Partner addicted to sexting - should I leave?

CorkSinead

My man has sexted different women, mostly from an online dating website, from before our relationship started up until recently when I found out. I was pretty devastated. We've been together nearly 4 years and have a baby, and he has 4 kids that I share looking after too.

What do I do?

I love him. Otherwise he's a really good man.

Except that he was madly in love with me and then after I moved in with him started to go emotionally cold. We planned to have a baby, I got pregnant and then he didn't say he loved me for a year. I was going out of my mind with worry about it.

When I found out, he stopped texting, renewed his love for me, and became wonderful once again.

Last week, I found out he'd sexted a couple of women again.

I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. I still love him!

tallaghtmick

CorkSinead wrote: »

My man has sexted different women, mostly from an online dating website, from before our relationship started up until recently when I found out. I was pretty devastated. We've been together nearly 4 years and have a baby, and he has 4 kids that I share looking after too.

What do I do?

I love him. Otherwise he's a really good man.

Except that he was madly in love with me and then after I moved in with him started to go emotionally cold. We planned to have a baby, I got pregnant and then he didn't say he loved me for a year. I was going out of my mind with worry about it.

When I found out, he stopped texting, renewed his love for me, and became wonderful once again.

Last week, I found out he'd sexted a couple of women again.

I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. I still love him!

Ultimatum time, tell him he stops or you're gone. One warning thats it.

jdsk2006

I really hate to say this but that's twice op. TWICE you caught him out - how much do you not know about i wonder. Its all to easy to meet online, start sexting, progress to meeting and start having casual no strings attached sex.....I'm not saying this is what he's having casual sex with these women but i can't for the life of me figure out why any fella would seek women online if not for eventual sex??? There is clearly some sort of sexual gratification being sought after here for him, and you are getting badly hurt

CorkSinead

We have a great sex life. He's quite a sexual person and I am beginning to realise he probably did more than sexting. He had a loyal long marriage before I met him. Then after they broke up, went a bit bananas flirting etc. I thought he was done with all that, and he was the one who really wanted me to move in with him and become committed.

I have asked him to move out and told him I can't take any more.

But it's such a waste, we have huge potential, have a great time with each other, suit each other really well. Our baby is gorgeous. But it's like he's having way too much fun on the side and has got away with it so long.

He did completely stop for the last 5 months. But started the minute I left to visit my family.

Such a shame to throw it all away. But I feel cornered, the trust is so damaged now.

Has anyone sexted themselves? Overcome infedelity successfully? Is there any hope at all and if so, what is the best way to go about it?

he clearly doesnt feel like he is doing anything wrong.
does he believe that this is a form of cheating?

a friend of mine found out her husband was sexting other women, during a very stressful time for them.
couple of years later, she found his secret mobile phone where he was at it again. and sending videos. and as she says he could've been meeting any of them, doing anything.
she couldnt possibly ever trust him again and he was gone.
they had a 6month old, a two year old and a four year old at the time. and she had a teenage daughter.

tbh, if it was me, once you get a chance. second time......bye bye.

jdsk2006

Its a shame, really sounds like you two had a good thing going between ye but for some reason its not enough for him. I presume he didn't cheat in his marraige going by what you said so he is capable of fidelity.
Ya i absolutely think couples can overcome this type of thing but ONLY when the truth is out in the open and the cheater is fully commited to changing.....in all honesty i feel professional guidance is the only way in that situation.

You did the right thing asking him to move out. Now let him pack, arrange access to your child, say goodbye and let him go- it won't be easy op. Sit back and watch his next moves.....that will tell you everything you need to know. If he wants you he will fight for you. In the meantime get yourself out and about, use the time to catch up wit friends and pay attention to yourself.....i promise ya he will notice!

CorkSinead

Thanks all of you.

I think I do need to let him go. If he wants to fight for me, that's up to him. He needs to re evaluate everything and I need to get on with looking after the kids, and try to rebuild my confidence.

It takes so long to find a good match - it really doesn't happen every day. What a waste!!!

jdsk2006

[quote="CorkSinead;88289810"

It takes so long to find a good match - it really doesn't happen every day. What a waste!!![/quote]

Its not a good match if it means compromising your happiness and security.

CorkSinead

Yes you are right. Potential good match. Our first year was amazing. But he was sexting even then! Even if he said he'd cut it right down.

But since he stopped for 5 months he said he felt like he'd got his life back, and that he was so grateful in a way to have been called out.

It's just so worrying that he did it again. It's like he can't see how utterly awful it's affect on me is. But then again, he didn't expect to get caught and had advertised as 'just for one weekend'. He thinks he can contain it. Like he has lost sight of the fact that he is with a human being who is directly in real pain as a consequence, and his baby son... everyone.

MugMugs

I believe you've answered your own question here op. If you have an issue with him texting (which I can understand why you'd have a problem) and if he is unable to restrain himself from doing something that clearly upsets you I really can't see what choice you've got left!

jdsk2006

CorkSinead wrote: »

Yes you are right. Potential good match. Our first year was amazing. But he was sexting even then! Even if he said he'd cut it right down.

But since he stopped for 5 months he said he felt like he'd got his life back, and that he was so grateful in a way to have been called out.

It's just so worrying that he did it again. It's like he can't see how utterly awful it's affect on me is. But then again, he didn't expect to get caught and had advertised as 'just for one weekend'. He thinks he can contain it. Like he has lost sight of the fact that he is with a human being who is directly in real pain as a consequence, and his baby son... everyone.

Sounds like he has an addiction of some sort ....i know some would say that's a cop out but maybe he needs to explore himself professionally.

You poor girl, have you anyone to talk to?

Usermm88

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Thanks
Taltos>

Chefrio

Would you consider an open relationship OP?

Gyalist

CorkSinead wrote: »

Thanks all of you.

I think I do need to let him go. If he wants to fight for me, that's up to him. He needs to re evaluate everything and I need to get on with looking after the kids, and try to rebuild my confidence.

Why are you looking after his children? No wonder he has the the time and energy to be sexting other women.

Stavro Mueller

The only way a relationship can recover from setbacks like these is if both people want to work to save it. Perhaps as a last ditch attempt to save this, it might be worth considering counselling. It's not a magic wand though and if you think you'll always have that nagging little voice in the back of your head...

tinkerbell

You need to wake up. Sorry if this is being too harsh on you but you seriously need to come to terms with reality here.

He was sending inappropriate messages to women before. You caught him doing so. You decided to let it slide and give him another chance. Fair enough.

However...He's started sending inappropriate messages AGAIN the minute you go to visit your family. God only knows what else he is doing behind your back - I would guess that it's way more than texting.

Why are you even wasting any minute with him any longer? He's done it twice now. As the saying goes - "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". You are being played for a fool here.

Either (a) you leave him, build your self confidence back up again and move on (because clearly your self esteem is at a major low if you are making excuses for him) or (b) give it one more shot but ONLY if he agrees to couples counselling and you BOTH want it to work out. If he has no intention changing, there is no point in counselling.

I understand you have a baby with him so that makes it very difficult to leave but if you stay in an unhappy, cheating relationship it will eventually have an effect on your child as children pick up these things if mom / dad is unhappy.

And why are you minding his children, rather than a joint effort considering you have a baby to look after who takes much more time than older kids. No wonder he has time to be flirting with other women, meeting them, etc.

GreeBo

I think to a lot of people sexting is similar to porn, except it has ego boosting properties.

I would disagree that sexting typically means that he is physically cheating on you OP. Whether or not sexting is cheating is down to personal opinionand also, imo, down to what he is getting from it and why he does it.

I would say he is probably addicted to it as another poster said. Its an ego boosting thing that is also giving him physical pleasure (even if he has never met someone as part of it)

I think you need to talk about it frankly, get him to possibly talk to someone about what is missing from the relationship that he is getting from sexting, or maybe even what is just missing in his own lift that he is filling with this...he could be depressed or down on himself and this is a "positive" in his life. Its alwaysnice to have someone interested in you, even if it is in text format.

Cupcake_Crisis

Op, has your partner ever openly admitted to actually being to sexting? Would he not be willing to get help, ie counselling, for this addiction id it meant saving the relationship?

I can only imagine how damaging this would be to your self esteem and is not healthy for either of you. If he's not willing to get help, you need to realise that you deserve better.

Just out of curiosity, would he ever text you like that?

ncmc

CorkSinead wrote: »

My man has sexted different women, mostly from an online dating website, from before our relationship started up until recently when I found out. I was pretty devastated. We've been together nearly 4 years and have a baby, and he has 4 kids that I share looking after too.

What do I do?

I love him. Otherwise he's a really good man.

Except that he was madly in love with me and then after I moved in with him started to go emotionally cold. We planned to have a baby, I got pregnant and then he didn't say he loved me for a year. I was going out of my mind with worry about it.

When I found out, he stopped texting, renewed his love for me, and became wonderful once again.

Last week, I found out he'd sexted a couple of women again.

I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. I still love him!

Aside from the sexting, which is bad enough in itself, this part of your OP really stood out for me. He was madly in love with you until you moved in together and went cold on you. He didn’t say he loved you for a whole year while you were having his baby??? This would set off massive alarm bells for me. Having a planned baby together should be one of the most wonderful times of your relationship and the fact that he was emotionally closed to you strikes me as VERY odd.

I wonder if he is one of these guys that loves the thrill of the chase, and then loses interest once he has what he wants. That would carry through to the sexting, he obviously gets a buzz from the heady early days of a relationship.

I wouldn’t be terribly optimistic for your future together to be quite honest, the continued sexting after you found out plus the fact that he intermittently closes down on you emotionally – I think the only way forward for you is intensive councilling. If he won’t agree to that, then I think you have your answer. Best of luck OP.

mangotracy

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Op, has your partner ever openly admitted to actually being to sexting? Would he not be willing to get help, ie counselling, for this addiction id it meant saving the relationship?

I can only imagine how damaging this would be to your self esteem and is not healthy for either of you. If he's not willing to get help, you need to realise that you deserve better.

Just out of curiosity, would he ever text you like that?

Thanks for taking the time to reply. He's only just admitted that it is sexting. He's told no one else, none of his friends, he seems very ashamed. He likes to see himself as a 'good man' and as someone who's a classy, good tastes, a good father but also likes that people used to see him as 'good with the women'. I've told him that to be brutally honest, even if he were single again, you can't be a good dad and also 'good with the women' - it's too unstable for kids to see their Dad have lots of girlfriends and to be going out all the time.

And no, weirdly he NEVER texts me like that. Although our sex life has always been great, he'd say to me it was brilliant and enough for any man. Maybe he was just trying to save me pain.

mangotracy

ncmc wrote: »

Aside from the sexting, which is bad enough in itself, this part of your OP really stood out for me. He was madly in love with you until you moved in together and went cold on you. He didn’t say he loved you for a whole year while you were having his baby??? This would set off massive alarm bells for me. Having a planned baby together should be one of the most wonderful times of your relationship and the fact that he was emotionally closed to you strikes me as VERY odd.

I wonder if he is one of these guys that loves the thrill of the chase, and then loses interest once he has what he wants. That would carry through to the sexting, he obviously gets a buzz from the heady early days of a relationship.

I wouldn’t be terribly optimistic for your future together to be quite honest, the continued sexting after you found out plus the fact that he intermittently closes down on you emotionally – I think the only way forward for you is intensive councilling. If he won’t agree to that, then I think you have your answer. Best of luck OP.

Yes this is the saddest part of all for me. We'd planned this baby and yet I spent the pregnancy feeling unloved. He was caring but emotionally distant. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.

He was married, loyally, for 15 years, from the age of 21. He took on his wife's baby from another man, adopted the child as his own and spent all that time being completely devoted but they were never compatible. He'd been separate for 5 years when I met him and I thought he'd got rid of his 'delayed teenage' promiscuity. It was him that persuaded me to move in with him, he seemed completely into me and completely committed to a relationship.

But his behaviour to me is completely different, it is of a man who is still into doing whatever he wants and being selfish and uncaring.

I've told him I'm at the end of my tether and that our relationship is over. I've said that if he really does love me and wants it to work, he has to come up with a real plan (ie counselling or similar) and fight for it. I don't know how you can win trust back a second time. Maybe it is impossible. Otherwise forget it. I can't be treated like this any more.

mangotracy

GreeBo wrote: »

I think to a lot of people sexting is similar to porn, except it has ego boosting properties.

I would disagree that sexting typically means that he is physically cheating on you OP. Whether or not sexting is cheating is down to personal opinionand also, imo, down to what he is getting from it and why he does it.

I would say he is probably addicted to it as another poster said. Its an ego boosting thing that is also giving him physical pleasure (even if he has never met someone as part of it)

I think you need to talk about it frankly, get him to possibly talk to someone about what is missing from the relationship that he is getting from sexting, or maybe even what is just missing in his own lift that he is filling with this...he could be depressed or down on himself and this is a "positive" in his life. Its alwaysnice to have someone interested in you, even if it is in text format.

Thanks for this. He's been doing this for the last 5 years he says, we've been together for the last 4. He said the did it because he was lonely, and used to be really shy. But he said he got too into it, and didn't stop even when in other, short term relationships. He said that he was really happy with me but failed to completely stop, he just did less of it. He says he just let it carry on, telling himself it wasn't really hurting anybody, and used it as an emotional crutch whenever I was away in the UK (I'm from there). He has met up with a few women but swears nothing actually happened.

mangotracy

cymbaline wrote: »

The only way a relationship can recover from setbacks like these is if both people want to work to save it. Perhaps as a last ditch attempt to save this, it might be worth considering counselling. It's not a magic wand though and if you think you'll always have that nagging little voice in the back of your head...

Yes, I was so loyal to this relationship and tried so hard, because I felt that finally we'd both found really compatible partners. We are both a bit odd! And young for our years. I, for one, did believe that it's worth really working hard once you've found a relationship that is potentially good.

It's my partner who always wavered. So either he just isn't bothered enough to try for me. Which is a reason for me to run away and give up.

Or all of this is him in an unhealthy and childish way running away from his responsibilties and from just sticking with it.

I've decided that it can only (possibly) work is HE is the one to instigate the counselling etc. If he doesn't want it. There's no point.

kylith

mangotracy wrote: »

He has met up with a few women but swears nothing actually happened.

This is a huge red flag; people who cheat will only admit to what they've been caught in. He would have sworn he wasn't sexting until you caught him. Now he's admitting that he has met women but swears he hasn't slept with them, do you really believe that? If he didn't sleep with them why did he meet them? I'd bet that his next confession will be that he kissed them, but will swear that it didn't go any farther.

GreeBo

mangotracy wrote: »

Thanks for this. He's been doing this for the last 5 years he says, we've been together for the last 4. He said the did it because he was lonely, and used to be really shy. But he said he got too into it, and didn't stop even when in other, short term relationships. He said that he was really happy with me but failed to completely stop, he just did less of it. He says he just let it carry on, telling himself it wasn't really hurting anybody, and used it as an emotional crutch whenever I was away in the UK (I'm from there). He has met up with a few women but swears nothing actually happened.

Whatever about texting, meeting up would be beyond the beyonds for me.

I think you need to make him understand that he is in this relationship with you, there isnt room for anyone else, virtually or certainly not physically.

Best of luck OP.

CaraMay

Op you have to wonder the true reason for splitting up with his wife.

He really has treated you appallingly and you have made the best move to protect your own mental and emotional health. This man can't tell the truth and probably never will.

Why go to the bother of meeting people if you don't WANT something to happen? The fact they something did or didn't happen is secondary. The intent was there and all the groundwork had been laid.

Hope you are ok. Take support from friends and family where you can and if they want to know why it's finished tell them. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Fridge

It sounds like you've had an awful time of it. You clearly have very strong feelings for him that aren't reciprocated : not saying he loves you for a year, sexting actual women and meeting up with him (hardly the same as porn), and repeating the offence enough to actually get caught!
These are not the actions of someone madly in love.

You say it's a waste because you got on so well and you're such a great match. Some people are good at manipulating others. They can have a great time with you and yet not actually feel loyal to you.
Waste your time, yes.

And also, is this really an "addiction"? I mean yes, there probably are some actual sex addicts out there, but most people just like it a lot and some will cheat if they can get away with it. Did you make yourself completely unavailable to him so much so that he needed to go elsewhere? If not, you really need to accept he wasn't loyal to you and it was his fault.

Matteroffact

I feel he could love you OP but it isn't enough for him. He wants the buzz of the interaction with other women and he is addicted to that. He gets a thrill out of getting away with it and when he is caught he spins a line that you believe and then he is off the hook again for a while before it all starts up again. He can't settle for one woman even though he does love you. I don't think he will ever change so you need to let him go or you will be forever watching him, and his phone. He is not going to give it up no matter what he promises. He has proved this.