Girl pregnant from one night stand...while on holiday in a different country

LegacyUser

Please help me. I am so confused.

At the start of November I went to France on holiday and had a one night stand. I met her on the last night of my holiday.
Since then I have been having a semi long distance relationship with her. I said I will come to France in the future and we talk on FaceTime most days.

A few weeks ago I met an Irish girl and have fallen in love with her. I have not told the French girl. My plan was to end it with the French girl in a few weeks.

Please do not judge me so far, I know I have made some mistakes already.

The French girl has now told me she is pregnant. She wants to keep the baby and she wants me to move to France to help raise it with her. She is talking about marriage.

I am so scared. I do not really know the French girl, I am not ready for the baby, and there is another girl in my life.

But I also feel I cannot force her to have an abortion as I think that would be wrong. She told me she has already had an abortion with an ex and she desperately does not want another one.

She has so much hope that I will go to France and do the right thing.

A large part of me thinks the situation is crazy and thinks it could be a big mistake to leave Ireland and my new girlfriend to raise a kid with a girl I don't know.

Am I a bad person for wanting her to have an abortion? Part of me feels I should go to France. I don't know what to do.

Please help me. Thank you.

Penny Tration

Tell her the truth sooner rather than later. If she chooses to keep the child, you may have a legal obligation to pay towards its upbringing.

Mayboy

Hi,

Sounds a bit of a tricky situation. Do you want to go to France, do you like the girl? What age are you? Is there someone you can talk to? Your parents?

Don't want to be moralistic but if you are having unprotected sex you should think about a visit to the STI clinic too.

Engine No.9

green_screen wrote: »

Tell her the truth sooner rather than later. If she chooses to keep the child, you may have a legal obligation to pay towards its upbringing.

Moral obligation, certainly. But legal, I'm not too sure. Considering it across international borders n all. She would have to move to Ireland for a legal case to stand.

OP, soon as I saw this, I immediately thought scam. U hear about scams like this all the time. Are u sure she's pregnant. By the time it comes for you to move, she might very well tell you that its not a good idea and start blackmailing/extorting money out of you. Just be very careful.

ted1

Tell her, if she has the child be prepared to provide maintenance and for regular visits.

Be prepared for the Irish girl to also dump you.

DazMarz

Not to sound harsh, how do you even know she's pregnant? I'd be very sure before I'd go making any kind of decision regarding plans about anything.

You should also would not uproot myself and move to France, not a hope. You do not know this girl at all and starting a life with her could (and most probably would) be a disaster.

The most you should be prepared to do would be to maybe offer some financial support (Western Union payments or something). But this would be conditional on a DNA test being done and 100% proving the child is yours. How do you know it's yours at the moment? Her word that she has not slept with anyone else? I don't know if I'd take that at face value. No way.

You are not a bad person for wanting her to have an abortion, not in the slightest. In fact, in a situation such as this, it is probably the best option. I do not know how old either of you are, but I'm going to hazard a guess at both of you being quite young. I don't think either of you would be best capable for raising a child anyway. Harsh as it may be, an abortion is probably the best option, for both of you in the long run.

You say you've made mistakes, but it takes two to tango. She made mistakes as much as you did. Don't beat yourself up too much.

She must be very delusional and impressionable that she would think that someone she had a one night relationship with would leave their own country and their own life to come over and "do the right" thing. I think that is crazy. As I've mentioned, some financial support and maybe a visit or two (if possible) might be the most of it.

But think very carefully. If you decide to move to France and "do the right thing", your life will be forever and irrevocably altered. You will leave your friends, your family and your life. You will have to start a totally new life in a foreign country under duress. You will not be there by choice and homesickness and feelings of resentment could easily kick in and this could lead to a lot of fighting and bitter feelings.

Think long, think hard and don't do anything spur of the moment. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into doing anything. DNA testing will be absolutely critical here, to ensure that the baby is yours. This can be done before the birth via an amniocentesis or similar.

Good luck.

ABajaninCork

It's natural to have a feeling of panic, but you have to get a grip and think clearly. Is the lady definitely pregnant? Are you certain the child is yours?? I would make certain of those facts first. You'll probably need a DNA test after the child is born. But you must make absolutely certain first. And yes - you can't make her have an abortion. You'll have to be supportive, whatever choice she makes.

If you're planning on breaking it off with the French lady, then you must do so immediately. Tell her the truth. She deserves honesty from you. The same goes for your current girlfriend. She too deserves to know you may have a child with someone else.

If the French lady decides to keep the baby, you do know that you have a moral (not sure about French law, so can't comment) duty to financially support that child. Whatever part you physically decide to play in that child's life is up to you, but you have to take care of the child financially.

What's your relationship like with your parents? Can you confide in them??Is there a college counsellor you can talk to? You also need a spot of counselling to sort out your feelings, what you need to do and what you want.

Lastly - As you've clearly been having unprotected sex. You need to get yourself checked over for STI's. And for God's sake - if you aren't ready for/don't want kids? Use protection!

Good luck - it'll work out in the end.

username123

As far as I know child maintenance is enforceable across EU member states so she can seek child maintenance from you while she is in France. More info here: http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/eu_and_family_law.html#l10d0d

Talking about marriage after a one night stand is just silly however this girl, if not a scam, is likely to be scared, worried and just hoping for a good outcome. It's vital that you step up here and are honest with her. You have already been deceiving her by being with someone else while having FaceTime chats and promising to go to France. Does the new girl know that you are Facetiming a French girl? It is possible you will lose the new girl as this is a messy situation.

Tell the French girl the truth, and prepare for the worst, that she might go ahead with the baby without your emotional support, and take you to court for maintenance.

However, my spidey senses are tingling a bit. Someone who had a previous abortion not using protection on a one night stand and then talking about marriage? It could be a scam to frighten you into sending money to cover an abortion when there is no pregnancy in the first place.

Be wary. If a child does result insist on a paternity test before making any financial commitment. And get legal advice. You would need to engage a French solicitor if she takes a maintenance case in France. There was a thread here before about a guy who was taken to court in Poland re maintenance. A local solicitor would be vital.

JuliusCaesar

ABajaninCork wrote: »

If you're planning on breaking it off with the French lady, then you must do so immediately. Tell her the truth. She deserves honesty from you. The same goes for your current girlfriend. She too deserves to know you may have a child with someone else.

The sooner the better. Keep talking.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

If the French lady decides to keep the baby, you do know that you have a moral (not sure about French law, so can't comment) duty to financially support that child. Whatever part you physically decide to play in that child's life is up to you, but you have to take care of the child financially.

There are legal cross-border arrangements, so you will need to contribute. Talk with Treoir, the single-parent people for both men and women. They'll know the exact situation legally.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

What's your relationship like with your parents? Can you confide in them??Is there a college counsellor you can talk to? You also need a spot of counselling to sort out your feelings, what you need to do and what you want.

Lastly - As you've clearly been having unprotected sex. You need to get yourself checked over for STI's. And for God's sake - if you aren't ready for/don't want kids? Use protection!

Good luck - it'll work out in the end.

Ditto - good luck with it all. Keep the lines of communication open, be honest even if it's uncomfortable and get yourself support.

Tramps Like Us

Right so she has gotten pregnant after sleeping with someone she doesn't know (did you use protection?) and now wants that person, you, to emigrate to her country and marry her. Alarm bells!

You don't know if she actually is pregnant, or if the kid is yours.

What I would do is make it clear that you do not want to be in a relationship with her or to move to France but that you will send her money after a DNA test. Also that given the distance involved you're involvement in the childs life will be minimal. Might sound a bit harsh but better than letting her continue being deluded. I wouldnt tell her to get an abortion but I'd give the facts to her straight and then the ball is in her court as to what she wants to do.

swaner

Very tricky situation, you are not "bad" boy as you said, but you are a bit s****d. I don't want to insult you, but I really don't know how guys fail in such gold old traps even in 21st century. So let's go step by step, did you hear 'something' about protection in one night stands? It is not only about unwanted baby, it also about decease. If you are scared because of baby that mean you didn't used a condom (she told you c'mon baby, don't vary I am taking pills, right? First think is to run out from that scare, it just complicates situation when you need to take decisions, so look from this angle: you will maybe got a baby, but there is something worst you could get AIDS for example, I think this is good argumentation to look from another angle.

Now, there are 3 options:
- she is pregnant with you
- she is not pregnant but want to keep you (from this or that reason)
- she is pregnant with someone else, she want to keep baby and find father to raise child with

So, what would be best solution is to told her that you will raise after you do DNK after baby is born, if baby is your you will take responsibility. If she don't complain about this then baby is probably yours. When she gives a birth, do DNK matching just to be sure, if DNK says you are father than raise that baby with her and when baby become teeenager no mater is boy or girl, teach him/her to use protection when having one night stands, because i opposite case can get some STD or get baby with men/women he/she didn't know at all. just my $0.02, it is cruel but C'est la vie...

And forgot to say: what ever happens, say: thanks God, I could get AIDS or something I will never f**k without protection, I learned a lession

taytobreath

if what she is saying is true, and she decides to abort because you will not be with her, is this something you could live with?

This is just another situation you may find yourself having to deal with.. there are alot of decisions and answers you have to come up with. good luck

Idle Passerby

First of all you need to be completely honest with both girls immediately.
The new girl would be totally justified in dropping you like a hot potato down the line if you keep this from her at this stage.

It sounds like the French girl is taking your continued correspondence as an indication that there is still some ongoing romantic connection between the two of you. (as an aside, its not really just a one night stand if you continue to keep in touch with the person despite living in different countries.)

Be honest with everyone concerned to minimise potential complications down the line, because this may turn out to be a very complicated situation. On the other hand, she may not be pregnant at all. With either scenario, being upfront with both of them now will stand to you in the long term.

Matteroffact

wtfshouldido wrote: »

A large part of me thinks the situation is crazy and thinks it could be a big mistake to leave Ireland and my new girlfriend to raise a kid with a girl I don't know.

Am I a bad person for wanting her to have an abortion? Part of me feels I should go to France. I don't know what to do.

Please help me. Thank you.

It would be a big mistake to leave Ireland to be with this girl. You don't know her well enough for that and you should tell her this. Then it is up to her what she wants to do about it. The quicker you tell her the better.

Maura74

OP go with whatever feel is right for you. Only you know what is best for you. Talk to your parents and get their advice as well. You do not want to have any regrets later on in life.

Babooshka

wtfshouldido wrote: »

Please do not judge me so far, I know I have made some mistakes already.

The French girl has now told me she is pregnant. She wants to keep the baby and she wants me to move to France to help raise it with her. She is talking about marriage.
.

Hi, you haven't done that much to warrant being judged that harshly, but some protection wouldn't have gone amiss. I know this can happen even with protection but, well...did you even use any? Next time think before doing that. I would talk to the girl again before you go running to france, maybe she is panicked herself, or maybe she is a psycho who is trying to trap you into marriage, or maybe, maybe...you don't know as you don't really know her and all you're guilty of (even if you are) at most, is not thinking ahead and using protection but that's half her fault as well so there are two of you in it.

It doesn't have to be a case of leave and marry someone you may not even love, but it may come down to deciding how you're going to support what may be 50% your responsibility for the rest of your life, scary as that is....it does happen, people have done it in the past, and it doesn't ruin the rest of their lives (even though it may have felt it would at the time)

You're going to have to talk to someone here too, if not a parent if you can't do that then deffo someone a bit older who can give you the benefit of their years and give you some support, you need help and support to deal with all of this right now as I'm sure it seems overwhelming.

I'm sorry you're going through this at Christmas as it's meant to be a happy time and not one fraught with worry. First things first, fess up, talk to someone here you trust, talk to the girl, and see how best to go forward with this. And use protection next time, it's easily done (for all that people profess how much of a "miracle" a new life is....there are lots of unwanted kids around, none the less...)

By the way as an afterthought is there any way that this girl has sensed (via your social networking contacts) that there is another woman on the scene and could be playing you and being a bit of a bunny boiler here? Maybe not but you're going to have to try thinking of every scenario and then getting to the truth before you invest so much worry and feeling into something too....good luck.

username123

Maura74 wrote: »

You do not want to have any regrets later on in life.

+1

A marriage is a legal and moral contract, hard to get out of once entered into - and it would be madness to run off to marry someone you dont even know.

Big Bag of Chips

The Forum Charter stickied at the top of the forum has links for Crisis Pregnancies. These supports aren't only for women who find themselves pregnant. Men can also contact them and get advice. If the girl is pregnant, the situation is largely out of your control at the moment, as she has the final decision on whether or not you become a father. But you can speak with someone who can support you at this time, and point you in the right direction for any other advice or legal help you might need.

The_Conductor

OP- if the French lass decides to have the child, and to pursue you for maintenance through the courts (either French or Irish courts)- as both Ireland and France are party to the 1956 and 1973 Hague Conventions- you will almost certainly be obliged to support the child and pay for their education etc.

The European Commission have a special website detailing the maintenance obligations in different member states- the one applicable to France is here

Unfortunately you have gotten yourself into this situation- and come what may the French girl, if she is indeed pregnant, holds all the cards.

I'm not sure that I'd be rushing gung-ho into telling everyone everything- gather more information- confirm the pregnancy, and then make your mind up.

If the French girl has her baby- you are obligated to support her financially.

Note- the French recognise two separate tiers when calculating maintenance payments- the financial need of the maintenance creditor, and the financial means of the maintenance debtor. Sooo- a very rich person might be expected to provide a reasonable standard of living to their child- but not an oppulant standard. A poorer responder- might consider their obligations onerous- as its not based solely on their means to pay.

clairefontaine

The_Conductor wrote: »

OP- if the French lass decides to have the child, and to pursue you for maintenance through the courts (either French or Irish courts)- as both Ireland and France are party to the 1956 and 1973 Hague Conventions- you will almost certainly be obliged to support the child and pay for their education etc.

The European Commission have a special website detailing the maintenance obligations in different member states- the one applicable to France is here

Unfortunately you have gotten yourself into this situation- and come what may the French girl, if she is indeed pregnant, holds all the cards.

I'm not sure that I'd be rushing gung-ho into telling everyone everything- gather more information- confirm the pregnancy, and then make your mind up.

If the French girl has her baby- you are obligated to support her financially.

Note- the French recognise two separate tiers when calculating maintenance payments- the financial need of the maintenance creditor, and the financial means of the maintenance debtor. Sooo- a very rich person might be expected to provide a reasonable standard of living to their child- but not an oppulant standard. A poorer responder- might consider their obligations onerous- as its not based solely on their means to pay.

I'm not entirely sure children born out of wedlock in France are entitled to child support. They have some pretty funky laws around children, family, inheritance etc.

Either way, the reality is cross international borders child support is impossible to enforce. It's nearly impossible in Ireland anyway, within domestic borders.

OP I really don't know what to tell you, this is an impossible situation with no happy outcome for anyone. Whatever you decide to do, it's going to suck.

France is a highly patriarchal culture and growing up fatherless will have its stigmas for the child. I doubt you will move to France, and she has decided to keep the child. So what this means is, as time goes by you will have a child out there that you don't know, even of you visit once a month, the child probably won't know English and well...how is your French? Will you even be able to communicate with the child?

This happened a lot during ww 2 with American soldiers leaving British women pregnant and also during the British colonization of India with Indian women left pregnant. It's interesting to see documentaries with the adult products of these liaisons because then you can see the other sides of the consequences of one of the choices here.

You can expect your girlfriend to dump you. She might not, but you know even without your circumstances, love is fickle and tends to end eventually anyway. Girlfriends change, children are static. In other words your GF may not always be your GF but your child will always be your child.

Right now you are in shock understandably, so take a deep breath and for now let the shock wear off before you decide anything or say anything you might regret.

Maura74

username123 wrote: »

+1

A marriage is a legal and moral contract, hard to get out of once entered into - and it would be madness to run off to marry someone you dont even know.

There is no need to run away, if madam is having his baby they will have plenty of timeto get to know each other. There is no need to get married until they are sure off each others feelings. People can commit to each other without a binding contract.
OP should speak to his parents as the baby maybe there grandchild.