Family make me feel like nothing

LegacyUser

I'm just wondering how to deal with a toxic family, namely siblings. My backstory is that I am 29 and have just spent a few days at home with my parents and my brother and sister. We've always gotten on each others nerves and never spent more than a few hours in each others company since our teens which is just how I like it.

This year has been a tough year, I lost a baby, my marriage and my job in the space of 5 months, am very much in debt at the moment and mentally up and down a lot. Last week was the first face to face contact I've had with my siblings since it all happened and they went to town on me. My brother started off by telling me before I even took my coat off that he had seen my ex in town a few days before with a new woman, he told me two days later that it was all a joke and he was just having a laugh but it ruined the few days for me. My sister didn't stop rubbing my nose in my lack of a job or the cheap gifts I had bought for everyone.

Its now reached a point where I no longer know what it is I get out of these people, I have nothing apart from blood to connect us, no interests, no common ground. My parents are both elderly and bless them they don't need the hassle but they would never say anything and I wouldn't expect them too. I'm at a stage now where I want to try and put the last year behind me and move on and I don't think I can do this with them in my life. I took them both off my FB yesterday and as expected received a flurry of texts from my brother and a phone call late last night basically telling me what was wrong with me and why I was such a loser.

But I am worried about my parents, they won't understand, they will see it as me trying to cause problems and I don't want to upset them. I don't know what to do or probably more to the point I know what I want to do but not sure how to do it.

Maura74

I had the same with my family but more of them. Keep in contact with your parents and stay away for your brother and sister until they grown up. Stay away until thing settle have down a bit. Then contact your parents as are elderly they do not want sibling rivalry going on around them, it is very stressful for them. You sound an independent person therefore why be with family that have not bonded with you. Some families can be very destructive.

Take care and best of luck

Mayboy

Hiya,

I'm sorry this is so difficult. Have you had a read about family dynamics - interesting and might shed light on where you fit in or not as is the case sometimes. I found as I got more assertive and stated my needs clearly things got better for me. I still find my family a little difficult but not at all like they were. Good Luck. X

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I was in counselling for a while and found it very helpful but money wise I can't really make it work anymore. Its something I will go back to if I need it when my finances are in better shape.

I've made a decision to end contact with my siblings, that will be easy enough as we don't really talk much anyway only at family events and so on. Already I feel a bit lighter for having made that choice. I've contacted them both and told them and hoped maybe they would look at it from my point of view but no such luck. Their opinions are that I needed to be taken down a peg or two and that I am making mountains out of molehills so that is that.

My parents are upset as you can imagine, my mother the eternal peacemaker is trying to get me to reconsider. She doesn't see anything for what it is and thinks every argument or falling out is an extension of a childhood squabble. She doesn't realise how emotionally fragile I am at the moment and why I need this space and is laying a guilt trip at my door. My father is just staying out of it as usual. I suppose my big fear is given their ages that the stress of this might not be good for them...they are both in their 80's and this is the last thing they need and I don't want to do anything that might cause them ill health. Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much about them. I don't know how to find a balance between my needs for my own health and my responsibilty as their child.

marizpan

I have unfortunately too much experience of this but this is my 2cents.

You shouldn't have told your siblings, you should have just broke contact with them.
By telling them you have started a family drama with you as the bad guy.
It will effect the relationship with your parents as they will be put in the middle, as peace keepers etc and the guilt will make you back off and reconsider.

Make friends with your siblings, nod and smile and then drop them from your life. If your parents ask, of course you are talking to them. Then keep your parents out of the stress and drama : no guilt.
At family occasions be polite,pass yourself until the next year.
Make it easy on yourself, without looking like the bad guy.

dipdip

daisywheel wrote: »

My backstory is that I am 29 and have just spent a few days at home with my parents and my brother and sister.

daisywheel wrote: »

I suppose my big fear is given their ages that the stress of this might not be good for them...they are both in their 80's and this is the last thing they need and I don't want to do anything that might cause them ill health.

I don't understand how your parents are in their eighties if you are 29, but anyway...

Severing toxic relationships is very, very difficult, and when a boundary is set, it is typical that toxic people freak out about it. You are doing the right thing and you do not need to feel guilty. Take the space that you need, ignore any constructive or spiteful criticism and do something regularly that helps you feel peaceful - pray, meditate, yoga etc. Self-care is a good antidote to guilt inflicted by others.