lonely

LegacyUser

Hey there.

so I'm a mid 30s guy, have a good job and get on well there. I've also met a girl recently and things seem to be going well there too.

The problem I have is that inside I'm desperately lonely and depressed about it. I don't have anyone in my life that I would consider a real friend. I have acquaintances and I get on with pretty much everyone that I meet, but no friends.

For example, my phone would never ring, I'd never get a text from a person. We were out with work one night and I was showing someone something on my phone and accidentally went into call/message history, it was empty and they all thought it was hilarious. I laughed it off about resetting my phone recently, but the fact is its true.

I had a very long term relationship that ended a couple of years ago, it had been going since college and I think that coupled with some bad experiences when I was younger have "damaged" my ability to get close to people as friends.

I have a habit of getting close with girls and ending up seeing them for a while, then realising that while I do like them, Im not in love with them. I think this is a direct result of me enjoying the attention and interaction with someone.

It often gets me down, but at this time of year I find it very hard. If I'm not in the office I might not interact with another human being for days.

I am in some clubs and playing 5-a-side and tag with people, but I feel like an outsider in those groups. Most of them are all old friends with each other from school and college and Im just a friend of a friend. They go out together and I wouldnt be invited.

I probably dont help things as I project a confident, happy air, maybe people dont think that I would be interested or need friends?
But I do. If I dont try to keep myself busy I get very sad and can just end up crying. Thats pretty hard to take at my age.

I'm terrified about how I bring this up with the girl I am seeing. How do you tell someone that you dont have any friends for her to meet? I'm pretty sure thats a big negative aspect to someones personality. She'll be off out and ask me what Im up to and I end up making excuses for staying in. I'd love to be going out with people.

I worry about stupid things like weddings. How can you have a wedding if the groom doesn't have anyone there?

I'm trying to make an effort to catch up with some old friends, but its hard.
Last friday I was supposed to meet someone but they had to cancel and I found it very, very difficult.

<Mod snip> I dont think I have anything to be depressed about really...plenty of people far, far worse off than I am, but yet I find myself thinking things like "who would notice if I wasnt here?"
Other than my mum and I guess my sisters I dont think it would make a big impact. Thats a pretty hard thing to face into.

I'd never actually do anything, I'm not suicidal, just get very sad and down when Im on my own, which is a lot.

Anyway, anyone have any advice on how I can turn some people I know into friends without coming across as a needy freak?

Happy Christmas.

Taltos

Hi OP.
Per our charter we cannot offer medical advice so no-one here can diagnose you, any who do risk an immediate ban. As a result I have snipped that section of your post that requests a certain response.

Taltos

LegacyUser

Op I know exactly what your talking about, it's very hard to be lonely at Christmas. I live on my own and also work pretty much alone but still interact with people through work. The Christmas break can be a very lonely time for some people.

I do have friends but not a huge amount and you don't always want to be up in their faces and being needy. Like you I often cry about it cos I never thought my life would end up like this.

If it's early days in the relationship then I wouldn't tell her any of this just enjoy the time you have with her. Why don't you ask someone from the tag or five aside to go for a pint after some evening. Slowly build up a social circle again. Say yes to any opportunity that presents itself to you so that you can have nights out and meet new people. Make contact with old friends, I've been doing the same myself as I don't want to spend the Christmas break alone and lonely.

I often think that no one will miss me if I was gone but the reality is I could never put my family and the people I love through that pain.

Keep the chin up and get out about ...

LegacyUser

Hey OP.

I hear you. I'm kind of in the same boat. I do have some friends that I would consider close, but they're all in relationships and doing their own thing and there's no way I'm going to burden them with my problems. From the outside, my life looks great, but inside I'm also terribly lonely.

I'm one of those who is actually dreading the Christmas break. I get most of my interaction in work and nobody has any idea that I have a whole pile of empty space to fill over the holidays. (Like you, my friends sometimes cancel meetings, not knowing that they were really important to me.) Thankfully, I'm spending Christmas with my mum, but, after that, I'm fecked. No plans for New Year.

I remember even thinking the same about weddings. How could I fill the seats?? I don't think we're alone in this at all - it just feels that way. Especially because everybody presents their best face. One of the people I know in work who seems to have it all is coping with a dying father this Christmas. They would probably swap positions with me in a heartbeat to have their dad well again.

All I want to say to you is you're not alone. Not even slightly. There are a lot of us in this situation. It was only reading PI here that I realised that - 'cause it's not something anybody is going to admit face to face.

Tramps Like Us

OP I used to be like you, I'd get on well with everyone but when I'd think about it I'd realise I didn't really have friends, only acquaintances but I'd get on very well with people. I think the same silly things about weddings, like that I have no one to be my best man

This is how you sort it, the people you get on well with in clubs, work or whatever, YOU HAVE TO ASK THEM TO DO THINGS if you want to make friends. Like the lads at football, just ask them if anyone is heading out at the weekend you fancy having a pint/watching the football or whatever. You have to take the initiative. Dont do it all serious like you are asking them on a date or something, but you have to force the issue. You will really quickly become one of the gang.

Good luck OP, remember, take the initiative, even saying "I'm doing x, wanna come?"

Dave!

OP who are the friends that you're "friend of a friend" (complicated!) to in the clubs? You might be able to work on those relationships and make them closer?

I can understand that feeling actually—I joined my sister's tag rugby team a couple of years ago, and never really became friends with the others on the team. They had mostly known each other for a long time before I joined.

I'd suggest that, rather than persisting with those clubs/teams, it's often better to join things as a complete stranger (where others don't know each other). This will make you feel more comfortable expressing yourself and unselfconsciously try to develop friendships. It can be a good environment to reinvent yourself, in a sense, if you want to.

Personally I've gone out of my way at times to not tell friends about classes I'm attending (if I think they might be interested themselves), because I'd rather do those kind of things alone.

I'm sure you'll find that in classes where nobody knows each other, most people are interested in the social aspect of it as much as the topic. Don't be afraid to suggest things either—going for a few drinks after next week's class, or whatever.

Btw if you have an interest in writing, these guys announced their dates for the new year. Not sure if you're in Dublin.
http://bigsmokewritingfactory.com/Courses.php

LegacyUser

As someone with both old and new friends, from what I read on here regularly, there is a preconception that just because people have friends, that they don't wnat to make new friends.

Granted, if I am out with my old school friends, I am catching up with them I wouldn't bring a new acquaintance along.

With my newer friends it's a different story. There's a nice casuality about it - everyone is welcome to join in. In the past, I did find this weird, but now I see it as a bunch of people getting together, some of whom I'll click with more than others. But, the more people you meet, the more of a chance you'll click with one or two - it's all percentages.

So, it's up to you to go and meet people who also want to meet new people (yes, there are many who are either too busy or are just happy enough with the friends they have).

And, the best types of groups are where you are interacting by hanging out rather than an hour of football (Where it's some lads only time away from the wife or they do it just for exercise). So think of maybe Kayaking, scuba, surf, walking etc lots of hanging out and activity too.

I joined a club that travel away at weekends a lot - it was a great way to meet new people. Most were in the same boat - they wanted to follow their hobby, and this group were mostly up for meeting people and making friends (ages from mid 20s to early 60s).

I felt like an outsider at first but that kind of outlook might always keep you as an outside looking in or looking at others thinking "how come they're getting on so well?" You kind of have to at times push yourself to organise things - sign people up as facebook friends, send a group message out saying "hey, thinking of heading walking this Saturday in Wicklow" (or whatever) and then see what happens. Sometimes it'll work, other times it won't but effort is needed.

I had one friend to hang out with 20 years ago... even up until 5 years ago, my friend list was limited to old work and school friends. By getting involved in various clubs and by being more chatty with people I didn't know, I have more good friends, more casual friends and a better social life... and I'm in my 40s so it's never too late.

(btw, I used to be very shy, socially inept and hated talking to people I didn't know - so there is hope for everyone).

ruaille buaille

Try Meetup.com. Its great for going out and making new friends.

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here.

Thanks for the replies everyone; especially those who have said they are in the same boat, it is nice to think that I'm not the only one with nothing to do.

I'm finding free time horrible to be honest. I just dont have anything to fill it. I've gone shopping pretty much every day since I've been off this year. That cant continue for many reasons, money being the obvious one.
I spend hours driving around in my car listening to the radio...its terribly sad really.

I cant count the number of afternoons I've spent over the last 2 weeks sitting on my own in some food court, or even in my car eating lunch or dinner on my own, listening to the radio or surfing on my phone.

I also dont know how to broach this with my girlfriend...she is extremely social, has hundreds of friends that she would see on a regular basis. This means lots of evenings where she is going out with the girls/guys and Im at home alone (we dont live together or anything, its a very new relationship)

Im going to try going to some meetup.com events this year...has anyone gone? Can you really just rock up on your own? It seems like most people who have signed up to something have a +1.

I am also going to try the approach of asking if any of the lads from football fancy going for a drink at the weekend..though I think that could be awkward as hell...since I'm pretty sure they all go out together.
Will try the same with guys from work, might be a similar issue.

Anyone got any other ideas or comments?

LegacyUser

Op, definitely ask the lads off the team to go for a drink after training or a match. Ask people from work also. Nothing ventured nothing gained as they say ! I know it's hard to ask because you fear that they will say no but if you don't ask them then why should they ask you!

You say your relationship is new and that your girlfriend has hundreds of friends so maybe if it works out you will integrate yourself into her social circle eventually and make some friends there also?

There's lots of us in the same boat, best of luck ,

ivytwine

Hey OP, even those of us with loads of pals have a bit of downtime. Take for example someone working in retail where the breaks are staggered; they won't have lunch the same time as their colleagues and will probably have to eat alone most shifts.

You're obviously not a total social reject, you have a girlfriend who loves you.

You do need to learn to be on your own I think. Start reading maybe? Honestly I couldn't wait to be on my own for 20 mins in work when I was reading the Hunger Games!

I think you should try the guys you play football with and your workmates. People assume that you've got your own plans and that you are not interested. You're even assuming it about them- they will prob love to have you along, they might want to get to know you better too!

Good luck OP