Fiancé violent

Paws1986

Hi, Basically had an argument with fiancé today.we are getting married in less than 5 months.it was about him giving me a lift somewhere.i had presumed he would but he was annoyed I didn't ask.i was really mad and really in the argument.he called me a fool and a **** and started to punch the dash board of the car really hard and then stopped holding his fist clenched and looking at me.i got really scared and got out of the car and walked home.i know I had been so annoying in the argument but don't know what to do now.i do love him and this is the worst he has ever reacted to me normally he just gets very mad in an argument but now I'm worried will it just get worse until one day he might hit me.i just feel like an idiot I just should have said sorry for not asking!i came here cause I don't want to tell my friends or family what happened.

vitani

It doesn't matter how 'annoying' you were - nothing gives him the right to physically threaten you.

It worries me that you're already taking responsibility for his behaviour and actions, and it does suggest that this pattern of behaviour will continue and could lead to violence. I'd say 'don't marry him' but if you're not willing to leave him, at least get some couples counselling or get him to talk to somebody about anger. Is he easy to talk to normally?

ted1

I advise a friend or family member to not go through with the wedding.

maria34

I wouldnt get married with him. It wont get better, just worse. You shouldnt be afraid of your partner EVER!

Has he ever given you any inclination that he might become physically violent to you? In another thread somewhat similar to this, people mentioned how it was how a lot of people just let off steam. What is his anger like? Depending on how long you've been together, you've likely been able to build up an idea of his temperament. If you even suspect he might become physically violent towards you, then walk the hell away. Otherwise ask him if he might consider seeing someone about his anger issues.

Paws1986

vitani wrote: »

It doesn't matter how 'annoying' you were - nothing gives him the right to physically threaten you.

It worries me that you're already taking responsibility for his behaviour and actions, and it does suggest that this pattern of behaviour will continue and could lead to violence. I'd say 'don't marry him' but if you're not willing to leave him, at least get some couples counselling or get him to talk to somebody about anger. Is he easy to talk to normally?

Normally he's ok to talk to but kinda bad for taking responsibility for his actions.at this stage I think we need to go to counselling but don't really know where to go.he's had problems at home growing up etc.i just don't understand how he gets so annoyed about small things I think he builds them up so much I haven't talked to him since so don't know what he'ds going to say if he thinks what he did was wrong etc

Paws1986

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Has he ever given you any inclination that he might become physically violent to you? In another thread somewhat similar to this, people mentioned how it was how a lot of people just let off steam. What is his anger like? Depending on how long you've been together, you've likely been able to build up an idea of his temperament. If you even suspect he might become physically violent towards you, then walk the hell away. Otherwise ask him if he might consider seeing someone about his anger issues.

Yeah maybe it is his way of 'letting off steam' I don't know if he would physically hit me or would just threaten to to get rid of me when he's mad.we've been together for 6 yrs and he didnt do this before just started that he'd clench his fist when angry and stuff but just gradually becoming more and more like in an argument he gets so mad and afterwards most of the times it's my fault.i really don't know what he'd say to counselling but think we need to do something like sometimes I'm afraid to say if I'm not happy about something or sometimes I say something like not meaning anything by it and he'll be really mad about it and storm of or if we're in the car he'll stop there and then and tell me to get out of his car.

Ohmydays83

From my reading of your last post (number 7) it appears that he may be using controlling behaviour so much so that you now believe that "afterwards most of the times it's my fault".

If he doesn't get his way he storms off? And he tells you to get out of his car?? Unacceptable behaviour from a fiance.

As ted1 says, I would also advice a friend/family member to get out of this relationship and get out fast.

Meangadh

Paws1986 wrote: »

most of the times it's my fault... sometimes I'm afraid to say if I'm not happy about something.

Ok firstly even if you were the most irritating person on earth (which I don't believe you are), that is no excuse for him making you feel afraid or threatened. So less of the "it's my fault" business- he should deal with his anger by speaking to you and not by punching anything or anyone.

Secondly, it's going to be a very long and sad marriage if you can't say when you're not happy about something. You should be able to say when you're upset and why you're upset. You can't spend your life pussyfooting around this guy because you're afraid he'll be mad at you for being upset. That's no way to live your life.

I really would think long and hard before walking down any aisle with this guy.

December2012

Look up relationship counselling and go now. That is if you do not want to call off your engagement now.

CaraMay

Op it's really sad that you are considering taking on this guy for life. He is manipulating you and playing with your head. We are all annoying from time to time but no one deserves that reaction.

marienbad

Get out and stay out, you are already well on the way to blaming yourself for his temper tantrums. Fear has no place in any relationship - ever.

average_runner

Did he actually threaten u? Hitting the dash board is harmless. I often hit thingsout of anger but never even think of hitting my wife or kids.

Paws1986

average_runner wrote: »

Did he actually threaten u? Hitting the dash board is harmless. I often hit thingsout of anger but never even think of hitting my wife or kids.

He hit it really hard about 5 times (not sure but think its broke) then clenched fist staring at me.he didnt say anything.indid feel scared he might not of had any intention of actually hitting me though.

average_runner

Paws1986 wrote: »

He hit it really hard about 5 times (not sure but think its broke) then clenched fist staring at me.he didnt say anything.indid feel scared he might not of had any intention of actually hitting me though.

If he had no intention towards u he should be able to talk about it and tellhim he frightened u. His reaction right there will tell u everything I believe.

Victoria Fortescue

average_runner wrote: »

Did he actually threaten u? Hitting the dash board is harmless. I often hit thingsout of anger but never even think of hitting my wife or kids

Anger management issues. You shouldn't need to be hitting a dash board or anything to get what you want to say across. It's scary and it puts others in fear, in turn the one with the anger management problem wins over because the receiving end of it becomes submissive.


Op, I don't like where this is going. You already see yourself as a source of annoyance to him, that is his doing, not yours. See this for what it is, please.

homersimpson

Paws1986 wrote: »

I don't know if he would physically hit me

If your intending to marry him you should know that he would never ever ever hit you no matter what happens between you.

LegacyUser

I would take this as a warning of what might come with this man.
You have told us that you don't want to tell your friends/family what happened here.
Have they said some thing to you about him or have they told you we have noticed x/y about him?

You are already making excuses for or taking responsibility for his behaviour and actions.
I know you have been with him for 6 years and you are due to get married in a few months.
Getting married is about more that a day out in front of family and friends.
Marriage is hard work. As adults you both have to able to talk about things rather than your husband getting a thick humor/ using his fists because things are not going his way.
If he is like this over something this small what would he be like if you hit a bad patch, if you had a baby/child who was sick or needed help or if you were short of money ect?
Nobody knows what the future holds but you need to be with someone who is willing to chat about things rather than acting like a bold child who is not getting his own way.

It is not hard to end a bad relationship but getting out of a bad marriage is hard both financially and emotionally. How would you feel in a few years time if you were married to this man with a baby or a few small children and he was beating you up on a regular basis?
How would you feel telling your children don't annoy Daddy and living in fear over what he would say or do next to you?

I know a woman who was going out with a man a few years ago. Her family/friends did not like him or his family. They told her why they did not like him, what they noticed about him and his family. She decided to marry him. Within a few years he was beating her up on a regular basis. When this started they had plenty of money, a nice house ect.

If you want to marry this man I would tell him that you are not getting married unless you both go to relationship counselling. If he does not does not want to do this I would tell him that you don't want to get married.
I would not worry about what people say if you decide to end this relationship.
You would be better off on your own than living with a man who you are worried about always re what you do/say or what happens in your life once you get married.

I think you have been given a warning signal here and you need to act on it.

R.D. aka MR.D

Look into counseling and try to get him to go with you. Explain to him that you are afraid of him.

If he is not willing to go then you should definitely call it off until a time that he can show you he is willing to change. Imagine if he does hit you a few years down the road and there are kids involved. is that the kind of life that you want?

up for anything

STOP! STOP! STOP!

Stop making excuses for him. His behaviour, unless he is willing to get help and deal with it now, will lead you and any children you might have into a women's refuge - if you are lucky.

There is NO excuse for his lack of control and it is up to him to deal with it. If he does not see that then get out now while you still can. Inconsistent and irrational anger because of things you do or say is as addictive to the person suffering from it as gambling, alcohol or drugs and like those addictions the need to change has to come from within.

Tell him that you are leaving him till he gets help and mean it. Don't tell him unless he gets help because he will put it off.

I'm offering this advice from bitter experience, over 30 years of it. I watched my OH slam doors, punch things etc and then look at me and I knew he was saying subliminally "I wish it was you I was punching or slamming into something - hard". I saw the cold/vacant/angry/mean/accusing look in his eyes as he did it. He never physically touched me in anger until the last night but 30 years of unspoken and un-acted on violence took just as much toll on me as 30 years of beatings. It's called emotional and mental abuse and is recognised as such by professionals.

You've wasted enough time on him. Just get out before you've been fully sucked in by him and his blame game. Forget about rose-coloured spectacles, forget about having put 6 years into your relations, forget about blaming yourself for provoking him, forget about love. You may have a rocky year or two ahead of you in the process but you'll have the rest of your life to make up for it and find someone who will make him look like the scrapings from your shoes which he is and you won't have brought children that you love into a doomed relationship.

You have friends and family that you don't want to confide in, hence opening up on here - that should tell you something, a lot of somethings. Tell them and use the support that the right-thinking amongst them will offer. Don't let your face become the dashboard.

NIMAN

I know its a difficult decision to make, being so close to the wedding, but you have got to ask yourself if you will feel comfortable spending the rest of your life with this guy?

If you have any fear of him or his temper, you are going to have a tough time.

As painful as it might be calling it all off, it will be more painful in the future once married and maybe with kids involved.

Rachineire

Op this sounds very familiar to me. I grew up with an extremely abusive father. He has done that whole punching the dash holding his fist up to me bit. It's only a matter of time between him holding his fist up and him hitting you with it.
I also was made to believe that I deserved his anger because I was bad or annoying or whatever. Well nothing earns abuse. ...it doesn't matter if you called him every name under the sun, physical fear and intimidation is crossing a line.
Also I grew up having to walk on eggshells constantly because who knows what would set him off next. It was a miserable childhood and it still affects me today.
Please for your own sake addess these issues now while you still have a chance. If it was me I know I would not be staying with someone who threatens me. Life is too short to live in fear. Best of luck op.

beertons

NIMAN wrote: »

As painful as it might be calling it all off, it will be more painful in the future once married and maybe with kids involved.

This ^ it's much easier to walk away now when your baggage is so small.

nc19

All you people replying with 'run away now for your own safety. This man will kill you one day' need to calm down for a minute.

Anyone who says that they have never wanted to strike another person is a liar. Whether it be your sibling who broke your toy 20 yrs ago or the asshat that cut you off the other day. Partners are in the unique position of knowing exactly what buttons to press to send the other person crazy.

Women row with women mostly passive aggressivly but never expect violence

Men row with men more directly and expect violence

Men row with women and expect violence from them

Women row with men and expect no violence no matter what they say or do - its unrealistic

Women bang on about equality - if a man slaps me he gets one back. If you want equality there it is.

. Partners row and sometimes its violent - slamming doors, smashing plates, punching walls etc.


That said, either partner being used as a punching bag is a big no-no also mental abuse etc but an isolated outburst does not mean he is the next Charles Manson

average_runner

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

Anger management issues. You shouldn't need to be hitting a dash board or anything to get what you want to say across. It's scary and it puts others in fear, in turn the one with the anger management problem wins over because the receiving end of it becomes submissive.


Op, I don't like where this is going. You already see yourself as a source of annoyance to him, that is his doing, not yours. See this for what it is, please.

Better to let it out than keep it in providing your not frightening anyone. That's why she should talk to him first.

Alot of men that keep stuff in actually end up harming themselves more ie suicide.

Also he could be violent towards her but might not be. A lot if the times its the quiet ones that do the beating.

YumCha

OP - You're not responsible for his behaviour... he is.

Please look at this list of warning signs below from Women's Aid, and if you need someone to talk to please call them - they can give you some good advice.

"We have listed some warning signs below to help you make sense of your situation. Any one of the following signs is serious. You do not need to experience several, or all of them for your relationship to be abusive.

• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages."

Victoria Fortescue

average_runner wrote: »

Better to let it out than keep it in providing your not frightening anyone. That's why she should talk to him first.

Alot of men that keep stuff in actually end up harming themselves more ie suicide.

Also he could be violent towards her but might not be. A lot if the times its the quiet ones that do the beating.

Fair, open, calm, turn-taking discussion is the normal way of dealing with dealing with an issue, not intimidation and violence. Nobody would have to bottle up anything if you make time for the above in your relationship.

marienbad

nc19 wrote: »

All you people replying with 'run away now for your own safety. This man will kill you one day' need to calm down for a minute.

Anyone who says that they have never wanted to strike another person is a liar. Whether it be your sibling who broke your toy 20 yrs ago or the asshat that cut you off the other day. Partners are in the unique position of knowing exactly what buttons to press to send the other person crazy.

Women row with women mostly passive aggressivly but never expect violence

Men row with men more directly and expect violence

Men row with women and expect violence from them

Women row with men and expect no violence no matter what they say or do - its unrealistic

Women bang on about equality - if a man slaps me he gets one back. If you want equality there it is.

. Partners row and sometimes its violent - slamming doors, smashing plates, punching walls etc.


That said, either partner being used as a punching bag is a big no-no also mental abuse etc but an isolated outburst does not mean he is the next Charles Manson

I don't know what world you live in but if the above describes it you really do need a new perspective.

homemadecider

nc19 wrote: »

Partners row and sometimes its violent - slamming doors, smashing plates, punching walls etc.

I don't know what kind of relationships you have experienced, but the bit above is not normal. I'm in a relationship over 6 years and never once has it even come close to being violent. Yes, we've had arguments, but neither of us have either smashed plates or punched walls. Our arguments have been verbal only and I've never once felt physically intimated by my partner, nor scared of him.

Being violent in a relationship is not normal behaviour! I cannot stress this enough.

Typer Monkey

I completely agree with the above. Getting disproportionately angry over something minor, punching the dash board until it breaks, shaking a fist at your partner..none of these behaviours are normal or healthy.

OP please don't listen to those who say violent arguments or punching things, breaking items is part of a relationship. It's not and should never be.

Did you read the list of red flag behaviours posted above? Do you recognise any of them? Obviously you don't need to answer here but you really should answer those questions for yourself. If you're ashamed to tell your friends and family about how he behaves it means you know it's not right or acceptable

LegacyUser

OP several years ago I could have written your post word for word. And I went ahead and married him. We are now divorced after a very painful marriage where I was afraid to open my mouth in case I'd annoy him. I wish wish wish I had walked away at the time. Like you I felt I couldn't talk to friends or family but deep down I knew that their reactions would have been right. It's not normal to live in fear of someone who is supposed to love you. Maybe counselling will help but think long and hard before you go ahead with the wedding. I was too scared to call it off and I thought things would get better. They didn't. So my advice is to walk away. Life is too short to spend it walking on eggshells!

nc19

marienbad wrote: »

I don't know what world you live in but if the above describes it you really do need a new perspective.

It actually describes the world we all live in...its called real life.

People piss each other off from time to time and everyone reacts differently to it

My point is, if a fella is pissed off enough to hit a wall or whatever ot doesnt mean the next step is beating his partner to death ffs

nc19

Lets put this into perspective for a minute

The couple had a row. The OP states she was 'really mad' and the fella punched his dash in frustration.

NONE of us were there and all we have is the OPs version of events. For all we know she said something utterly horrible and vindictive.

To suggest that the OP cancel her WEDDING because he punched the dash is an over reaction.

He hasnt hit her! Or ever shown any signs of violence before. Give him the benefit of the doubt is all im saying.

CaraMay

No one here including the op can predict what he may do - he may not know himself but what she does need to do is heed this big red flag.

Op you have already taught him that it's ok to do this to you so he is becoming braver (contradiction there) and more violent as he knows you won't leave him (based on the fact you haven't already) so it's anyone's guess where it goes from here. You can only control your own behaviour and response as is the same for him.

On top of that the name calling is not a good sign. Do you think he has issues relating to the wedding (no excuse but...) and he is even more stressed due to that?

nc19

CaraMay wrote: »

No one here including the op can predict what he may do - he may not know himself but what she does need to do is heed this big red flag.

Op you have already taught him that it's ok to do this to you so he is becoming braver (contradiction there) and more violent as he knows you won't leave him (based on the fact you haven't already) so it's anyone's guess where it goes from here. You can only control your own behaviour and response as is the same for him.

On top of that the name calling is not a good sign. Do you think he has issues relating to the wedding (no excuse but...) and he is even more stressed due to that?

How on earth do you KNOW he is 'becoming braver'

For all we know he is totally destroyed but this small outburst!

You all have him sitting in his evil lair plotting his next outburst

One pretty small incident does not a monster make.

Id love to hear what he thinks happened that day.....

marienbad

nc19 wrote: »

It actually describes the world we all live in...its called real life.

People piss each other off from time to time and everyone reacts differently to it

My point is, if a fella is pissed off enough to hit a wall or whatever ot doesnt mean the next step is beating his partner to death ffs

Why take the risk ?

Oh yeah I forgot this is your 'real world' where ever that is .

jellyboy

I have a son who sits in the back of the car and says "food,drink and take me to my woman dad"

It takes a lot of my resolve to not to open the door of the car and send him flying into the nite with my feelings in tow

All those posts that are advocating you dumping him and suggesting that he is going to be a step away from hitting you are in my view wrong
Equally those that are saying you are not to blame are wrong in my view

This is what I read in your post

it was about him giving me a lift somewhere.i had presumed he would but he was annoyed I didn't ask.i was really mad and really in the argument

I was not there or can be aware what was said in the heat of the moment
You op was really mad ,that awareness is crucial for understanding maybe you have no cut off point when in the heat of the moment and maybe kept pushing and pushing due to your own lack of boundaries

he called me a fool and a **** and started to punch the dash board of the car really hard and then stopped holding his fist clenched and looking at me.i got really scared and got out of the car and walked home

This is wrong on many many levels and is a indication that he has issues about expressing himself in a healthy way

know I had been so annoying in the argument but don't know what to do now.i do love him and this is the t very mad in an argument but now I'm worried will it just get worse until one day he might hit me.i just feel like an idiot I just should have said sorry for not asking!i came here cause I don't want to tell my friends or family what happened.

I would suggest you tell them that you wrote the above and ask how they would have dealt with it ..
seeking justification for your inability to step back in an argument while at the same time putting your hands up to your Role is what it is

A great idea is to seek counselling or outside help
Maybe your bf would seek help for childhood issues on his own

I'm hugely aware that this is a one sided post and isn't the full and true story

Big Bag of Chips

All posters are reminded to please keep the Personal Issues Forum Charter in mind, when replying to threads. Personal Issues is an advice forum, and posters are asked to use their posts to advise the OP. There is nothing wrong with having an opposing opinion to others on thread, but make sure you address your post to the OP, and not the other posters of the Forum. Doing so can derail the thread and drag posters into off-topic arguing that does nothing to help the OP, and their original issue.

cjlawlor

My advice would be to postpone any wedding plans. Your fiancé has unresolved issues that do not point towards a happy future. Unless counselling makes him change his personality for the better, the warning signs are there and you should heed them. As difficult as it might be at such a late stage, it's not worth taking a risk with something as serious as marriage. Talk to your family... Hope it works out whatever happens.

Neyite

OP, usually I'd be one of the first posters to consider this domestic violence, simply because it was in my past, and what firstly occurs to me when I hear of a row where somebody has gotten physically or verbally scary.

We all have people in our lives who test our patience - partners, siblings, parents, in-laws, bosses, colleagues, toddlers are all capable of pushing our buttons to the point where we feel we are losing control. That is life.

A normal person will take themselves away from the stressful situation, calm down a bit, and return to resolve the issue, or they will discuss it calmly. Someone with anger issues might lash out verbally, or physically, either using inanimate objects to vent their frustration - smashing plates/punching walls etc, or shouting/screaming. Or sometimes they lash out and hurt others.

The key distinction that separates someone with general anger issues from a domestic abuser is who they target. Someone with general anger issues will shout back at their boss or colleagues if they encounter a situation at work putting their job at risk. Or they might try and fight a stranger who annoyed them in the street. A domestic abuser will not. He or she will only take out their anger/ frustration on their partner at home, irrespective of where the cause of the anger came from.

Now, we cant tell from one single incident if he has potential to bash you about the place 3 years into your marriage. But, what we can tell you is this: start as you mean to go on. This kind of lashing out is not acceptable in any relationship. This kind of communication between the both of you is destructive. While you may have had a hand in it, ultimately it is up to him to choose how he responds to you. Both of you need to address this - you need to stop assuming he will do something for you, and have the courtesy to ask him. He needs to find some way of controlling his outbursts - if that means he needs to walk away for 30 mins to cool down, you need to let him do this.

If you feel that you both need to work on this, that your relationship is not a happy one, postpone the wedding until you both are back on track. Far better to lose a few deposits than four years of your life being miserable and separated and wading through legal red tape because you are married.

Don't get married until both of you can discuss difficult issues with each other without this kind of outcome. Believe me, life can get a lot tougher than falling out over a lift.

nc19

marienbad wrote: »

Why take the risk ?

Oh yeah I forgot this is your 'real world' where ever that is .

My dog growled at me one time when i stood on its tail - why take the risk

So idiot nearly killed me when i was riding my bike - why take the risk


Advocating the woman leaves her partner because he punched his car is silly

Big Bag of Chips

nc19, there has already been an on thread warning.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

....make sure you address your post to the OP, and not the other posters of the Forum. Doing so can derail the thread and drag posters into off-topic arguing that does nothing to help the OP, and their original issue.

Tailor the way you reply to posts to comply with PI standard, or don't post. Breaches of the Forum Charter regularly result in bans from this forum.

marienbad

nc19 wrote: »

My dog growled at me one time when i stood on its tail - why take the risk

So idiot nearly killed me when i was riding my bike - why take the risk


Advocating the woman leaves her partner because he punched his car is silly

To trivialise the following as you do '' i got really scared and got out of the car and walked home'' is a huge part of societies problem.Do you honestly not see this ?

road_high

The clenched fist directed at you sounds frightening. The dashboard was bad enough but that was the worst thing by far. Extremely threatening behaviour by your other half. Who's to say next time he goes off on one that fist won't make contact with your face/body? Alarm bells and glad you're talking about it.

Big Bag of Chips

marienbad, warned for ignoring mod instructions

JumpShivers

This isn't the 'real' world or whatever another poster talked about.

He may not physically be violent towards you - but this doesn't mean that the relationship is fine and healthy.

Couples arguing in a relationship is normal - hitting a dashboard and breaking it, honestly this behaviour, it'd begin to frighten me.

It's not your fault - whatever he says. Seriously.

I'm echoing a lot of the above posters, if you're not willing to leave him, go for relationship counselling.

Mayboy

Hi,

Imagine if you had a kid and he could not control his temper and they had to see this? Is this how you want your life to be? Your future kids life?
Sorry, I'd be running as fast as I could to a new life without this guy. Is there a piece of you that thinks that you don't deserve better? ……..because thats the only reason I can see that would keep you in this situation.

Stabshauptmann

Losing one's temper and shouting, slam a door, punching a table etc may not be ideal, but I would never have drawn a link with that and domestic violence.

If there is more to the story OP that makes you believe he may strike you, that is very different, but my advice would be to help your fiance see he has an anger problem and to deal with it; and to let him know that it is unacceptable to direct his anger towards you like that. From the info provided I would consider calling off the wedding a complete over reaction.

CaraMay

Stabshauptmann wrote: »

Losing one's temper and shouting, slam a door, punching a table etc may not be ideal, but I would never have drawn a link with that and domestic violence.

But he scared her by holding his fist up to her so that's linking it to domestic violence in my eyes.