Need help

onlinerugbylad

I'm male 19 and a repeat leaving student. last year i was captain of the club rugby team and i'm known to shag women and have f*ck buddies have always been conventional and disapproved flamboyancy and im a cruel hateful guy. alwyas considered women objects never cared much for them, had to repeat because i would get really drunk on school nights and i did bad in my tests. but until 3 months ago i didnt realise i was actually gay.

was sitting down on a bench by the river waiting to be collected after a party at a hotel and i was approached by this fella about 4 years older than myself. it was dark but i could see his face well. he sat down and talked with me. i felt something ive never felt around women and was wondering what it all was so i wanted to get closer physically. put my arm around him and started jokingly flirting with him and he did too...about 10 minutes later dad arrived and brought me homme.

at home kept thinkign about him and what might've happened if id stayed there. days would go on and hed be stuck in my head. all thi stime, people would be approaching me talking about rugby and women and raving and they not knowing what's happened.

nobody knows but ive come out to myself. i feel sad because i know im not going to see that fella again. if i told people i am gay nobody would believe me. dont know what my parents think about homosexuality. i feel lonely because i dont know anything about being gay, i have no gay friends there's a stigma and have never really understood discrimination until now. all my friends are male and into women as ive always been and i dont talk about emotions to anyone. feel im going to be miserable for th next 6 months until lc is over. have also lost motivation to study..and im upset this happened at 19 in lc year.

so if anyone knows how to handle this pleaaaaasssseeeeeee tell me becuase i dont know whats what anymore. would say i hadnt cried in about 10 years until last night and i am not one to get emotional about anything. i dont want to be gay but i know i cant help it now and i want to learn to embrace and accept it

Thriftshoppin

Hey bud, your post brought back some unpleasant memories for me. I too repeated my leaving cert, twice. And no, I wasn’t aiming for anything ridiculously high like medicine in case you’re wondering. I repeated for reasons similar to you.

The first time I sat my exams in 2009, my head was in the clouds and I didn’t have a bull’s notion what I wanted to do. Looking back on it I was too young to be heading off to college anyway at that time as I was mollycoddled at home. Results-wise, I didn’t do too bad.. I didn’t fail anything and I had enough points to do an Arts degree at that time. However my CAO was messed up and inevitably, I knew I’d be repeating. I repeated at the same school (something I wish I hadn’t done) and I put in a good bit of work all year. I was focusing on doing something science related and I got 50 points more than I got the year before. Unfortunately that was the year that all the science courses went through the roof (they went up 100 points or so) and I didn’t have a plan B. In a way I’m grateful because science wasn’t my strongest subject area, I was interested in it at the time but in a way it was a blessing in disguise that I didn’t get on a course because now looking back, I can safely say that it wasn’t for me and I would have struggled…. Anyway, another August 14th was spent in feckin limbo and my poor aul mother was boiling the kettle making tea to beat Mrs Doyle!
I don’t know how I summoned the strength to put myself through all that again, but I did. I changed school which was a great thing for me. I went in not knowing anyone and had a clean slate and a fresh start. I had a great year with no social distractions as I was simply there to study, not to make friends. I ended up getting 450 points that year, got my first cao choice and was delighted. That was the only year I actually began to think about leaving home and what I’d study and what I might do in the future etc. (I hadn’t really done it the 2 years before)
As it turns out, all of my original friends had moved on with their studies and followed each other to the same colleges so that they wouldn’t be alone. Some of them are finished and unemployed now, back home with the rents etc. However, I had just spent that last year as a repeat being independent, making friends from scratch in a new environment and I ended up going to college based purely on a course choice and not because so and so was going there. That in itself was the makings of me. Right now I’m in my third year of my degree and currently on my year abroad which is turning out to be one of the best experiences of my life. I’ve made so many great friends from all over Ireland and other parts of the world. It’s incredible to compare where I am now to the lad I was 4 or 5 years ago.

The part I haven’t mentioned yet is that I’m gay. Today I’m happy in my skin, I’m not out to my family yet (no reason to at the moment) but I’m at the stage if they were to ask me, I’d proudly say that I am and I have been since 1991. I’ve told a good few mates and they’ve all been really cool about it. Nothing much about our friendship has changed tbh and I was afraid that it would change everything. Sexuality doesn’t define the person and for me, I’m not just some gay lad …. I’m just a lad that happens to be gay.

Your post really made me think about why I ended up having to repeat my leaving cert and why it took me so long to figure out what I wanted to do in life and the reason is, I hadn’t really accepted myself as a person and remaining at home meant I didn’t have to face reality. I too lost motivation for studying whilst I was repeating. Whilst I knew I was gay long before 2009, I was in complete denial and deep down I felt shame. And when I say denial, I don’t mean that you need to tell people of your sexuality.. You just need to be ok with it yourself, and even if you’re not... work towards being a more all-round decent person and it will all fall into place eventually. The thing about being gay is it can be as big or as little part of your life as you want it to be. And for now, it’s really important that you understand that it only has to be a very small part of your life whilst you get these exams over you. I wish I could go back and tell myself of 2009 that, but I figured it out eventually and it might have worked out for the best. Despite not telling a soul that I was gay at that time, it was such a big deal to me and I was at war with myself and everyone around me didn’t have the foggiest what was going on in my life.

College is incredible and is a world away from your life at the moment. Once you get there and you break away from the small town you grew up in where everyone talks, you’ll be able to experiment and have anonymity in doing so. You’ll meet guys that are closeted and are similar to yourself, into sports; rugby etc. (I’m dead serious, there are a good few) .. There is a lad on the college rugby team where I study that is in the closet and you’d never suspect him. So by all means, you’re never alone. For me, I got chatting to a few lads that were also in the closet and I’m still good mates with them and they’re a big part of me becoming comfortable with myself.

Getting decent results and getting into a college course that interests you should be your main goal right now. Sure it’s only a few more months away and consider it a one way ticket to the best days of your life.

Hope my wee life story provides a bit of insight. If you ever want to chat or need someone to hear you out, I’m only a message away :-)

ninty9er

Hey OP,

At 18 all my friends were guys and into women, at 19 too, at 20 there were some who came out. All I knew about homosexuality was stereotypes, I worked with a gay guy who fit that bill perfectly, but at work you don't really see that side of someone.

I went to a school that would have been a fairly big deal in rugby circles, had good and bad seasons. I did my leaving cert in 2005 and I can safely say that at least 15% of the guys in my year have come out since. There were the obvious suspects, then there were the bolts from the blue.

Like has been said already, this is as big or small a part of your persona as you feel comfortable with. In college there are not only lots and lots and lots of gay guys, but also guys who just want to give sex with a guy a go. Even more so than when I came out this is also the case in schools now too. Though they wouldn't have spoken about it at the time, there were guys having lots of sex with other guys.

Now that you've come out to yourself the most difficult part is done, that bit tormented me for years. If you have any friends with gay or lesbian siblings they would be a good starting point to begin talking about guys with. I don't think it's a requirement anymore to do the 'I'm gay' coming out, just talk about guys the way you talked about girls before.

And remember you can always come back here for advice if there are any issues you come across on the way

Bazinga_N

OP it sounds like you're in shock about it all. When you first come to terms with being gay after being convinced you were straight for 19 years its bound to be a shock. You need some support. There's no rush in coming out, you don't need to tell people until you're ready but it's important to have someone to talk to. This doesn't need to be anyone you know personally, there's plenty of services these days for gay teens. www.belongto.org is an example, or if you're interested there's also a closed Facebook group for lgbt teens in Ireland, many of whom aren't out yet (the group is a 'secret' group, no one besides people in the group can see you're in it so there's no fear of you being outed or anything like that). Regardless of who you talk to, it's just important you don't deal with this alone. It'll eat away at you. Talk to someone!

As a gay teen myself, I remember thinking that no one would understand me. There was no 'out' gay kids at school and I pretty much thought I was alone and that my friends would leave me and I'd get bullied or whatever. After telling one person and talking about it, I finally got my head staight. One year later, I'm completely out, to everyone in school, my friends and my family. You'll be surprised by how many people will respect you and support you. It's 2014, people aren't as close minded as you may think they are PM me if you ever need someone to talk to! Don't go through it alone!

Lou.m

Hello OP pleased to meet you.

Listen I think that your close group of friends will understand and be more concerned about your happiness. :-)

I would say talking to an org specifically for teens would be a great idea. I don't know if you would feel comfortable with this. But is there a Councillor at your school you could talk to? That would really let the school know they need to give you some extra support and they don't need to tell all the teachers if you don't feel like it . They can simply say that you need support.

I know a lot of gay people for whom this seemed to stall there academic life for a while. They all felt a lot better about it once they talked to people. It can seem like life is on hold.

My brother has two friends who are out and they received a lot of support and rallying. The world seems more discriminatory when you are not out.

Also you are an older teen and so your peers are perhaps more concerned with other things like where they are going in life etc. I think they will be able to relate more. Late teens have more cop on.

Coming out to you is the first step to your self acceptance well done!

You are not alone I bet others in your year are in the same boat. There are also many many guys who experiment with same sex relationships at this point in life and that I think is a growing trend.

You can be as out as you feel comfortable with.

And remember college tends to be so much better than school for all but I think especially for gay people.

You are the same human you were a year ago people will see you not your sexual orientation.

And parents are a lot more relaxed pretty much now. When you are ready I am sure you will see they just love you. Don't feel you have to deal with that though on anyone else's timescale but your own.

It is your journey you dictate how long it takes. :-)


The gay community is generally very supportive and I think you will find many people pulling for you.