Being LGBT is so lonely for me

ewan whose army

So I am a gay guy and I just find it so lonely, I mean I am so miserable all the time, and I just don't find any pleasure in anything, most 23 year olds have friends, a social life etc. I have nothing.

I find it hard to make friends, being gay I can't have a family and I suck at relationships; being gay and unable to string together the guts to accept it so I just get taken advantage of by other guys. I don't want this

How do other LGBT+ people manage to find happiness and friends?

baby and crumble

This may sound harsh, but think rationally for a minute- do the things you describe really come from being gay? Or is it your current life or situation in general getting you down? Have you spoken to your GP about the possibility of depression?

ewan whose army

baby and crumble wrote: »

This may sound harsh, but think rationally for a minute- do the things you describe really come from being gay? Or is it your current life or situation in general getting you down? Have you spoken to your GP about the possibility of depression?

The fact that I can't have a family and being just perceived as LGBT got me assaulted last month.

Cuddled

ewan whose army wrote: »

The fact that I can't have a family and being just perceived as LGBT got me assaulted last month.

You are hardly Lesbian Gay Bi and Trans at the same time now are you?

ewan whose army

Cuddled wrote: »

You are hardly Lesbian Gay Bi and Trans at the same time now are you?

No I meant in the minority

Annasopra

OP

I think you need to discuss this with a counsellor.

It seems like B and C said that you are unhappy in general in life and that you are blaming everything that is wrong with your life on being gay

mr.anonymous

My boards session timed out the first time, so my seven or eight paragraphs of reassurance are gone :mad:

Basically:

You're not alone. Anyone on here who has put their name down for the meet ups is or was in the same situation.

Get the relationship with yourself right. Have some self respect and that should stop the problem of guys taking advantage of you.

I think that school and my years as a teenager are more a cause of my problems than being gay. I'm slowly adjusting and realising that it's all in my past and doesn't influence my future unless I let it.

I can compartmentalise being gay. I'm a lot of things, I just happen to be gay as well. Don't define yourself as a gay guy. Gay is neither a limiting nor defining characteristic.

I can't say I find it easy to make friends. Friends aren't going to fall at your feet. You have to make an effort with people. It takes ages. For some people it's instantaneuous, but that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.

I remembered this while I was typing

ewan whose army

ewan whose army wrote: »

So I am a gay guy and I just find it so lonely, I mean I am so miserable all the time, and I just don't find any pleasure in anything, most 23 year olds have friends, a social life etc. I have nothing.

How different do you think this would be if you were straight? To me it doesn't sound like your sexuality is the main issue here. Plenty of people from all walks of life feel like this at times.

I find it hard to make friends, being gay I can't have a family and I suck at relationships; being gay and unable to string together the guts to accept it so I just get taken advantage of by other guys. I don't want this

If you're struggling this much to accept it then you should probably talk to someone. I'm sure there are counsellors out there used to dealing with this sort of thing. You could always contact Gay Switchboard or lgbt.ie or similar organisations out there, they might be able to help you more than strangers on the internet are.

How do other LGBT+ people manage to find happiness and friends?

Well I can't really answer the happiness part; I've had depression for four years now. But in terms of making friends I mostly made them in university. I never had many friends (at least not close ones) in school, and only have one from my old school that I still speak to with any sort of regularity. In university it can start by making just one friend, then meeting their friends, then meeting friends of their friends etc.

If you're in university then joining clubs/societies relative to your interests can help. You're more likely to bond with people you have stuff in common with. LGBT societies are often perceived as cliquey, and I guess they can be, but you're likely to find at least one like minded person there.

The important thing if you're feeling miserable is to talk to someone. Unloading on the internet is a good start but from what you've written I think seeing a counsellor might help you more.

playedalive

ewan whose army wrote: »

So I am a gay guy and I just find it so lonely, I mean I am so miserable all the time, and I just don't find any pleasure in anything, most 23 year olds have friends, a social life etc. I have nothing.

Tbh I wouldn't focus on other people's lives. Things like facebook and what people say is not all that great as it seems. Nobody has the perfect professional or social lives as they make out. A lot of people our age (probably like other people) do exaggerate the basic details, if I have learnt much from university and working life.

I think there is an element to being gay and lonely, as it is a common symptom. It is not easy to date and make friends without being in exclusive atmospheres where you can come across a lot of sh*te (like grindr). Even the 'fun' of the Gay scene can be quite the turn off and disillusioning (all the latter has been my experience as a 23 year old gay man myself) This can make you realise that maybe you need to open up and that exclusivity is not the concrete answer. Try new hobbies, new things and make yourself happy, far away from the LGBT world, in other ways without relating everything to your sexuality, as it is really only one aspect of your life.

ewan whose army wrote: »

I find it hard to make friends, being gay I can't have a family and I suck at relationships; being gay and unable to string together the guts to accept it so I just get taken advantage of by other guys. I don't want this

How do other LGBT+ people manage to find happiness and friends?

I think you need to focus more on the short term rather than the long term. You talk about wanting to have a family and a fulfilling relationship. Being lonely and vulnerable is going to make you want that even more. I can definitely resonate. Try to not find it automatically. As I said, getting away from the exclusivity of being gay and just find what makes you pedantically happy (music, hobbies, career). Life can be grim and you need to be hopeful that things can be better once you try.

ewan whose army

ewan whose army wrote: »

How do other LGBT+ people manage to find happiness and friends?

The same way as everyone else.

As a few others have noted in the thread - you are making this about your sexuality when it should not be - but I can see how you might given your sexuality has clearly defined many of your experiences to date.

But if you go on the "straight" relationship forums around here and spend a couple of hours reading - and I hope you do - you will find that the same complaints you have exist there too - how to find friendships and connections in an ever so steadily crazy world of introspection and introversion.

And my advice remains the same as ever. Explore yourself. Explore what you love. Explore any and all social aspects of the things you love. And finding friends - connections - and love - are things that happen _on that journey_ rather than being the goal of the journey itself.

So my first step advice? Sit down tomorrow with pen and paper and write down what you love - what excites YOU - be it music - talking - acting - reading - fighting - drinking - sleeping - **** - gaming - watching - whatever. Work out what it is - write it down.

And sleep on that for a day - and on day two start exploring that list on how you can get better at everything on that list - and work out how to implement that.

And after a few days - weeks - even months of getting better at the things on that list - start exploring how to take your own personal hobby social. Groups. Clubs. Busking. Demos. Teaching. There are very few past times that do not have a social aspect to them. And if you take your own love and passion to those places - you fill find love and passion returned along the way.

Ambersky

Some interesting work has been done on LGBT mental health. While how the individual copes with any stress will be influenced by their individual personality and what has gone on before in their lives, being LGBT can carry with it stresses of its own .

Minority Stress

The Supporting LGBT Lives study is the most comprehensive research to date on the mental health and well being of LGBT Irish people. A key finding was that experiencing homophobia, transphobia, prejudice, victimisation and fear of being open about one's identity causes psychological distress for LGBT people. This stress experienced for being LGBT - called minority stress - impacts on people's mental health and increases the risk of suicidal behaviour, particularly among younger LGBT people. The study examined different aspects of minority stress including: LGBT victimisation, coming out, experiences at school and workplace experiences..

http://www.glen.ie/subpage.aspx?contentid=23329&name=lgbt_mental_health

I think the fact that GLEN are referring to minority stress in this study gives us a good lead into the social dynamics of their study. People who are LGBT belong to a minority group who's differences are often invisible. . Because any differences are denied in childhood and even in adulthood, with a social preference to usually presume heterosexuality untill revealed otherwise this puts a lot of responsibility, pressure and even blame on the person who is LGBT because they have to for example choose when, where and how often to reveal that difference. We are usually surrounded with a social model of heterosexuality that is presented as normal while sometimes being told that the fact that you are LGBT isnt actually that important. The statement "its not that important" can be a statement of inclusion but it can also be a statement of diminishment, it can be a statement that fine your gay but keep it to yourself, all conversations and socialisation will continue to be about and around our heterosexual relationships. Trying to find the right balance and act as normal as possible in a situation that can damn you for coming out and also damn you for not coming out, can be crazy making. Being asked to suppress or not feel grief for not being able to fit into the model of socially accepted and celebrated married partner and children that you thought you would have in life can be crazy making too.
Being part of a minority often isnt easy. Many LGBT people grew up with majority status and that means being able to presume that the values, beliefs, social status, cultural preferences and attitudes held by you, your family and associates, are normal and what everyone else should aspire to.
Suddenly finding yourself outside that majority status and in a less socially acceptable position can come as a shock to the whole system. Within Buddhism this is referred to as "a shattering of illusions" and that is both a shocking thing to happen and a potentially liberating thing to happen.
Personally Im glad it happened to me, really glad, Im a much better person for it but it take a lot of inner work to find a new footing, to let go of old values that dont actually work either for you now or for a lot of other people.

I think you can grow to become a lot stronger, a lot more compassionate and a lot wiser ewan whos army by getting through this time. It is a matter of accepting yourself for who you are but it can be difficult enough finding out who that is. We do tend to want to find out everything in a hurry but I dont think that works, all the pushing yourself and wishing you were elsewhere can be counterproductive. If you take it easy and allow your feelings to come up and consider that your job now is to feel your feelings and examine them, maybe with some help and coming up with your own conclusions I think you will become someone you will really like. Maybe you are becoming someone new and have to get through that before you can meet that someone special and new friends. You have mentioned before that you would like to train to help other LGBT people, you could consider this part of your training. They say we humans can survive anything if we think it has purpose and meaning, maybe thats your purpose.

As well as reporting on the stresses of minority status on LGBT people GLEN also reports on LGBT resiliance

Mental Health Resilience'

While minority stress exposes a significant percentage of LGBT people to suicidality, given adequate support most LGBT people develop resilience to the stresses they encounter and live happy and satisfying lives.
81% of participants are now comfortable with their LGBT identity, and the majority have good self-esteem and are satisfied with their lives.
Over 2/3 have come out to all their immediate family and their friends.
Support of family (parents in particular) and friends as well as positive experiences in communities, schools or workplaces are critical for LGBT people's well-being and good mental health
Mental health resilience (i.e. the ability to cope with minority stress) was related to: acceptance and support from family and friends; a positive turnabout or life event such as the transition out of secondary school; support from LGBT community organisations and services; developing positive coping strategies and good self-esteem; and positive school or work experiences

Here is some more information on Looking After Yourself
http://www.lgbtmentalhealth.ie/look_after_yourself.html