Dealing with ill / depressed parents

midnight_train

Hi everyone,

Thank you in advance for reading. I'm not sure if this is the right forum.

I grew up in a very loving family and I am very lucky. I love my parents and they gave me everything. However, both of them had to leave home at a very young age, for different reasons, so although they were my parents, in the traditional sense, this relationship changed a lot after I finished college.

When I graduated college, they sold our house without telling my brother and I, and told us they were moving. They moved to a place for older, retired people that is in a remote area, an 8-10 hour drive from where I grew up (I was working in a different city when they moved but always enjoyed coming to my homeplace to visit friends, relax in the house I grew up in, etc.). I was 22 and my brother was 24 at the time. It was very hard, and it is still hard to not have a 'home' anymore.

I moved to Ireland shortly after they moved to get my postgrad degree, but also because I felt I had no home anymore. Shortly after my parents moved, my mother started developing dementia. This was 13 years ago, and she has full-blown Alzheimer's now.

To say it's a terrible situation is an understatement. My father is not ready to put her in a home, but his quality of life is nonexistent since he became her full-time carer. As I said, they now live in a very remote area with no family nearby. I am settled in Ireland now (have been here 12 years) but travel back to my parents a few times a year and stay for 3-6 weeks each time (I work for myself so can manage my time off). My brother does what he can but he also has a full-time job and is not nearby.

In fairness, my father has never expected me to move here (not that I can - you have to be over 65 to live in this community, and there is no industry in the area. The work I do is very connected to Ireland and that's why I'm there) so he never makes me feel guilty about being far away.

But I do feel guilty, terribly guilty. I can't express how depressing my parents house is. My mother, God love her, is completely out of it and can do absolutely nothing for herself. My father is so down and stressed that he is completely closed off, and doesn't talk to me or anyone else. And I have no friends here, no one to talk to, and no one my age. I lost touch with most of my school and college friends when my parents moved, so I feel very alone when I'm here.

I have tried to get my dad to put my mom into respite care, even for a weekend, so my brother and I could bring him out and go away for a weekend, but he won't consider it.

I have a huge amount of respect for my dad. He is utterly devoted to my mom and he loves her so much. But being 'home' is so hard. I'm in my mid-30s, so not that young, but none of my friends have parents who are as sick as my mom is. I have one friend who I talk to regularly and she is a great support, but my other friends, even my close friends, don't seem to realize how hard the situation is for me, so I never hear from them while I'm here. I have a boyfriend, and he is absolutely lovely, but it's a new relationship (4 months) so I feel it's too soon to really unload much emotional stuff onto him.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here. Just wanted to vent, I suppose. If there's anyone out there who's gone through something similar and might have some methods of coping better, I would love to hear it.

Thank you for reading x

Maura74

I have nothing but sympathy for you and your dad it is a dreadful condition. Got a older sister that has it and is in the last stage of it. She is in a care home and I totally respect your Dad for not putting you mum into one of these places.

I expect your parents moved due to your mum condition normally their home now would have a full time warden and that is good for them, also the maintenance is done for them as well and they would keep their independence. Keeping the family home would be a strain for them as when your are older it is more difficult to maintain it. I have retired cousin that has purchased a retirement home just outside London and they love it as they do not have to worry about maintenance unlike their family home. They go on outing in a group which is cheaper and more enjoyable. They have other residents to chat to therefore not lonely unlike if they were living in their own home, I expect they feel safe there as well.

Have a look at the link below, hopefully it will help it will help you understand the condition a bit more, maybe you have seen it already. It is the UK one, but there is an Irish one as well but apparently that website is undergoing maintenance at the moment but you can download it if you want to that is.

I was diagnosed last year with MCI and hopefully it will not turn into anything more sinister for a while at least. They have made great progress with this condition within the last 5 years. Hopefully a cure will not be that far off.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

An Bhanríon

You are not alone! But, as can be seen from the number of replies you got there are not a lot of people in your situation. I am in my mid-thirties and have been taking care of my widowed mother on and off for twenty years now. She has a mental illness so she is sometimes fine and sometimes not. I know very few people in my situation and I treasure chatting with those who actually understand how it is.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can do and putting in the required effort to take care of your parents. If your father won't take your advice there is nothing you can do, except repeat that advice in the nicest possible way every now and then. It's very difficult watching those close to us suffer, especially from afar. However, if they are not prepared to make the changes themselves that will make their lives easier there is nothing you can do. The best thing you can do is enjoy your own life to the full and try and make sure you don't repeat their mistakes.

And whatever you do, don't feel guilty!! No matter what happens. You are clearly doing your best.

Yoga and meditation have helped a lot. As have my countless friends who have listened to me rant.... And just trying to be philosophical about the whole thing. Easier said than done, I know, but things do improve a bit with time. And being in a romantic relationship is also a great help...

LegacyUser

I know how you feel. I'm in my late 30's and my mother started showing signs of dementia when I was in my early 20's. My job and my sibling's job aren't near home so my father became her full-time carer. We helped out of course but it was mainly my father who did the caring. For a long time he took far too much of the burden onto his shoulders and couldn't even cope with the idea of putting her into day care. I think it was a mixture of her getting worse and tying him down into home and him getting to trust the wonderful staff in the day care centre that led to him changing his mind. It happened slowly over time.

It was the very same for other steps along the way. He had to come to terms in his own mind with having home help come to the house to get her up and dressed, not to mention having a hoist and different medical paraphernalia in the house. Accepting that respite care wasn't a bad thing for her took time too. When the time came for her to go into a nursing home permanently he cried like a baby down the phone to me. It took him a while to come to terms with that and I think he felt he had failed.

I've come to realise that unless a dreadful illness such as Alzheimer's affects you personally, people don't understand what it's like. People who've never had an Alzheimer's sufferer in the family say the stupidest of things sometimes. Sometimes I've had to bite my tongue so that I'll not say something I regret. It is a horrible disease which not only destroys the life of the sufferer but scars their family as well. I've had to live with the knowledge that my mother has an incurable disease for all of my adult life and it has had a profound effect on my life. I get through my everyday life because I'm numb. Sometimes the grief hits me and I just have to cry. I'm crying now actually - the pain's never far from the surface.

I'm so sorry to read your story. You're under a different sort of pressure because you live abroad. Please try not to feel guilty. You are doing your best but you have to live your own life too. I made that mistake and now I'm nearly 40 and have nobody special in my life. I'm lonely and I regret not trying harder to meet someone when the odds were in my favour. Your father will come around in his own time. If he's like my father things will happen and circumstances will change things for him. It is tough - boy do I know where you're coming from.

As for you, try to hang in there. Would you think about going to a counsellor? I never thought I'd ever sit in that chair but I did and it really helped. I never thought to approach the Alzheimer's society or local support groups but I'm sure they're good too. Most of all, I just want to give you a great big virtual hug. I hope you will find someone to talk to and make you feel better.

Maura74

OP as you know it is not easy and your Mum is very lucky to have such a wonderful family. Have a word with your Dad and see if he would be prepared to go into respite care with your Mum. I expect he in needs of it after being a caregiver for your Mum. This would mean that he would not be separate from her and he would be getting some attention as well and the stress would be taken away from him for a while.

My sister was diagnosed after her husband died and apparently that is when this pernicious disease is notice after a love one dies.

I would check out your parents sheltered housing as when my cousin purchased her flat she got 2 bedrooms as she wanted their daughter to say with her on occasional. But I expect every country have different rules.

I feel that until they find out what causes this condition they will not be able to treat it properly. Apparently there are 100 different kinds of dementia.

I am aware of my condition and am living in the here and now and keeping my mind occupied and doing as much exercise as possible, swimming is wonderful as well a yoga.

Best of Luck and take care of yourself.