At my wits end

misspumpqueen

I'm too ashamed to post this in any of the parenting forums. I'm having a really tough time being a new mum, doing it alone. A horrible thought crossed my head this morning that I hate being a mother. If I'm honest, it's not all its cracked up to be. I've always wanted children, always! I want 4+ but I never saw myself being the only single mother in my group of friends. As you may guess, this pregnancy wasn't planned. I knew I wanted to keep the baby straight away but I never thought I'd feel like this.

I have a friend who recently had a baby and I cannot for the love of God stop comparing myself to her. I wanted to keep the baby, she wanted to put hers up for adoption but now that the babies are here, she's head over heels in love and I feel like I'm lacking that overwhelming sense of devotion. I feel like a horrible horrible person. Other comparisons would be that her birth was really long but smooth, no hickups, my birth was very fast and the baby almost died she is successfully breastfeeding, I gave it one go and gave up. My child was born three months before hers and I would text her and tell her that my baby was crying or wouldn't eat or whatever. She doesn't say one bad word about her baby. It makes me feel like ****. 1) because I should be happy for her and 2) I feel like I should feel like that about my baby. This girl and I have lost contact for whatever reason, she just gradually stopped replying to my messages and would never ask how i was. I asked her how her Christmas went and she said great! I'm still waiting for her to ask how mine went. And I know some of you will say you could have just said it anyway. . Yeh I could have but it's nice to be asked.

Don't get me wrong now, I love my baby to bits. I've been out of my mind worrying the last week because she's not herself and i only got a chance to go to the doc today (she's ok). I just feel horrible and so guilty when I yell at her to shut up because she's screaming bloody murder and I don't know what's wrong with her. Am I a horrible person? I'm on antidepressants just in case people suggest about pnd, , and I'm also seeing a counsellor. But it helps to hear from people who have actually gone through it.

I know deep down I love being a mother and I love my baby. But i really can't stop comparing myself and it's really getting me down.

CaraMay

Do you have anyone to give you a break op? A lot of what you say is very normal. I have friends who have 'perfect' babies whereas mine has been sick / out of sorts for 2 years. It's normal to feel jealous of people who claim to have perfect lives but no one has a perfect life or perfect baby.

I do think getting breaks from the baby will help to enjoy her more.

Btw I think you would get good support under the parenting forum as lots of people have experienced whatvyou have.

misspumpqueen

CaraMay wrote: »

Do you have anyone to give you a break op? A lot of what you say is very normal. I have friends who have 'perfect' babies whereas mine has been sick / out of sorts for 2 years. It's normal to feel jealous of people who claim to have perfect lives but no one has a perfect life or perfect baby.

I do think getting breaks from the baby will help to enjoy her more.

Btw I think you would get good support under the parenting forum as lots of people have experienced whatvyou have.

I don't really. I'm a single mum, the dad isn't really supportive, and I still live at home. My mum would help look after her for a while when she gets home from work and would babysit now and again but I hate asking!

CaraMay

Oh you really have to take the help anytime you can get it. It's horrendously hard to raise a kid especially on your own so take all the breaks you can. The dad might be better when the baby is older. Not everyone is good with small babies (no excuse though)...

Even allow your mum to mind her and head off to the cinema. It will help you no end.

You are doing great so keep going. One thing though op please don't scream at the baby. Put her down safely and go outside and scream for ten minute but don't take it out on the baby.

Maura74

You maybe suffering from post natal depression have a word with your doctor and see what s/he says.

http://www.nct.org.uk/branches/glossop-district/new-parent-support/post-natal-depression

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/postnataldepression.aspx

Tasden

Op first off congratulations and well done on.becoming a mam

Secondly, being a mam is hard! Your whole life changes and you're responsible for a tiny human being that depends on you for everything, that's not easy. I don't blame you for wanting some peace and "me" time. People say its the best job in the world and it is but a lot leave out the "but..." at the end of that sentence. Its not always the done thing to say "oh my god my new bundle of joy is driving me insane" so mothers avoid saying it to other mothers. Don't compare yourself to others. You're mammy to your baby and they are mammy to theirs, your baby wouldn't want anyone but you and vice versa so don't compare.

Its OK to feel overwhelmed and tired and trapped. Its natural to feel stressed and like you've been thrown in the deep end. Because you have been! However that being said your body has been through a lot and your hormones have caused a lot of changes and some of the feelings you're having may be magnified by these physical changes so maybe discuss that with your public health nurse next time you see her- they get it all the time and will understand everything you're feeling.

Its very easy to become isolated in the early years so try get out with friends if you can. Accept help when its offered. Don't feel shame in taking some time to rest- baby needs mammy to be rested. It gets easier, trust me. And the fact you've acknowledged your feelings is a big step, a lot of mams are too focused on the fairy tale of motherhood that they are afraid to admit that it is tough and not always the walk in the park they expected. And pretending things are fine when they're not will only end in a burnout.

Bonding with a baby after a difficult or traumatic birth can be difficult sometimes, its nothing to do with your love for your baby though, its very common, your public health nurse can go into this more with you. Don't be afraid to ask questions its what they're there for.

Edit: just saw about the depression and yelling. Talk to your counsellor about it and don't hold back anything. And as for feeling like yelling at the baby, its natural but it only escalates things because babies pick up on tension and will get scared of any raises in your voice. Try to remain as calm as possible, I know easier said than done.

I hope this helps. Congratulations again on your new baby and all the best

Goldenlady

Hi OP,
Congrats on becoming a mom. I don't have kids, BUT my group of friends all do, and I promise you one thing, they all have struggled too. They are so refreshingly honest about it, they complain and moan and compare stories, its helped everyone in the group as each person realises its not just them.
I think you need to try and stop comparing yourself to your friend, she is probably struggling too but just wont say it.
It doesn't mean you love your child any less if you need to open up to people. Perhaps there are baby groups in your location, might be worth looking these up.
Im sorry I cant give you any more advice, but definitely try and establish a network that ye can help each other out, Im sure its very tough on your own.
Best of luck xx

December2012

Hi OP,

Stop comparing yourself to this woman's situation - it is never healthy anyway but here's another reason: She might be having a terrible time and be petrified of admitting it!

So many women have this fear that if they verbalise the toughness of their experiences that some Social Worker will come and whip their baby away (don't worry - they won't!)

Some women have feelings of shame about the stress and exhaustion. And yet at the same time the women love their babies, yet are drained. And its so tough.

hormones can be to blame, so can tiredness, etc. But I think you should go and talk to your GP, keep talking to your counsellor, keep taking your medication and also look online for Post Natal Support groups - this one is very good. http://nurturepnd.org/?page_id=397

bp

I too am a mother and compared to some of the mammies I know am having a fairly easy time. There is a great 'moan' thread in parenting/ newborn and toddlers and everyone there has something to moan about.

As I said I have a usually placid baby but there have been times when myself and baby have been crying with me asking "what do you want, just tell me what you want..." To a six month old. I love my child beyond logic but there are times I just want to pee in peace without crying or having to hold them on my knee just for the ability to pee! That and there are moments when you think if your pre-baby life and sigh!

I hate to say it but your friend may not be responding because a) you are moaning too much (sorry) or b) it isn't all roses for her but she is keeping up appearances. The grass isn't always greener.

Finding a mammy and baby group to join, mammy's do say "I love my child but..."

With regards breast feeding no one tells you how hard, painful and tiring it is, well they certainly didn't tell me.

You need a break, even half an hour in a spa. Could someone take the little one for a bit? Also try leave the house every day for a walk - it will help you both mentally and psyically.

Talk it all out, especially screaming at the baby. I know this isn't what you had planned but it's what you've been dealt. Love your child but remember you are only human.

Congrats and be strong

misspumpqueen

Thanks for your replies! As I said, I know deep down i love her! I'm kind of insulted that my friend doesn't open up to me.. I mean she opened up about so many other things so it seems she must be on heavenly bliss with her baby. I don't "moan" as much to her anymore, 1) because I felt bad bringing her down when she was on cloud nine and 2) the medication does help a little

I've been meaning to go to mum and baby groups but I always sleep it out! But this year I'm determined to go! I try go for a walk every day! I was doing great until last week when all the Christmas pressure started!

I'll look into groups for pnd support.

Again, thanks for your replies

December2012

Definitely look at the online groups too!

You're not alone in this.

Do you go to any post natal exercise? Yoga and Pilates are great ones to bring your baby too.

misspumpqueen

December2012 wrote: »

Do you go to any post natal exercise? Yoga and Pilates are great ones to bring your baby too.

No not yet! I'm planning on joining a group in the new year

CaraMay

misspumpqueen wrote: »

No not yet! I'm planning on joining a group in the new year

Op I tried to bf and it didn't work so we had yo move on to bottles. I don't feel a bit bad about it as there was nothing more we could do. Don't beat yourself up about things you can't control.

LegacyUser

Hiya,

Forget everyone else. As has been mentioned your so called friend could be having an awful time. Maybe her partner never gets out of bed and helps ... who knows. It doesn't matter.

When my baby was born I would take her out for walks and she would cry so much (because she was hungry and I hadn't enough breast milk to feed her ) I would end up turning around and going home ... but not before I had passed some other family with the perfect sleeping newborn just sailing along
I felt like the most useless mother ever.
The day I brought her for her BCG i will never forget it ... I had never driven on my own with her, it took me 20 mins to get the car seat into the car, I couldnt get parking at the clinic she cried from the time I left my front door to the time I for back. In the waiting area I was so stressed and upset ...all these mammys with these perfect quiet babies suckling their dummies obediently ... why was mine the only baby crying and screaming? I am actually tearing up thinking about that day lol and there were
PlPlenty of other days like that one too.

Now my little one is nearly two and Im so proud when I walk down the street with her and she smiles and waves and everyone stops and talks to her.
It does get better and it does get easier.
Trust me on that.

Tasden

misspumpqueen wrote: »

Thanks for your replies! As I said, I know deep down i love her! I'm kind of insulted that my friend doesn't open up to me.. I mean she opened up about so many other things so it seems she must be on heavenly bliss with her baby. I don't "moan" as much to her anymore, 1) because I felt bad bringing her down when she was on cloud nine and 2) the medication does help a little

I've been meaning to go to mum and baby groups but I always sleep it out! But this year I'm determined to go! I try go for a walk every day! I was doing great until last week when all the Christmas pressure started!

I'll look into groups for pnd support.

Again, thanks for your replies

I'm going to be honest and admit I kind of abandoned texting my friends once baby arrived, I'd intend to text and then the baby would cry and then babybrain makes you forget, I wouldn't take it to heart sometimes people just lose touch when they're busy with different stages of motherhood.

Also, no matter how placid a baby you have and how "perfect" being a mother comes to you, its never bliss 24/7. Every mother has their ups and downs. They may not share their downs with others but they have them like everyone else. Because its natural.

Victoria Fortescue

Pumpkin Queen, please understand you are not alone. There isn't a person or book in the world that can prepare you for a child. You get flying advice right left and centre from those you know that have children. You read the books and the terminology. It doesn't scratch the surface when it comes to the hormonal drop you experience, and the exhaustion you will feel. We parents all feel it, but what makes a huge difference is support. You say your child's father isn't supportive, and there is only so much that you have at home. So it is not abnormal that you feel like you are end of your tether.

What you need to do is reach out to more family members, find other parents in your community and arrange to meet up for cuppas just to get outdoors and socialise. This new role has thrown you, but you will adjust.

In your frustration you're telling your child to shut up, but distant memories of mine with my first child weren't very different. I had no support either and I was so stressed and exhausted. Your child's only way of communicating with you is to cry for their needs, which may be hunger, pain or in need of security and comfort. They are basic needs, but they are demanding and often. This won't last forever. As they become more physically capable and mentally more investigative and learning to communicate, your child will be a joy to you. They will sleep that bit longer and you will start to feel normal again and a more capable mother. Continue going to counselling, but please network and find other mothers to keep you grounded.

Wishing you and your baby all the best op.

bp

Good for you for admitting the problem and wanting to make changes. As someone said in the parenting forum: if you didn't love your child you wouldn't care, therefore you are being a good parent

emmabrighton

Hey OP, don't underestimate what a traumatic birth can do to a parent.

My little boy was premature (born at 28 weeks) my other half did, what I consider, the most awful things during the time he was at hospital and the first week he was at home. Examples include 1) not visiting my son in hospital 2) when I did finally convinced him to come into hospital he would stand over the incubator and time, yes time, himself and leave after five minutes. 3) undermine me in front of the nursing staff. Go, he was a real s!*t. I digress, anyway these and other unspeakable acts caused me to leave him the week after my son came home from hospital. He moved back to his mom and I moved in with my sibling for support. We patched things over after a month but it has left a terribly dark stain on our relationship. Something that I am not sure I will ever forget, still working on forgiving at present.

Anyway, he will say that he was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, no doubt so was I and that made me so hyper sensitive to his behaviour. I wanted everything to be perfect for my baby, and when it wasn't I absolutely couldn't cope.

But I tell you something, I would not have uttered a word of it to my friend who had just had her baby. I was so jealous of her. She was married, she delivered her baby at home, at term with no complications. Her husband was the picture of perfection, he brought her tea and biscuits when she was sitting down to breastfeed.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

You cannot underestimate the effects of a traumatic birth. Be good to yourself OP. You are your babys advocate. You are your babies primary care giver. You are the person your baby needs. Your baby needs you to be well so that they can thrive. If you are not coping, you should ask for help. Ask your mom for help, tell her that you are not coping. You are very lucky to have someone with experience there to give you support. Take it with both hands.

If your friend has a perfect life right now - which I doubt, just distance yourself from her for a bit. You having the green eyed gazungas will not benefit your baby what so ever. Cut contact from her for a while. Get your head right, then you can take up your friendship again in a few months.

What I found helpful was simply asking myself when I was going to do something - "Is this in my babys best interest?", if it wasn't then I wouldn't do it. So, before you are ready to yell at your baby out of sheer exhaustion ask yourself "Is shouting at my baby in his best interest?" If the answer is no, don't do It.

I have a friend - who is a nurse, so well versed in caregiving - whose baby cried and cried because of bad colic... she tried everything but nothing would work. Sometimes she thought she was going to go insane, so much so that she would strap her baby in a high chair in the kitchen and stand outside in the backgarden for 5 - 10 mins because she needed a few minutes to unwind... she was afraid of what she would do... And this is a nurse I am talking about, not a dope like the rest of us

I agree with other posters, go to some mother and baby groups. Check out Cuidu. Even though they advocate breastfeeding, they hold mother and baby mornings for formula fed babies and moms too - once a week or once every two weeks. There will be plenty of moms around who love their babies but...

Don't be ashamed, its only natural to get jealous from time to time. Check out cognitive behavioural therapy, and post traumatic stress disorder, also try practicing some mindfulness... keep you in the moment...

Good luck

Hannibal Smith

The first year of parenting is so hard. Especially on your first. Don't let yourself think you're doing better or worse than anyone else, because you never know whether you're catching some one on a good day. And you never know how many people are wishing they were you, when they spot you ob a good day.

Instead of comparing your self with your friend, if she is a good friend, confide in her. Or at the very least see her as someone who can identify with how you're feeling. Because she does.

If you've given yourself a fright with the thoughts you've had...make an appointment with your gp or counsellor. It could be that the tablets you're on need tweaking. But don't keep them to yourself. Its important to look after yourself. You deserve to feel better and you will.

Congratulations on the baby and you're doing a great job. Be good to yourself xx

misspumpqueen

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Instead of comparing your self with your friend, if she is a good friend, confide in her. Or at the very least see her as someone who can identify with how you're feeling. Because she does. /quote]

I would like to confide in her but I don't know her that long and I don't know if we're close enough to have that kind of talk! I met her in the hospital waiting to be seen by the doc lless than 10 months ago. I do miss talking to her though.

Thanks for your replies again! I'm feeling better today!

dipdip

I'm not a mother but I've got a lot of children in my life. I could tell you a lot of stories but the following short anecdote might make you feel better.

One day my friend, a new mum, rang me in a desperate crying rage and said I needed to come over and take the baby because she was tempted to throw it out the window because of the non stop crying.

I went over and minded the baby for just 2 hours. Meanwhile mum went out for a walk and returned feeling much more able to cope.

The bottom line is you need support. Ask for it. It will help!