Performance Anxiety

LegacyUser

I met a girl about 6 weeks ago and things were/are going very well. Both taking it slowly enough and happy to do so.

So last night I stayed over for the first time. Things started downstairs and progressed to upstairs.
Except for one thing. Nada happening for me and my downstairs. In fact worse than nothing. I'm not small but was like I was in reverse last night. And of course thinking about it really helped matters. Even when downstairs I remember thinking..."hmm doesnt seem to be much happening"

A couple of times I did get hard when playing with her, to the point where we got a condom out but then zap! dead as a dodo.

Again in the morning same thing happened, got aroused when playing with her, desperately trying to relax and not think about things, but I found myself thinking "should I grab a condom quickly before this vanishes"? "how long is this going to last?" "is it going to vanish if she touches it, again?"

I'm gutted. I really like this girl and I know that for her a poor performance is a real no no. Normally I would say Im above average sexually (appetite wise) obviously I dont know about her too much yet, but I would say that she also has a high sex drive.

I had a bad experience before a few months ago with a ONS. Were both very drunk and while we were having fun junior wasn't partaking too much. She didnt take it too well, words like "is it supposed to be that floppy" were used. That feeling and reaction has really stuck with me. To the point where pretty much straight afterwards I started googling ED and also cut back on porn and masturbation.

If I'm honest, I was thinking about it again last night, hoping against hope that it wouldn't happen again, I'm sure that didnt help matters.

She asked me last night was there anything she should do to help and was I worried that we were compatible but I was pretty embarrassed and just said no, that I didnt know what was wrong and that I was embarrassed. I think she either got a bit annoyed or upset...there was definitely "a reaction" anyway. I tried to let her know that I really fancied her and that it was nothing to do with her, but I just felt so miserable about it.

This morning I was really mad with myself and was a bit distant...assuming the worst for the relationship. Later I just decided to "ignore" it and try and act normal and I think we had an ok morning. Earlier this afternoon I texted her and tried to explain about the incident in the past and again let her know that I really like her.

So this is a bit of a ramble and I'm not sure if I am just using this to get it off my chest but I guess I'm looking for any advice? I've read all the previous threads on here (and pretty much everything I can find online)

I dont believe its a physical issue, I can get an erection and maintain it when alone, in fact I woke up several times during the night with one (fat lot of use that was!) so Im guessing its psychological....performance anxiety.

So, any advice from fellow sufferers?
Any advice from any women on how I should best handle this with her?

Both in our mid 30's if thats relevant. Prior to the ONS attempt I had a relationship of a couple of months and it was very sexually active, so this is a real shock and a knock to my confidence.

TL;DR?

Boner malfunction, need advice on how to handle with "him" and how to handle with her.

Sauve

Mod

Hi OP,
I have moved your thread to here as I think this forum will give you better advice.
Best of luck,
Sauve.

LegacyUser

Hmm - anon mode won't let me post quotes so I'll just use these <arrows> ok!!

<So, any advice from fellow sufferers?>
It's actually common enough (apparently). Horrible feeling. And the worst part is when it happens you're all like 'oh fcuk it's happening again' and that makes it worse - you can't get out of your head!!

Personally? I overcame it by being lightening quick to get a condom on - as in I had it within arms reach at all times and when you're good to go you should be able to grab it and get it on quite literally in under five seconds. Practice that. Alternatively go to the doc and get some viagra prescribed. Once you get over your nerves you should be able to come off it again.

I would also suggest that if you are close enough to a girl to be having sex with her you should be close enough to be able to explain your case i.e. you really like her and sometimes you get the nerves in this situation because you want to please her or whatever. Alternatively you could lie and say it's the condom causing you to wilt - but i would recommend approach 1.

<I started googling ED and also cut back on porn and masturbation.>

Porn addiciton / overuse has been closely linked to psychological (as opposed to physiological) ED and regular partaking will increase your arousal / erection threshold.

Chara1001

It sounds anxiety related to me. I know it happens to most guys now and then- especially when they're on the beer- but I'd say it's just you're freaking out enough to sabotage yourself.

Calm down, take things slowly, it sounds as though you really like her- and if you do, maybe talk to her about it. Regarding her side- if you don't say anything, she's likely to think its her, so if i were you, i'd be open with her about it.

That girl you had the ONS with said something pretty nasty, and that was unfair and yeh, comments like that stay with a person, but just take your time, calm down, and your mojo will come back again.

Best of luck:)

ivytwine

That was really bitchy of the previous girl to say that to you and no wonder it knocked your confidence.

Relax, take your time, and try not to overthink, focus on her. You don't have to have full sex right away either, just take your time.

LegacyUser

Any reasonable women in their 30s will recognise it for what it is....nerves.

This happens lot of men at the start of a new relationship because they put too much pressure on themselves to be the best lover a girl has ever had!

Imo it's less like to happen with a one night stand cos a man doesn't over think it.

Any woman that comments negatively on something is a nasty cow or is very insecure/immature.

Tasden

Women know you're a man not a machine, we know these things happen. We also have our own issues to be dealing with in the bedroom too so we want to make you realise its OK, we get it, but we also don't want to offend you by making you discuss it if you'd rather ignore it. The girl probably doesn't see it as something to make an issue out of so is just forgetting about it and glossing over it- for both of you. If you feel it is an issue that needs to be discussed, which might alleviate the pressure and in turn "cure" it then just bring it up outside the bedroom when you see her and just discuss that its frustrating cause you're enjoying it but biology fails you, simple as that, and that you're hoping when you guys get more comfortable it'll settle down. No need to stress how its not to do with her cause it might seem a little like you're protesting too much if you get me? Just explain that nerves, pressure, previous experience has added to it and that you're enjoying the fun you do have so to just keep doing it til you reach a point where you feel confident.

The girl that made comments is probably insecure in herself if she feels the need to put someone down when they're in bed with her. It seems bizzare tbh.

GreeBo

As someone who experienced a bit of this before, I found it very hard to accept that women (in general) wouldnt have a big problem with it, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
The beginning is supposed to be the "at it like rabbits" stage, if thats not working out then all the "getting on" in the world probably isnt going to help the relationship last.

I'd talk to her openly (as possible!) about it. If she cant handle it like an adult then maybe its just not meant to be, harsh but life can be like that.

Its a good point Tasden made about not protesting too much though...I'd avoid the "of course I fancy you" approach...
just try to talk about it, away from the bedroom, the solution to the problem is that you feel more comfortable and under less pressure/stress to perform.

Removing the performance from the equation until it happens naturally (which it will) can help. I've no experience in the chemical route, but it does seem to work for some, though I'd have concerns about it becoming a crutch and just ignoring the mental problem.

As for the ONS, she probably took it personally and reacted to defend/protect her own feelings. With a ONS you dont have the emotional connection to work through these normal issues so it can be hard (if you'll pardon the terrible pun)

anotherposter

that happens to all men at one point or another... there are days when it just doesnt want to wake up. dont feel too bad about it

Mick Murdock

Has happened to the best of us..

I would also say that six weeks is a short time to have known each other. These things are generally much much easier when you are more comfortable together. Judging by your interactions and the fact that you're second guessing her reactions etc. it sounds like you don't know each other all that well yet (understandable). Personally, I would ask her to give you some time rather than putting yourself under pressure every time you meet, get to know each other better and it will all happen in time.

December2012

I'm female so I can't give you any physical advice or suggestions about your "Junior" (except that calling your penis a word that indicates anything small is probably not the most confident building).

But why if your erection goes is that the end of things? You have fingers? A mouth?

The attitude that some men have of "well my erection is gone therefore there's nothing else I'm going to do" is selfish I think.

Pleasure her with your mouth and fingers. Be a generous and considerate lover and give her orgasms. She will love it, you will feel like a top dog and become more confident in your sexual prowess.

The stress is broken, and you can work up to penetration again another time.

If you're giving her pleasure she'll be happy.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

I'm female so I can't give you any physical advice or suggestions about your "Junior" (except that calling your penis a word that indicates anything small is probably not the most confident building).

But why if your erection goes is that the end of things? You have fingers? A mouth?

The attitude that some men have of "well my erection is gone therefore there's nothing else I'm going to do" is selfish I think.

Pleasure her with your mouth and fingers. Be a generous and considerate lover and give her orgasms. She will love it, you will feel like a top dog and become more confident in your sexual prowess.

The stress is broken, and you can work up to penetration again another time.

If you're giving her pleasure she'll be happy.

Hey, OP again.

Firstly, to clarify, we do lots of things together in bed, it's not as if we try to have sex and then go to sleep when nothing happens. Even if we were having "proper" sex I would still be doing lots of foreplay... I happen to like it a lot, I think we would both really just prefer if there was sex at the end of it.

Anyway, so it happened again on new years eve. We spoke frankly about it and voiced our thoughts and fears. I think she is very concerned that we are not sexually compatible or that I don't find her attractive. Which is really ridiculous, I'm totally, head over heels, bat **** crazy about her and find her very attractive and sexy.
She said that she was surprised that it had happened again, I guess assuming that the first time was a once off. We talked more about how it was a confidence thing, that I'm thinking to much about it and sabotaging myself.

I mentioned some of the advice I've read about agreeing to not try to have sex, remove it from equation so remove the pressure, but she didn't really get that...her thinking is that we should be trying to address the problem by keeping trying. She also said that she finds it difficult to touch me now, because she doesn't get the reaction she expects and it's hurtful for her.

It's all so bloody ridiculous. We ended up having a fumbling, 16 (or maybe 80!) year olds, type sex. We had been kissing and other things for about 2 hours at this stage and were both very turned on, yet I'm still lying there only semi aroused. We tried anyway and succeeded, of a fashion, yet I lasted about 2 minutes. Which makes sense because I'd been effectively on the edge for the last hour...But why the hell are my bits not cooperating?! Hopefully we can build from that start, but I really feel that she is starting to lose patience, she has never experienced it before; I think she is taking it personally.

Frankly I'm usually a horny little bugger, I'm with a great girl whom I really like and dealing with this crap?

I'm seriously considering getting some Viagra or something, just to try to get over this. I really feel that if it happens successfully once, that will be it sorted.

I do make every effort to satisfy her in other ways, but we both really, really want to have sex with each other....

Jaysus that's a long post.

ivytwine

Honestly I think ye do need to take full sex off the menu for a while.

Ye are both putting yourselves under wayyyyy too much pressure here. Sex is supposed to be fun!

December2012

If normally everything else had previously been working ok but now it isn't, maybe you should go see a urologist to investigate any physical issues.

TwoGallants

OP,

Two hours of fumbling and playing around should have you grinding at the bit, gagging for it. The fact that you weren't suggests either a medical (ED) or psychological problem (performance anxiety). You say you can get erections of your own, but are they sustainable ones? In my experience, I can orgasm from masturbation in under a minute, it doesn't mean I'd necessarily be able to keep it going for sex! The penis is a complex organ, your brain is your most erogenous zone. Could it be a combination of physical and psychological issues? Porn induced erectile disorder is a growing problem for men under 30 who have been exposed to high speed hardcore pornography throughout their sexual lives.

I experienced some of the problems you mention but got over it by abstaining from pornography for over a year. Its incredibly humiliating but try to be honest with your partner. Cut out the **** and the porn use and I'm almost certain your appendage will begin to behave himself again! Goodluck!

no_limit

im currently going through an awful stint of insomnia due to a shoulder problem , the pain keeps me awake at night and I haven't slept right in more than two weeks so im constantly knackered , I cannot get it up at all , ive just begun a relationship and intend to buy some Viagra , no way im running the risk if spooking her right from the start

wellthatsjustgreat

wellthatsjustgreat wrote: »

I think we would both really just prefer if there was sex at the end of it.

It's ALL sex.

It's just not intercourse. I get what you mean though, but you should try change how you think about it. Try think of it as an extra or bonus, not the sole ultimate goal. Once that pressures off, you might feel less stressed.

LegacyUser

Fair point that its all "sex" but I think intercourse is (typically) the goal so its kinda obvious if you are ignoring it.

Anyway, we talked about it again last night. She again voiced her fears about going near me due to the lack of reaction, which I can really understand to be honest, it cant make her feel good, no matter what I say.

So we kept at it...for hours actually, enjoying each other in other ways to the point where we just really, really wanted to have sex, so that plan didn't work out too well.

So, with a little "manual intervention" we ended up having sex...and then again a few more times during the night and this morning, each time it required a helping hand to get going which isn't ideal, but other than that it seemed to be very good for both of us. One time things naturally started on their own, but she wasn't ready and by the time we had taken care of that I had apparently had too much time to think and things didn't happen, but we just ignored it and moved onto other things.

Sometimes during sex things would go a little softer than ideal, but concentrating on not thinking about it (which is very difficult!) and enjoying the moment got things back on track.

Anyway, hopefully the more this happens the less of an issue it becomes and naturally the anxiety goes away and things get back to normal. I'm also trying to do kegel type exercises as apparently it can help too.

Fingers crossed and thanks for all the advice and reassurance so far.

Sound Bite

I know it's easy for me to say but you are being way too hard on yourself.

It is very obvious she likes you as she's been patient and hasn't gone anywhere and is being supportive. Can you not see that?

Is she aware that you're "head over heels, bat **** crazy about her and find her very attractive and sexy". Surely that would reassure her. Maybe show her this tread and she will have a better understanding of how you feel and how frustrated you are too.


Relax and it will all work out