Temporary break from longterm relationship

LegacyUser

Hi, as the title says I'm thinking about taking a break from my relationship. I'm with my partner for 10 years. I'm starting to feel a bit claustrophobic (if that's the right word) in my relationship and I'm wondering if taking a break from us for awhile would be a good idea. Does anyone else have experience with taking a temporary break, and how did it work out?

We've been with each other for almost all of our 20's and we're both each others first serious relationship. I feel like things are getting a bit stale from my side, and small things are beginning to irritate me. He doesn't show any signs of thinking the way I'm thinking and I'm sure if I brought up the idea of a break he'd be very surprised. I feel like I'm not growing as a person (sorry I don't know how to phrase that without sounding like a cliché!) and I've been the same me for the last 10 years or so. I fantasise about travelling around the world on my own and meeting new people and having great life experiences. And I thinking Id need to be away from him to really come out of my shell. I'm sure its just a fantasy but I can't help but feeling like if I wasn't with him I'm be a exciting person.

Things that are irritating me are small things like he's constantly in my space, hugging me, hands on my bum (not in public!), rubbing my face etc. and I'm constantly snapping at him to give me some peace. And other larger things like the face that he's not very spontaneous or adventurous - I've always wanted to travel, and next year we're planning on taking a year off work and living abroad. Now he's said to me that he wants to do this and he committed to going but in my hearts or hearts I know he's only doing this to satisfy me, and really he'd prefer to stay at home and continue with his normal day to day routine.

The reason I'm thinking about taking a break and just ending the relationship is because I love him and I know in my head that we're perfect together. But I also think that because he's all I know I've nothing to compare this relationship with. I'm not necessarily looking to have anything romantic with anyone else while on a break but I'm just curious to see what kind of person I'd be on my own. Like would I come out of my shell.

Is this all just a fantasy idea? I don't want to hurt him just to satisfy a stupid fantasy. My head is telling me that I'll go on a break and realise I'm just the same (boring) person without him. Any opinions welcome.

Apologies, this post was longer than I expected.

jdsk2006

The heart wants what the heart wants. If you don't take a leap then can you honestly supress all those feelings and carry on in the relationship?

Beware of grass is greener syndrome also!

R.D. aka MR.D

I've been on the other side of this. My OH felt that he wanted a break and to be away from me etc.

I let him go and he came back and is more committed now and really tries hard. he realised after he left what he had with me. As the other poster said, it was definitely a case of the grass is greener.

However, I'm a fairly forgiving person and i could have gone the other way when he asked me to come back to him. He took the risk of letting me go and it worked and has made our relationship better but on the other hand it could have blown up in his face!

GreeBo

I took a break from a relationship of slightly longer and ended up never getting back together.

It's impossible to know what will happen after you break up.

I too did it because I was the same person I had been when we met.

Be warned though, being alone after that amount of time is very different and takes some getting used to.
Also you are likely to be breaking someone's heart.

Tasden

Yeah tbh as someone who was broken up with basically in the guise of "taking a break" he may feel you're just looking to take a break, see what's out there and if nothing better comes along going back to him. In my case he came back but only after the relationship was ruined- now a lot of that was down to him just being a horrible person and not dealing with things properly and going off the rails basically, not the break per se, so I didn't want anything to do with him despite his pleading and whatnot.

It kind of also depends on what you define as a "break".
Like do you have a time frame or just seeing how long it takes to sort your head out? Because for you it will be wanted space, for him every day is a new day waiting to know if the person he loves wants him or not, which is horrible. Will you be allowed see other people? If you
want a break from him then both of you will be lacking any intimacy or physical affection unless its from someone else- could you handle being together again if both of you had been with someone else in that time? Jealousy happens regardless if you were "allowed" or not.
Is it a break that you can honestly say you'll go back to him or are you not sure? He'll want to know where he stands and if he should keep hope or if he should move on. It may turn out he waits however long til you come back and then you realise you don't want to and he gets his heart broken after a long time waiting. Or like others have said he may not take you back.

IMO, it seems like a safety net for a break up. If people dont know whether they want to break up or not they just take a break to sample single life and then have their partner in waiting in case its not as hoped. I know that this isn't why you want one and I wholeheartedly agree with your reasoning, you need to grow as you, not as one half of a couple. But looking at it from his side its not going to be very nice for him and its only natural that he's going to want a lot of "conditions" for want of a better word if you do take a break as opposed to breaking up- other people, time frame, some sort of updates as to where you guys are at- because if you break up you are "free", but when taking a break you do have an obligation to the other ( hurting) party and can't leave them in limbo while you sort your own head because their head will be all over the place too as they can't quite move on as they would if it was a break up.

Hope this helps.

KrustyUCC

In my experience on a "break" usually leads to a full break up

Even if you take a break for a relatively short time it severs the connection ye have for a while

A break would not be a thought unless you thought the relationship was already broken

You say urself that it has gone stale

Some of the things that annoy you could be seen as him still trying to show affection

He has committed to a year off travelling abroad which would bring him out of his comfort zone and would be a perfect opportunity for you both to be adventurous and grow together

yes you have nothing to compare relationship to but serious OP how will you get that unless you date another person?

maybe you will see what differences may happen on a break but that 1 relationship will still be all that you know

You have an opportunity to travel with someone you love and will need to make friends in new city who don't know anything about you. maybe that's your opportunity to come out of your shell

Merkin

I think taking a break from someone is usually pretty selfish and cowardly. Decide if you want to be with him or not then take the required action. I don't see the point of taking a break, it's particularly cruel to the other party and you're ultimately just dragging the arse out of it.

CaraMay

Merkin wrote: »

I think taking a break from someone is usually pretty selfish and cowardly. Decide if you want to be with him or not then take the required action. I don't see the point of taking a break, it's particularly cruel to the other party and you're ultimately just dragging the arse out of it.

I agree. A break is selfish as it's all in your terms. If you don't want to be with your oh then break up with him and follow the life you want. You are not doing anything wrong by breaking up with him but it's not fair to use him to cover your bases in case you change your mind after the break up.

ahnow

From what you've said on here, you don't seem to really appreciate your boyfriend. It might be quite hurtful for him when you snap at him to give you some peace, when he's being tactile with you, you know? To me, that would feel like quite a hurtful rejection, especially because he's only showing you how much he likes you. I think it says a lot for him that you think he's not too pushed about living abroad but he's willing to do it for you.
Going on a break is a one-sided thing and gives you all the power, it's hurtful and unfair, you have him to the side until you've decided if he's good enough or not. I don't think it's right to be honest. If you think things aren't going to work with him, do the time you've had together some justice and be fair to him. If you think that your relationship could be rejuvenated by travelling together or by finding a way of injecting some life into it, try it, maybe have a frank talk to him about how you feel-that you would like new experiences and to meet new people. That can still be done with him, it could be an awful lot of fun!