Wedding question

Unsurewhattodo

My sister is getting married this June. There are four girls in our family. I'm the eldest, mid-30s. The girl getting married is 29. There's one between us in age and then the youngest who's 21. She has chosen to have two bridesmaids. It stung slightly to be left out but I shrugged it off. However, my mother has now heard and is making an issue about the fact that I'm not included. I find I am now more upset about it than I originally was. I have always been good to her and have put myself out to help her often. Recently when she was having some issues I was her port of call for support when she was too embarrassed to even mention it to the others. I am hurt that she'll call upon me more for help and support but, and this is just the latest example of it, has less respect for me than them. Should I just make myself less available to help her in future? I am single but I had always imagined that if I got married they'd all be my bridesmaids. The others have stated that I'd be very childish to have a problem with her choice. All perspectives would be appreciated.

CaraMay

Some people are just takers and your sister sounds like one of those. I personally wouldn't be into big wedding parties but I still wouldn't choose 2 out of 3 sisters. It's not fair.

I wouldn't let on to her that I had an issue over it but I certainly wouldn't be her confident and shoulder to cry on either from herein...

Challo

I agree with the above. I dislike large wedding parties but if I had three sisters, there's no way I'd leave out one. You'll be the only one not at the same table as the rest of the family? Very bizarre and hurtful although maybe she has some reason.... have you asked her why??

emuhead

Your mother cares for you and doesn't want to see you hurt and I think what your sister has done leaving you out is insensitive at best.

I'd focus on how you are going to enjoy the wedding - who you will ask, if you're inviting someone, what you're going to wear. Maybe plan a bit of a mini break around it for yourself and friends, spoil yourself. Rise above it. Don't get engaged in a family discussion about it.

Maybe it would help you be less upset if you take the focus off your family and what you would reasonably expect of them, and rethink your sister's needs for emotional support in your list of priorities. That doesn't mean to stop talking to her, but merely to look after your own feelings and needs. Just my 2 cents. I'm from a relatively large family and of a similar age and I've found it helps to keep expectations of large family events low!

username123

It might be a case that the groom only has 2 guys to call on for best man and groomsman or that they want to keep the wedding party numbers down. No one plans a wedding alone, the groom has a say too.

I can understand that you feel left out but it is her wedding, and people are entitled to have whatever wedding they want.

I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to choose between sisters. Regardless, as mentioned above, rise above it and plan how you can enjoy the day. You will be delighted not to have a job on the day when it comes, nothing more boring than having to do all the photos etc, rather than just being there to have a good time.

Unsurewhattodo

Thank you all for your replies.

No I haven't said anything to her. She asked one sister first, the closest to her in age. At the time she said she didn't want fuss or a big bridal party and so I had the impression that she only wanted one bridesmaid. It was only over Christmas that it emerged there are two bridesmaids now. I heard it in passing, she was discussing dresses with my youngest sister, in wider company so couldn't say anything. To be honest I probably wouldn't have said anything anyway. She then made a joke about me being too old.

I won't be sitting alone on the day as I have three brothers so I assume I'll be sitting with them.

I suppose I'm hurt because I thought we were very close. I wouldn't have described her as a taker but will give that some thought. I realise I may need to take a step back from sibling relationships and focus more on my friendships. As I've gotten older and friends have settled down I've come to value my sisters more than I would have when I was younger but perhaps I'm looking for too much from them.

CaraMay

That was a nasty comment about your age. I think you have your head screwed on op. Focus on your friends and don't go out of your way for your sister.

username123

Sometimes we have to manage our expectations of people in order not to be disappointed when they let us down. Concentrate on the people in your life who exceed your expectations and try not to be bothered by those who do not.

Unsurewhattodo

username123 wrote: »

It might be a case that the groom only has 2 guys to call on for best man and groomsman or that they want to keep the wedding party numbers down. No one plans a wedding alone, the groom has a say too.

I can understand that you feel left out but it is her wedding, and people are entitled to have whatever wedding they want.

I'm sure it wasn't easy for her to choose between sisters. Regardless, as mentioned above, rise above it and plan how you can enjoy the day. You will be delighted not to have a job on the day when it comes, nothing more boring than having to do all the photos etc, rather than just being there to have a good time.

I absolutely agree, it's her day and she can have whoever she likes. My issue isn't really about being bridesmaid but the realisation that she doesn't see us as being as close as I would have. I don't want to be bridesmaid and certainly not as an add on due to my mother's upset. I also don't want to upset her by bringing up this as an issue. I would love for her to see us as close and value my friendship but I suppose if she doesn't then I need to take a step back from her.

3DataModem

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

I absolutely agree, it's her day and she can have whoever she likes. My issue isn't really about being bridesmaid but the realisation that she doesn't see us as being as close as I would have. I don't want to be bridesmaid and certainly not as an add on due to my mother's upset. I also don't want to upset her by bringing up this as an issue. I would love for her to see us as close and value my friendship but I suppose if she doesn't then I need to take a step back from her.

You can't make her want you as a bridesmaid. Just move on. Enjoy the wedding, perhaps book a trip away in the days leading up to it to avoid all the pre-wedding stuff. Ask your sister if there is anything you can help with the wedding, and rise above it.

Unsurewhattodo

3DataModem wrote: »

You can't make her want you as a bridesmaid. Just move on. Enjoy the wedding, perhaps book a trip away in the days leading up to it to avoid all the pre-wedding stuff. Ask your sister if there is anything you can help with the wedding, and rise above it.

Thanks for your reply, that's what I plan to do.

I am, however, also going to limit how much I'm willing to help with wedding stuff. I think I'll ask her, assume one or two jobs and say no to anything else. Would that be reasonable or bitter behaviour?

CaraMay

Why would you do any jobs?

tinkerbell

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, that's what I plan to do.

I am, however, also going to limit how much I'm willing to help with wedding stuff. I think I'll ask her, assume one or two jobs and say no to anything else. Would that be reasonable or bitter behaviour?

Why help her at all? She's got 2 bridesmaids to do her jobs for her. Tbh what she did was pretty lousy - she confides in you all the time and is close to you, then leaves you out, I wouldn't be too eager to give any more since all she does is take.

Unsurewhattodo

CaraMay wrote: »

Why would you do any jobs?

I suppose I wouldn't have to. So far she brought the one sister who was bridesmaid dress shopping but I did go looking at venues with her and talked through venue/ menus etc with her. She tends to email on ideas (flowers, cake etc) for feedback. I suppose that's not really a job but perhaps I just won't engage so much in it. I'd be happy to do one or two things to help if needed because she is my sister but I don't want to be a fool organising more stuff with her than her bridesmaids.

CaraMay

I think you are being walked over but that's your call.

Unsurewhattodo

tinkerbell wrote: »

Why help her at all? She's got 2 bridesmaids to do her jobs for her. Tbh what she did was pretty lousy - she confides in you all the time and is close to you, then leaves you out, I wouldn't be too eager to give any more since all she does is take.

Thanks and fair enough point, I'll take it on board. I tend to worry I'm being too harsh when generally I'm not harsh enough. Maybe I'll just tell her to contact them about wedding stuff.

CaraMay

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

Thanks and fair enough point, I'll take it on board. I tend to worry I'm being too harsh when generally I'm not harsh enough. Maybe I'll just tell her to contact them about wedding stuff.

Or just don't reply. NO point starting a row.

Hannibal Smith

To be fair op...it shouldn't be up to you to figure it out. It should be your sister coming to you, thanking you for all you've done for her and explaining why you're not a bridesmaid. There is no age limit on bridesmaid and she should be proud to have you there supporting her.

It comes across to me as shallow that she would discount you because of your age and I would ask her if that's the issue. if you don't want to broach the subject then I would approach the wedding like a guest of any other wedding. Plan whst you'll wear...rock up on the day and enjoy the celebrations

bee06

Playing devils advocate here but maybe she could only pick two and thought that you would accept not being chosen best because your more mature/sensible/level headed? Now, she should have absolutely talked to you about her choice but I wouldn't just assume she values you less. It would be such a shame to lose a close sisterly bond over a wedding.

rainbowtrout

It doesn't sound like you've spoken to her about this. Maybe she thought you wouldn't enjoy it? Have you been a bridesmaid before and perhaps complained about what you were asked to do? Given that she has approached you with personal problems maybe she sees you as the one with your head screwed on and would be less likely to tolerate bridezilla behaviour in the run up to the wedding and thought it would be better to ask the other two?

Perhaps she thought having three was too many so she just asked your other two sisters instead?

At the end of the day, it's her wedding and she gets to choose who is bridesmaid, you might have far better fun not being a bridesmaid in the run up to and the day of the wedding.

3DataModem

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, that's what I plan to do.

I am, however, also going to limit how much I'm willing to help with wedding stuff. I think I'll ask her, assume one or two jobs and say no to anything else. Would that be reasonable or bitter behaviour?

I strongly believe that the easiest path in these situations is to be your usual nice self (presuming you are nice - lol!).

It is simply to difficult and to complicated to constantly second-guess how your actions will appear to her and others in the context of this snub. To try and not appear to be too nice / too distant is just effort. Just do what you would normally do.

Others will no doubt post that you should distance yourself, etc, and that's fine. But don't change yourself for better or worse. Your sister(s) will be there forever, and may or may not regret this. You can't change how she feels; all you can do is just be yourself. That is the easy path, and the right path.

December2012

Have I missed a smart comment about your age?

You can be close to your sister as you are, but maybe your other sisters have more in common with her. That does not take away from your individual relationship with her.

Maybe she's not asking for your help with the menus, etc, but is just kind of keeping everybody in the loop for chats etc? I know that in my families recent weddings there has been a Facebook group set up so that all of the females of the family could share laughs and look at things wedding related, but the bride was in no way asking for their help. It was just an atmosphere builder really and a place where any chats / information could be disseminated.

Do you actually know why she asked the two girls that she did ask?

Unsurewhattodo

Thanks for all your replies.

She was just looking to share the enjoyment of organising, feedback on ideas etc. rather than specifically looking for help. No I haven't asked her why as I don't want to create any drama around her wedding or bring any negativity to her plans.

I presume she asked them because she values/respects them more. They wouldn't be the whinging, bitchy type if they weren't chosen. The youngest sister was delighted but didn't expect to be asked.

I'm very glad I posted here as it has helped me get a clearer perspective on the situation and my feelings. We are close enough but it is somewhat one-sided and she can be disrespectful to me at times. I do too much for her. My ex used to complain about my relationship with her. He said I was too much of a doormat for her and she didn't respect me as a consequence. I'm not going to say anything about the wedding but I'm going to start saying no more.

Thank-you all very much.

Muir

OP, could you clarify if she asked one or both your other sisters to be bridesmaids? I think a few people have assumed it's both but you only directly mentioned your youngest sister being bridesmaid? Maybe she is thinking you're a bit older & might not want all the running around of being bridesmaid and doesn't realise you're so upset? She might think it doesn't mean as much to you as your younger sister. Or maybe she isn't as close you your youngest sister & asked her to try to bond more or something? Not being asked isn't a personal attack. Your sister probably has some reason for it that isn't meant to be mean or upset you. I wouldn't let something like this damage your relationship, especially not without talking to her about it.

strandroad

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

I'm very glad I posted here as it has helped me get a clearer perspective on the situation and my feelings. We are close enough but it is somewhat one-sided and she can be disrespectful to me at times. I do too much for her. My ex used to complain about my relationship with her. He said I was too much of a doormat for her and she didn't respect me as a consequence. I'm not going to say anything about the wedding but I'm going to start saying no more.

OP you're handling it in a very mature way, kudos to you. I hope that you can still enjoy the wedding.

I think that your sister behaved terribly; not by omitting you as such, but by not communicating it to you at all. Allowing you to overhear the news and then making a questionable joke are both actions of a person who is either very immature in general or does not respect you specifically.

I would just acknowledge this discovery and step back a little, let her run it her way but do not offer your unconditional support anymore as it's clearly not appreciated. You have many siblings and you can't have perfect relationships with all of them, focus on the ones who reciprocate your affection and be nice and polite to others!

Unsurewhattodo

Muir wrote: »

OP, could you clarify if she asked one or both your other sisters to be bridesmaids? I think a few people have assumed it's both but you only directly mentioned your youngest sister being bridesmaid? Maybe she is thinking you're a bit older & might not want all the running around of being bridesmaid and doesn't realise you're so upset? She might think it doesn't mean as much to you as your younger sister. Or maybe she isn't as close you your youngest sister & asked her to try to bond more or something? Not being asked isn't a personal attack. Your sister probably has some reason for it that isn't meant to be mean or upset you. I wouldn't let something like this damage your relationship, especially not without talking to her about it.

She has asked both sisters. I don't intend to speak to her about it as I don't want to detract from her wedding. Normally, absolutely, I'd agree approaching her about it would be best, however, not in this instance. Instead I'll jeep an eye out for other non-wedding issues and call her on them. If it's a good relationship then I don't think it will be damaged if I establish a few more boundaries, hopefully it'll improve things.

Ham Sambo

Unsurewhattodo wrote: »

My sister is getting married this June. There are four girls in our family. I'm the eldest, mid-30s. The girl getting married is 29. There's one between us in age and then the youngest who's 21. She has chosen to have two bridesmaids. It stung slightly to be left out but I shrugged it off. However, my mother has now heard and is making an issue about the fact that I'm not included. I find I am now more upset about it than I originally was. I have always been good to her and have put myself out to help her often. Recently when she was having some issues I was her port of call for support when she was too embarrassed to even mention it to the others. I am hurt that she'll call upon me more for help and support but, and this is just the latest example of it, has less respect for me than them. Should I just make myself less available to help her in future? I am single but I had always imagined that if I got married they'd all be my bridesmaids. The others have stated that I'd be very childish to have a problem with her choice. All perspectives would be appreciated.

To be honest I think you are making a big deal over nothing, and your Mum should really and truly not interfere in your sisters plans either, You all should rally around your sister and be happy for her.

LegacyUser

It's her wedding, she is perfectly entitled to have no bridesmaids, 1, 2 or whatever number. There could be any reason that she has chosen to have 2: cost, the number of groomsmen, feeling that 3 was too much.

I think you are overreacting tbh. It's her choice. If you don't like it, then that's your choice. But given that you aren't a bridesmaid, I wouldn't get involved in all the wedding drudgery.

Is there a possibility that she sees you as some sort of mammy figure, advising her and (possibly) pulling her up on her choices in life? Do you think she may have wanted the 'fun younger' sisters as bridesmaids instead?

Matteroffact

I think that we value our friendships with different people in different ways. Just because your sister didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship in other ways. She could easily have more respect for you than for her other two sisters but she just felt that these two particular sisters would fit the bill for bridesmaids better than you would. You fit the bill for other things in her life which are no less important to her. Maybe that would be the best way to look at this. We all mean different things to different people. So chin up OP, you are just as important to your sister as the bridesmaids are, so don't even think that you are being neglected in all of this because you are still as important to your sister as you always were.

emmabrighton

I think that you should talk to your sister about how you feel hurt being left out. Tell her that you feel less valued as a sister because she chose to leave you out of the wedding party. Ask her why she chose your other two sisters but elected to leave you out.

Maybe there is a reason that you are not aware of.

You won't know until you ask.

She is your sister, shes not just some friend.

I don't know why she did it but I do know that I have two sisters and I would automatically think of my sister nearest in age to me to be my bridesmaid. Up until your post, I would not have even considered asking my second sister for a number of reasons 1) she got married when I was 3. 2) She is in her fifties and 3) her children are my age.

But actually she might like to part of the wedding party. I just never considered that she would. These are my reasons and if I ever do get married I will be sure to include her so that she doesn't feel left out. But then again, I might not ever get married.

gabsdot40

It is a bit mean of her not in have asked you but remember, she is your sister and you will be in each others lives for ever. This is not worth falling out over.
I would recommend that you just enjoy your sisters wedding. Help her out if she needs it and cut her some slack. Brides can go a bit crazy.
Rise above it.

hoodwinked

just throwing my two cents in here as i got married just over a year ago, so i can kind of see your sisters point of view.


the bridesmaids i picked didn't mean i loved or cared for them more or less then some of my female friends/relatives i would have chosen if i could, it just meant they were my bridesmaids, and done to not cause fuss,

weddings change people, i had numerous family members inserting their 'opinions' or "rules you have to follow" usually rubbish like "your brothers/sisters HAVE to be part of the bridal party...etc" its old folk rubbish, and puts a lot of pressure on you to either have a huge bridal party, (which can be expensive if you are on a budget) or upset feelings like yours have been op.


then of course you have those saying "oh wait for her to go all 'bridezilla' " oh how i detested that word as it was thrown about as soon as you mentioned you were doing something the person didn't agree with.

so chances are your sister is under pressure, and wanted someone she trusted giving an outsiders view on the wedding, if you are her go to person for advice and support, chances are she wants your opinion on the choices made rather than you making them for her as a bridesmaid,

maybe she feels like you were a bridesmaid and she didn't take one of your ideas on board you'd be upset with her, like you are on here giving out about being left out,

who knows her reasons until you ask her? they could be reasonable reasons,

honestly i don't know you and i don't know your sister, but having been there myself you genuinely don't know the kind of pressure brides can be put under, and i am so glad my sister was there for me throughout the process helping me when others were getting odd over this descion and that descion and analyzing every little choice.

so maybe you could put this behind you and just be there and help her.

Unsurewhattodo

Thank-you all for your replies! I have absolutely no intention of falling out with her over this. As I now know how I feel about the situation and what I want to do could I ask that this thread be locked? Thanks again.

matrim

You already mentioned that she originally planed to have 1 bridesmaid and only asked one sister then later the other was added. Given that it was your mother that was on to you about not being one, is it possible that it was your mother that pressured her to pick your other sister for the second bridesmaid and she really only wants one bridesmaid.