awkwardness amongst a female work colleague.

Amprodude

At a work xmas party last year, this girl who i work with and get on with was out and was looking very well. I was drunk and she was drunk but we get on good. Anyway we had a few drinks together, she is a married woman with kids by the way.

After a few drinks she shared her feelings towards me and said she would love to jump into bed with me etc. I told her i would love to do that as well but she is married which would stop me.

Anyway the two of us went out the back of pub and she said she wanted to kiss me. She made a move on me but i stopped her and told her she was taking a big risk. She was disapointed but i told her you will thank me when she is sober despite me being drunk too. She got upset and said that she would never have a chance to kiss me and said that no one would know or find out about us.I gave her a big hug and said i really love you but i cant ruin your marriage and it would be unfair on your husband. Anyway her friends took her home after that when we came back into pub. She texted me twice over xmas and i texted back like my normal self.

However she is now slightly blanking and ignoring me at work. She isnt looking me in the face. She isnt a shy person but full of self confidence. I feel awkward because of this. I normally wouldnt feel awkward after something like this but to my knowledge i actually didnt do anything wrong bar saying i would jump into bed with her too to her face.
Dont know what to do. Cant tell anyone just in case and dont want anyone knowing at work. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

professore

You were a gentleman. She is either ashamed of herself, or has a new target for her twisted plans.

beks101

You did nothing wrong, she's acting awkward because she knows that SHE did something wrong and in the sober light of day, she realized how inappropriate it was. Perhaps she feels a little over-exposed, given how she poured her heart out to you and you essentially rejected her (for very, very good reasons. Fair play to you)

Just continue being civil and friendly to her, but don't go out of your way. Keep one-on-one contact to a minimal. The awkwardness will pass soon if you ignore it and don't bring up what happened between you two.

In short, it's her problem, not yours.

Sephiroth_dude

Amprodude wrote: »

At a work xmas party last year, this girl who i work with and get on with was out and was looking very well. I was drunk and she was drunk but we get on good. Anyway we had a few drinks together, she is a married woman with kids by the way.

After a few drinks she shared her feelings towards me and said she would love to jump into bed with me etc. I told her i would love to do that as well but she is married which would stop me.

Anyway the two of us went out the back of pub and she said she wanted to kiss me. She made a move on me but i stopped her and told her she was taking a big risk. She was disapointed but i told her you will thank me when she is sober despite me being drunk too. She got upset and said that she would never have a chance to kiss me and said that no one would know or find out about us.I gave her a big hug and said i really love you but i cant ruin your marriage and it would be unfair on your husband. Anyway her friends took her home after that when we came back into pub. She texted me twice over xmas and i texted back like my normal self.

However she is now slightly blanking and ignoring me at work. She isnt looking me in the face. She isnt a shy person but full of self confidence. I feel awkward because of this. I normally wouldnt feel awkward after something like this but to my knowledge i actually didnt do anything wrong bar saying i would jump into bed with her too to her face.
Dont know what to do. Cant tell anyone just in case and dont want anyone knowing at work. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Fair play to ya man you did the right thing.

LegacyUser

I reckon she is feeling at least two things

1. Embarrassed that she threw herself at you and expressed these feelings. If she is a proud and self confident woman then she is probably used to being in control and by being willing to cheat on her husband with you she exposed the depth of her desire for you. That is something which can make a person feel vulnerable, particularly when the advances were rejected...

2. Somewhat feeling her ego has been bruised as you basically rejected her (despite the fact you expressed your desire for her you ultimately still rejected her). Women like to think themselves the ones in control where sex is concerned...9/10 times if you offer a man (single) who finds you attractive sex he will be more than happy to oblige!

You did the right thing by the way, she is just in self defense mode now..You can't go back to being flirty office friends now, just be co-workers and keep it professional. It could easily come back up on a work night out when booze is in the mix but for the sober light of day in the work environment I think its best just to grin and bear it, let her keep her frosty distance and let the awkwardness and fresh feelings pass. She is allowed to feel hurt/annoyed/embarrassed by your rejection despite the fact that your rejection was for the best!!

wallycharlo

Well played OP.

Not only did you do the right thing from a moral perspective, but you've most likely preventing the opening of a large sack of wasps, as these work + married woman situations very rarely end in anything other than tears, and could end up stinging you on several fronts.

sligoface

Well if you would have banged her it would be pretty awkward at work now also, probably even more so. Fair play to you for doing the right thing even while drunk, plenty guys would be unable to resist that offer when a few bevvies were had. She's mortified, rightly so, but you actually saved her from loads more embarrassment if any one from work or her friends who know she is married found out about it or saw you kissing her. Just don't tell anyone at work so she doesn't get more embarrassed, and go about your business as usual.

Chazz Michael Michaels

Amprodude wrote: »

At a work xmas party last year, this girl who i work with and get on with was out and was looking very well. I was drunk and she was drunk but we get on good. Anyway we had a few drinks together, she is a married woman with kids by the way.

After a few drinks she shared her feelings towards me and said she would love to jump into bed with me etc. I told her i would love to do that as well but she is married which would stop me.

Anyway the two of us went out the back of pub and she said she wanted to kiss me. She made a move on me but i stopped her and told her she was taking a big risk. She was disapointed but i told her you will thank me when she is sober despite me being drunk too. She got upset and said that she would never have a chance to kiss me and said that no one would know or find out about us.I gave her a big hug and said i really love you but i cant ruin your marriage and it would be unfair on your husband. Anyway her friends took her home after that when we came back into pub. She texted me twice over xmas and i texted back like my normal self.

However she is now slightly blanking and ignoring me at work. She isnt looking me in the face. She isnt a shy person but full of self confidence. I feel awkward because of this. I normally wouldnt feel awkward after something like this but to my knowledge i actually didnt do anything wrong bar saying i would jump into bed with her too to her face.
Dont know what to do. Cant tell anyone just in case and dont want anyone knowing at work. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

You handled that perfectly.

Stavro Mueller

I'd have been more surprised if things hadn't been awkward as hell actually. And no matter how much you try to laugh it off as the drink talking or whatever, neither of you can ever unsay what was said. My advice to you would be to keep things polite and professional between the pair of you but leave it at that. I'm not sure you can ever truly go back to being friends any more.

jippo nolan

professore wrote: »

You were a gentleman. She is either ashamed of herself, or has a new target for her twisted plans.

What makes you think the OP is a man?

Amprodude

jippo nolan wrote: »

What makes you think the OP is a man?

I am.

Matteroffact

She is looking for notice by acting like this. It would serve her better to act normal. My guess is that she fancies you so now that you know what is on her mind steer clear of her.

jdsk2006

Maybe she is not familiar with being rejected!

Amprodude

The thing i hate about this is the awkwardness thats going to exist between us eventhough i for one would be prepared to put everything behind us and move on again. I actually arent too concerned of what she said to me about kissing me and stuff. I just hate falling out with people and this awkwardness is as good as falling out with a person.

Meauldsegosha

Amprodude wrote: »

The thing i hate about this is the awkwardness thats going to exist between us eventhough i for one would be prepared to put everything behind us and move on again. I actually arent too concerned of what she said to me about kissing me and stuff. I just hate falling out with people and this awkwardness is as good as falling out with a person.

You just have to give it some time. She's embarrassed. I bet every time she sees you she relives a bit of the night. Eventually the embarrassment will fade and so will the awkwardness. You should keep acting as you did before that night and it will be fine.

Tramps Like Us

OP you say in your post that you said you loved her, do you really? If so you might want to do something other than pretend everything is normal

Amprodude

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

OP you say in your post that you said you loved her, do you really? If so you might want to do something other than pretend everything is normal

I like her but she is married and I respect that. What would you suggest me to do other than pretend everything is normal?

Tramps Like Us

Amprodude wrote: »

I like her but she is married and I respect that. What would you suggest me to do other than pretend everything is normal?

Well I was thinking that if you love her it must be pretty crap seeing her everyday and knowing you'll never be with her - but if you only fancy her then its no big deal and just carry on as normal

LegacyUser

OP, to me you are a legend. Attracted to her and all as you are you still said no and not even a kiss (alot of people might think a kiss is ok/forgivable etc). My partner is very attractive and has been cheating on me for a while (long story, ending soon) and every man that she comes on to knows that she is in a relationship and not one of them as said no yet.

I think this woman might be feeling a bit more than embarrassed. She was willing to jump in to bed with you and you weren't. To her that makes you a good person and her a bad person so she might be thinking that your opinion of her has gone down the toilet.
And/Or it could be the case that she has seriously strong feelings for you and is trying to distant herself from you as you don't feel the same. She is being distant from you anyway so why not just ask her out straight (whats the worst that could happen now, she stops talking to you at all, not much different than being distant really).

Amprodude

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Well I was thinking that if you love her it must be pretty crap seeing her everyday and knowing you'll never be with her - but if you only fancy her then its no big deal and just carry on as normal

Well when she is married and has kids the interest just simply wouldnt be there no matter how good looking she was. I cant believe she was willing to throw away everything just to kiss me and risk getting caught. We may never be friends again and thats the worst thing about it.

beks101

Amprodude wrote: »

I cant believe she was willing to throw away everything just to kiss me and risk getting caught.

Maybe this wasn't her first time taking that risk.

Amprodude

beks101 wrote: »

Maybe this wasn't her first time taking that risk.

That is quite possible.

neveah

Or maybe it was her first time doing something like this, we really have no idea and it doesn't matter. We have no idea what's going on in her marriage, she may not have a good relationship with her husband for all we know. It's all speculation.

I agree with everyone else, she is embarrassed about what happened. She is embarrassed that she said what she said and that she made a move on you. She is embarrassed that you rejected her. She probably wouldn't have done it if she wasn't drunk, so she is probably embarrassed that she got so drunk in the first place. You know that all this happened therefore she is embarrassed around you, hence the awkwardness.

I also agree with the point made that she is probably worried that your opinion of her has gone down because of what she did. Essentially she was exposed as a married woman prepared to cheat. I presume most married people don't want to be exposed like this unless the person at the receiving end of their advances is prepared to cheat with them. In this case you didn't so she probably thinks that you think less of her. The woman is probably mortified by the whole thing.

My best advice is to carry on as normal and chat away to her as you would have done before. She will soon realise that you aren't focusing on what happened and she will relax. Most likely she won't do it again as you were firm in your rejection of her advances. Give it some time, I presume you are only back to work after Christmas so it's only been a couple of days, give it time, the awkardness will subside.

(PS. I'd say you aren't the only two people feeling the awkwardness back at work after Christmas, drink + work do's + attraction = disaster )

Czarcasm

This happened LAST Christmas OP and you're only wondering how to deal with the aftermath now? You've let the situation get worse by leaving it over a year and letting things go on like this. I would suggest at this point that it's probably no harm to you that this woman ignores you tbh as long as you're both still able to get your work done. I also wouldn't trouble myself too much if I were you about how she feels and trying to get back on friendly terms with her. At this stage that could go either of two ways -

She could either view your intentions as opening the door for her to try it on with you again, OR, she could interpret your intentions as harassment and make a complaint to HR. Your best option unfortunately in this case is just to accept that these things sometimes happen and not everyone is mature enough to forgive and forget and let it go and move on. There's nothing YOU can do now in this case as far as I can see. Had you tackled the issue as soon as possible after the fact you might have had some hope of salvaging your friendship, but now you're better off to let it go and just accept things the way they are rather than chase after her to try and fix something she's clearly not interested in fixing.

December2012

I read it as it was at the Christmas party of 2013, as in a few weeks ago.

Amprodude

December2012 wrote: »

I read it as it was at the Christmas party of 2013, as in a few weeks ago.

Correct. This happened before xmas and not a year ago.

Czarcasm

Amprodude wrote: »

At a work xmas party last year

Czarcasm wrote: »

This happened LAST Christmas OP and you're only wondering how to deal with the aftermath now?

December2012 wrote: »

I read it as it was at the Christmas party of 2013, as in a few weeks ago.

Amprodude wrote: »

Correct. This happened before xmas and not a year ago.

Well, that was an ever so slightly embarrassing misunderstanding on my part!

Katgurl

Nothing new to add except to echo what previous posters said about her being embarrassed; getting plastered in itself is a little mortifying not to mention being rejected and exposing either a bad marriage or a willingness to cheat. Perhaps she can't even fully remember the details and is just getting flashes of grabbing you and you pushing her away.

The awkwardness is, unfortunately, inevitable so soon after the event.

It'll pass and you'd be surprised - the friendship could possibly come back in the future.

Also - you totally did the right thing.

up for anything

professore wrote: »

You were a gentleman. She is either ashamed of herself, or has a new target for her twisted plans.

Twisted plans!

OP, she'll get over it and while you may never be close friends again, the awkwardness will pass.

czechlin

I keep saying that work Christmas parties are a stupid idea!
However, you handled the situation very well so kudos to you.
I too think she's embarrassed (I would be) and might even be suffering from guilty conscience.
Give it time, the awkwardness will pass.