Lost a Friend

LegacyUser

While at University, I was best friends with a girl, we'll call her Emma. We met in student accommodation, we were in the same block but not the same flat and we got on so well. People would call us 'the partners in crime' because we were almost always together, we were both big into going out drinking (as you do at that age) and shared so many memories and good times. After first year Emma and I moved into a house together with two other girls, Emma and I were closer then the other two. We both had other friends but were better friend with each other than anyone else. In second year Emma got a boyfriend who she spent a LOT of time with but we still spent many nights out and in together, we always had such a laugh.

When Uni finished I moved back to my home city and then soon after moved to a other country. Emma and I stayed in contact but didn't see each other as much. We'd email facebook, call and see each other when I was back home. Obviously our friendship drifted a bit but I still considered her one of my best friends and we always got on like a house on fire when we were together. Anyway years passed like this, she broke up with her boyfriend and I booked a trip to go and see her for the weekend as I knew she would be devastated. We had a really good time, I comforted her and listed to her situation. Went out some of our old favourite places, had a great time, and both said how much we missed each other and that we should meet up more often, I invited her to come and see me abroad. All was well and I really enjoyed seeing her again.

A few months passed and she seemed to be doing well, got a new boyfriend and got promotion in work. I congratulated her on the promotion and ask her to come see me again if she had time.

As you an imagine, I was astounded to see, soon after that that she had defriended me on Facebook. I couldn't imagine why this would be as I still considered her to be one of my best friends and we certainly hadn't had any arguments or disagreements. I immediately added her as a friend again as I thought the most likely thing was that she had done it accidently or that someone had hacked into her facebook and deleted people. I also sent her a message at the same time, not mentioning the defriending but just asking her abut her knew job and telling her how I was etc. She accepted the friend request but did not respond to my message. I left it a few months and sent her another message, again not mentioning the defriending or the last message and just asking her general things. I was used to messaging her every few months anyway so this was normal as I still thought it was all a misunderstanding. There was no reply.

I have to admit this really bothered me because still really liked Emma, and missed our messages and chats. I considered her one of my best friends and hoped to always be in contact with her. We shared so many memories.

This was about 2 years ago, since this I have sent her the occasional message just asking general things, hoping that she would have come around from what every issue she was having. She has never responded. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been harassing her, I have left months between the messages and haven't sent anything at all in the last 6-8 months after I realised she wasn't going to respond. Except for a Happy Birthday post.

I checked facebook over Christmas and noticed that she has defriended me again. I am not going to send her another friend request because our friendship s clearly dead by this stage. I am just at a loss to understand what went wrong. I really miss her and don't know what I did wrong to her. I have noticed on facebook that she is still friends several of our mutual friends from uni who she was not that close to and as far as I know hasn't seen since uni. Its just me she has defriended.

A few things have gone through my mind as t what the reason might be but none of them make sense.
Is it something to do with her new boyfriend (but then I have never met him)?
Did I say something wrong to her the last time?
She is religious and I am not (but this has never been a problem before for us)?
She did once tell me she was jealous of me when I moved abroad and got uspet, I have been travelling again recently ad the pics are up (but this isn't a reason to stop being friends with someone)

Do people think it's appropriate for me to send her a message asking her what's wrong and if I have done anything to upset her. I know she isn't going to be friends with me now but it's wrecking my head. I would love to know.

LegacyUser

No one can tell really.

As for Facebook, if you are not friends, the messages go into the "other" inbox and are rarely read.

Some people are good at staying in touch (I am one of those people). Others are not (I have many of those friends as well).

What I find is that I have stopped having the type of conversations with my friends as you have had with yours. The last time I did, my friend said that yes, he was bad at communicating and he would get in touch more often. He never did. Once I realised that this was the case, it stopped bothering me.

Thing is, we were at different stages in our lives - and sometimes life gets in the way. People do other things, they have family, partners etc...

I see it with myself at the moment. I have study, work and family and my best friend and I haven't seen each other over Christmas.

DOn't blame yourself though.

GreeBo

Sorry to hear about this OP, it can be very hurtful when you lose contact with a friend. For now I would stop contacting her, for whatever reason things are weird between you two.
Next time you are home, maybe txt her to say are around and would like to meet and catch up...if she doesn't reply etc then you know it's pretty much an ex friendship.

All the best and good luck.

Ohmydays83

Sorry to hear this Debbra but I'm sure we've all experienced this at one point or another.

I guess it is a case of life moving on. As welleum says, do not blame yourself or feel you have done wrong, you absolutely have not. Treasure the memories.

I had the same lingering questions as you earlier in 2013 when a friend just stopped replying to my texts for no apparent reason. Had known her since 2006. Eventually I realised that it was her own issue, whatever that may have been.

Dont beat yourself up, you have done your best to keep in contact. You cannot control her actions/behaviour.

Happy new year in 2014. You will make many new friends.

LegacyUser

I had a friend I'd known since college and had stayed in touch with. We occasionally went off on short breaks or holidays, used to meet up regularly etc. Just regular friend stuff. Then at some stage she started to get on my nerves a bit. I can't tell you exactly why or how but the end result was that I didn't even want to hang around with her any more. In my mind the switch flipped almost overnight. Heartless and all as it sounds, I cut her out of my life. I'm sure she still has no idea why I did this because it would've come out of the blue to her. I'm glad she never bothered trying to get in touch again. Even if she did, I would've ignored each and ever text that came my way, every call would've been unanswered and every email straight into Spam.

Am I a cold-hearted b!tch? Maybe I am but I'm telling you this story so that you might understand a bit better where your friend's coming from. Maybe there's a reason, maybe there isn't. The end result is the same - she's no longer your friend and I doubt she ever wants to hear from you again.

LegacyUser

Thank for your replies.

I don't think I have her most recent phone number anymore what with living in another country so I couldn't try texting her. I also don't don't live in the same city as her, she stayed in the town we went to uni and I went abroad, even when I am back home I am at my home city not where she is so I could never be 'just round the corner' by chance.

The problem isn't so much that our friendship has drifted and fizzled out. I have a few other people over the years I used to be good friends with and this happened with them, while it's sad, I know it's natural and don't worry about it to much. The problem in this case is the finality of cutting me out completely, with no explanation when we use to be so close. She hasn't done the same to other people on facebook, I can see that we have several mutual friends who are people that she knew at uni a lot less then me and she hasn't defriended them. It leads me to believe that she thinks I have done something 'wrong' to her.

I guess I will never know. You can't force anyone to be friends with you, I know that. At time I just feel a bit angry with her for putting me through his with no explanation, I think I am owed an explanation at least after so long. I have been very good to her over the years.

LegacyUser

You mention that you two were kinda party animals in college, mad into drinking, "partners in crime", lots of memories of good nights together and I'm sure plenty of stories to reminisce about etc.

Your friend gets a new boyfriend, and a new promotion at work and very soon after 'defriends' you.

You also mention that your friend is quite religious and you have never met her new boyfriend.

A few possibilities come to mind.

Is it possible that your friend has just reinvented herself a bit with the new promotion and new boyfriend? Might her mad party days be something she wishes to distance herself from, and doesn't want her new work colleagues or possible new friends to know much about her past?

Might her new boyfriend also be quite religious and might there be stuff from her party days that she might not like this new boyfriend to ever hear about? You could be a problem to her if there is stuff you know about her that she might want to keep hidden from him.

[Btw I'm not suggesting you 2 did anything too crazy or out of the ordinary in college but maybe if she has new friends/colleagues/boyfriend whom she feels would disapprove of some of her fun past stories for possible religious reasons, or maybe non religious reasons but for just different kinda snobby attitudes, she might want to keep it quiet. I also know that a lot of religious people would not give a flip about her past or be judgemental but some might, and it's just a suggestion.]

You two always had other friends but you always considered the two of ye to be the most close. Could it be possible that you viewed the friendship differently and that she saw you more as her "party buddy" but was actually closer to some of the other mutual friends who you say she is still friends with on facebook?

Maybe she is a bit jealous of your travelling pics, or maybe it is just as simple as she feels ye have drifted and ye just don't have much in common anymore with her new lifestyle.

Whatever the reasons, (and unless she has misinterpreted some of your messages in a negative or bragging way) then it sounds like the issue lies with her. I would just make no further attempts at contacting her and try to accept that for whatever reason she is no longer a good friend. Try to focus more on your newer friendships and don't stress yourself out about her anymore.

Big Bag of Chips

You say she mentioned before that she was jealous of you moving away. Are you a regular presence on Facebook? Maybe all your pictures and statuses about what you're doing just annoyed her?

It's difficult to say, and we can spend as long as we like speculating what might have happened. But it doesn't change the fact that she's decided she no longer wants to be in touch with you. It's hard to understand. It's upsetting when it happens. But all you can do is accept her decision and move on.

holyhead

OP sorry to hear that you have lost what you regarded as a strong friendship. I would remember the good times and move on. From what you have said you have done the contacting with little or no communication coming your way. It looks like she has moved on with life and sadly doesn't seem to want to include you in her circle. No one knows what goes on in other people's minds either through there own thought process or through being influenced.
Every good wishes to you.

LegacyUser

Thanks fir the replies again everyone. Although reading all that I actually feel worse! ha ha.

Just to clear up a few things, I am not an over the top facebook poster. I have put up a good few pictures recently from travelling but apart from that I rarely put any up, save for the odd one I am tagged in by someone else. I also very rarely post anything. I know how annoying it is when people insist in announcing online what they are having for dinner and what they're watching on TV. So I don't think it's that.

She isn't closer to the other people we have as mutual friends. They were just people she used to know vaguely she could barely be bothered with them when we were at uni. This is why I find it so strange that she is still friends with them and not me. That's why I feel singled out in this, it just feels so purposeful.

The messages I sent her were not bragging and I don't think she could have taken them up like that. Mostly I was asking how she was and giving her bits and bobs of info about how I was doing both good and bad, I am not a show of by nature. I don't know why she would be jealous of me because she herself has a good job, a boyfriend she likes (I suppose), she has a good family, and as always been a nice looking, interesting and well liked person. I do know that she used to suffer from mild depression years ago I don't know if it's something to do with that. It just struck me as odd that she said that about being really jealous of me moving abroad, Ii didn't think she was a jealous type of person.

Do people really think it's a bad idea for me to contact her one last time and ask if I have done anything to upset her. If she doesn't reply I would leave it at that, obviously. I think it's what the americans call closure.

Mr. Incognito

You know where she works, pick up a phone and call her at work.

There are a myriad of reasons but you need to talk to her

None of this social media nonsense

Pick up a phone

ABajaninCork

I wouldn't. She's defriended you, and ignores any messages you send her. If you phone, that'll be putting her on the spot, and she's unlikely to tell you anything. Personally, I think that's passive-aggressive behaviour, but that's how a lot of people are in this social media age.

This friendship is dead. For whatever reason, it's dead. Don't chase after her any more and certainly don't ask what you did wrong. You've done nothing wrong, but it's clear your ex-friend's moved on and you should do the same.

Make it a New Year's resolution to make more friends.

Good luck!

Stavro Mueller

If it was me I'd rather stick needles in my eyeballs than ring up someone and ask why they didn't want to be friends with me any more. It's cringey and it's needy and it'll achieve nothing. Do you really think she's going to come out and give you a reason? It looks like she had been going off the OP for a while (the first defriending) and possibly felt guilted into accepting the friendship request when it came back in.

LegacyUser

Thanks Mr Incognito, but I really wouldn't call her at work. I have never had her work number and I don't even know exactly what department she works in, it's a big enough place. If she doesn't even want to talk to me on facebook any more I can only imagine how shocked she would be if I called her at wok out f the blue. It just wouldn't feel appropriate to me and I wouldn't like it if someone I didn't want to speak to did that to me.

I know a lot of what goes on social networking sights is nonsence but I think I am a fairly sensible user and I have found it a good method of staying in touch with people while I am living abroad.

It's not so much that she has defriended me from facebook that is the problems it's the end of our friendship that bothers me. It just so happens it took place over facebook.

CaraMay

But what closure do you need?

I agree with the others - just let it go and move on as she is unlikely to give you a straight answer anyway.

Meauldsegosha

I agree with the last few posters OP you should just forget about it now and move on. You have tried numerous times over the last two years to contact her and she hasn't responded. I certainly wouldn't be ringing her in work that would make you look very bad.

LegacyUser

Just to make it clear that I have absolutely no intention of calling her up and 'asking why she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore' either on her own number or a professional one. I realise this would be needy and pointless. I am also well aware that the friendship is dead.

I posted this issue mostly to see if anyone had experienced anything similar and if they could shed any light on it (although, I know people online aren't going to be able to tell me what's happening in her head) and if people think it would be appropriate to send her one more message just for the sake of closure/curiosity as the problem has been playing on my mind for a long time and I find myself quite perplexed by it. Ii think I am a fairly insightful person and it's very rare that someone I know does something that comes and me out of the blue like this, so it has shaken me.

Daisy78

The question you should be asking yourself is why you want to remain friends with some flake who decides on a whim she no longer wants to remain friends with you? I have zero tolerance for this kind of nonsense, il give somebody the benefit of the doubt certainly but I would not be running after them in desperation looking for some kind of explanation as to why they took a notion and can't be bothered to make the effort. Seriously if you can't think of any obvious reason for her cutting contact then the problem lies with her and not you. She sounds like a head wrecker and if she is prepared to cut contact so easily then she wasn't worth your time and effort in the first place.

My advice......find better friends ....

LegacyUser

Thanks Daisy and everyone else for the replies.

I know I do need to look forward and friend new friends. I just think I would like to send one more message asking if he could give me an explanation, I know she probably wont respond. I think it's more that I want her to know that the way she's treated me ere isn't right. I just find it callous and strange. I am not talking about messaging her with a load of abuse or anything like that just asking her what the deal is. I realise our friendship is dead now, I don't know why but it's something I can't sop thinking about. All of the pther messages over the last two years I have sent her have just been friendly messeges, I have never acknowledged that she had defriended me or anything, I think I would just like to send one that acknowledge the situation and told her how confused and disappointed I was with the situation. I don't expect it to restart our friendship or anything.

CaraMay

Op you seen to have made up your mind that you will contact her despite people here telling you not to

ABajaninCork

Debbra wrote: »

I don't expect it to restart our friendship or anything.

I wouldn't expect a reply either. You seem to be hell-bent on contacting the girl again. Good luck with that!

LegacyUser

Debbra wrote: »

Thanks Daisy and everyone else for the replies.

I know I do need to look forward and friend new friends. I just think I would like to send one more message asking if he could give me an explanation, I know she probably wont respond. I think it's more that I want her to know that the way she's treated me ere isn't right. I just find it callous and strange. I am not talking about messaging her with a load of abuse or anything like that just asking her what the deal is. I realise our friendship is dead now, I don't know why but it's something I can't sop thinking about. All of the pther messages over the last two years I have sent her have just been friendly messeges, I have never acknowledged that she had defriended me or anything, I think I would just like to send one that acknowledge the situation and told her how confused and disappointed I was with the situation. I don't expect it to restart our friendship or anything.

I said earlier that I think you shouldn't make anymore contact with her, and most other people seem to be saying the same thing. I can't speak for others, but my own reasons would be that I think it would come across as very needy to someone who clearly didn't seem to give a fcuk about me as a friend anymore and if I was confident I hadn't done anything wrong then I would think that for whatever reason she just didn't want me contacting her anymore so I would just leave her make her own choice and so be it.

However, everybody is not the same and this is clearly eating you up big time. So because of this, and also because it seems like it is something you strongly want to do anyways regardless then I think that maybe you should send that final message if it makes you feel better.

But leave it at that. One final message to get what you want to say of your chest. I think posters here just don't want to see you getting disappointed or hurt again by this person.

You send this message and a few things could happen.

-You just get ignored again. (likely)

-You get some bullshine excuse about 'sorry for being so busy',
not finding your messages, accidentally deleting you from friends list (twice), followed by maybe her replying to msgs for awhile only to eventually going back to ignoring you again after getting your hopes up that things were cool between you two again. (this could hurt more)

-She tells you that she just doesn't see you as a close friend anymore and that you've drifted apart/don't have much in common anymore. (if this is true it would be good that she told you the truth but maybe a bit embarrassing to have it spelt out so bluntly?)

-you were right all along and something you did upset her, she finally tells you what it is, ye make up and go back to being friends. (unlikely, because if you had actually done something wrong she wouldn't have added you back as a friend after deleting you the first time, as someone else said looks like she just did that because she felt a bit guilty)

Send the message if just to get it off your chest, but please don't get your hopes up too much and get yourself hurt. Best of Luck.

Stavro Mueller

Debbra wrote: »

Thanks Daisy and everyone else for the replies.

I know I do need to look forward and friend new friends. I just think I would like to send one more message asking if he could give me an explanation, I know she probably won't respond. I think it's more that I want her to know that the way she's treated me ere isn't right. I just find it callous and strange. I am not talking about messaging her with a load of abuse or anything like that just asking her what the deal is. I realise our friendship is dead now, I don't know why but it's something I can't sop thinking about. All of the other messages over the last two years I have sent her have just been friendly messages, I have never acknowledged that she had defriended me or anything, I think I would just like to send one that acknowledge the situation and told her how confused and disappointed I was with the situation. I don't expect it to restart our friendship or anything.

Maybe you should write something to get it off your chest, then delete it. It sounds like you need to vent more than anything else.

Your former friend isn't a fool - she knows that what she's doing isn't right. She also knows that you've been trying to reignite your friendship. That all your messages have been met with a deafening wall of silence should tell you everything you need to know. This is going on for two years now and you really need to let it go.

I can't see sending a message achieving anything. The poster above me has outlined it very clearly. Why do you think that your friend's going to even bother to reply? It's far more likely that she'll delete it on the spot and be annoyed that you just can't take the hint.

lmos

Hi OP,

It really may be just a case of drifting apart..as we get older we change and have different priorities. Your friend may feel that theres no point in you being part of her life anymore, fb or otherwise. I have friends from the past, and while I haven't defriended them, I feel I wouldn't have much in common with them anymore. Its like a lot of water under the bridge and where do you start rebuilding the relationship? Life long friendships are few and far between imo. If you can, I would try and let it go and put it down to the ever changing path of life. There are opportunities for new friends in the future who you will probably link more with anyway. You could get it all down on paper, get it off your chest and out of your system, maybe good therapy. Im not sure you would get a satisfactory response from your friend should you contact her.

Chara1001

Hi OP,

Just wondering it sounds to me like you've done absolutely nothing wrong and everything you could to keep in touch, but maybe it's over something you don't realize?

In my case, i also lived abroad and had very close friends i would always catch up with when i was back. Also, like most people, i had numerous fbook friends that were only aquaintances in real life.
When i was pregnant, i knew that most people back home didn't know, and i didn't want to make individual announcements to everyone, so i put a status update up, and mentioned i was pregnant in it as an aside. A lot of people responded with congratulations, but 2 very close friends didn't say a word which i thought was really strange for them. So we kept in contact but they literally never mentioned it, and i started feeling strange about it.
I have to say that my friendships with them were getting more distant anyway, like when we'd meet up, it was getting harder to keep conversation going- so we were growing apart anyway.
When the baby was born, it wasn't the easiest birth and i was in hospital for a few days but when i got home, i put up a picture of the baby and pretty much everyone on my list responded except for these 2 people. So after a couple of weeks i unfriended both of them and left it at that. The reason i unfriended only them was because i had expected more as we were so close in the recent past and i was a bit hurt by it.
I met a mutual friend a while later who asked why i'd done it as they had no clue why i would, and it came out of the blue to them. So i told her what happened, and it's not a huge deal at all, but i didn't see the point in remaining fbook friends when we went from being so close to nothing at all. I don't feel bad or anything about it, and i never did.

That mightn't help you at all, but if it really bothers you, maybe you should send a msg and ask her and if she doesn't reply, leave it at that?

LegacyUser

Sorry if this sounds harsh but bottom line, it's too late now you should have asked her what the story was the first time she defriended you. Why didn't you ask her what was wrong then?

Perhaps she decided that what was wrong with the relationship was too far beyond fixing so didn't confront you or perhaps she's just changed and you don't fit with her new life.

Like everyone else I would just leave it you don't need closure, two years of being ignored should have been enough of a hint that this person doesn't want you in her life.

dearg lady

Chara1001 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Just wondering it sounds to me like you've done absolutely nothing wrong and everything you could to keep in touch, but maybe it's over something you don't realize?

In my case, i also lived abroad and had very close friends i would always catch up with when i was back. Also, like most people, i had numerous fbook friends that were only aquaintances in real life.
When i was pregnant, i knew that most people back home didn't know, and i didn't want to make individual announcements to everyone, so i put a status update up, and mentioned i was pregnant in it as an aside. A lot of people responded with congratulations, but 2 very close friends didn't say a word which i thought was really strange for them. So we kept in contact but they literally never mentioned it, and i started feeling strange about it.
I have to say that my friendships with them were getting more distant anyway, like when we'd meet up, it was getting harder to keep conversation going- so we were growing apart anyway.
When the baby was born, it wasn't the easiest birth and i was in hospital for a few days but when i got home, i put up a picture of the baby and pretty much everyone on my list responded except for these 2 people. So after a couple of weeks i unfriended both of them and left it at that. The reason i unfriended only them was because i had expected more as we were so close in the recent past and i was a bit hurt by it.
I met a mutual friend a while later who asked why i'd done it as they had no clue why i would, and it came out of the blue to them. So i told her what happened, and it's not a huge deal at all, but i didn't see the point in remaining fbook friends when we went from being so close to nothing at all. I don't feel bad or anything about it, and i never did.

That mightn't help you at all, but if it really bothers you, maybe you should send a msg and ask her and if she doesn't reply, leave it at that?

Well that seems so ridiculous to me,you don't want to be friends with them because they didn't comment on a status and a picture on fb?! If they were such close friends why didn't you phone them to tell them the news.

OP, I agree with badger, you should have asked at the time, now it's gone on too long, and she's made it clear, I would just leave this one lie.

CaraMay

I have people who I was friendly with through circumstance eg work / college who I no longer want to stay in touch with. One girl in particular I worked and lived with and time passed where she got married etc and we lost contact. She has tried to add me on Facebook and has sent a Xmas card but I just don't want to go there. I don't want to get dragged into meeting her and start being friendly as she is just not my cup of tea. I'm sure she worries what she has done and in reality she has done nothing but I just don't want to go there.

Maybe this girl feels the same. You had a friendship in the last but she doesn't want to continue it and maybe there is no particular reason.

LegacyUser

Thanks for everyone who has taken the time to reply.

I think I would like to look this thread now if the mods can do that. Who every said I was 'Hell bent' on contacting her anyway, well you're probabaly right in a way, i think I decided to conact her before I posted on here and just wanted to see what people thought of the situation. Although 'hell bent' is putting it a bit strongly it's just somthing I think I should do.

I don't know if I have not put the situation across properly. I possible didn't articulate it that well in places but I feel that a lot of people are picking up a lot of what I am saying wrong.

I didn't ask her straight out at the beginning because, as I said in an earlier post, I initial thought it must be a mistake and that she just didn't have time to reply to my messege. I didn't want to start bad feeling where there wasn't any.

It isn't 'just a case of drifting apart' because she astill hasother people on facebook that she doesn't know/hasn't spoken to for years. There's somthing delibrat about her ignoring/defriendimg me.

I don't know if she found me annoying/I was getting on her nerves, I never noticed this but the strange thing is that we hadn't spoken in a couple of months anyway so I don't know how I could have been doing that. The time before that I travelled to see her specially because she had broken up with her boyfriend, she didn't seem to find me annoying then in fact she was pleased to see me.

I am not inteding to send her 'endless messeges' just one message. I am not going to start harrassing her.

I have no hope of rekindling the friendship this message would just be for my own peice of mind and sense of closure. I don't know if this will seem needy, I don't think I am a very needy person in general. If she finds this needy then it doesn't matter because I will never see her or speak to her again anyway.

I know I am in the minority here in thinking this is a good idea but I dn't see any bad that can come of it and I think I would feel better. But none the less thanks for taking the time to let me know what you all think.

Chara1001

Dearg lady,

Thanks for your observations- our friendships had been becoming more distant over the course of a few years. We were nowhere near as close anymore and I had been living abroad for years which is why i didn't phone them personally. The lack of any contact from them or acknowledgement made me see the friendships had run their course, as it's not difficult to press a few buttons to say something. I didn't have the energy with a newborn or interest in finding out why or attempting to rekindle something that didn't exist anymore, so i unfriended them.
Like i said before, I didn't feel bad about it then, i don't now, and i don't care if it's ridiculous to you.

Op, i've been re-reading the thread and i'm thinking now that maybe too much time has passed, i'm not sure anymore if you will get some kind of closure

dearg lady

Chara1001 wrote: »

Dearg lady,

Thanks for your observations- our friendships had been becoming more distant over the course of a few years. We were nowhere near as close anymore and I had been living abroad for years which is why i didn't phone them personally. The lack of any contact from them or acknowledgement made me see the friendships had run their course, as it's not difficult to press a few buttons to say something. I didn't have the energy with a newborn or interest in finding out why or attempting to rekindle something that didn't exist anymore, so i unfriended them.
Like i said before, I didn't feel bad about it then, i don't now, and i don't care if it's ridiculous to you.

Op, i've been re-reading the thread and i'm thinking now that maybe too much time has passed, i'm not sure anymore if you will get some kind of closure

No, if you felt the friendships had run their course, that's perfectly understandable. It's just people put so much emphasis on facebook, what if they hadn't seen the post and that's why they didn't remark. However, it sounds like it was much more than just fb that caused you to reassess the friendships

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Stavro Mueller

Debbra wrote: »

I have no hope of rekindling the friendship this message would just be for my own peace of mind and sense of closure. I don't know if this will seem needy, I don't think I am a very needy person in general. If she finds this needy then it doesn't matter because I will never see her or speak to her again anyway.

I know I am in the minority here in thinking this is a good idea but I don't see any bad that can come of it and I think I would feel better. But none the less thanks for taking the time to let me know what you all think.

I think it's obsessive and needy behaviour but you're going to go ahead and send the message anyway. That's your prerogative and good luck with that. I'd be amazed if you get anything resembling a truthful answer from her. In general people don't like being asked questions like that and will dance around the subject rather than give a straight answer. She's never going to say you're boring, your laugh's annoying, that twitch thing you do is getting on her nerves, she's jealous of you, you know too much, you're domineering etc. But I bet she has been really really busy :rolleyes:

Closure comes in many forms. I'm not quite sure what you're looking for. To me, two years of silence and ignored messages speaks louder than words.

Meauldsegosha

Debbra wrote: »

i think I decided to conact her before I posted on here and just wanted to see what people thought of the situation.
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A lot of people took time out of their days you give you some really good advice and share their own experiences. If you already knew what you were going to do, why bother wasting everyone's time.

beks101

What an appalling way to treat someone. Just delete them and defriend them out of your life with no warning.

I'm trying to imagine how I would've reacted if a good friend had done the same thing to me, and to be honest, abroad or not, I would've called them. I value my friendships almost like family, irrespective of time or distance, and if there was a problem, I would want to know exactly what that is. If I couldn't get a hold of them by phone, I'd contact a mutual friend and try to find out that way.

As it is, two years in, I think you've let sleeping dogs lie for too long. Facebook messages are very easy to ignore and facebook in general does nothing to hold people accountable for shoddy treatment of people - I'd rarely put much stock in it as a means of communicating about something serious with a good friend.

I'd have taken it offline a long time ago, and even if she was intent on not giving me any answers, I'd have made sure she understood how disrespectful and unacceptable her behaviour was.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person at all tbh.

CaraMay

I wouldn't have taken the time out yo comment if you had let us know you were planning on contacting her anyway.

Trilogy

Debbra,

Just to say that almost the exact same thing happened to me and I did send a final message (albeit closer to the final de friending etc)

My message was fairly short and sweet - a kind of "I'm not sure what has happened to deserve the silence and if I've upset you, I'm sorry."

Her response? (Literally) : "I'm not mad. Friendships just frizzle out"

It bothered me a lot at the time and I was quite upset for a few days but ya know what? I send back a message saying "sorry you feel that way" and literally left it at that.

Life is too short to get wound up over it. I genuinely wish her all the best in life and happiness and would say hello and move on if we ever bumped into each other.

I hope you find your closure too.

T

LegacyUser

we are entitled to ask, get advice and if that advice doesn't change our minds, we are allowed to go with our instincts as the OP has done.

I would say this though:

Having quite a lot of friends, and some very good old friends (who I see once or twice a year now), a best friend (who I see once every week or two) and a lot of casual friends (who I probably see more often than my better friends), as I have become time poor (due to family, study and work) and they have become time poor for the same reasons, that sometimes these friendships naturally dissipate. And when people start new relationships and new lives, it can hasten the process.

So, if you are living in different countries, they are more likely to lessen the bonds that tied you together.

There are different personality types and I believe that some of us, like myself (maybe yourself), invest a lot of mental time into friendships. In the past, maybe too much.

Others can see them as more fleeting arrangements.

With regards to Facebook, it can make us feel more connected to people than we really are - we are reminded of them more often, we can view what's going on in their lives (and comment on it) even though we aren't that connected to them in reality.

I had a friend who I stopped seeing and stopped communicating with. (this is no reflection on you at all). But, the reason why I stopped was because she was extremely negative, at times embarrassing to hang out with due to her rudeness and ultimately, not the type of person I wanted to be friends with. I just cut her out. It's the only time I ever did that. Rather than sitting her down and pointing out why, I just decided that it wasn't up to me to do that. I guess it might have been kinder to tell her.

Tiddlypeeps

I saw a posts on PI a while back with a similar story but from your friends point of view. It involved the person feeling jealous and inadequate because of the fantastic life their old friend abroad was having. They knew their feelings were unreasonable but couldn't help it. They also no longer felt like they were friends with that person anymore and that they had drifted apart so the advice given in the thread was to cut that person out of their life. Not out of malice but to help them stop the feelings of inadequacy.

Your friend may have felt similar to that person. She may not have seen you as a friend anymore and just an acquaintance. She may have reevaluated her life after breaking up with her boyfriend and decided that your presence in her life was only a negative thing. I know you say you only post pics infrequently but that may have been enough to make her feel low about her own situation.

If that is the case then it is no fault of yours. It would be entirely her own insecurity. She may have felt that you wouldn't be put out by her unfriending you because contact was so infrequent anyway.

That fact that she accepted your friend request after deleting you the first time makes me believe that it is not something that you have done or something she thinks you have done to wrong her. If it was then she would have contacted you after accepting your request. That also rules out a religious reason, if she joined a group that forbids contact with people outside of the religion then it is unlikely that she would have added you back. Ruling those out and the fact you mentioned she had jealousy issues before makes me think the above scenario is likely.

That is entirely speculation tho. Either way it's clear that for whatever reason she felt the friendship couldn't continue. I don't think you will get a response if you contact her one more time but I don't see any harm in doing so. I would definitely keep it to just one more message tho, it would not be healthy for you to keep obsessing over this. If you get no response you should view this final message as closure.

Best of luck and sorry you lost a friend.