Everyone is getting their happy ending except me!

LegacyUser

Lately I've been feeling pretty down. I'm a single mother of a 3 year old, living with my parents.

I know and know of so many people my age who are pregnant or have had babies and are now getting engaged and married. They are living as couples, mostly have their degrees and moving on with their lives.
My child's dad was very abusive to me for years and is actually now deceased. He died 3 years ago.

I have a new relationship of a year and a half and my boyfriend is an amazing guy. However he definitely dos not want to think about marriage or kids until he is in his late 30's. Even moving in together won't be an option for another few years. I love him but honestly feel distant from the relationship no matter how hard I try because of my past experiences.

I went back to college in September, an hour commute each way from home every day. I'm always tired, get little time with my boyfriend and even when I get a chance to go out for a few hours I feel too guilty and tired to even enjoy it. My life feels like an absolute train wreck!

I feel even more terrible with each new pregnancy or engagement I hear of. Everyone seems to be getting their happy ending and mine seems non existent. I feel like such a loser with no degree, no job, broke and living with my parents. My relationship will be very casual for the next 5-6 years too.

I have been to counselling but my counsellor, who was free went on maternity leave and there is no replacement service while she is away. I don't really have time for it in my schedule anyway.

All I want is to have a happy family. Hopefully someone who reads this can offer me some advice.

Thanks.

thegreatgonzo

Look I think you have to stop thinking the grass is greener somewhere else and see the good things you have in your life. You have a child you love, an amazing boyfriend (your words), a chance at 3rd level education and presumably a supportive family.
If you are lucky enough to have a chance at 3rd level education as I am and you are, you have to accept that you are not going to have any disposable income for a while. It's just a fact. Also you will be tired and won't have much time for socialising, another fact. It doesn't last forever and it will be worth it.
I also think it's a little childish to see marriage as a happy ending. Any married person I know will say that it is hard work and at times they wished they had the freedom they had when they were single.
I hope I don't sound too harsh but really there are many who would love to be in your shoes. Good luck with your studies :-)

LegacyUser

OP don't fall into the trap of thinking that if only you had an ideal relationship it would help to lift you out of your current situation. As you say yourself your current relationship is fairly casual and you both sound like you're on different paths anyway. I think you need to just focus on your own personal development for the moment so that you can improve your life for both yourself and your child.

Is your college course something that will provide you with a skill to make you more employable? Once you are finished your course and hopefully can find a job you might be in a better position to gain more independence for yourself and have a more fulfilling and enriching life aswell as finding a suitable partner. Change and progress doesn't happen over night and comparing ourselves to others, while natural, can just distract us from our own goals. Keep going with your course and accept as much support as you can from family and make sure you get a little time for yourself in between study and travelling to college.

Everyone has a different path. For those whose lives seem to be going perfectly you never know what kind of personal struggles they have had. So focus on yourself and you will get where you want to be.

Oryx

Marriage is a milestone. Something we feel we should have achieved by x age. But your path is different and thats okay, you just need to change your perspective. What should be important is that you are happy with your fella and know the tough times now are leading somewhere better.

But what I read here is that you are discontent that your 'amazing' man has mapped out his, and therefore your, future for you, without your say so. That might be making you less content with life than you otherwise might be.

Podgers

Hi OP,

First off well done on going back to College, I'm sure its not easy with the long commute no job and looking after your child, but hopefully it will pay in the end.

It sounds like you have been through the mill the past few years.

First off if your partner has different values than you ie. wanting to wait till late 30's and this is something you cant wait for, this may result in resentment later. You have two options here, either stay in the relationship and hope that one day you both will move in and things get more serious find someone who wants the same things as you and is willing to commit in the same level as you.

Getting married, settling down and having kids is an idealism, we might be lucky to find the right person that wants the same thing and it works out. But in a lot of cases people end up in bad relationships because the just found someone one for the very reason of settling down, and this image we see is not a clean cut and perfect as it really is.

Semele

What happens after the 'happy ending'? Does your life just stop and stay perfectly happy forever? Obviously not! If you're unhappy, reflect and make changes NOW, everyday. Don't hang all your hopes on a single future event, because that won't deliver and only stops you living up to your potential now.

Mr. Incognito

Real world isn't Disney Land.

You get a happy ending with hard work, on your degree and on your relationship.

I'm 31 with a 9 year old son, two professional qualifications and still broke and just moved in with my gf. It'll be another ten years before I would be any way comfortable.

Stop living in dreamland and focus on your own life. Facebook updates are not yardsticks in life. Set your own goals.

afterglow

Hi OP

I'm sorry you feel your life is not going the way you want it to at the moment.
I have vowed that from now on I am absolutely, and completely going to take control of my own destiny. I am no longer going to sit around and say "If only this would happen, then I could do X Y Z"
Instead this year I am going to focus on making changes for myself, myself. I will ask for help if I need it of course, but largely what I plan to make 2014 about is creating and making my own happiness and a good life for myself etc.
It is fabulous that you have gone back to college, I hope to do the same, and this shows that to a certain extent you are already taking control of what you want/creating your own happiness.
If your relationship is currently not in line with what you want, then as I see it you have 2 options.
1. Stay in your current relationship, accepting it for what it is and see how/where it goes in a few years time.
2. put things in motion to find someone who is more on your wavelength/on same level as you etc, other posters have said this above.
If neither of these suit you of course, you could just focus on your degree and what it will lead to at the end, but all I'm trying to put accross with my post is that you do have options, we all do. I understand what it's like to feel like things are out of our control, and to be of the "if only mentality" because I have been like that for quite sometime myself, but you can absolutely take control/change if you wish.
Best of luck to you whatever you decide, and chin up.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies!
It's not really that I think marriage is the be all and end all, or that it is a romantic fairy-tale, of course in the real world it isn't.

It is just when I see another person settling down, with a proper family set up, it feels like a massive slap in the face to me. I feel really jealous that I don't have any of that. Everything has gone horribly wrong for me from day one.
Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, but it is so hard doing it alone! I just wish she had a normal, kind, responsible dad in her life and it would be great to be parenting in a relationship, in your own home.

I feel like we will never have any of that.

bulmersgal

Just posting to let u no your not alone. Last year I was exactly in your position. Single mother to two year old, living at home in a relationship that didn't fit 100%. I got fed up of being tired and he got moody if I stayed at home too rest.

So in April we broke up. In May I got offered a job, now I'm finishing my last two years of college part time. It's tough working all week and going to college 3 nights. I no I could never do this if I was still with him, I've also accepted I can't move out of my parents house, or the fact of no time for a relationship. I'm also seeing the pregnancy announcements, engagements n weddings on Facebook. But I'm doing something that will improve mine and my daughters life. Also I'm happier just the 2 of us, then somebody who stops me improving myself.

Your not alone, it is hard but it is worth it.

sambuka41

OP its hard for everyone, all these people you see who have achieved something be that marriage/ college/ new job; they all worked hard to get that.

They have been where you are now, they have struggled and gotten beyond this point; and in reality they are probably still struggling with something (as we all do, there is always more to strive for, more work to be done).

Instead of being envious look at it as inspiration, someday these struggles you face today will seem small and in the past, its all about perspective.

LegacyUser

To be honest you are not happy at the moment with the way your life is going.
You see that other people have the types of relationship that you want, have the good jobs, have the degrees and are moving on with there lives.

You need to look on the more positive aspect of your life:
a) You have gone back to college - so long term you can get a better job/more income
b) Your living at home - so you not paying rent/mortgage
c) Your family are helping you out with your child so you are not paying creche fees.
d) You have not got a lot of money but you are not in serious debit like a lot of people.

I know that being in a relationship seems to be important to you. Your going out with a man for 18 months and he told you he won't consider marriage/children until he is in his late 30's.
I have to be honest he is wants a girlfriend but he does not want to get married.
I would tell him it is over as you want both want different things long term.
Why waste the next few years with a man like this in the hope he changes his mind?
I know several woman who ended relationships like yours that were going no where.
They went on to meet men who wanted marriage and children.

I went though a period of feeling the same as you. I watched other people get good jobs, meet men, get engaged/married, buying houses and having children.
Now a good number of years later I see things differently and know that a lot of times there lives, marriages, jobs ect are not as wonderful as you may think.

I went through a few years that were far from wonderful but this time made me a better person. I now have my own home and I am not in a lot of debit.
I am not in a relationship or married but I feel yes it would be nice if I met someone but if not I still have my own life to live.

CaraMay

Op I think you need to take responsibility for some of this. Your neon issue is that you aren't sharing the parenting responsibilities with someone else yet you continue to go out with a man who doesn't want to settle down for years yet. You can't change him but you can change the situation by trying yo meet someone who wants that with you now.

El_Dangeroso

Comparison is the thief of Joy.

Keep re-iterating this to yourself as happiness is an inside job, it does NOT come from favourably comparing your life to other people's.

You're not even fairly comparing, you're comparing your behind the scenes with others' highlight reel. STOP looking at facebook, people carefully curate their online profiles to make it look like they are having a wonderful life with no bad days.

Someone else's happiness is NOT 'a slap in your face', that's a the kind of attitude a spoiled child would have.

Focus on things that you have to be grateful for which it seems from your posts is a lot. Ungrateful people can't be happy.

LegacyUser

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Comparison is the thief of Joy.

Keep re-iterating this to yourself as happiness is an inside job, it does NOT come from favourably comparing your life to other people's.

You're not even fairly comparing, you're comparing your behind the scenes with others' highlight reel. STOP looking at facebook, people carefully curate their online profiles to make it look like they are having a wonderful life with no bad days.

Someone else's happiness is NOT 'a slap in your face', that's a the kind of attitude a spoiled child would have.

Focus on things that you have to be grateful for which it seems from your posts is a lot. Ungrateful people can't be happy.

I may be coming across spoiled and ungrateful but that is not the reality.
I spent many years in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I was also raped by him on several occasions which resulted in me getting pregnant in the first place. He killed himself when he was caught for another sexual crime.
I have had an extremely hard number of years and have been on medication for severe depression for the last 2 and a half years.
Of course it is really upsetting to see not only acquaintances but also friends and family settle down and have normal families.
I am extremely grateful to my family, although living with them can be stressful. Without them I would almost certainly be dead now.
It is hard not to think that the grass is always greener! I just want advice on how to get it out of my mind!
Thanks for all the replies!

Just another point myself and my boyfriend are only 23 so I don't think it's unusual that he doesn't want to settle down yet!

Maura74

Hi Boo123 - So sorry to hear about the abusive relation that you have experience, it must have been very difficult for you indeed. However, you have made good strides in making your life better for yourself and your child by going back to college and getting the right skills for your young family. It's going to take time for your get over such an ordeal therefore give yourself a chance as it will not happen overnight.

You have youth on your side therefore it will fade from your mind as you get older and get more involved in things that you enjoy.

Have you looked at doing yoga or other exercises that will release Endorphins, which is very enjoyable and also a natural healing remedies. Speak to your GP again about how you feel and check the medication that you are on.

Do your male friend know about your background if not perhaps you should find the right to speak to him about it. Take things one day at a time, do not rush things, you will get there in time and it will be worth waiting for…Take care

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

http://www.rd.com/slideshows/8-ways-to-naturally-increase-endorphins/#slideshow=slide2

thegreatgonzo

God you have been through so much. You said your schedule didn't leave time for counselling...I really think you need to make some time for yourself.

doubtfir3

Boo123 wrote: »

It is just when I see another person settling down, with a proper family set up, it feels like a massive slap in the face to me. I feel really jealous that I don't have any of that. Everything has gone horribly wrong for me from day one.
Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, but it is so hard doing it alone! I just wish she had a normal, kind, responsible dad in her life and it would be great to be parenting in a relationship, in your own home.

I feel like we will never have any of that.

I understand your feelings here, many people have them when they see others moving closer to living "your" dream..

In reality, you have to think of the positives in your life.. you have a child of your own who loves you, a secure place for you and your child to live in (Ok, its not currently ideal but is a great boost for now), you have a boyfriend, goals (college), and most of all - you have opportunities in front of you.

Many people have sought/fought to achieve the dream.. tick the boxes on their "must do" list.. they've got the car or two, the house, the husband/wife, the kids, the foreign holidays, the "dream" life.. but many of those (not all by any means!) are now living with their own tough situations.. some have sick children, relationship problems, money worries, negative equity, the feeling that they can't escape.. etc etc etc..

Overall, there are loads of positives about having "arrived" at your destination and having achieved all the things you want in life, there are negatives to being in your current situation.... but LOTS of positives..

My advice - sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.. you have lots of great things in your life so try to focus on those, and think to yourself that when you eventually achieve all the things you want in life you will have worked very hard to get them and will be able to enjoy them all the more.

Geomy

If you feel really down maybe tell your GP.
It could be a mild form of depression or you could be suffering from anxiety.

Wishing you luck :-)