Absent dad at Xmas

Hannaho

Hi! I'm sitting here and trying to come to terms with the fact that my children's dad, my ex-partner did not contact them for Christmas, no present, no phone call, no card, no acknowledgement. My son's birthday was on the 18th December, and there was no present, no card, no call/text. '

Last January, my children, now 13 and 11, finally stood up to their dad after years of emotional/psychological abuse and intimidation to protect his image as a good dad. The children were afraid of their dad, and on the weekends they went to his house, they were left for hours without food, and were forced to eat their dinners for breakfast if they did not like/eat what they were given for dinner. Often he used to threaten them that he would not return them to me at the weekend - my son used to cry going and my daughter frequently clung to my legs and begged me not to send her - such is our Family Law System that she was forced to go.

Nobody listened until my daughter started talking about suicide - then our wonderful G.P. contacted social services and sent my daughter for counselling, despite the protestations of her father. Our G.P. asked to meet the children's dad, but he refused. Eventually, their dad realised that his image was crumbling, that we had support, and people were going to get to know what the children actually went through on their access visits to him.

Today, having not seen their dad for almost a year, the children are really happy, they don't want to talk about him, or to see him ever again. They have said that if anything were to happen to me, and if my relatives can't look after them, they would want to go into care, and not to their dad.

Tonight, on Christmas Eve, sitting here, I feel so sad that a parent can abandon a child, that they are not mature enough to make the effort to put things right with their children - I also feel some guilt that I chose such a person to be the father of my children, and that they have gone through so much because of this - however, on the surface my ex partner is a professional and has a good job and ticks all the boxes!

Going forward, it is likely that the issue of the emotional/psychological abuse and neglect may be taken further legally, but that is out of my hands at the moment.

If anyone on this forum has had a similar experience with an ex partner/husband, I would really appreciate some advice on how you coped and overcame the situation.

Thanks in advance.

GreeBo

I don't have any personal experience off this myself, but I can say that none of it is your fault. You didn't choose to make him like this, he did. You are doing your best for your kids and clearly they are much happier with you.

Rough time of year, but let your children's happiness comfort you even you feel down.

All the best and happy Christmas.

V.W.L 11

i'm an absent dad at christmas but that is not of my own doing,i have exhausted every avenue to see my kids for christmas to no avail so spare a thought for the dads who want to but cant see their children for christmas

Taltos

OP - we have closed your other thread. Per our charter please don't open multiple threads in a short space of time, it is considered attention whoring and can result in all thread being closed as well as warnings / infractions / bans being issued.

Thanks
Taltos

Ham Sambo

Hi Hannaho. I would have similar experiences although coming from a different angle, I'll summarise briefly where I am coming from.. I am in my step-sons life over ten years now, he is now twelve years old, his Mum (now my wife) and I met about twelve months after she split up with his biological father after a stormy relationship. When he realised that my step-sons Mum was getting on with her life he began playing 'silly buggers' and started demanding to see 'his' son. My wife had no issues with this so long as he put in the effort, it lasted a few weeks and then he stopped all contact, my step-son went through a lot of crying etc but got over it in time, he now has zero contact with him and is as happy as larry and enjoying life as any twelve year old boy should, to answer your question you are lucky to have that waste of space out of your children's lives, don't be sad, it's his loss and they don't miss him one bit, your kids in time will realise that you are worth ten of him, carry on what you are doing!! Merry Christmas!

Merkin

It's probably hard to have perspective on this while its still so raw but you should really be thanking your lucky stars that he is estranged from them.Being in touch with them harms and frightens your children so in some cases an absent parent really is best for all concerned.Happy Christmas.

CBX

You say that you are upset that the father has not sent any presents or contacted your children. My advice is to just try to forget about it and enjoy Christmas with your kids. It is clear from your post that your children would actually be more upset if their father did send presents or make contact so I feel you should be happy that he has not.

Try relax and enjoy your dinner and the rest of the day with your kids!

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I know and understand how you feel, what it's like to have the feelings of guilt and sadness for your children as regards their absent father. It's a year round feeling, and heightened at this time of the year, when all around you families reunite in seeming happiness. Just be reassured that in your heart, you know that you are doing your best in the situation, and for your children. It's inexplicable how anyone can abandon their children, but people do, and you can't make someone do what they don't want to. It's sad, and not only for the children, but for the single parent left to constantly pick up the pieces, and absorb the remaining family members sadness and grief. All I can say is be kind to yourself, and try to let it go. See what you have, and treasure it.
Best of luck to you and yours, and may 2014 bring you peace and happiness.
Xxx

V.W.L 11

there are plenty of women who beg and plead for fathers to see their children to no avail and the fathers will have that on their conscience until the day they die but.....here is the interesting bit,many mothers use kids as weapons/pawns and refuse to let the fathers see the kids and in most cases that end up in court once the woman turns in the waterworks the judge is bought and the father is left picking up even more pieces,now today of all days should be a time for families but many fathers across the country have no contact with their sons/daughters as a result,yet when a man suffers from depression or has to turn to professionals for help as a result of the mental damage that has been caused people say they will get over it,it is high time the government set up a proper system as (SOME) judges are not competent to deal with family law cases,but as usual many children will be wrongly deprived of their dads and many dads will be deprived of their children so just remember that a child has a right to 2 parents all year round,not just at weekends or christmas

Taltos

V.W.L 11 - welcome to PI.
If you have not already read the charter please take 5 minutes to do so before posting again. PI is not a discussion forum and we ask posters to limit their posts to constructive advice to the OP. Off topic posts can and do result in moderator action. Due to the sensitive nature of many of many of the issues here this forum is strictly moderated so we ask all posters to take care of their responses.

Thanks
Taltos

Witchie

OP I am really sad to hear about your situation but only from the perspective that I share with you about the guilt of not having picked a better dad for your kids. Unfortunately in life we fall in love sometimes with the wrong person but you, like myself are blessed with 2 wonderful children who make everything else insignificant.

My ex is a loser but my eldest son (now 19) thinks the sun shines out of his you-know-where but my youngest lad told my sister today that he didn't want to leave our house and go to his dad's today coz he much preferred to be with my family. This I am sure is down to the fact that his dad doesn't really bother with them, takes them once a month for a day or 2 and just isn't in any meaningful way a part of their lives. The only draw for my youngest (aged 16) is their 3 sisters, whom my ex seems to be a great dad to.

My advice to you would be to realise how amazing you must be that your children felt strong enough and trusted you enough to tell you that they didn't want to go to their dad or want him in their lives. You have done a fantastic job in bringing them up if at that age they are able to make such life changing decisions and are happy to spend their time with you. Bravo to you for being a strong mummy and giving them all they need, coz that is soooooo not easy. Let the guilt over it all go. Make their Christmas and New Years memorable by having lots of fun and in years to come they will look back and bask in the love they felt which will far outweigh any sadness they feel at their dad not being in their lives.

You are doing an outstanding job, don't let this little wobble bring you down. If you ever need to vent or talk just let me know. x

starnight

I am so sorry to hear that it took for your little one to talk about suicide before anyone took notice of her like so many others. I am also sorry to hear how your husband treated your children this man is not a man picking on his own children like that this is form of abuse. They are better off with out there father in there lives they will be better off in the long run. You should be very proud of your little girl for standing up and talk about her problems. I hope both of your children have a happy life.

ABajaninCork

OP. You shouldn't feel sad at all. You can't make your kids have a relationship with their father, even though you've done your very best.

You sound like an amazingly strong woman to have gone through all this, and come out the other side. It's a shame your daughter had to threaten self-harm before the courts step in. I really think children should be given more of a say in where they live and how much contact they should have with the 'absent' parent,.

Leave the loser right where he is. Concentrate on having the best Christmas you can with your kids going forward and being the best Mum you can be. Remember - revenge is a life well-lived!

Let's hope their father never takes sick and has to ask his kids to bring him a glass of water.

Hannaho

Thanks so much to all of you for your replies - it really meant a lot to me. I was initially really shocked that the moderators closed the thread and accused me of 'attention whoring' - it couldn't be further from the truth!

We have gotten through Christmas - I have to say it is me that is so sad for the children, rather than them - but I do wonder how they will feel in years to come when they know their dad has abandoned them.

I am definitely feeling a lot better now - there something about Christmas that highlight any sadness in families. Just being the other side of Christmas is helpful. Hopefully, the New Year and the feeling of putting things behind us and starting again, will also help us/me. This was the first Christmas when there has been absolutely no contact - we have already been through the first birthdays without contact.

I realise that my children are far better off without their dad due to all that's happened. They both demonstrated huge courage in speaking out about the emotional abuse/intimidation/neglect etc. and are adamant that they want to take what happened to them further in terms of child protection/legal avenues. I still feel guilty about my choice of partner - hopefully that will change in time - my ex has a new partner now - perhaps another 'victim' is really how it should be seen, and more children. He was also married previously.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. - it was really appreciated!