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Should I tell her?

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  • 25-12-2013 1:49am
    #1
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi there. Wasn't sure whether to put this here or in pi, but think I would prefer it here if the mods allow it.

    I have a friend who I will call John, and another called mark.

    John came out as being trans a little while ago abd id now known as Sarah. She is in the process of transitioning and I couldn't be happier for her, and despite the internal turmoil she is going through, I think she's happier too. :)

    Mark is Sarah's best friend, and has been for years.

    Sarah is having a few difficulties with friends not being able or willing to accept her being herself and has had to resort to cutting contact with people over trabsphobic slurs.

    Mark has been hugely supportive of Sarah, as far as she's concerned.

    However, Mark told myself and another mutual friend of Sarah's that he is not happy about it. That's an understatement tbh. Mark made a lot of vile comments about Sarah and made it very clear that far from supporting her decision to be herself, he abhors it. He said awful things, things that took me aback, and I have heard some pretty horrendous homophobic and trabsphobic stuff in the past from family members so for it to shock even me is pretty bad.

    The dilemma now - do I tell her?

    Quite simply, would you, gay, straight, bi, trans or whatever ekse WANT to know, if you were in Sarah's position? I know it may irrevocably change our friendship but I can accept that.

    So, would you want to know? Or what would you do in my position?


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    #2
    robertxxx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,163 ✭✭✭robertxxx


    Sweet Jesus life's too short.


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    #3
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    robertxxx wrote: »
    Sweet Jesus life's too short.

    Um, okay? I don't know if that was a veiled suggestion as to what I should do, or an insult but I am asking out of concern for my friend.


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    #4
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    I've actually been through something similar, when I first came out I had a friend who swore up and down he was there for me, said I was one of his closest friends and that I meant a lot to him. I believed him, but it turned out he had serious problems with me being trans and was being incredibly two-faced about it, excluding me from our social circle, making excuses about why we wouldn't do anything together anymore, and worse, he lied about other people having a problem with me and told me to avoid such and such a situation because someone would be there. It wasn't until much later that I found out about this, people who he claimed had a problem with me didn't have any problem at all, he had just been using them as an excuse to mask his own prejudices and avoid me.

    It wasn't the fact that he had a problem with me, but the fact that he was so duplicitous and nasty about it that hurt the most.

    I'd say tell her, she doesn't deserve to be stabbed in the back by someone who claims to be her friend.


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    #5
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    Well I'd speak to Mark and tell him that he needs to be honest with Sarah. If he's unwilling I'd tell him that you are going to tell Sarah yourself. I'd be up front with Mark about it. Don't be two faced yourself. Give him sometime then ask Sarah if Mark has spoken to her. Then I'd tell her if he's not been upfront with her. Their my thoughts. Be prepared to loose two friends though. We rarely like hearing news like that and the giver is the one that's blamed. She may be grateful in time though.


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    #6
    dozy doctor
    Registered Users Posts: 751 ✭✭✭dozy doctor


    green_screen wrote: »
    The dilemma now - do I tell her?

    The old saying applies here....

    It is none of her business what people think about her, or any of your business,. and to be perfectly honest, she has enough on her plate to care what someone thinks of her....
    She should be busy enjoying life they way she wants to live and at the
    end of the day, she will know who her real friends are...

    Don't get involved, just be there for her.....


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    #7
    Lou.m
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    It is a tough decision.

    On the one hand she might be better off being blissfully unaware. However she might become aware at some point in a much more dramatic way it might be nicer to find out in a quiet compassionate way. To be honest I feel that these things come out eventually. She will probably find out sooner or latter.

    Also he may change his mind over time you never know. Could you talk to him about his attitudes ?? Help him adjust??

    If he does not support her then he needs to keep that to himself and not bitch behind her back.

    Personally I would give him a bollocking.

    To be honest she is probably WAAAAY past giving a **** about what people think at this stage.

    I generally think honesty is the only way otherwise he is probably going to twist the **** out of the situation to avoid looking bad.

    It is up to you. Personally i would bring it up and tell him I was doing it as I would not want to be his friend. I would give him a chance to change though.

    But if he was as bad as you say then he is not going to be nice for her to be around anyway.

    Good luck to her :-)


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