How to approach seperation

southeastr

First off, cant believe I am even comtemplating this.

Back story, I have been married for 6 years, with my wife for 12 yrs in total,we have 2 kids which are the centre of my world.
My wife developed depression following the birth of our first child and this has taken its toll on our marriage.
Following the birth of our second child things I thought had improved but I can see now the depression has changed her completely, her mood in general is different and the person I fell in love with all those years ago seems to have disappeared.
I have done everything I can to support her during this time and we get on fine.

The issue I have is that I feel so unhappy and I don't think I can continue living a lie just for the sake of the kids and to keep her happy.
At what stage do I put myself first?
I am good at pretending to be happy but I don't think its fair on her, the kids or me.
A friend mentioned to me one day that I have another 50 yrs of marriage ahead of me and the thought just filled me with fear \ sadness.

Currently I pay all of the bills as I am in a reasonably good job and I dont mind this at all,I would be happy to keep paying all the bills.

We get on pretty well but I just don't feel the same anymore.
I will always love her and appreciate the fact we brought 2 wonderful kids into the world.

My worry is telling my partner, I know this will come completely out of the blue, we don't talk about our relationship as she is not into "talking" about things like that so its hard to get her to open up.

Am I being too hard walking out when there are no major problems...we don't fight or anything like that.

Am I being selfish...

Would appreciate any advice anyone might have to share....

username123

Would you not talk to her about how you are feeling before just walking? It seems to me that it would be a bit crappy to just walk without discussing how you feel.

If you could get things back on track would you feel differently? Would you do marriage counselling?

People do change over time, but usually it is of necessity to meet the changing needs of life. I am not the same 17 year old girl my husband once knew, but it would be unrealistic to expect me to be.

It's really bad that you are living a lie rather than being able to talk to your wife about how you feel, but that is your decision, you do have to take responsibility for your own actions too. Your wife cannot be expected to try and resolve anything if you will not even communicate to her that there is a problem.

I think the first thing you should do is tell all of this to your wife and then take things from there, for all you know she may be relieved that things are now out in the open and that the lines of communication have been re established.

southeastr

I have thought about trying to have a talk with her but I am not sure if I honestly want to try and save the marriage.

Having known her for 12 years I know that she won't change,

In a lot of ways I think I have changed also and we have just grown apart in my mind at least, but I can appreciate your point that its unfair not to talk to her first

smcgiff

As this is the result of a medical condition I think you owe it to your wife and children to talk it through with your wife.

I've seen what PND can do and it can invole long term personality change. However, I've also seen people get back pretty much to their old selves.

However, it seems like you've your mind made up and the PND is an excuse.

It's good that you intend to keep paying the bills, but setting up a second life can be very expensive.

Talk to your wife - what's the worst that could happen - Things might change?

southeastr

Thanks for the feedback and I take your points on board,

Question for you,
How do I approach it if she doesn't accept the depression is an issue?

She had to go to counselling but gave it up after 4 sessions as she wouldn't open up and accept it with counselor.

The cynic in me says that nothing will change and we will both just get better at pretending,


Thanks for the opinions, I am grateful

smcgiff

Does she know her marriage is at stake?

The prospect of counselling may be daunting. But it may be something she would consider if the alternative was an end to the relationship.

It's also possible she is not happy in the relationship and by talking to her it will be the start of a dialogue.

But, she deserves to be given a chance now that it has come to this.

southeastr

Very good point, thanks

Taltos

OP to be frank saying you know she won't change is a cop out. Of course she can change if there is enough motivation, desire and an ability to change. Something you should consider is that while you have reached the point in your mind where you want to now walk away - and that is fine - your wife is in the dark and for whatever reason (sickness or disability or sheer ignorance) is happy to be so.

Can I suggest you reach out to Accord or a similar group and see about arranging some counselling sessions for you both as a couple. Who knows you might reconnect but worst case if you don't maybe though getting help at communicating your wife can be brought around to the idea that your marriage is over and you can try to limit the clear impact of telling her that it is all gone.

To be honest I think after so many years of living with this I don't know how you haven't snapped yourself yet - and hopefully professional help like this can help you too face up to and deal with whatever baggage/scars you are now carrying as a result of living in this effective non-relationship for so long. Don't mean to be crass here but can only imagine how soul destroying the loneliness has been. Who knows maybe seeing the impact to you in her not facing up to her own illness might be the trigger she needs to finally start to help herself - irrespective of you being able to be there for her or not anymore.

smcgiff

The very best of luck to both of ye.

southeastr

Thanks taltos, you make some very good points.

To be honest I am an easy going guy and all I ever want is for her to be happy.
The biggest pain for me is going through a few weeks \ months of good times, you start to forget yourself and get caught up in the happiness.
Then she has a bad week and the come down to earth is ten times worse again, this is the part that kills me.
I am afraid to enjoy the good days because I know they will inevitably be followed by the bad days.

Taltos

All the more reason to tackle this - and separation/divorce might be the only way. Your friend is right - the next 50, no 10 years will just grind you down - that is no way to live (lose) your life...

southeastr

This is the part that worries me the most,

I know if left to continue, things will only get worse as I will end up resenting her.

username123

Well any action is better than inaction. You seem to have your mind made up and that is fair enough but I do think you should let your wife know how you feel and that the marriage itself is at stake. It may change nothing and if that's the case so be it, but I think you would have regrets if you didn't at least talk it over with her before leaving.

Theanswers

I think you should support her.

Tell her/ show her the effect he inaction is having on you and your relationship. Ask her to try for the sake of you and the kids.

Tell her you understand it won't be easy but you will support her all you can.

She can overcome it and the two of ye can be stronger because of it.

That's my 2c

Sadderday

OP, if your not happy....... your not happy

Shivers26

I suffered quite badly with PND after the birth of my second child and it took about 18 months before I owned up to it. In that time I did a horrendous amount of damage to my relationship with my partner and my child.

Ultimately though, I had to admit that I needed help and it was actually a good friend who sat me down and gave me a good talking to. She told me if she heard me saying 'I'm fine' one more time she was going to scream because I was clearly not fine. I did get help and things improved a lot but your wife at least deserves to know what is at stake before you just give up on everything.

LegacyUser

How are things now as some time has past, I was/am in the same Sh.t as you last December was a low point for me where I was in a dark dark place, I moved out to get my own mind back on track, my best advice to you is look after your self first you are no good to anyone unless you sort your own mind out first.

singledad80

Portland glad to hear things are getting better for you, my advice is please think hard and careful about splitting from your wife as it might be some thing you will always be sorry about.