Why does this hurt so much?

LegacyUser

Had a falling out with three friends last year. After the falling out I deleted my facebook just to get a bit of space from it all. I was off it for almost a year. In that time i contacted them both wishing them a happy birthday. I got a reply off both saying thanks and it was appreciated. My birthday came around a few weeks later after theirs and i got nothing. Got over it anyway and while later reactivated my facebook to keep in touch with home because i moved away to the UK for a while (they knew this was happening before the fall out). When i reactivated it they were still on my friends list. Few weeks later anyway I noticed one had deleted me. Shortly after her family (brothers and sisters) did too. I had heard that one of them was pregnant. Then heard she had her baby. The day she had the baby she deleted me too. One remains as my friend, for now.

I realise this is all sounding very childish and petty and i agree it is. But its bothering me greatly because why delete me? Why delete me after having a baby? Im in no way a physical threat or anything to anyone, im very shy and quiet and keep to myself but i feel like they think im evil or something to delete me so i cant see photos of a baby(not that id particularly be looking). All my family and my husband remain friends with them all so if i was that eager to see their pages it wouldnt be very difficult. Any insight into why girls would do this would be appreciated?

username123

I think you are reading way too much into it. People clean up their Facebook friend lists all the time. If you are someone who dwells so deeply on it, then it would probably be better for you if you didn't use social media. Some people just don't get it and think it's real life. A friend on a Facebook list means nothing. It's not real life. The term "friends" on Facebook is misleading. It's just electronic connections with people, not to be taken too seriously.

You say you had a falling out and deleted your Facebook. Seems like it's ok for you to do what you like on Facebook but not them?

It's pretty clear these people are not real friends anymore so who cares what they do on Facebook? Are you are looking for a stick to beat your own back with?


I think you'd be better off giving social media a miss and getting out in the world and concentrating on actual friendships rather than perceived slights from tenuous electronic connections.

judgefudge

Hey OP, I recently deleted a bunch of people off Facebook. I do it every 6 months or so. They wouldn't be strangers either, but more likely people that I haven't seen in a long time and I'm unlikely to see any time soon. I like to use my Facebook for just good friends and family. Maybe they are the same. You said it's been a year since you've fallen out and one of them has had a baby, which you only heard about through someone else? It doesn't sound like you are close friends.

Don't worry about it. Everyone has deleted people, and everyone has been deleted by someone at some stage on Facebook. If you're this upset about it you either place too much emphasis on social media in general, or you are still feeling quite hurt over the broken friendship. It sounds like it's the latter. If you have tried to mend it and they aren't interested sometimes it's best to accept that and look after yourself.

username123

username123 wrote: »

I think you are reading way too much into it. People clean up their Facebook friend lists all the time. If you are someone who dwells so deeply on it, then it would probably be better for you if you didn't use social media. Some people just don't get it and think it's real life. A friend on a Facebook list means nothing. It's not real life. The term "friends" on Facebook is misleading. It's just electronic connections with people, not to be taken too seriously.

You say you had a falling out and deleted your Facebook. Seems like it's ok for you to do what you like on Facebook but not them?

It's pretty clear these people are not real friends anymore so who cares what they do on Facebook? Are you are looking for a stick to beat your own back with?


I think you'd be better off giving social media a miss and getting out in the world and concentrating on actual friendships rather than perceived slights from tenuous electronic connections.

I don't agree with this at all and never understand this viewpoint. Facebook IS real life. It's how most people now keep in touch with friends. Deleting someone from Facebook basically means that you don't consider the person a friend and do not want to be in contact with them anymore. No, not a big deal if it's someone you knew in primary school and haven't seen since, but if it's someone meant to be a longstanding friend, it's weird. If they wrote back to her birthday message and said they appreciated it, it seems like they were happy for her to get in touch, but now apparently they're not.

Deleting your entire Facebook is very different to deleting specific people off it. By deleting someone, you are sending the message that you don't want to be in touch with them anymore. This is what the OP is upset about. She clearly thought the falling out had been forgotten and things were grand now, but was wrong. These girls and their families have decided they don't want to be in touch with her anymore. For all of them to have deleted her around the same time means that something has been said about her. No, not the end of the world, but why pretend it didn't mean anything when it clearly did?

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies everyone

While I wouldnt really care that someone deleted me from facebook if it was one random person, someone from primary school, or used to work with or whatever the fact that friend 1 and her bro and sister and then friend 2 and her husband deleted me within maybe three weeks there must be more to it. They could of deleted me while my page was inactive and my page was sat there idle and didnt.

username123

Vivian Full Silverware wrote: »

I don't agree with this at all and never understand this viewpoint. Facebook IS real life. It's how most people now keep in touch with friends. Deleting someone from Facebook basically means that you don't consider the person a friend and do not want to be in contact with them anymore. No, not a big deal if it's someone you knew in primary school and haven't seen since, but if it's someone meant to be a longstanding friend, it's weird. If they wrote back to her birthday message and said they appreciated it, it seems like they were happy for her to get in touch, but now apparently they're not.

Deleting your entire Facebook is very different to deleting specific people off it. By deleting someone, you are sending the message that you don't want to be in touch with them anymore. This is what the OP is upset about. She clearly thought the falling out had been forgotten and things were grand now, but was wrong. These girls and their families have decided they don't want to be in touch with her anymore. For all of them to have deleted her around the same time means that something has been said about her. No, not the end of the world, but why pretend it didn't mean anything when it clearly did?

Facebook is not real life and anyone who thinks it is needs to get out more and physically interact with people! I have many friends who don't even have Facebook accounts. Certainly I don't know anyone who considers it the same as real life. I'm friends with dozens of people on Facebook who I have no relationship with in real life, ex work colleagues, ex school mates, etc. I frequently delete people who I barely even know on Facebook, it means nothing except I don't want my newsfeed cluttered up with stuff from the lives of people I don't know or care about.

If Facebook was the same as real life then surely we would only have friend lists of a couple of dozen people. I know people on Facebook who have friend lists of thousands, you can't be seriously considering that all those people are really their friends? That's just silly.

Where does the OP say that she thought things were grand after the falling out? As far as I can tell, they fell out, OP deleted her Facebook account sent birthday wishes that were thanked but not reciprocated, heard one was pregnant, had a baby, saw she was deleted on Facebook. It reads more to me like things never got back on track after the falling out?

I'd also question how the OP even knows she was deleted on Facebook? It doesn't tell you, but there are apps that tell you as I have had the pleasure of an extremely paranoid weirdo sending some odd abuse to me because I deleted him on Facebook. People who are affected by something like that shouldn't use social media at all tbh, let alone have apps that help them be more paranoid!

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

I'd also question how the OP even knows she was deleted on Facebook? It doesn't tell you, but there are apps that tell you as I have had the pleasure of an extremely paranoid weirdo sending some odd abuse to me because I deleted him on Facebook. People who are affected by something like that shouldn't use social media at all tbh, let alone have apps that help them be more paranoid!

as they are people who update regularly i just noticed that they were missing from my newsfeed.

facebook been like real life or not doesnt anyone think it is a bit odd that they all deleted me around the same time as well as their families/husbands. To me is looks like something had been said. I hate to think anyone is saying something about me that isnt true because i definetly didnt do anything in particular around this time to offend anyone.

I understand people think this is a petty childish issue its just bothering me is all

username123

Well people talk to their family and husbands. It's not really that surprising. Maybe the girl who had the baby specifically asked for people to clean up their Facebook friends because she wanted to share baby pics or something? Maybe they also deleted lots of other people too? Maybe they were hurt as you are now when you disappeared off Facebook? They might have thought you deleted them back then?

Why worry about it at all, they're not your friends now and have not been for some time. Who cares what they say? Concentrate on people who are your friends, not ex friends, life is too short.

Faith

confusedfeelings wrote: »

They could of deleted me while my page was inactive and my page was sat there idle and didnt.

I'm actually not sure they could have. I remember encountering difficulty when I tried to delete an inactive account from my friends list before.

swaner

I think nothing wrong with you, you are just "over-analyzing" things, this is just coincidence if you ask me...

cloudatlas

Well facebook is a sort of 'representation' of relationships. Usually facebook connections are the last communication link to go after you decide you want nothing more to do with someone. If you haven't spoken to them for quite some time their actions are perfectly reasonable... you did cut them out of your life first.

I doubt they think you're an evil person, sounds too extreme. However I think it was a spiteful action on their part seeing as they are blocking you from seeing updates of a big event in their life. One can only assume that they never got over the initial break up of the friendship and harbored it deep down all this time.

Do you really want to be in touch with someone who remains bitter for such a long time and deals with it in such a childish way? I suggest your first instincts to end the friendship were correct and you should just try and forget about this group of 'friends'.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the comments. I dont really think they deleted me down to cleaning up their friends list as they didnt delete my family or other half. I dont see what the point in keeping my other half who they barely knew would of been. Surely cleaning up the list real strangers wud of gone also. Another friend suggested that when they seen i was getting on with my life without them that they deleted me . Guess ill never know

Babooshka

Confusedfeelings wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the comments. I dont really think they deleted me down to cleaning up their friends list as they didnt delete my family or other half. I dont see what the point in keeping my other half who they barely knew would of been. Surely cleaning up the list real strangers wud of gone also. Another friend suggested that when they seen i was getting on with my life without them that they deleted me . Guess ill never know

You began your post by saying you had a falling out with them, and then you deleted your facebook. It sounds to me like they are retaliating for what they perceive as you having a tantrum after you had a row with them. Nobody can answer this except you, you know in your heart if what you did at the beginning was silly and you acted out of spite by doing it and now regret it....it's no big issue if you did, we all do stuff we regret. The bottom line is if these people meant that much to you then call them one by one and try to sort it out. Focus less on the FB part and more on the people themselves and what you can do to fix it (or if indeed it's worth fixing, if they are not playing ball I wouldn't demean myself..are/were they good friends all along? If someone I considered a good friend had a baby I'd be up to their house with a present for said baby regardless of any misunderstandings on Facebook, being there physically is far more important) . Good luck.

GalwayGuy2

Honestly, I think your just over-analyzing things. I wonder, would it be rude if I asked whether you analyze things like this in real life as well as on the internet.

Im in no way a physical threat or anything to anyone, im very shy and quiet and keep to myself but i feel like they think im evil or something to delete me so i cant see photos of a baby(not that id particularly be looking).

If it's any consolation, that's the least likely reason for deleting someone who they know.

Also, if that is the reason, then the problems with them and not you.