what to do with a 'commitment phobe'

mazers22

So i met a guy last year. We got on great and I was crazy about him. Then he stopped contacting me so I presumed he wasnt interested. I was pretty dissapointed because I really felt we had a connection. Met him again a few months later, got together again and spent a week together non stop. then bam, he tells me he doesnt want to mess me around, hes not sure if he wants a relationship , so we shouldnt see eachother again. Then last week , he gets in contact, says he cant stop thinking about me, really regrets what he did, and that he just had serious " commitment issues" but he hadnt met a girl like me and we ended up together again. I really feel like we had a connection , iv never felt this way for anyone before, but I dont know if i should trust him again .. how do I know he wont do the same again .. any advice on how to play this !? Should I cut my losses and move on or give him a chance.. is a ' commitment phobe ' a serious red flag to stay away? I just find it impossible to stay away from him !!

Typer Monkey

I find the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. What is he 'doing' rather than 'saying' to make you think he's changed?

To me it looks like he's getting back in touch when he wants some action and disappears again shortly afterwards (sorry!)

Maybe be a little less available?

mazers22

Typer Monkey wrote: »

I find the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

That sounds like a good way to think about things. Being less available is definatly something I need to do.. I just dont know how ! he hasnt really been in contact since, but we are now both home for the christmas . he said to me he really regretted what he did etc etc .. but maybe he was just looking for some action ..

mazers22

what do you mean by 'always call are borderline contempt' ? he told me he had 'commitment issues' .. the more i think about it , maybe that really was just bull. But I really did think we had a really good thing together. Thats the only reason im giving him a second thought. part of me is thinking of dropping him a line now , explaining that i dont think I can trust what he said, and tell him to not get in contact or ask to meet up again unless hes serious. or maybe il just not get in contact atall. This is playing on my mind alot, and im never this kind of person atall , iv been happily single for the last year , meeting lots of great guys, but this one has stopped me in my tracks !

Typer Monkey

mazers22 wrote: »

Being less available is definatly something I need to do.. I just dont know how !.

You do know how, you just don't want to do it! :-) don't agree to drunken hook ups or casual sex if that's not making you happy. Go on dates. Don't jump immediately to respond to crumbs. It's not about playing games it's knowing what you want and not accepting less. If you don't set an acceptable standard for your treatment who will?

Sometimes the right thing to do is the more difficult thing to do

mazers22

Thank you for the good advice there. I agree thats what I need to do. to me , we got on great , I really felt like we had a connection , he told me he felt the same and he was really putting himself out of his comfort zone when he was telling me that. But maybe he really was just looking for some action that night.. surely not all guys are that shallow ? or am I just too naive?!

Typer Monkey

Not all guys are the same. They don't all think or act the same. You seem to be far too into this one for the casual, drop in, drop out set up you've had thus far. Again it really doesn't matter what he says, it's how he actually behaves/treats you.

And I wouldn't send him the big dramatic text you outlined there. It just looks like you're trying to provoke a reaction from him. It's a bit embarrassing to text someone who isn't really in contact with you to ask them not to contact you??

Typer Monkey

And one more thing..commitment issues translates to 'I don't like you enough to commit to just you'. Lots of people loose their 'commitment issues' when they meet someone they're mad about

mazers22

haha yes true . OH GOD WHAT AM I THINKING !! a reality check is in order. Im going to step away , and if he makes a good effort then something good could start, if he doesnt .. then it doesnt really make any difference to how things are for me now anyway ! being less available needs to happen.

Tigger99

Typer Monkey wrote: »

And one more thing..commitment issues translates to 'I don't like you enough to commit to just you'. Lots of people loose their 'commitment issues' when they meet someone they're mad about

+1,000,000

I've seen this time and time again.

mazers22

Tigger99 wrote: »

+1,000,000

I've seen this time and time again.

Do you mean you have seen people with comitment issues loose them when they meet someone , or that its just an excuse ?!

wirelessdude01

mazers22 wrote: »

Do you mean you have seen people with comitment issues loose them when they meet someone , or that its just an excuse ?!

Loose them when they meet the right person. I would have always said I didn't want children even when I was in what I thought at the time was a good relationship. Now I can't wait to start a family as I'm happy with my lady.

Babooshka

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Loose them when they meet the right person. I would have always said I didn't want children even when I was in what I thought at the time was a good relationship. Now I can't wait to start a family as I'm happy with my lady.

That's exactly it, and I am sure you you 100% meant what you said at that particular time. Same for OP's commitment phobe...he probably is genuine OP, in that he genuinely does want to make a commitment to you and have it all work out but it doesn't mean it will. Sometimes people want stuff to be a certain way when in reality it isn't like that, doesn't make hima bad person either. Or maybe he has changed and is mad about you.

If you're really into him, to be honest, I'd run the other way, if you feel you're more into him than he is into you. Even if you leave it, he will change your mind if he's really intent on getting you back. If he can still take it or leave it after you've told him you're not really sure and you'll let him do all the running, then I would move on, he kind of owes you at this stage, the least he owes you is a serious effort to win back your interest by showing you he's serious, and I am not talking flowers and hearts, I mean genuine time and effort. I am not encouraging you to play head games - you'd have to genuinely actively get busy doing other stuff, not pretend that you are, but I would definitely fill my diary with other social appointments and not make him a priority until he does that with you first and you begin to see that he means it. Plenty more fish in the sea...best of luck.

CaraMay

mazers22 wrote: »

haha yes true . OH GOD WHAT AM I THINKING !! a reality check is in order. Im going to step away , and if he makes a good effort then something good could start, if he doesnt .. then it doesnt really make any difference to how things are for me now anyway ! being less available needs to happen.

What would you consider a good effort?

Don't bother going into a rigmarole about not trusting what he says. Just be busy.

mazers22

' a good effort ' I would consider to be if i felt he was going out of his way to see me or spend time together .. I wish it was as easy to forget about him and not give him priority !

Tigger99

Seems to be three booty calls. If he was into you he'd be calling you, wanting to date you, wanting to spend time with you, supporting you, treating you right. None of this really seems to be happening.

Ok it's hard to ignore him, but why do you think so little of yourself that you are willing to accept scraps of contact? You''ve given advice of being more busy, less available. Those kinda games only work in the short term until he gets distracted by another. Anyway surely you want a guy you don't have to play games with?

Long story short: it's not gonna be easy to stay away from him but better now than when you are even more invested in him feelings wise.

Tigger99

And I'm sure there are guys you dated, weren't into and you didn't see them again. No reflection On them, you just weren't feeling it. Dint take it personally, it happens.

mazers22

thats the thing though , we hd gone on dates , he introduced me to all his friendds , brought to a dinner function with them ! its just too hot and cold . il take a step back and see .. surely not all men have a one track mind !

Magicmatilda

Maybe he needed a date for the function and just brought you. It doesn't really mean anything. Could he have gone alone? Would he have wanted to? If he made you feel comfortable in his affections you wouldn't be here asking us. So Obviousely you have doubts, listen to them and move on. Or continue but do so knowing that you are ignoring your doubts and don't hold him entirely responsibly when he doesn't commit. After all he has told you he won't.

CaraMay

mazers22 wrote: »

thats the thing though , we hd gone on dates , he introduced me to all his friendds , brought to a dinner function with them ! its just too hot and cold . il take a step back and see .. surely not all men have a one track mind !

Not all people place importance on introducing a date to friends. A friend of a friend did the same thing to me - brought me to a wedding, met the parents etc. I read too much into it in my own mind and he scarpered after the wedding.

It shouldn't be so much stress at the start. Plenty more fish etc

mazers22

thats true . It should start as you mean to go on . if he acts this irrationally now , then what else could happen in the future. its just a real pity, because I never felt a click with someone in that way before, and he said the same. plenty more fish though

LegacyUser

Do you want a relationship with him?

Just "end it" with him and if he tries to get back with you then that's that. If he is not very interested then that's it, he won't try and get you back. If he does then..hurray! Could take a month or two but sure..

That's what I did with my commitment phobe boyfriend and a year and half later we couldn't be happier! It's not easy but it's better than never knowing what's happening. And if it doesn't work out at least you'll know he wasn't that into you anyway, and what's the point in being with someone that doesn't want to be with you?

mazers22

Yes I do want a relationship with him. I genuinly do think we both had a really good feeling together. He was putting himself way out of his comfort zone saying he had missed me etc .. but Im probably coming across too strong for him. I would usually run a miole from this kind of hassle , but i think this time its worth it !

wirelessdude01

mazers22 wrote: »

Yes I do want a relationship with him. I genuinly do think we both had a really good feeling together. He was putting himself way out of his comfort zone saying he had missed me etc .. but Im probably coming across too strong for him. I would usually run a miole from this kind of hassle , but i think this time its worth it !

What your saying though shows him in a bad light. To me it looks like he considers you a booty call. Harsh I know.

mazers22

Its definatly more then a booty call im sure of that , and im not just trying to kid myself ! to be honest if it was just a booty call that would be fine , and alot less messy !

wirelessdude01

mazers22 wrote: »

Its definatly more then a booty call im sure of that , and im not just trying to kid myself ! to be honest if it was just a booty call that would be fine , and alot less messy !

What has he done to back up that line of thinking?

GreeBo

Commitment issues, in my experience, is down to not being sure about the other person or the relationship.

I'm sure there are other reasons that are just as valid, but for me that's what it has always been.

It could possibly be insecurity too.
I suggest bringing it up in a non confrontational way.

LegacyUser

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

What has he done to back up that line of thinking?

Sorry OP, sounds like booty call plus 'justification' to me. I don't even see medium term future with this guy.

mazers22

to back up that i dont think its just a booty call - the conversations wev had about feeling for eachother, his friends telling me he had been talking about me to them , him taking me for lunch etc. .. hes a good looking guy , and would have no problem pulling girls on nights out. A guy would hardly go that far for a booty call ? maybe they would .

treelights

Well, you just need to talk to him. Tell him you're not meeting up with him anymore unless he's your boyfriend and you're his girlfriend. Period. Then you'll soon get your answer.

I had a boyfriend who "wouldn't commit" and I did the same thing. He agreed to be my boyfriend and we were together for 2.5 years after that conversation.

But.

I should have listened to him in the beginning. After 2.5 years, we eventually broke up because he still couldn't commit - ie, never wanted to live together, let alone any long term commitment, etc. There's a lot more details, but he basically did not want a long-term future with me.

But he was actually very honest with me from the start. He didn't want to commit, although he liked me very much. I was young and thought he'd change. Listen to what he's telling you about himself and who he is and what he wants, or doesn't want.

Good luck x

LegacyUser

Look OP, I would take every bit of advice you get online with a pinch of salt. I asked loads of different people online for advice when I was in a similar situation, and everyone told me to just forget about it and that he was treating me like s*it.

We did break up, for a few months, but then we got back together again. Well, never really broke up as he would never all it a "relationship".. And getting back together was his decision. I was actually pretty much over him at that stage! We have been together since and everything is great! We are moving in together soon (his decision!)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is you have no idea what's going on in his head. Turned out my fella was cheated on by his ex and he was scared of being hurt again.

You can talk about him all you like but you will won't know where you stand unless you just leave and see does he take you back. (but again, don't trust my advice!)