25,shy and never had a girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'm 25(m) and have never had a girlfriend. Im quite a shy person and generally lacking in confidence. Im living at home at the moment in a rural area.In sec. school I had some good friends and seem to have lost touch with them as we went different paths with college etc. In college in the 1st year or two I had made some good friends but we fell out and things got sour and thus I spent the last 2 years in general isolation, with no friends, focusing on finishing my degree. Currently it is 2 years since I graduated so it is approx. 4 years since I had any text or call me, bar family.

I also have remained unemployed since I finished. At the start I was very proactive in applying for positions but rejection after rejection seems to have knocked my confidence and Im just not as eager to apply for much when you know you're probably getting rejected again. In 2nd year( in college) when I was at my "confidence peak"( for want of a better phrase), I got feedback for a job interview saying I was very quiet. This knocked my confidence as I was trying my hardest to impress and thought ,while not perfect, I had maintained a good conversation flow throughout and came across well. I have never had a job before as I focused on school and then college.I don't want to dwell too much on this unemployment issue and I know my shyness and confidence is at the heart of how I perform in interviews and if I can improve this somewhat then gaining employment should follow.

Having had so few friends and being shy, I can nearly count on two hands the amount of girls Ive had proper conversations with since the start of secondary school(boys school). There was a quiet girl in 6th year in our class (from the other school) that I quite fancied and I wanted to ask her to the debs. I got her number from her friend through one of my male friends. I text her and asked. Obviously she said no. Stupid looking back on it. In college I became friendly with a mutual friend and was texting her. End result she accused me of harassing her and was the root of how I fell out my friends. I would get nervous speaking to her in person but could say more through texting. Tbh I dont believe I was ever interested in her in a romantic sense. I just liked the idea of being friendly with a girl. Thats all in the past now but it does give you an idea of my negative and limited experiences with women. I am aware my approaches are all wrong and I have to be able to communicate in person to get a girl to like me. Anything else just seems to come off as creepy.

Seeing former school mates with their children and seeing couples on the tv nearly all the time just seems to reinforce my lack of progress in relation to women. Im at an age where Id love to be have been sharing Christmas with my partner and possible child. Im well aware that you cant just "get" a girlfriend. Its all about building the foundations with a solid circle of friends and then finding someone you really click with. Its just getting to that stage that seems to be the problem. To sum up the above and how its affected me. Its been a real blow to my confidence which in turn has made me retreat more and made me more shy. Ive found that I struggle with general smalltalk and striking up conversation. Even moreso in the past year or so.

Thanks in advance for reading this. I hope the structure is fine and I welcome all your advice and opinions.

hardCopy

Hi OP,

At 25 you've no need to panic about having kids but it is important to have some kind of social outlet, having male friends is as important as finding a girlfriend. The job scene is generally pretty crap at the moment so try not to take it personally.

You don't mention anything about your day to day life, do you get out of the house much these days?

Have you been applying for jobs throughout the country or just in your locality?

mfergus

Hi op.

Could you join a club or some kind of voluntary organisation? You need to interact with people. You're not going to make friends at home.

As the above poster stated, having male friends are just as important. Then you can start going out and meeting new people and open a new window of opportunity.

Forget about kids and settling down. Plenty of time for that!

Also, maybe apply for a different job while you wait for a position to become available in the field which you have studied(only assuming you might not have).
If you got a job for the weekends in a bar you would meet loads of new people from staff to customers, male to female...etc.

Usually I don't post on these but in this case it sounds like it's a massive problem but can be solved relatively easily by simply getting out more.

Best of luck, op.

SQ2

+1 on the bar work, it's brilliant for bringing people out of their shell. Work for free if you need to just for experience, if it's possible. A busy one preferable.

SQ2

+1 on the bar work, it's brilliant for bringing people out of their shell. Work for free if you need to just for experience, if it's possible. A busy one preferable.

beks101

It sounds like you desperately need a change of scene.

Would you consider moving abroad? Lots more opportunity on the job front, which I think adds to a person's confidence immeasurably. And it would open up new social avenues to you too.

fillefatale

beks101 wrote: »

It sounds like you desperately need a change of scene.

Would you consider moving abroad? Lots more opportunity on the job front, which I think adds to a person's confidence immeasurably. And it would open up new social avenues to you too.

Agreed. I'm in a similar situation OP, moved home to a rural area and have little social life here. I have participated in voluntary events, and its a good way to draw you out of your shell. I've had little luck on the job front so am hoping to attain a visa so I can seek opportunities abroad. I find you can become complacent being in the one place for a while with no light ahead. We need to do something that scares us (like moving abroad) and shake off that complacency. Theres a big world out there, you'll regret it later if you feel like this now and don't move out of that small town bubble. Once you find a new life somewhere else, the rest can follow, like relationships and new friends.

Good luck OP!

wp_rathead

Hey OP

sounds like you're in "fishbowl mode" - need change scenery (happened to myself)

Is there anything stopping you from moving out of your home environment?

+1 on the Voluntary idea

Of course living out rural is an issue - I come the the shticks myself and am aware how isolated it can get

Not my place to say what you should be focusing on, but I would be more concerned* with bit you said about " it is approx. 4 years since I had any text or call me, bar family" than the "never had a girlfriend" issue..

Plus like you say yourself "its all about building the foundations with a solid circle of friends and then finding someone you really click with".

Also, may sound corny, but if you are member on boards, check what ever region you are in as there are often "beers" going on and is good way to meet people

*concerned prob not right word - but brain is bit fried atm ha

ivytwine

Hey OP, even if you are not up to moving abroad at the moment, would you consider moving somewhere like Dublin or Cork?

Yes it is very expensive to get started but maybe your parents might give you a dig out? They have surely noticed your situation. What about siblings? Are any of them based in a city and you could stay with them until you get on your feet?

Do you drive OP?

Plus a million to the poster who said about barwork. If you can get trained in it it's ideal for bringing you out of your shell. I worked in a bookies for years during college and it did wonders for making me able to talk and stand up for myself. I was a little 17 year old mouse when I started and by the end I was talking down dirty ould fellas and alcos :P

Don't reject things out of hand because you didn't study for them, I'm afraid the way things are at the minute you have to take what you can get.

I am a little younger than you and tbh I think it's madness to be settling down and having kids at this stage, so don't worry there. I see people I went to school with getting engaged and having kids and I just think it's cracked. Maybe it's my family background. Both my parents got married ridiculously young (not to each other lol) and they have instilled into me that's better to wait and be more mature. Not criticising anyone who does do it early, but it's not for everyone.

You have a lot to experience yet before you get to that stage. The fact that you are still dwelling on events that happened in secondary school shows that. Look that stuff was years ago, teen drama stuff and you can't let it colour your relationships now.

You can't wait for life to come to you I'm afraid. The perfect girl and the perfect job are not going to bang down your door. You have to go out and get them.

carzony

Isolation is a horrible feeling and gets worse and even more lonely as you get older..

Op I have been in your position my whole life. Maybe the only difference is for the most part I chose to be on my own because like you i'm extremely shy and don't do well in crowds. I find as a consiquence of hiding myself away from the world I have started to feel trapped and even wonder if i'll ever have a family or even a girlfriend.


I started in the civil defence which has got me talking to a good few women/people. It really helps to get out even once a week..

I wouldnt worry about the girlfriend part to much just yet.. If you get out there and meet other people it will happen for you..

ivytwine

ivytwine wrote: »

Hey OP, even if you are not up to moving abroad at the moment, would you consider moving somewhere like Dublin or Cork?

I'm not bashing this, just wanted to share my experience.

Moving to a city won't change things by itself - I went from 2007 to 2012 in Dublin without having any friends of my own. If you don't pro-actively do something to change it then you can be just as lonely in a big city too.

LegacyUser

Hi its the OP here. Thanks for all your replies so far. They've definitely given me some focus and drive on where I need to go and what to do to address the problems at hand.

Firstly one point that a lot of ye focused on was my mention of settling down with a family. That is a wish I have for the future and not necessarily at present. My mention of it was just a fear that if I don't actually improve my isolation or "goldfish bowl" scene, then these dreams and plans will possibly never happen.

Secondly on the mention of bar work. My first thoughts of that were that I'd hate working there tbh. I'm not a fan of the whole pub/club scene and am not into drinking. I hate the taste of most beers. I just find them places far too noisy, I don't have a particularly loud voice so I just found myself having to repeat everything I say 3 or 4 times. Obviously that would put you off saying much at all in that envionment. That's my experience of them places as a customer. Sounds pretty negative. Having said all that, seeing as so many have recommended it I will not and cannot dismiss it fully. I would much prefer the bookie environment though tbh and have applied for some of these positions in the past. Higher up (HQ) positions mainly with 1 or 2 vacancies in local shops. I do have quite an interest in all sport (as a viewer rather than a participant) so am much more open to working in that environment. To develop more on the work issue, I have applied for positions near where I went to college and my locality. I understand completely that my problems I presented in the OP will not fix themselves by remaining at home. I come from a farming background but tbh that way if life has never interested me at all. I always had far more interest in academics and using my brain. If I'm honest in the past year I have not applied for half enough jobs so that is the first issue I must address. From now I'm going to put a proper effort into applications and be more open to distant locations. After that If I'm unsuccessful then I can blame the economy if you like. Getting a job is probably my best way of getting out of this fishbowl scene and come out of my shell. To respond to the emigration point, I wouldn't consider it at the moment and id worry i would get too isolated over there. Would probably be a case of too much too soon.

On another point I have access to a car but on a learner permit so thats almost the same as getting a lift with all these accompanied driver rules. I have done a test before but didn't have use of a car at the time. If I practise and get the full licence that will open a lot more doors on a social level and possible work locations. I am overweight since I was 10 or 11. I intend to lose about 1 or 2 stone and with the new year there is probably no better time to start this. I had plans to get active and start running over a year or two ago but just never ever started it. That is one annoying trait I have- having goals and plans and not doing one single thing to achieve them.


Thank you for your replies and I would welcome more feedback.

SQ2

Just on the bar work, it forces you to communicate, be it with other staff or customers... you don't have to be a drinker. Sometimes you have to shout, more times just be firm, but you'll have no option other than to talk to lots of different people every single day.

Whatever you do, don't wait for next month to do it.
Keep us posted and good luck.

shyandlonely wrote: »

Hi its the OP here. Thanks for all your replies so far. They've definitely given me some focus and drive on where I need to go and what to do to address the problems at hand.

Firstly one point that a lot of ye focused on was my mention of settling down with a family. That is a wish I have for the future and not necessarily at present. My mention of it was just a fear that if I don't actually improve my isolation or "goldfish bowl" scene, then these dreams and plans will possibly never happen.

Secondly on the mention of bar work. My first thoughts of that were that I'd hate working there tbh. I'm not a fan of the whole pub/club scene and am not into drinking. I hate the taste of most beers. I just find them places far too noisy, I don't have a particularly loud voice so I just found myself having to repeat everything I say 3 or 4 times. Obviously that would put you off saying much at all in that envionment. That's my experience of them places as a customer. Sounds pretty negative. Having said all that, seeing as so many have recommended it I will not and cannot dismiss it fully. I would much prefer the bookie environment though tbh and have applied for some of these positions in the past. Higher up (HQ) positions mainly with 1 or 2 vacancies in local shops. I do have quite an interest in all sport (as a viewer rather than a participant) so am much more open to working in that environment. To develop more on the work issue, I have applied for positions near where I went to college and my locality. I understand completely that my problems I presented in the OP will not fix themselves by remaining at home. I come from a farming background but tbh that way if life has never interested me at all. I always had far more interest in academics and using my brain. If I'm honest in the past year I have not applied for half enough jobs so that is the first issue I must address. From now I'm going to put a proper effort into applications and be more open to distant locations. After that If I'm unsuccessful then I can blame the economy if you like. Getting a job is probably my best way of getting out of this fishbowl scene and come out of my shell. To respond to the emigration point, I wouldn't consider it at the moment and id worry i would get too isolated over there. Would probably be a case of too much too soon.

On another point I have access to a car but on a learner permit so thats almost the same as getting a lift with all these accompanied driver rules. I have done a test before but didn't have use of a car at the time. If I practise and get the full licence that will open a lot more doors on a social level and possible work locations. I am overweight since I was 10 or 11. I intend to lose about 1 or 2 stone and with the new year there is probably no better time to start this. I had plans to get active and start running over a year or two ago but just never ever started it. That is one annoying trait I have- having goals and plans and not doing one single thing to achieve them.


Thank you for your replies and I would welcome more feedback.

ivytwine

SQ2 wrote: »

Just on the bar work, it forces you to communicate, be it with other staff or customers... you don't have to be a drinker. Sometimes you have to shout, more times just be firm, but you'll have no option other than to talk to lots of different people every single day.

Whatever you do, don't wait for next month to do it.
Keep us posted and good luck.

Absolutely, you wouldn't have to work in a nightclub either, if you could get your foot in the door of an 'old man pub' you wouldn't have to put up with the noise of a bar aimed at younger people.

Plus not being a drinker while working in a bar is probably a good thing.

Perhaps working in a bookies would suit you better. Personally it did wonders for me. You have to work very closely with your colleagues behind the counter, developing team work and closer interpersonal relationships. Also, most staff in bookies are women (often older women!) so that might help you improve your social skills with women.

Now until March is a good time to apply as there will be late opening from April on and they will need extra staff. It might only be a summer position (they have been trying to get late opening for the winter for the last few years but it hasn't happened yet). Even a summer job will help you a lot.

Emphasise your interest in sports and any maths skills you may have.

Your best bet (haha) are the larger chains such as Paddy Power and Ladbrokes, the independents are struggling a bit and my experience with an independent is that you don't really get proper training. Paddy Power however are excellent for training and development.

On Karsini's point about moving to a city, I completely agree. You have to force yourself out even more in a city (Dublin in particular because it's so big and people are scattered everywhere!) but the employment situation might be better there.

I know the feeling of aiming towards something and just not doing it, but make 2014 your year OP. A year to get a job, get driving and get fit. The rest will follow I promise.

Getting fit doesn't have to cost you anything, running/walking is free and it feels great. Take a close look at your diet also and see what you can change there

Good luck OP, you can do this