Single mother, cant move out of family home, depressed as hell, NEED ADVICE!

LegacyUser

I am a single mom who works part time on top of going to college full time and looking after my school going child. I have suffered from depression ever since I was in my teens and the last few years I have been really struggling.

I just feel like im sinking. Have had major fights with family for days now over xmas and no matter what is said or done by me and my sibhlings, my mother turns against me and stands by anyone but me. This has always been the case. I truly believe my mother does not like me. She lets me live in the house because she knows I cannot afford to move out but I know she would gladly see the back of me.

I just want to live in a home with my daughter where there is no conflict. The rules that my mother has in place are absurd at times and I find it very hard because I want to do things differently with my own child. For example, she patronises me in front of my child when I dont do as she would like. This is for little things, like last night, when my sibhlings were sitting around before my child went to bed, I wanted to sit down together and watch a festive family film before I put the child to bed but I was told that the tv must be off with visitors in the house. These sisters and brothers of mine just sit with their heads in their phones for hours, there is no conversation. I can understand how she would like it to play out but I am then forced into behaving the way she would like. My dream is to wake up next Christmas with my child and open up her presents and cook the dinner without any worries of being put down by anyone or being controlled.

My brothers and sisters are very hard to deal with. They curse in front of my child without care and have no respect for me as a parent. Sometimes I think they do it just to piss me off. I have been told many times that I am not wanted and I am a bi$@h but the fact is that I just get so angry and depressed over having to deal with the situation that I find it hard to get along with everyone and I just sink into myself.

I know I am lucky to have a place to live but I dont think how I can go on living like this. I am on one parent family but not getting full benefit because I also work part time. Because of this I am refused a student grant and I am up to my eyes in college fees. I want desperately to move out because I have never been more miserable in my life stuck in this house.

I'm just looking for advice from anyone who can help me. I need to get a place of my own but is this even possible? My current situation is throwing me into a darker despair and I am in no way going to harm myself because I couldnt leave my child without a mother so I dont know what else I can do.

Foxhound38

Lost_in_space99 wrote: »

I am a single mom who works part time on top of going to college full time and looking after my school going child. I have suffered from depression ever since I was in my teens and the last few years I have been really struggling.

I just feel like im sinking. Have had major fights with family for days now over xmas and no matter what is said or done by me and my sibhlings, my mother turns against me and stands by anyone but me. This has always been the case. I truly believe my mother does not like me. She lets me live in the house because she knows I cannot afford to move out but I know she would gladly see the back of me.

I just want to live in a home with my daughter where there is no conflict. The rules that my mother has in place are absurd at times and I find it very hard because I want to do things differently with my own child. For example, she patronises me in front of my child when I dont do as she would like. This is for little things, like last night, when my sibhlings were sitting around before my child went to bed, I wanted to sit down together and watch a festive family film before I put the child to bed but I was told that the tv must be off with visitors in the house. These sisters and brothers of mine just sit with their heads in their phones for hours, there is no conversation. I can understand how she would like it to play out but I am then forced into behaving the way she would like. My dream is to wake up next Christmas with my child and open up her presents and cook the dinner without any worries of being put down by anyone or being controlled.

My brothers and sisters are very hard to deal with. They curse in front of my child without care and have no respect for me as a parent. Sometimes I think they do it just to piss me off. I have been told many times that I am not wanted and I am a bi$@h but the fact is that I just get so angry and depressed over having to deal with the situation that I find it hard to get along with everyone and I just sink into myself.

I know I am lucky to have a place to live but I dont think how I can go on living like this. I am on one parent family but not getting full benefit because I also work part time. Because of this I am refused a student grant and I am up to my eyes in college fees. I want desperately to move out because I have never been more miserable in my life stuck in this house.

I'm just looking for advice from anyone who can help me. I need to get a place of my own but is this even possible? My current situation is throwing me into a darker despair and I am in no way going to harm myself because I couldnt leave my child without a mother so I dont know what else I can do.

OP, you need to say exactly what you typed out here to a GP, especially if you suffer from depression. In terms of the despair you feel, you have much to be proud of - you are juggling working, college and raising a child. Any one of those things is a huge task in and of itself - you must be a very strong person to be doing all three. Hang in there as best you can and keep on the lookout for opportunities to change your living situation. This will become a lot easier to do when you finish college and have a qualification under the belt.

But do talk to someone OP, it's important.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I just wanted to agree with Foxhound above- you're doing an amazing job. Also i'd say to hang in there for the moment as you're working towards getting yourself out of it. You need to do all three roles but it's temporary. Once you're finished college, you will have managed to single handedly get yourself out of a very tricky situation- and that is a HUGE achievement. Even you juggling all three right now is huge. OP just pat yourself on the back and keep reminding yourself you're doing literally EVERYTHING you can. You're inspirational and you should be so proud of yourself.
Regarding your family, it might be best to remind your mum that you're in charge of the child and even though she might be in charge of the house, and as much as she might not like so it, that does not negate your position.

I'm also a single mother living (temporarily) back at home. I hate it- my mother is extremely controlling, not allowed to go into certain rooms on certain days of the week, not allowed to have certain food in the fridge or to make certain dinners, (i could go on for ages) and I hate living here.
The gratitude i have towards her for having us here is dwindling (i'm ashamed to say) as she's just so controlling. I'm not a student but i run my own small business part time and i'm finding it incredibly difficult to find a job to supplement it. My area of specialization is in a very small field which all but vanished when the recession hit but I'm just going to plug away and try to keep a smile on my face.
Also- when she has says something inappropriate to me in front of the child, i always remind her that the person in charge of the child is me. Not in those words, but the meaning is clear and now it's like the message gets through a bit. So I do have some idea of what you're going through and it can be so hard.

I keep the thought in my head of one day soon, walking hand in hand with my son into our own place. Just picture it OP- it's going to be great:)

The very best of luck to you:)

LegacyUser

Foxhound38 wrote: »

OP, you need to say exactly what you typed out here to a GP, especially if you suffer from depression. In terms of the despair you feel, you have much to be proud of - you are juggling working, college and raising a child. Any one of those things is a huge task in and of itself - you must be a very strong person to be doing all three. Hang in there as best you can and keep on the lookout for opportunities to change your living situation. This will become a lot easier to do when you finish college and have a qualification under the belt.

But do talk to someone OP, it's important.

I've been going to my GP for depression for years now and I'm on all th meds but I feel almost like admitting myself into a hospital to sort my head out for good. Nothing's getting better

Mayboy

Hey,

Do you think you could see if you can see a psychotherapist and work out the major issues and how you might resolve them?

Secondly, I know you are really honorable to be working - there are many that would take the easier option. But is it helping you? Really? Would you be better taking the pressure off, not working, having more time with your kid and time to study. If you could give up work and get full welfare and a place of your own it might resolve a lot for you. Remember, this situation is not going to last forever and you will come through, at some point you will be a tax paying employee so the welfare you are entitled to will help you get there faster. All the troubles together are too big to handle in any meaningful way but look at them as small goals and you may well see progress. I think you are doing a super job and sound like a great mum. Happy Christmas & I hope 2014 is your big year!

LegacyUser

Thanks so much Samesituation, I know now I'm not the only one dealing with it! Just feel like I can't take too much more of it. I dread Xmas with them because they all hate me and I can't wait for it all to be over.

I have a few more years until I will be able to afford my own place and I'm going to get onto the local council in the mean time to see if I can get something cheaper in rent. I have viewed places in my area in my price range and they are just awful. When I imagine myself and my little one in our own home, I just get even more depressed when I think of that state of the houses we could be in. I'm a disappointment to everyone. No matter how hard I try I can never achieve what I want for my child and I.

Boombastic

This may be harsh, but you had the child, not your brothers and sisters...your post comes across that they should change to accomadate you and your child. Your parents are good enough to give you and your child a home, yet you seem to want it all your way, even though they have had to change their lifestyle as they now have a young child living in the house. Where they consulted before this child was concieved? They seem to be doing more for you than the childs father is....so even after they have had to change thier lifestyle to suit you, they are still in the 'wrong'.Their house, their rules...when you have your own house, you can make your own rules, give them a break. You may think you know best, but you have ended up living back at your parents with a child and from what it seems no help from the father, maybe they see it as you still need guidance, give them a break

LegacyUser

Thanks MayBoy, so nice when someone says I'm a good mum. No one has ever said that to me and I doubt it myself all the time with my circumstances. In fact everyone here has been so nice. I tend to get insulted a lot more than I am complimented!

I haven't been to see anyone. I was recommended a counsellor but when I was younger I had a bad experience and don't want to deal with one again. Also, when a GP recommends a counsellor does that mean they think I'm only a little depressed? I thought I would have been referred to a psychiatrist because my depression has been almost life long.

running the roads

Hi lostinspace, a Counsellor deals in talk therapy, is not qualified to prescribe medicine, they can help you to try to look at things differently, to devise tasks, and plans. It can take time to find the right one, well one that you click with, you do have to be able to respect and trust them. No it doesn't mean that your less or more depressed, its just a different type of therapy. A Psychiatrist will usually talk a bit but their service is more focused on medicine, counselling is talk only and can take a while to yield results, but they can be a lot longer lasting if can provide you with a real sense of hope.

All I can say now is to echo that things do not remain the same, they always do change, sooner or later , keep an eye out as others have said for alternative accommodation and career opportunities and sooner or later things will change for the better.

Also there might be opportunities to spend less time in the home? is there any community centres where you could drop in, possibly with your daughter? any social meet ups? anything that could give you a break? could your daughter's father or parent's play more of a role, freeing up some time for you? living with parents, never mind siblings, is extremely hard as an adult.

I cant wave a magic wand but it's not forever, nothing stays the same, it will get better

December2012

Separate to the other advice - have you looked into all of your housing benefit possibilities?