Boyfriend doesn't want children

LegacyUser

Hello.

I’m in a bit of a predictament at the moment and I just thought I’d post this here in case anyone has been through something similar and could maybe have any advice.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re very happy together. I feel very lucky to be with him as he is a kind and caring person and we have a lot in common.

We’ve been talking recently about the future and where we see our lives going. He’s told me that he doesn’t think he wants children. It is not something he is sure of but he has said that he feels more strongly towards not having them. For me, being a mother is something I always thought would happen one day. I’m not even sure myself if it’s something I 100% want but I guess I would be more in favour of having them. (I’m 30, he’s 35.)

Which then leads me to thinking if we are really compatible. I would be heartbroken to break up with him as everything else in our relationship is going good.

Maybe I already know the answer in my heart but I suppose there’s a huge emotional attachment there and I would miss him dearly were we to split up.

I don’t expect any magic answers here. I guess I’m just looking to see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

Thanks.

Goldenlady

Hi Op, I feel your pain. I had to walk away from an 8 year relationship because of this. Similar to you, everything else was perfect but I had to be true to myself. I didn't want to end up resenting him in years to come if the urge to have a child grew so strong I wanted one. I too am not 100% sure if I want kids, but my advice to you is walk away now. Im 34 now and wish I had walked away a few years back and not waited hoping for things to change. The fact you have asked for advice here, means its an issue for you. don't try to bury it like I did. If he 100% wont have kids, do what is right for you. best of luck xx

Victoria Fortescue

qwerty1111 wrote: »

Hello.

I’m in a bit of a predictament at the moment and I just thought I’d post this here in case anyone has been through something similar and could maybe have any advice.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re very happy together. I feel very lucky to be with him as he is a kind and caring person and we have a lot in common.

We’ve been talking recently about the future and where we see our lives going. He’s told me that he doesn’t think he wants children. It is not something he is sure of but he has said that he feels more strongly towards not having them. For me, being a mother is something I always thought would happen one day. I’m not even sure myself if it’s something I 100% want but I guess I would be more in favour of having them. (I’m 30, he’s 35.)

Which then leads me to thinking if we are really compatible. I would be heartbroken to break up with him as everything else in our relationship is going good.

Maybe I already know the answer in my heart but I suppose there’s a huge emotional attachment there and I would miss him dearly were we to split up.

I don’t expect any magic answers here. I guess I’m just looking to see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

Thanks.

I don't think it's as cut and dry as just leaving the guy, you need to be certain before you walk away from a perfectly good relationship. He says he doesn't think he wants children. I didn't think I wanted children in the past, but I'm delighted to be a mother now. This change in attitude came with changes in the relationship and for some reason we both felt ready, and the idea wasn't that scary anymore. I couldn't have predicted that.

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend again, only this time explain to him it is a deal breaker for you. I'm sure you don't want children yet, and tell him that. But it's something that could potentially make you very unhappy in the future if it's a flat no. He can then give you some clarity about his feelings on the matter and you can decide what to do from there.

Tasden

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

I don't think it's as cut and dry as just leaving the guy, you need to be certain before you walk away from a perfectly good relationship. He says he doesn't think he wants children. I didn't think I wanted children in the past, but I'm delighted to be a mother now. This change in attitude came with changes in the relationship and for some reason we both felt ready, and the idea wasn't that scary anymore. I couldn't have predicted that.

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend again, only this time explain to him it is a deal breaker for you. I'm sure you don't want children yet, and tell him that. But it's something that could potentially make you very unhappy in the future if it's a flat no. He can then give you some clarity about his feelings on the matter and you can decide what to do from there.

Or he could tell op that he isn't sure if he will ever change his mind, as he already told her, and she will be in the same predicament and will be left holding on hope that he will when he may never change his mind.
Or he will feel pressured into making a decision in order to keep her and he'll be forced to say he may wants kids some day when he doesnt really intend to.

I don't know op, I would've been inclined to say the same not to leave prematurely but then as a previous poster pointed out, its already an issue if you're posting about it and if he genuinely doesn't want kids then its always going to be an issue if you do.

CaraMay

At least he is being honest with you - my ex lied to me for 2 years about wanting kids because he hadn't wanted to lose me �� That wasn't very fair when I was already mid 30's. We broke up then naturally enough.

I think it's a good idea to talk to him and explain how much you want kids. I found my desire to have kids getting stronger as my 30's progressed and I'm a string believer in couples complimenting each other and one persons wants should not make the other unhappy. It's fair enough that he doesn't but There are a lot of great guys out there who do want a family. Sounds like you do too so don't let your current bf stand in your way of that.

Merkin

I wouldn't hang around in the vain hope that he will one day change his mind, I've seen too many threads like that here. He has expressly told you that he doesn't want children but can't be entirely sure. There are already too many unknown variables at play to take a gamble on him suddenly becoming all paternal.

You need to ask yourself whether having children one day or staying with him and never having a family is more important and then make your decision accordingly. I personally don't think you should compromise on your own hopes and dreams and I'd never, ever continue with a relationship where I'd pinned my hopes on a person changing their views on something so fundamental.

I know it must be a very painful experience but you're right to do that soul searching now rather than feeling bitter and resentful when you're older and your chances of getting pregnant decrease with age. If you dream of children then of course you deserve to meet a lovely person who wants to share that experience with you.

Victoria Fortescue

Tasden wrote: »

Or he could tell op that he isn't sure if he will ever change his mind, as he already told her, and she will be in the same predicament and will be left holding on hope that he will when he may never change his mind.
Or he will feel pressured into making a decision in order to keep her and he'll be forced to say he may wants kids some day when he doesnt really intend to.

I can see what you mean about feeling pressured, but even if she doesn't give him the opportunity to talk about it and tells him it's over, surely she would have to explain why. That could either end the relationship or he may ask if they can talk about it first.

It's not quite the same thing, but I've children myself from a previous relationship and I feel my family is complete. I don't want to have anymore children, but I'm not so sure my partner is on the same line of thinking. He has none of his own, and has mentioned in passing he might like one or two down the line. I love him dearly, therefore I would hear him out and consider more if it made him happy. It's not that it would make me unhappy, but even one child is a huge commitment, let alone adding to the brood. The bottom line is I'd love the child as I do the others, and my OH.

I understand the OP 's boyfriend may turn out to be dead against it, and if that's the case so be it. Regarding giving a yes answer when he feels differently, I think she should be able to tell by his face, eyes, body language etc. She would have to be honest with herself if it doesn't look like a heartfelt response, it's time to move on.

Maura74

As you have invested 2 years in the relationship why not sit down and with him and find out why he does not want children. Perhaps he came from an unhappy family background or maybe he feels that the would not make a good dad.

Do know throw 2 years of your life away without a explanation first.

Stavro Mueller

Maura74 wrote: »

As you have invested 2 years in the relationship why not sit down and with him and find out why he does not want children. Perhaps he came from an unhappy family background or maybe he feels that the would not make a good dad.

Do know throw 2 years of your life away without a explanation first.

I don't want to drag this thread off-topic but there doesn't always have to be a reason why someone doesn't want kids. Some people don't like kids, others like them but also enjoy being able to hand them back to their parents. I don't believe the OP's boyfriend owes her and explanation. He's being honest with her and has unfortunately landed her with a dilemma.

I don't think anyone can give you a definite answer I'm afraid. I've been reading and posting on this forum for quite a while and have seen every possible outcome to these sorts of predicaments. I think it boils down to what you want. If you definitely want children it may be that you will have to split with your boyfriend and take your chances. It's a horrible scenario I know. Unfortunately nobody can predict the future or human emotions.

bp

If he definitely doesn't want children there is no point hanging around to see what happens. Not being cruel but I know both men and women who have stayed in relationships longer than they should hoping their partner would change there mind and it only added to the heart break later.

Have a serious talk and decide together where to go from here.

Balaclava1991

qwerty1111 wrote: »

Hello.

I’m in a bit of a predictament at the moment and I just thought I’d post this here in case anyone has been through something similar and could maybe have any advice.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re very happy together. I feel very lucky to be with him as he is a kind and caring person and we have a lot in common.

We’ve been talking recently about the future and where we see our lives going. He’s told me that he doesn’t think he wants children. It is not something he is sure of but he has said that he feels more strongly towards not having them. For me, being a mother is something I always thought would happen one day. I’m not even sure myself if it’s something I 100% want but I guess I would be more in favour of having them. (I’m 30, he’s 35.)

Which then leads me to thinking if we are really compatible. I would be heartbroken to break up with him as everything else in our relationship is going good.

Maybe I already know the answer in my heart but I suppose there’s a huge emotional attachment there and I would miss him dearly were we to split up.

I don’t expect any magic answers here. I guess I’m just looking to see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

Thanks.

For most women the idea of never becoming a mother is a deal breaker in a relationship.
You both clearly want different things.
If you really want to be a mother then walk away right now and don't look back.
It's up to him to find a partner who doesn't want kids of her own.
There is no point in looking backing when you are in your 50s or 60s and regretting what might have been if you had only met someone else who did want children.

Maura74

cymbaline wrote: »

Some people don't like kids, others like them but also enjoy being able to hand them back to their parents.

I thought that was the prerogative of grandparents. I certainly enjoyed my grandchildren more than my own as responsibility was attached to your own children, but with grandchildren the responsibility is with their parents.

You are right no one can predict the future and some times people have to take a risk in life if they love the person enough and want to spend the rest of their life with s/he.

hypersonic

if the idea of having children is more valuable to you than the relationship your in then let the guy get on with his life. I'm not trying to be harsh but I feel your already in the relationship for the wrong reasons. you probably know this already, so work up the courage and do the right thing.

Mayboy

Hi,

As a guy I was terrified about having kids - absolutely did not want them, but then as my relationship deepened I went for it - I have two super kids now. My only regret is that I did not have more. Maybe (this is just my perspective) he is afraid of the next big step, thinks they'll be a nightmare (big responsibility), a big change (life changes all the time remember) - it could be lots of things - you do need to decide though if he categorically, 100 per cent does not want kids and if so then decide how that fits for you. For me it was normal to be shi*less about having kids! a big step.

Good Luck

Unsurewhattodo

qwerty1111 wrote: »

Hello.

Which then leads me to thinking if we are really compatible. I would be heartbroken to break up with him as everything else in our relationship is going good.

Maybe I already know the answer in my heart but I suppose there’s a huge emotional attachment there and I would miss him dearly were we to split up.

Thanks.

You would of course miss him and perhaps even realise that being with him is more important to you than having children. A friend of mine can't have children. Her husband always wanted them. They broke up when he realised it wad a deal breaker for him. He missed her more than the prospect of not having children however, so they reunited and got married. (Of course the decision to break up should always be taken as final, I'm not suggesting give it a go and you can always have him back, obviously he might not want that.)

Sit him down, talk it through. As others have said perhaps he's just scared, but if he's serious then it sounds like it's a deal breaker for you. Best of luck!

happyoutgrand

I've just come through this, long term bf said to me that no he didn't want children and we spoke about it many times. I had made my mind up to leave him in new year, I decided not to give big ultimatiums just that what would be would be. He knew this was pressing on me, I feel he knew I was getting ready to leave. I looked up websites, forums, spoke to counsellor etc and she said most importantly it was up to me to figure out what I wanted and if this relationship was for me. It was a dealbreaker and I want my options open. A month ago bf came to me and said that he would trust in me, in our relationship and would be happy if we had children. He spoke of his fear and worry for me health wise and for child etc and that was main reason behind reluctance. I think we all know in our hearts what's right for us,maybe it took him longer but give him time to make his definite decision and in the meantime you should decide for yourself what you must do. Hopefully it'll work out for you both together and if not you'll know you made right decision for you. It's not easy but once you know yourself then you'll know what you can accept from him.

LegacyUser

Hello.

This is the OP again.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. It definitely helps hearing from different perspectives.

Yes I will most definitely have to talk to him more about this and find out his bottom line before making any decisions.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

At 30 you are entitled to have this conversation with your boyfriend of two years.
Your boyfriend is 35 and has told you that he does not want children.
At this stage I would tell him that you have decided that you want a family and due to this you have to end things with him.
I know that this is not easy to do but I know several woman who did this in the past. They went on to meet men who wanted children and they now have families.
At this stage you can't keep your life on hold with the hope he will change his mind if you give him time.

One of my relatives was going out with a man for a number of years. When she got to 30 she asked when were they going to get married/have a family and he told her I don't want this. She broke up with him but got back with him a few months later. They broke up again after this. She is now single in her late 40's and never had the family she wanted.

One of my friends started to try for a baby aged 32/33 and had a baby when she was almost 40 via ivf. She found it hard to get pregnant and had several miscarriages during this time also.
I know several woman who it took a while both to get and stay pregnant.
At 30 I would advise you that to give yourself the best chance possible of having a family that you start to try within the next 3 years.

GreeBo

I think you need to talk to him about it and let him realise that this is a deal breaker for you. It would be a waste of potential for you to just break up and not give him the option to make a conscious decision about you, the relationship and kids.

Honestly, other than a possibly awkward conversation what do you have to lose?

dannyc31

OP men can change their feelings about the children thing as they get older. he is 35. i would say if he was 39 approaching 40 and was telling you he definitely never wants children well then thats that and you'd have to make a decision to walk away.

you are 30 so there is a good time window of 5 years to try have a baby naturally. so i'm not sure if you should be at panic stations just yet. you definitely need to talk to him. would he be open to the possibility to having children in the next 5 years. if its a definite no, you could tell him that it is a deal breaker for you and that he would lose you.

now rather than him doing it to keep you happy and resenting becoming a father later, i think you would have to ask him what is reasons or fears are into having children. of course there are people who just dont want them and thats that, same way as there are people who know they always wanted them, but there are also others who have unrealistic fears to what a baby will do to their lives. so maybe these fears could be teased out and he might warm to the idea of starting a family soon. like many men, he may just fear these massive big steps, marriage and kids etc. have you spoke about marriage? how does be feel about marriage even?

GreeBo

I've known that I want kids for long time, I'm 36 now but have never met someone (a guy friend I mean) who didnt know either way before 30.
I think at 35 if you know you dont want them, that isnt going to change.

However, he doesnt seem that convinced to me that he doesnt want them. Maybe he assumes he doesnt because he still feels like he is free and single and 25. I definitely think a proper chat about this is in order; then you need to give him some time to think about it (just make sure he does think about it!)

LegacyUser

Hello.

This is the OP again.

I think part of his reason for being more against having them is that his brother from what I hear is unhappily married and has a young child. From what my boyfriend tells me, having a child has put a lot of stress on their relationship. Maybe there were issues there beforehand and having a child put an enormous strain on their relationship. I think my boyfriend sees his brother being so stressed and maybe this has put him right off the idea.

Obviously I don't know this for sure and need to talk to him. It's just the impression I get.

sligoface

Mayboy wrote: »

Hi,

As a guy I was terrified about having kids - absolutely did not want them, but then as my relationship deepened I went for it - I have two super kids now. My only regret is that I did not have more. Maybe (this is just my perspective) he is afraid of the next big step, thinks they'll be a nightmare (big responsibility), a big change (life changes all the time remember) - it could be lots of things - you do need to decide though if he categorically, 100 per cent does not want kids and if so then decide how that fits for you. For me it was normal to be shi*less about having kids! a big step.

Good Luck

Oh sweet Jesus, it's just these kinds of stories that encourage women into thinking that a man will change their mind once the baby is here, it doesn't always work that way! Some will even allow themselves to get pregnant to try and force that change, unfortunately. But if the man doesn't suddenly become a dedicated family man as you did, and instead is angry and resentful that he now has a huge responsibility he never wanted, then the woman's life and the children's life are going to be negatively affected in so many ways.

Kudos to you for becoming a loving father, but OPs bf might not change his mind like you did. When women assume this will happen it really annoys me, it shows a total disregard for the man's feelings, putting them secondary to the womans desire to reproduce. And because society sees reproduction as the norm, it is pretty much considered acceptable to impose fatherhood on a man this way. Some people seem to really begrudge grown men the right to enjoy their life without having the massive responsibility of fatherhood thrust upon them, and think that not wanting kids means a man is a selfish lout. I myself like children, but do not have the desire to have them for several good reasons, one of which is that I have a chronic, incurable disease that is genetic and made me miserable, especially when I was a child and didn't understand why I was in so much pain. I could never watch my child suffer with that. To me, having a child that you know will not be happy is far more selfish than not having one. And a child whose father never wanted him certainly runs the risk of being an unhappy child.

OP, I would tell him that you want children, end of story, so you want to be with someone that definitely does as well and that he'd be better off finding a woman who doesn't want them either. Don't hang around with fingers crossed that he will change his mind, and don't try and force him to, he's old enough to have figured it out by now. You don't want to change your mind, don't expect him to. Do yourself and future offspring a favor and find someone who really wants to be a father.

dannyc31

Oh sweet Jesus, it's just these kinds of stories that encourage women into thinking that a man will change their mind once the baby is here, it doesn't always work that way! Some will even allow themselves to get pregnant to try and force that change, unfortunately. But if the man doesn't suddenly become a dedicated family man as you did, and instead is angry and resentful that he now has a huge responsibility he never wanted, then the woman's life and the children's life are going to be negatively affected in so many ways.

Kudos to you for becoming a loving father, but OPs bf might not change his mind like you did. When women assume this will happen it really annoys me, it shows a total disregard for the man's feelings, putting them secondary to the womans desire to reproduce. And because society sees reproduction as the norm, it is pretty much considered acceptable to impose fatherhood on a man this way. Some people seem to really begrudge grown men the right to enjoy their life without having the massive responsibility of fatherhood thrust upon them, and think that not wanting kids means a man is a selfish lout.

i agree, this is one of these areas that isnt spoken about in society but i think its a massive issue. in fact i think alot of the mental health issues that we see in relation to men can be because of these such social pressures.

as you said, often the mans wants and needs seem to be forgotten about when it comes to deciding to have children and he is just expected to do his duty as a man and get is wife or girlfriend pregnant. i've even seen programs on tv where they almost make a joke about a man's anxieties in regards to entering fatherhood, the attitude being "oh just man up and grow up" you'll come round. its the biggest decision that a couple will ever make and for one party to be on the fence or just doing it to keep the other happy is very very dangerous in the long run.

unfortunately there are alot of single mothers in this country because of this.

OP, I would tell him that you want children, end of story, so you want to be with someone that definitely does as well and that he'd be better off finding a woman who doesn't want them either. Don't hang around with fingers crossed that he will change his mind, and don't try and force him to, he's old enough to have figured it out by now. You don't want to change your mind, don't expect him to. Do yourself and future offspring a favor and find someone who really wants to be a father.

the reason i wouldnt totally agree with this is that we are essentially designed to reproduce and the mechanism we use t make that happen is to fall in love with someone. you cant tell how you will feel about anything until you fall in love. love changes everything and if you are sure you have met the right person and want to spend the rest of your life with them, the idea of having a couple of kids might all of a sudden become an exciting thing.it also may confirm that you never want kids but i just wouldnt rule it out for this guy just yet.

LegacyUser

Just to give you a bit of hope...

Was with my boyfriend 9 months when we had the 'children' discussion. He was dead against having children. I thought I would like children but thought maybe I could give that up and stay with him. We had one or two big long chats and then decided we had to break up. I told my boyfriend I couldn't decide never to have kids and that I was saying goodbye. After three miserable months apart with very little contact we got back together again. My boyfriend had changed his mind and said he would be prepared to have children. I was 36 at the time, by the way, and my boyfriend was 46. We plan to get married this year. Whether we end up having children or not is in the lap of the gods, but at least we are both on the same page.

My advice is for you and your boyfriend to be very honest with each other. Give yourselves time to have a few long walks somewhere nice to discuss things. Talk to friends and family that you can trust. Go to a counsellor if you need to. I did, just three times, and it was a great help. It was the counsellor that made me realise I actually did want children. I also posted on boards... and got a lot of good advice.

I would also say, don't let this go on for too long. Don't let it drag on for a few months. You both need to do some soul searching now. And if you're not both on the same page you have to go through the pain of breaking up. That's never easy, but it is for the best in the long run.

Best of luck!