Cant find somebody to love me

ruaille buaille

So basically I've always had terrible luck with men
My first boyfriend treated me very badly and I stayed with him for a number of yrs because I felt I was in love with him even tho looking back now I realise that was a mistake to stay with him for so long!
Since then I havnt really had a proper boyfriend. I have no trouble getting a guy to like me as Im attractive (so Im told) and a funny and easygoing girl. The trouble is they dont hang around for very long. From just a couple of weeks to about 3 months at the longest. I've had several guys tell me they've just come out of a long term relationship so theyre not looking for anything serious. Telling me they are not in the right place or its bad timing. Or basically just saying in some form that they dont want the commitment. This has been happening over and over again for the past 10 yrs. I dont understand why these men dont want to commit to me and its really getting me down. I feel like Im only good enough for a casual thing and not for a proper relationship....
I usually dont sleep with them until we have been seeing each other for a while so its not like their just after sex because I dont give it away that easy! Ive tried online dating but didnt have any luck so gave it up. I just turned 31 a few weeks ago and feel that all my friends are settling down and Im never going to find anyone. Why is it that nobody wants a relationship with me??

Typer Monkey

With respect OP it's very difficult to answer that question as we don't know you. Do you have any close friends who you could have an honest conversation with? Maybe they could shed some light on any behaviour of yours or personality traits that may be turning these men away. Of course there may be nothing and you've been very unlucky. Perhaps you are making poor choices yourself when it comes to selecting these men. Maybe some councelling might help you gain some perspective on it?

wirelessdude01

Now don't take this the wrong way but maybe without realising it you come across as needy and desperate to these. Most men will run a mile from this once they notice it.

Also how many men have ran away from you with various excuses? Less quantity and higher quality control might be in order.

Victoria Fortescue

ruaille buaille wrote: »

So basically I've always had terrible luck with men
My first boyfriend treated me very badly and I stayed with him for a number of yrs because I felt I was in love with him even tho looking back now I realise that was a mistake to stay with him for so long!
Since then I havnt really had a proper boyfriend. I have no trouble getting a guy to like me as Im attractive (so Im told) and a funny and easygoing girl. The trouble is they dont hang around for very long. From just a couple of weeks to about 3 months at the longest. I've had several guys tell me they've just come out of a long term relationship so theyre not looking for anything serious. Telling me they are not in the right place or its bad timing. Or basically just saying in some form that they dont want the commitment. This has been happening over and over again for the past 10 yrs. I dont understand why these men dont want to commit to me and its really getting me down. I feel like Im only good enough for a casual thing and not for a proper relationship....
I usually dont sleep with them until we have been seeing each other for a while so its not like their just after sex because I dont give it away that easy! Ive tried online dating but didnt have any luck so gave it up. I just turned 31 a few weeks ago and feel that all my friends are settling down and Im never going to find anyone. Why is it that nobody wants a relationship with me??

Personally I think you took a knock in self esteem during your relationship with the man who treated you badly. Its possible that you took this with you as you went on dating but has worsened with any knock back you've had with men since. I could be way off here, but often people take some emotional baggage with them if a relationship ends badly.

I think that you need to work on yourself and your confidence first. Do you think you could benefit from some counselling? All of this must have some kind of an effect on you, we are only human and there are only so many knocks you can take. Off loading some of this with someone you can talk to might help, then you could tackle the dating game again. Just because these men don't want relationships, you must realise that that means with anyone, not just you. There are men out there that are open to the idea of commitment, but you need a boost in your confidence before you are ready yourself.

ruaille buaille

Thanks so much for the replies. Im just feeling very fed up at the moment, especially with it being Christmas.
I actually started going to counselling a few months ago. My counseller reckons that i bring this on myself in the way that Im getting exactly what I expect. I find myself saying things like "theres nobody out there for me" and at this stage I cant imagine someone really loving me and treating me right etc because experience has thought me otherwise.

She is telling me to be more positive and believe that I will meet someone and it will happen. I really want to belive in this but I just cant. Its just too much of a coincidence that I keep meeting guys like this. I just feel that its strange that none of these men thought that I was good enough to be their girlfriend. I feel like giving up...

wirelessdude01

You should really be thinking were any of these men good enough to be your boyfriend?

Liamalone

Fancy dinner? If you're up north that is!

ruaille buaille

Haha no South but thanks for making me smile

wirelessdude01

Why not meet up halfway?

Addle

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Now don't take this the wrong way but maybe without realising it you come across as needy and desperate to these. Most men will run a mile from this once they notice it.

Also how many men have ran away from you with various excuses? Less quantity and higher quality control might be in order.

I know a girl who could possibly be the OP, their stories are so similar and the above is the reason she doesn't get past a couple of dates.

Liamalone

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Why not meet up halfway?

Jeepers, the price of diesel is tara up here don't ya know lol.

beks101

ruaille buaille wrote: »

She is telling me to be more positive and believe that I will meet someone and it will happen. I really want to belive in this but I just cant. Its just too much of a coincidence that I keep meeting guys like this. I just feel that its strange that none of these men thought that I was good enough to be their girlfriend. I feel like giving up...

Of course you feel like giving up.

It's very hard to re-wire your brain overnight. To go from "what's the point, I never meet anyone who gives a sh1t anyway..." to "he's out there, I just haven't met him yet."

It's kind of like trying to believe in magic without any evidence. Your logical brain will fight that, as long as you feel the way you do about yourself. As long as the rejections and the not-arsed men are at the fore front of your brain, your mind will stick to the self-defeating thoughts that I don't deserve a decent guy and no guy is ever really interested and those thoughts will affect your demeanour and body language and keep the crappy men coming - because that's all you really know.

The way around this is to start practising self-worth and self-respect in other areas of your life, while setting your love life to the side for a while. Making it less of a priority.

That can take many forms, from lifestyle improvements (diet, exercise, adequate sleep, cutting down of booze/cigarettes etc), to social life improvements (making a concerted effort to spend more time with people who love and care about you, fazing out the people who don't offer you anything good), to setting and achieving mini goals (marathon, work promotion, travel, learning a new language etc) - basically anything that makes you feel good about yourself. Anything that increases your feelings of worth and value and self-respect. Anything that makes you realize, "hold on, I'm fecken deadly" and changes your thinking from "I'm not someone any guy wants to be with", to -

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

were any of these men good enough to be your boyfriend?

I had a really sh1tty dating experience around this time last year, with a guy similar to the ones you met. Strung me along, hot and cold, an immature, ineffective guy who just played with my head in the worst possible way.

I came out of it feeling as you do, and went on a bit of an unintentional "man ban" for a while - I just didn't see the point. I was emotionally exhausted and my mind was acutely focused on all the crappy dating experiences I had gone through up to that point - flings, fcuk buddies, short relationships that invariably destroyed me when they ended.

I sat tight for a few months. Then I ran a half marathon. Then I spent an exciting, exhilarating summer with friends who love me and think I'm deadly. And I travelled to exotic places, met guys and had the time of my life. And more recently, I relocated to an exciting city, wrangled my way into a pretty cool company at the peak of my industry, moved in with my best friend and am currently discovering a new social life in this new, wonderful city.

And even more recently, I've started dating someone utterly lovely who is so different to all the half-there guys who came before him that it's hard to even compare. It's like dating an entirely different species (!!) - there's a friendship and a respect there this time that adds to my self-confidence, as opposed to the constant self-esteem sapping behaviour to which I had become accustomed.
Because I feel good about myself and sort of subconsciously wouldn't settle for anything less this time.

And that "anything less" is all around me, all the time - it didn't just disappear the second I realized that I happen to be a pretty damn good person who deserves love and respect. Like you I'm attractive, I get guys who just want a quick ride sniffing around me all the time - the difference is that they don't really register on my radar these days, because I know what I deserve, I know what doesn't work for me and I can see them coming a mile off.

And I've known for a while now that I'm far better off, emotionally, mentally, being on my own than accepting a behaviour into my life that will invariably leave me feeling inadequate again.

Which brings me back to your thread title - "can't find someone to love me". Yes you can. The person you're looking for is within you. Sort that out and you'll gain an enormous perspective and judgement on the guys around you, that will make the filtering process in determining who is actually good for you, a lot easier.

CaraMay

Op right now you are like a ball in a pinball machine because you are bouncing all round the place trying to meet someone to love you.

I did the same as the last poster before meeting my partner. I just learned not to care. I got fit and healthy and did some great traveling. I had plenty of guys floating around but because I didn't feel the need to be in a relationship I had some perspective on them and could see what they wanted from me pretty quickly. I then operated on my own terms.

My point is if you are stuck in the trees it's hard to see the woods so sometimes it's best to stand back, regroup and take control back of the situation. You shouldn't like every guy you meet - that's just no possible so obviously you are giving chances to guys you aren't sure about and they end up treating you the way you knew they would. Step back, stop dating and take back control. Only date someone who is worth dating you. Good luck

ruaille buaille

Beks your post made me cry, but in a good way! It gives me hope that u have gone through a smiliar thing and now u have found someone that treats u the way u deserve.

You hit the nail on the head with this:

beks101 wrote: »

It's kind of like trying to believe in magic without any evidence.

I was trying to explain this to my councellor but I didnt know how to explain it. Its like I cant believe that the right guy is just around the corner when all I've known is guys that want to use me. I have no trouble with guys approaching me when Im out but none of them want to take me for dinner or on a proper date or spend time getting to know me.

On the other hand I didnt hold out for that either. My attitude was well this is all im going to get so I should take it. Its better than nothing. Better than being on my own all these years. I feel that my choice is either take these dates from men who are just stringing me along or else be on my own...

Ohmydays83

Hi Ruaille Buaille

My advice would be to concentrate on yourself for a while.

Keep seeing the councellor for the next while and after that maybe ease back into the dating again.

I find that a good way to find possible relationships are through friends of friends or maybe joining a group/hobby that you are interested in. Best of luck you will be fine.

GreeBo

One thing I told myself was that any number of failed dates/etc aren't moving you further from finding someone right, or indeed any indication that it's going to be a difficult job.
There is no link from your past date to your next one, unless you make one in your head and project it out to everyone.

Online dating is a numbers game, much more so than organic dating, basically because you are going to go on way more dates. The more you try, the more you will fail, that's just maths. However, the more dates you go on, the more chance you have of meeting one of the many people out there that are perfect for you.

I've just started seeing someone that I met online. I had plenty of dates prior to that that were terrible, grand, exciting and just nothing. And more than a few where I was into it and the other wasn't, just like real life.

If you really want to find someone I'd stick with the online scene a bit, just don't put too much stock and emphasis in negative results, have fun with it!

beks101

ruaille buaille wrote: »

On the other hand I didnt hold out for that either. My attitude was well this is all im going to get so I should take it. Its better than nothing. Better than being on my own all these years. I feel that my choice is either take these dates from men who are just stringing me along or else be on my own...

You see, this is precisely what needs to change. It's virtually impossible to walk around with such a low price on yourself and encourage a decent guy to treat you with respect. Because your body language, demeanour, lack of self esteem and lack of self respect is just SCREAMING at people, "Oh I'll settle for anything, just as long as I'm not on my own."

Oh OP I encourage you so strongly to bring this sentiment up with your counsellor and talk it through, try with all your mite to get passed it. Because as long as you feel like this, you are a walking victim searching for her next predator, waiting for the next guy to come along and prove her right about herself. This is the absolute crux of the problem.

There is nothing wrong with being on your own.

If I could put my finger on one mind shift that I've had this year that allowed me to grow indeterminably, since breaking up with my aRsehole of an ex, that would be it. Coming to realize that being alone is indefinitely more empowering and more full of happiness potential than being with someone who doesn't give a sh1t about me.

And not only is being on your own OK - it's wonderful! Think of all the time you have to accomplish your goals and to spend time becoming the person you want to be, than if you're knee deep in a relationship.

If I hadn't spent most of 2013 single, I would never have trained for a half marathon, or spent the summer travelling and meeting new people, or taken the big leap of relocating a few short months ago to a brand new city to start a brand new life. None of those things would have happened, because I would've been focused on spending my spare time (of which I have so little), with someone else.

Being on your own OP - especially right now - is a wonderful opportunity for you to change these little things about yourself and work on empowering yourself, and growing, and achieving whatever it is you want to achieve. Because regardless of the way society is, or the increasing pressure that you can feel as a single woman as the world around you pairs off (I had my aunt asking me "if I was going to be next" at my cousin's wedding a few short weeks ago :rolleyes:) - you are a WHOLE person right now as you are, not half a person waiting for someone to come along and make you happy.

I can think of nothing more disempowering and disabling to your own happiness than believing such things about yourself.

Neyite

Op, the common denominator in your failed relationships is you. What strikes me is, your title of thread. Cant find somebody to love me. The first person who needs to love you, is you. Sounds cliched but it is true.

When meeting potential partners, your train of thought should not be "am I good enough for them?" but rather "do I think they are good enough for me?"

Beks has hit the nail on the head here. Read and re-read her posts. Take a real break from relationships for a while and work on your own self esteem. We dont get happiness from another person in a relationship. We get it from being happy, fulfilled and respected while we are with that person.

frantechie

all you need to do is read Victoria fortesche post again ....got it spot on past relationships do have an effect on present and future ones get yourself in right place there no rush am sure down the line youll be settled and happy in long term relationship. sometimes you can be looking to hard as well...best of luck to you

ruaille buaille

Thanks again for all the brilliant advice.
Ya its really hard to think that Im bringing it on my self. It makes sense really that im giving off the impression through my body language etc that I will put up with being treated like that. Im gonna have to work hard on building up my self esteem. To be honest I find it difficult to be on my own. I have a lot of friends but Im not very close to them so I like having a partner to share things with etc.

I just feel so down when i see other people getting engaged married and moving in together. The one long term relationship I was in the guy wouldnt really commit to me properly and just strung me along for years. Now he's living with his new gf and just got engaged. I know Im better off cause he was an a*hole but I cant help but question why he never wanted that with me?

thegreatgonzo

ruaille buaille wrote: »

The one long term relationship I was in the guy wouldnt really commit to me properly and just strung me along for years. Now he's living with his new gf and just got engaged. I know Im better off cause he was an a*hole but I cant help but question why he never wanted that with me?

Some people decide to get married when they reach a certain age and whoever they are with at the time will probably do. It's probably no more romantic than that! if he was an asshole with you he may remain so all his life.

beks101

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

Some people decide to get married when they reach a certain age and whoever they are with at the time will probably do. It's probably no more romantic than that! if he was an asshole with you he may remain so all his life.

Yeah, or this new gf fits into his ideology of what constitutes a "perfect wife" - maybe she worships the ground he walks on, or his family love her, or something superficial to do with how she looks, etc.

I've had that happen to me a few times as well, absolute aRsebandit of a guy who treated me poorly for no apparent reason, gets a lovely little girlfriend and a seemingly perfect little relationship ensues. He's pulling out all the big moves you could only have dreamed of. But then I remember how badly that guy is capable of treating a woman and how I was really the lucky one for being subjected to that treatment a little earlier than Ms. Woman of the Moment. He's now her problem and I doubt it will take too long before she realizes it.

As for having someone to share things with - why don't you work on creating some closer friendships, good friends are pretty solid for this kind of thing and will increase your confidence immeasurably. I've got one or two close friends who I'd talk to about anything - from clothes and career to relationship angst and family problems, and they listen and advise or just empathize or share their own experiences, and it's made me a better friend as well as filling that hole that can lead to a lot of loneliness when you're single.

And feck the engagements and marriages and moving-in-togethers. Would you rather be doing all that stuff now with the wrong guy, or at a premature stage in your life, leaving no time for the things that you get to live and experience when you're single? The problem is not that all these people around you are progressing in their relationships - it's that you haven't learned to be comfortable in your own skin and have been using relationships to validate yourself for so long - with pretty bad results.

Work on that.

clairefontaine

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

Some people decide to get married when they reach a certain age and whoever they are with at the time will probably do. It's probably no more romantic than that! if he was an asshole with you he may remain so all his life.

He may or he may not. It does happen where someone can be a dick to a person as some kind of revenge for how they were treated in a past situation. They get it out of their system or learn their lesson, feel remorse and change their ways.

There's a line from Bob Dylan, "I didn't mean to treat you so bad, you just happened to be there that's all."

And comparing ones life to others, really pointless and asking for misery. If you can't stand your own company, you can hardly expect others to like it.