STILL not over ex - way too long

LegacyUser

Myself and my ex broke up about a year and a half ago. It was my decision, but it wasn't an easy one. Basically, the cliche, we wanted different things. We had been together for just over three years and whilst we certainly had our arguments, they were usually just over one issue, but I loved him to his bones from the beginning and he felt the same about me.

After we broke up, I went on a bit of a mad one. Out almost every night, went on holidays, dropped down to far too thin 'cause I just had no interest in eating. Very unhealthy.

I stabilised after a few months, but I always said I'd give myself a year of being single, which I really enjoyed. If I did meet somebody I was mad into, well and good, but I wasn't about to go looking.

Well the year is well and truly over and I would actually love to be in a relationship again. I have met plenty of guys, but as soon as they start getting too interested, I run a mile. None of them give me that spark and I don't know if I'm just trying to protect myself in some weird way from getting into a situation where I could be hurt so badly again, or what it is.

Then the ex. We'd be on friendly terms now - as in, if we were to bump into each other in the street some day we'd hug and go for a coffee. Both myself and himself are guilty of sending the very occasional text (every few months) if we see something funny that reminds us of each other (we had about a million in-jokes that wouldn't mean a tap to anybody else).

I thought our last text exchange would be the final one. For once, I ended the conversation 'cause it was just too hard because every text brought him back into my mind - and it's crazy just how much that hurts even now. Then I get a long text yesterday from him full of fking memories. Now, it was a really funny story and so relevant to us, but there is no us anymore??? I replied in the same vein (I'm always like this - can't wait to reply, whereas he mightn't have his phone on him most of the day). But fk me. Talk about reopening wounds that really weren't that closed to begin with. It doesn't help that this time of year is particularly hard. Our Christmases were always amazing when we could just spend so much time together without work getting in the way, and I'm a bit down already 'cause I really didn't expect to be in this situation for a second year.

I made up my mind last night that I was going to send him a text today telling him I miss him. But I don't know now what that's going to do. The issue we had that led to us breaking up is still there. I really, really don't know if it's something that could be worked out. But, it's true. I miss him today as much as I did the day we broke up.

Just not really sure what to do at all.

Victoria Fortescue

Whatever this issue is, it sounds like it was a deal-breaker for you. It's not really for any of us to decide what is and isn't right for you, and if it is something that would make you unhappy in the long term you're better off leaving things as they are.

However, if you feel that you can meet half way on the issue or come to some sort of a resolution then I say go for it. Try to come to a decision sooner rather than later, while he is still single.

beks101

"We wanted different things" - is this still the case? Do you still want the thing you wanted then that drove you to make the decision to leave the man you loved? Will it still be a cause for argument and frustration, once the loneliness and the novelty of being back together subsides?

These are important questions. You obviously still have strong feelings for the guy, that may be because you still love him or because you haven't found someone else to take his place yet. Love is hard, but you have to decide what you're willing to sacrifice for it. Your happiness and future plans? Could you really work again as a couple, given that you pulled the plug, which might have provoked trust issues in him, and that you did it for very valid reasons, which most likely still hold.

Try to put the emotions and the acute loneliness you're bound to feel at this time of year aside and try to think with your head. It's very important that you do. And it's important that you quit the text banter and the in-jokes and the trips down memory road, if you want to give yourself a chance to move on.

LegacyUser

It probably is still the case, but it's something that I would be willing to talk about - although I'm not sure what compromise would be made (this isn't a children or no children thing - it's a bit more specific but I can't really get into it).

I have no idea what he wants. I sent him the miss you text anyway earlier. No response. It's fairly annoying because I don't understand why he texts and runs as he does. Why send the thing in the first place?

(I know this texting thing sounds so childish - we're not normally, but this is just a weird, eggshell, situation.)

Big Bag of Chips

Really?Still??? wrote: »

I sent him the miss you text anyway earlier. No response. It's fairly annoying because I don't understand why he texts and runs as he does.

You don't know what he's thinking. He might have just seen something that reminded him of things you had done, and sent you the text. Have you any indication that he is "waiting" for you? Has he ever asked you to get back with him? Sending you a text with memories of things you had done together doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be with you. He might be now in a place where he can look back fondly on things, without wishing you were still together.

You do realise that it's been a year. There is a huge chance that he has gotten over you and moved on, whereas you're still hanging on to the past with him. If you want to know where you stand, then you need to be up front and ask him straight out. He may not have seen your text yet. It's the Saturday before Christmas, he could be out. He coud be half drunk. He could have seen it and felt awkward because he doesn't miss you, and thinks he has given you false hope by sending the text so doesn't know how to reply. He could be thinking that you are messing with him...

You have no idea of what is going on in his head. And the only way to get some idea is by being straight. Tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels. If it ends up that he doesn't feel in a place to rekindle a relationship, then you have to agree to no contact. Because it is only confusing everything.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You don't know what he's thinking. He might have just seen something that reminded him of things you had done, and sent you the text. Have you any indication that he is "waiting" for you? Has he ever asked you to get back with him? Sending you a text with memories of things you had done together doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be with you. He might be now in a place where he can look back fondly on things, without wishing you were still together.

I agree absolutely. There's absolutely no way that he's "waiting" on me, and I'd hate to think that he was. I completely understand that people are complicated, and I'm not trying to read intentions where there aren't any.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You do realise that it's been a year. There is a huge chance that he has gotten over you and moved on, whereas you're still hanging on to the past with him.

I know. And by and large, our stuff is in the past and we're done and I've gone months without this kind of thinking. It's just that texts like this bring everything back - and it's bad for the auld closure.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you want to know where you stand, then you need to be up front and ask him straight out. He may not have seen your text yet. It's the Saturday before Christmas, he could be out. He coud be half drunk. He could have seen it and felt awkward because he doesn't miss you, and thinks he has given you false hope by sending the text so doesn't know how to reply. He could be thinking that you are messing with him...

You have no idea of what is going on in his head. And the only way to get some idea is by being straight. Tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels. If it ends up that he doesn't feel in a place to rekindle a relationship, then you have to agree to no contact. Because it is only confusing everything.

I hear you.

Ahhhhh - just headwrecked.