lot of ladies

ElleEm

It does certainly sound like she is avoiding sex, not the OP.
Having sex with someone for the first time with someone can sometimes be awkward, learning each other's rhythm, likes and dislikes, etc. By his own admission, the OP said the sex wasn't great, and the girl didn't orgasm.
The way the OP speaks about it is a bit, I dunno, crude and juvenile or something. Even now that the expectation is there that they should be at it the whole time is clearly not where the girl's head is at.

OP, I am sure at this stage you have spoken to your girlfriend and discussed the issues with her. There are many things that could lead to her not wanting to be intimate with you right now, but sending snotty text messages won't get to the bottom of it.

Tasden

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Well I know that you may well be right, but as a couple, even after three months, this is something she should be discussing with him instead of hiding it. A young woman cannot honestly be of the opinion that she can avoid staying in her partner's house by making excuses and not have sex with him and expect him not to notice?
When myself and my partner went on our first few dates the chemistry was electric - you couldn't leave us alone together. Three months in we were still being very intimate and I was making excuses to invite him up, excuses for him to stay longer etc.

If I stopped having sex with my partner, I would expect to get asked why. And if the sex was awful, I would know that it was either dump him or help him get better at it, not ignore it and keep stringing him along. If I just didn't want to have it for some other reason, I'd feel obligated to tell my partner, and ask if he wanted to continue the relationship with that in mind. I certainly wouldn't make excuses to avoid having sex and expect him to keep seeing me like nothing is wrong.

Oh I agree completely, I'm not saying what she's doing is justified, just explaining why she may be doing it.
I get what you mean about stopping a sexual relationship but maybe she feels she's stopping it in its tracks so that it doesn't become a few sexual encounters where he feels they are establishing that kind of intimate relationship and then her just stopping because its not what she wanted.
I get that a full grown woman should be able to discuss it if that is her issue but maybe she doesn't feel ready for the sex and also doesn't feel ready for the discussions it brings. I mean myself and my partner discussed it very openly even before we were having sex, admittedly we didn't wait very long because we were both ready, and it was talking both jokingly and seriously too, we were comfortable doing so, but maybe she doesn't feel ready for any of that.

I'm only offering another opinion/viewpoint though.

Meauldsegosha

Gatling wrote: »

Did stop to think that this girl mightn't actually want sex and more enjoys the company of the op in a friendly companion type situation

Then it is a friendship and not a relationship and she should let the OP know so he can move on and find someone who does want a relationship.

beks101

You really need to open the communication lines as far as your sex life is concerned with this lady.

Your post is all "I expected" and I was "annoyed and angry", which is fair enough, but given the girl hadn't had sex for a while before you, and your first time was pretty uncomfortable, you putting pressure on her and being in a mood with her because you're not getting laid, is NOT going to help here.

To have sex with you she needs to feel comfortable. Right now, she obviously doesn't feel comfortable. Try to figure out how to change that.

I would suggest:

- talking to her, outside of the bedroom, in a neutral tone, about sex. No anger or pressure, just simply where she stands with you on the matter. Is she sexually attracted to you. What her feelings are after that first time. Does she generally have an appetite for sex?

- spending time with her alone, but doing what she wants to do. Can you spend a weekend together doing stuff she wants to do? Getting closer and intimate in her way, which may or may not include sex?

- when the time crops up again, take it really slow and lots of foreplay. I think a huge thing between men and women can be the ways in which we get turned on, the ways in which we orgasm. Getting in the mood can take longer for a woman and foreplay begins outside the bedroom - feeling cared for, comfortable, wanted. Affection, lots of flirting, gentle teasing. And when it comes to it, lots of kissing, caressing, oral stimulation. Caring about her orgasm.

Now I know this sounds like a lot of work, and tbh OP, it may just be the case that she's "just not that into you" in that way, but happy to string you along as the convenient boyfriend.

But I think one of the above will help you to determine whether or not that's the case.