Over before it began

LegacyUser

I royally stuffed up today and blew things and am so angry at myself.

I have been chatting with a guy online and on the phone for a month now. We were going to meet just before xmas but he had a family crisis in that one of his parents was taken to hospital and needed major surgery. It has been touch and go, hospital transfers etc.

During all this we got close, talked, messaged and the usual stuff. I didn't bother talking to anyone else as I had no interest and we both said we seemed to have a great connection and weren't interested in dating others. So today I logged on to the dating site and there he was. I had not been on it in ages and my heart sank. I literally felt, here we go again (messed around). I looked as I had not heard from him and felt if

I didn't even think, just sent him a message to his phone saying that if he is still talking to other people at this stage then I don't think I want to meet him. I had been worrying about him and his family through all this difficult time and was thinking if he prefers to be online chatting to other women then he isn't for me.

We had been chatting and messaging daily prior to this.

After I sent the message, I felt bad. I knew I was overeacting having been let down so many times and sent a message to his phone apologising.

I got a reply back tonight. He said he didn't have his phone with him, he left it charging at home when he went to the hospital this morning and his nephews must have been playing on it. He said he didn't need this now when he was worried about his parents future and said good luck.

I know my behaviour was wrong, but I feel really sad now. I liked him a lot and it has been ages since I felt this connection.

I have been messed around too many times to mention and just reacted badly. I have blown it now haven't I? I deleted his number anyway after suggesting we at least talk when he gets a chance. I am not going to keep apologising.

am I being overly hard on myself and he is being overly emotional with the ill parent? I have been so supportive up to this. Even got him a great xmas present and we discussed finally meeting and getting to know each other. It is all over now and I am sad.

Ann84

Firstly don't be so hard on yourself, I don't really think you overreacted but I do think you may be overinvested in this. Online dating is hard for people, chatting online for months can mean a lot to one person, and nothing to another.

For what it's worth, I don't believe his story about his nephews being on his phone, you don't know this guy. I know he has a lot on but you don't know how seriously he views chatting to you and by standing up for yourself, I think you got your answer..

I think you did the right thing but I would suggest you review how you look at online dating, it's not like real dating, people are there for all sorts of reasons and can be telling you literally anything so until you face to face go on a date, take it all with a pinch of salt!

Best of luck in the new year

Meauldsegosha

I see he likes the classics - sick parent and nephew using his phone. Oldest excuses in the book OP.

I agree with the above poster, you didn't overreact but you are over invested in someone you've never met. You agreed not to date anyone else and you bought him a Christmas present, you've never met him!!

Don't let it get you down, chalk it up to experience. There are good guys doing on-line dating. I met my boyfriend that way and I had been doing the OD thing for two years before I met him.

December2012

If he had a sick parent yeah you've really added a stress to his life.

Unless you are very mistrusting then there is no reason to disbelieve this any more than you have to disbelieve anything else.

However, you appear to be very emotionally invested in a person you've only "known" for a few weeks. If you had met in a not online capacity you would've maybe had a few dates and that's all.

Had you discussed exclusivity?

beks101

I mean this with all due respect to the medium of online dating, but until you've met someone face to face, there is absolutely no point in taking them, or your potential as a couple, seriously. There are just too many variables which can't be expressed in an online sphere - physical attraction, sexual chemistry and compatibility in the real world just being a few of them.

I know the temptation is always there when you seem to have great banter and similar interests to someone - coupled with your previous spate of bad luck - but you didn't even meet this guy, for all you know the 'sick parent' tale was an elaborate excuse to get out of meeting up because he's married, or busy meeting up with a list of women from the same site - you simply don't know and can't gauge until it's teased out and tested in the real world.

From his perspective, if everything he said was true - then yes, I doubt you'll be hearing from him again. If this was heading in the direction of a relationship, you suddenly throwing a wobbly and exhibiting substantial trust issues at this early a stage will have put him right off.

So, 2 things: 1. Roll back on the drawn-out online relationships. Treat online dating like a business, be selective, line up a few dates within a few days of chatting with a few guys, if they "can't" meet up for any reason, move on.

And 2. get to the root of why you got so emotionally attached. It sounds like you're projecting a whole rake of bad dating experiences onto this new online venture. If you think you are unable to take a casual, light-hearted and positive approach to dating, online or otherwise, I would go as far as to say the online thing is not for you. It could be damaging to your already dashed self-esteem, and low self-esteem + dating = unmitigated disaster. Maybe take some time to get your own head straight before diving in again.

Meauldsegosha

sadone wrote: »

... we both said we seemed to have a great connection and weren't interested in dating others.

December2012 wrote: »

Had you discussed exclusivity?

It seems they had some kind of discussion.

LegacyUser

Thank you to all of you for your replies. You all raised great points. I agree wholeheartedly I overinvested. I suppose the main reason being he is not like any other guy I met online. He was not big-noting himself, said he hasn't got much. We talked a lot and he made it clear he wanted a relationship not ONS as he has done all that. I feel the same.

I bought him a present as we were going to meet days before Christmas. I always buy gifts - my friends are always saying I shouldn't but I truly do enjoy giving more than receiving so it was not some big calculated gesture on my part. He got me one as well - it was meant to be an icebreaker....

I believe his parent is ill as he told me about the surgical procedure and the rest of that. I had no reason to distrust him. He is not a kid and if he didn't want to meet with me he could have just said so, not kept in touch this past week and a half with updates of what has been going on.

The real reason this got to me is something that happened to a friend a few days ago. She had been seeing a guy online for a while and found out he was messing her around. She was really upset and ended it with him and I was there for her through all that. I know that got me questioning the guy I had been chatting to as my friend is very distrusting of men and said if she were me she would be wondering is the parent really ill.

Until then, I had not even questioned him. Then I log on the site and there he is. I am a smart enough woman and I sent a message to him on the site. he did not reply but was on for about an hour later so I believe he did not see my message as he would have got off it if he had.

I have apologised. I can't do any more than that. I suppose I over invested because his parent is so ill and I am an empathic person. I did not ring and text him loads. I left it to him and he was always open about the stress of it all and how he couldn't wait for us to meet and relax.

I am not an insecure woman either and don't mind him chatting with other women online that he may have became friends with. I just don't want to be messed around again - it is all I ever seem to meet. I was thinking there I am speaking with him about his bad situation, offering comfort and he is chatting to other woman!!!

I also believe he didn't have his phone on him as he did not receive the text message I sent him till after 8pm last night. He would have seen it well before then if he had his phone with him.

The intention was to meet earlier but fate intervened with that. I would not have drawn this out at all. The plan was to meet the week before Christmas. Anyway, what is done is done. He thinks I am a selfish lunatic and I feel like one. Happy days.

I woke up a few times through the night and remembered and felt awful. I will get over it in a few days. I know why I reacted the way I did and I am going to go easy on myself because of that.

The awful thing is I have been selective with online dating - I do get lots of messages but the ones I connect with are really few and far between and I still managed to balls things up.

As for the exclusivity talk, we both agreed we wanted to meet and see how things went. We were both looking for the same thing (a relationship not just a bit of fun) and there was a strong physical attraction.

Thanks for all your replies - it has helped a lot.

Typer Monkey

But you were also on the dating site in order to see he was there? I'm not saying he wasn't dating a million other girls but I think you over reacted OP tbh

Mick Murdock

If I had to bet money on it, the cynic in me would guess:

1. His parent is not sick, it was used as an excuse not to meet up, either because he's a messer or because he's lost interest. I would suspect the first.

2. The nephew thing is clearly a lie and he was using the dating site again. I would guess a lot of people use those sites without necessarily having the intention of meeting people in person - despite what they say. Men mostly!! I suppose with Facetime and Skype/FB etc. is easy to see whether people are who they say they are.

He replied at 8pm because it played into his story.

3. You did nothing wrong. Unless he makes some effort to contact you regarding a meet up I would just keep looking.

miamee

I think you over reacted in that you still had not met him in real life. In that regard, checking up on his online activity was a bad idea. As others have already said, until you meet in real life, do not treat any online 'relationship' as real, there are still too many maybes and what ifs at that stage.

I'd take this as a lesson learned and leave him be. If his parent is sick, then he is otherwise occupied and if they are not ill and he's made it up as others suggested, I doubt he is someone you want to spend too much time on

I don't really understand why him being on the dating site was such a problem if you were on it too. God knows maybe he was checking if you were on it

FixitFelix

Straight off when I read your post I thought to myself it's all lies his end, seems like the usual bad excuses

LegacyUser

Cheers again.

The dating site is an online app so it can log you in. I truly believe he wasn't on it as he would have replied to my message or at the very least, exited quick smart. He did not get the messages I sent him till 8pm (I can see that on my phone) so his phone was not with him. I believe that.

You have all been great and I am glad I came here and vented as it was really upsetting me. I know I did a stupid thing, but I do know where the insecurity came from - hearing a friend go on and on about an untrustworthy internet-dater boyfriend. It just got me thinking and after a good while single I am a bit out of the loop and was just protecting myself.

I cringe at my over-reaction but it was not just me running away with myself. He also said he felt the same. I was actually really happy there for a little while.

I am not going to do anything else. I have done enough and said enough (yeah, yeah, more than enough ) I am going to meet a friend for coffee today and try and put it all behind me. Xmas is a difficult time for me for certain reasons and I think that also played a part in all this.

We can close this thread up now. I have got some great feedback and want to park this now and move on. Happy New Year everyone

lmos

Hi op

Ive experienced something similar in the past. Online dating can be tricky at the best of times, and I think its even more so if you've had bad experiences and haven't had the time to heal.
Its anyones guess what someones intentions are until you meet them. I, like you, have over invested in someone online, for about the same period of time as you. Its a real kick in the guts then when you realise they are not on the same page. I know it stinks but you have done the right thing in pulling away from this guy. Whatever his intentions are/were, it sounds like you need to be in a better place yourself to pursue a relationship. I know what this feels like only too well...and the clichés of getting out and doing the things you enjoy/love rather that putting your energies into finding a relationship, may be something you might consider.
be kind to yourself...whats for you wont pass you.