Ok or not ok?

LegacyUser

Occasional poster, going unreg for this one.
I'm interested to get feedback from both genders with this one.
I'm male, have a long-term (f) partner, all going steady in life - decent job, home, health etc. The relationship is fulfilling, but I guess like pretty much most men I have a regular need to gratify myself when alone. Nothing wrong in that I assume, but I find the mental stimulation for this tends to be almost always derived from my partners female friends, co-workers, sisters etc. We have a wide social circle, and many of the females in our lives are very attractive and a mix of attached and singles. My partner often tells me things that her single friends have done in terms of one night stands and this tends to fuel my imagination even further. The thing is, I've good relationships with pretty much all of these women and get on well with them - however, I find I the platonic hugs, kisses on cheek etc are often mentally stored up by me for alone times. I also get aroused by aroma's - perfume, cigarette breath and have found I have developed strong associations between these and physical relief. I don't believe I come across as creepy to them, I hide it well and many of them would often tell me how great they think I am etc (which can lead to feelings of guilt and excitement if I'm honest). I guess my question is - is this normal, is it ok to hold such thoughts/fantasies and is this commonplace amongst men? I'd be very interested to get some views. thanks for reading.

Penny Tration

I'd consider fantasising about other people fairly normal. As long as it doesn't impact on how you treat them, or your relationship, work away!

Mick Murdock

Agree with the above. It's fairly normal imo and I doubt most men feel as guilty as you about it. That's probably a good thing from your point of view. Obviously you should keep at fantasy etc.

Meauldsegosha

I think it is fairly normal to have fantasies about other people. As long as you remember it is a fantasy and don't let it interfere with real life, no harm done.:)

AnonMouse

Keep it to yourself, don't act on any of the fantasies, and you're doing nothing wrong, IMHO.

LegacyUser

...derived from my partners female friends, co-workers, sisters...

I don't think this is ok, tbh. Fair enough if they were your friends, friends of sisters, your own co-workers etc. But I feel your OH wouldn't be too impressed, at all, if it ever came out

jdsk2006

I'm female and kinda shocked! My main advice to you as a woman, would be to never admit this to your partner..... trust me when i tell you this would stir serious trouble in your relationship.

And yes i do think it borders creepy tbh! Im slightly disturbed by what men store up for the w**k bank!!!!

CaraMay

Its totally normal but what's not normal is your girlfriends total disloyalty to her friends. Am glad she is not a friend of mine as I would not want my sex life discussed with my friends partners like that. Not cool.

username123

I find it a bit creepy that your fantasy material is drawn from close friends. In my mind, such people are simply neutral in terms of sexual appreciation just because of who they are, and I mentally (sub consciously even) consider them off limits the same way I would a family member. Maybe not so for co workers, but certainly for any close friends, their partners, or siblings. I may well acknowledge someone in the close circle as attractive but I would never find them in my fantasies, it'd be like me fantasising about my brother! Just taboo in my mind I guess.

I would not be comfortable to know one of my husbands friends was having a **** to thoughts of me or the smell of my perfume. I would find it difficult to have an honest friendship with someone who viewed me that way, and I'd be worried that innocent gestures could be misconstrued or seen as me leading him on.

In saying all of that, maybe it is common and just not something I do myself.

MagicMarker

Man fantasizes about hot women shocker.

OP, you're normal.

kiffer

I have found that in general men don't sibling-ify people in the same way (to the same degree) as women do...
Sure there are close female friends that you see like a sister but not as a sister ...
You don't think of the idea of sexual activity with them as disturbing or disgusting although you might not ever think of them sexually ununprompted.

It's kinda weird, you've known someone for years and there's no sexual tension or unresolved whatever and one day some one says "I had a dream that you guys hooked up" and your female friend says "ewww".
Um... Thanks, you're disgusting too...

anyway the point is that for whatever reason different people think about things in different ways.

OP
Do you know about what your GF fantasise about?
Would it upset you if the answer was your mates? Your boss? Her boss?
Is it only ok if it's someone unobtainable like movie stars or famous but remote athletes?
Ask yourself if you have a double standard.
How you you feel if the tables were turned and why?

Addle

CaraMay wrote: »

Its totally normal but what's not normal is your girlfriends total disloyalty to her friends. Am glad she is not a friend of mine as I would not want my sex life discussed with my friends partners like that. Not cool.

I find that girls tell their fellas everything.
If you don't want something passed on, don't admit it in the first place.

Penny Tration

Addle wrote: »

I find that girls tell their fellas everything.
If you don't want something passed on, don't admit it in the first place.

Girls might, women don't. I wouldn't even think of disclosing my friends' sexual exploits to my boyfriend and he would never tell me his friends' exploits either.

LegacyUser

OP here.
thanks for the replies - I guess it kinds of reflects my dilemma as half of you think it's ok, half don't. I guess I know i would never act on this and would respect boundaries with these females so if my OH had private fantasies of her own about people in my circle on the same basis I wouldn't mind too much.

I guess i should clarify, I don't lust after these girls when in their company and wouldn't put myself in any compromising situations, but when satisfying myself, I find my thoughts invariable drift to them. However, in the past things have happened outside of my control like one of them unwittingly showing a stocking top that I and others couldn't fail to see and that sort of thing would certainly be a 'point of reference' for me. In fact, what prompted my original post was one of her friends talking to us last week about a personal item she got from secret santa at work and was quite open about it. Also, i should clarify my OH is extremely attractive and gets attention often which I'm fine with, so it's not that I'd be angry at another guy fantasising about her.

On the 'disloyalty piece', it's not like she's bound to secrecy as many of her friends would be quite open about their sex lives in front of me too.

Regarding taboos etc, maybe it is the inappropriateness of the thoughts that are driving the feelings of excitement - forbidden fruits and all that...

iusedtoknow

green_screen wrote: »

Girls might, women don't. I wouldn't even think of disclosing my friends' sexual exploits to my boyfriend and he would never tell me his friends' exploits either.

I actually find talking about your personal sex to your friends one of the highest breaches of privacy there is. I'd hate it if my wife spoke about what we get up to with anyone and none of my mates have a clue (or vice versa) about our sex lives.

Either way OP...everyone has an inner life (or wankbank if you will). As long as they stay just fantasy and nothing more and don't start to damage your own real intimate life, then I don't think there is any harm in what you're doing.

nc19

Replies from women to the OP are for the most part ridiculous imo.

OP - all absolutely perfectly normal imo. Just keep the MIL out of the bank and jobs a goodun


@shocked women - every single male friend or acquaintance you or your partner has will have thought of you in that way I promise you. Be disgusted all you like but you cant stop them

Addle

green_screen wrote: »

Girls might, women don't. I wouldn't even think of disclosing my friends' sexual exploits to my boyfriend and he would never tell me his friends' exploits either.

How do you really know what they say to each other?

Penny Tration

Addle wrote: »

How do you really know what they say to each other?

What? I said I would not tell him my friends' exploits, and he would not tell me his friends' exploits. Who is they?

Addle

green_screen wrote: »

What? I said I would not tell him my friends' exploits, and he would not tell me his friends' exploits. Who is they?

How do you know what your friends tell their partners?

Penny Tration

Addle wrote: »

How do you know what your friends tell their partners?

I never said anything about what my friends say.

Lads this isn't a discussion, back to advice for OP please

thanks

jdsk2006

nc19 wrote: »

@shocked women - every single male friend or acquaintance you or your partner has will have thought of you in that way I promise you. Be disgusted all you like but you cant stop them

That there is what I'm struggling to digest! It just seems so shallow

MagicMarker

unsure_guy? wrote: »

OP here.
thanks for the replies - I guess it kinds of reflects my dilemma as half of you think it's ok, half don't.

The half that don't are women. I guarantee you 99.99999% of guys do it.

Am I right lads?

Meauldsegosha

MagicMarker wrote: »

The half that don't are women. I guarantee you 99.99999% of guys do it.

Am I right lads?

So you can tell someone's gender by their username, can you?

nc19

jdsk2006 wrote: »

That there is what I'm struggling to digest! It just seems so shallow

You come from a point of associating emotions with sex. Men dont when not engaging in boldness with their current partner.

nc19

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

So you can tell someone's gender by their username, can you?

No. By their response.

Meauldsegosha

nc19 wrote: »

No. By their response.

My post was aimed at the user who said the users who think it is not ok are female. Which is BS because you can't tell people's gender by their username. Neither can you tell by their responses.

Sorry for going off topic mods. I gave my advice to the OP on the first page so I'll leave the thread now.

Idle Passerby

unsure_guy? wrote: »

unwittingly showing a stocking top that I and others couldn't fail to see and that sort of thing would certainly be a 'point of reference' for me.

I feel a bit of a tit now. I find Im uncomfortable with this despite realising the OP is totally normal. Im sure my friends partners have glimpsed bits of me they wern't meant to over the years and naively I guess I always thought "ah sure they practically see me as a sister".

Its slightly unnerving to think of them storing the glimpses away for a furtive w@nk later on. Id expect it from horny teenagers but not mature adult men. Im obviously a bit naive! Not happy that my partner is probably doing the same. This has been a dismaying eye opener

Okay OP i think it's clear that some do and some don't so this is probably all you're going to get out of the thread

all the best