Family Issue

JD1990

Hey all,

So myself & my sibling have both stumbled on something that could ultimately destroy my family.

We're both adults, I still live at home & go to college. We think my Mother is having some sort of affair/dealings with someone else. Our evidence is fairly low at the moment.

I wont go into too many details (internet & all) but although our evidence is low, tonight was a sort of turning point, because my sibling mentioned that from viewing my Mother's emails, she had sent a picture of herself posing (fully dressed mind you) to some email with '1989' at the end of the email ID (from Months back)..... I've noticed my mother talking on the phone in the room below mine late at night while my Dad's asleep (she would ask for me to head upstairs early enough at night quite a bit... 'why should I?' I ask.... apparently I'm led to believe I'm 'tired'- BS!!!). I've also seen her old mobile out on show before (& I would see her old phone's charger stuck in the wall socket at times- no one in my house has a phone by this brand anymore). So I know she's using a separate phone for something secretive- & it's not drugs, this ain't an episode of Breaking Bad. We're going to very vigilant & unfortunately sneaky about trying to find more info now.

I personally think she's on some sort of dating site & speaking to someone for comfort. My Dad is in no way a bad man. He's just getting older, not the romantic type, he's getting a lot more religious which we're not enjoying all that much, & she does bitch about him to me a fair bit, & he can be very misunderstanding about things a lot (stubborn I should say).... But he's the best!

Any way, we're not going to say anything to our Mother until we're able to gather more evidence (seeing can we find the phone, & also thinking of somehow recording her in the room below one night). But when we do talk (& when our evidence is strong), I don't know can I let my Dad know. It could split the family. I feel like I might give her the chance to put a stop to whatever it might be.... I'm really just feeling absolutely f'd up over this whole situation. Please, advice, or thoughts. I can't be revealing too much about it sorry.

Littlelulu13

I honestly don't think its your place to snoop through emails, phones or set up something to record her regardless of what you suspect she is doing. Others may disagree with me but thats my opinion anyway.

The fact that she gives out about your dad to you isn't good. The relationship may not be working and she is possibly going outside to fulfill her emotional needs. It might be just a case of wanting to feel needed or have a bit of attention on her. There might not be anything else to it.

Its hard to advise with limited details but I totally respect that you have to keep them limited.

This could be off the wall but there was a programme on channel 4 before about those chatline girls and they were just regular people sitting home receiving calls and having the dirty conversations (at times they permitted). If you watch the programme (its on the 4od website) and see how casual the process was you would realise that ANYBODY could be doing it and you really wouldn't know. It could be something silly like that.

Anyway i really wouldn't snoop. How would you or your sibling feel if she suspected ye were up to no good and went through your phone, emails and recorded your conversations.

I'm sure your dad knows better than both of you combined if something is going on. Remember they have a different type of relationship.

The whole thing could be one big charade for the sake of the family. I know of a marriage that was over for 10 years and we never knew or suspected a thing. They still lived together an carried on as normal on the exterior for the sake of the family.

dori_dormer

To be honest, and Im sorry, but I really dont think its much of your business. Shes a grown woman in her own relationship with your Dad. I know its hurtful because they are your parents and it would be horrible for you an your sister if they separated but its their relationship and therefore their business.

Her emails and her phone calls are private and personal - dont under any circumstances go snooping. If your dad is changing and becoming more difficult, she could well be looking elsewhere for love / attention ( or not as the case may be). Maybe you and her could sit down and talk about your Dad or the home dynamic changing in a general sense to see where shes at. Maybe she feels she has to pretend to keep up appearances for you as you are still living at home? I know lots of parents feel this way. Mine didnt and Im glad. They were honest, said they were unhappy, and seperated. But thats a bit off topic.

In short, respect your mothers privacy and decisions as an adult. If your Dad suspects something he can confront her as her husband. You have very little evidence and any way to get more would be wrong.

Merkin

Can't really expand on the excellent advice above.

You and your brother, while meaning well, are obviously very young. Snooping to the extent of entrapping and recording your mother is a BAD idea and one you need to avoid at your peril.There's a good chance that it could have negative repercussions that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

JD1990

Thanks for the responses & I also respect your views.

Just to point out, The email was seen by accident (we knowingly have access to her account anyway). My other sibling isn't that young, & living their own life. My Father is clueless, he barely knows how a mobile works, doesn't use one, & we know by the type of person he is, that he would never think of something like this. Their relationship has always been an odd one. I don't think it's a charade either to be honest (wont really go into that one). That chatline thing had crossed my mind too.

And to Dori, it is very much so my business. The lies are very much affecting us (again, can't go into it, but there have been clear lies toward us). This will affect me, because it could mess with my college education, living situation, & so much more depending on the outcome. It's not going to leave our minds until we know from her whatever it is, is going on (it's too much of a burden to be living with). I respect that if she's not into the relationship anymore, then that is definitely her own choice, but the deceitfulness is wrong.

The recording idea is more for us to have the incentive to talk to her about this, not to use against her, we don't want her to know at all that we had ever recorded her (there's other pieces of evidence we have including that email, that would hopefully open her up to us). It's not that we think she's a horrible person for this, it's that there's clearly a problem, & it has to be resolved sooner than later before it could go too far & it could end up making my Father into a complete fool. It's not really crossed our minds to say it to him, because it's not our place & it must come from her whatever it is.

CaraMay

So what you are saying is that you are going all this because it may impact on your own future.

JD1990

Never said that at all. I just stated the outcome could affect it.

CaraMay

JD1990 wrote: »

Never said that at all. I just stated the outcome could affect it.

You are way out of line. Talking about recording your mother without her permission, checking her mails etc

It's not your business

dori_dormer

JD1990 wrote: »

And to Dori, it is very much so my business. The lies are very much affecting us (again, can't go into it, but there have been clear lies toward us). This will affect me, because it could mess with my college education, living situation, & so much more depending on the outcome. It's not going to leave our minds until we know from her whatever it is, is going on (it's too much of a burden to be living with). I respect that if she's not into the relationship anymore, then that is definitely her own choice, but the deceitfulness is wrong.
.

Thats what I was trying to get across. That their relationship is none of your business, but the family dynamic is. Thats why I suggested you have an open honest conversation about life in the house in general, rather than confront her about her potential secret keeping from your Dad. Im not saying it doesnt affect you, of course it does, you have a vested interest in both of their happiness's as they do in ours.

Maybe my advice didnt come accross right being typed and all that. Sorry

Merkin

You blatantly state that 'this has to be resolved sooner than later' and you're obviously taking it upon yourself to do so. Do you have any idea how naive you're being? This isn't a game of Cluedo you know, getting involved will have far reaching repercussions for all involved.You're obviously young and clueless but I can't believe that your older and mature sibling is actually complicit in all of this.

Chattastrophe!

If you're concerned about the impact a potential break-up could have on your education and living prospects, the solution would be to take responsibility for these things yourself - by moving out and becoming fully self-sufficient.

I do realise that this is, in some cases, easier said than done. But just because you're still living in your parents' house does not give you the right to snoop into their personal business, and then try to justify it by claiming it might have an impact on you.

My advice is - it's absolutely none of your business, so stop interfering. Give your parents the same level of respect that you would expect from them, when it comes to your personal and private business.

jdsk2006

I know how it feels to be aware that your parents relationship is fast going down the swanny, i think a lot of posters here have given ya excellent advice but its hard to dismiss something this big happening to your little family unit and no matter where you are in life its life- altering and defining.

I think you need to find out what your mum is feeling. Approach her in a sincere, supportive way and maybe she will open up to ye.......this could be a very horrific time for you mum emotionally and no point you adding to it

Big Bag of Chips

You need to also consider the option that your mam and dad have an "understanding". You say their relationship is a bit odd anyway - so maybe they have reached an agreement that they are living together in the same house, but free to do what they like. Maybe it is unspoken between them? Who knows? I know of a woman who was having an open affair for years. Her and her husband still lived together (separate rooms) had 3 teenagers, and were effectively still married, but she would go away for weekends with the other man. Her kids didn't know about it - but I'm guessing her husband did.. we all did, anyway!

She/they probably wouldn't discuss it with you even if you asked directly - parents don't really like discussing their sex/personal lives with their children.

username123

It's none of your business, stay out of it. Stop snooping on your mother, it's horribly disrespectful.

What do you think the outcome of all your deceitful behaviour would lead to? You causing a massive family problem, that what. You are the person who would then be reponsible for blowing apart your family, you. Not your mother.

You need to have a think about boundaries and privacy and respect. It will not be appreciated as you go through life if you are so disrespectful to the personal lives of others.

Dilynnio

I am going through something similar. Stay well clear. You are the one who is going to end up being hurt and losing so much more than your parents.

Take the advice on here.

MJT

OP, I have been in the exact situation with my parents, they too had an odd relationship and I discovered an affair. In my naivety as a youngster I took it upon myself to solve the marriage and is a regret I have to live with for the rest of my life, as now that trust is broken. I ruined the whole family dynamic over this and I learned a lot.
Yes, you are a family, but their marriage is separate and frankly none of your business. Just because they are your parents does not give you any right to snoop, just like they don't have any rights to snoop into your relationships.
Your parents are far older and wiser than you and are no fools, they can figure it out for themselves. They don't need a college kid to help them.
I wasn't going on a hunch, i was going on hard core evidence and although I was right, it solved no problems, but created many.
Op this has nothing to do with you, I'm warning you now to back off..it is not your place. You will regret it.

thegreatgonzo

I think it's odd how you and your sister have jumped to this conclusion with such little evidence. Your mother could be going through a difficult time but instead of asking her how she is or if she is happy or has any worries the two of you are behaving in a very sneaky and childish way. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

Beruthiel

JD1990 wrote: »

viewing my Mother's emails

Any way, we're not going to say anything to our Mother until we're able to gather more evidence (seeing can we find the phone, & also thinking of somehow recording her in the room below one night)

I find it shocking you went through her private e-mails.
If my 25 year old daughter thought she could interfere in my life to the above extent, there would be war.
My child has no business in my affairs - be they moral or immoral.

Your parents are adults, this relationship, be it good or bad, is their relationship and you should not get involved in it.
No matter what you do, it will not go the way you planned it in your head and your interference could create an almighty mess that could possibly have worked itself out in the end.

My suggestion to you would be to stop spying on your mother.
If you cannot do that, move out and get on with your life.

she does bitch about him to me a fair bit

Next time she does that, tell her to stop.
Tell her that he is your father and you are uncomfortable with her complaining about him to you all the time.

dafunk

JD1990 wrote: »

And to Dori, it is very much so my business. The lies are very much affecting us (again, can't go into it, but there have been clear lies toward us). This will affect me, because it could mess with my college education, living situation, & so much more depending on the outcome. It's not going to leave our minds until we know from her whatever it is, is going on (it's too much of a burden to be living with). I respect that if she's not into the relationship anymore, then that is definitely her own choice, but the deceitfulness is wrong.

The only way this is going to affect you is by doing what you're doing.

LEAVE WELL ALONE.

What you are doing will result in a major eruption that will have negative affects on your family.

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Your mother's sex life / private life / business life ... whatever is is, is hers, and is nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you.

If you're that much of an adult why are you living with your parents?

My advice, grow up, concentrate on your own life and for goodness sake take responsibility for your own actions, that starts with being an independent individual.