sexual problems in new relationship

treelights

Hi boardsies,

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.

I'm a 36 year old woman. I've had quite a few long-term relationships, but none that have gone the distance. Although I'm getting older, I would still love to get married and have a child.

Over the summer, I met someone really wonderful. He's kind, affectionate, funny, hard-working, talented, sexy, intelligent - I can quite honestly say he is the nicest guy I've ever gone out with and I am MAD about him (we've been together about 4.5 months, but knew each other as acquaintances before - he liked me when we first met, but I was going out with someone else at the time).

But.

There are two problems, and I think they're connected:

1. Although he's in his early 30s, he's been living a bachelor's life for the past 10 years. I think he's had various sexual encounters and a FWB, but no proper girlfriend for 10 years. He has a large group of friends, hobbies that take up a lot of time, and his family nearby, so I don't think he really minded being single.

But in regards to me, I feel like he's too busy for me, and he doesn't prioritize me. We've been together for nearly 5 months, but we still only see each other 2 or 3 times a week. We live nearby, so that seems like very little. Every other relationship I've been in, I've seen my boyfriend nearly every day. However, when we are together, it's amazing - he is so good to me and we get on so well and are so attracted to each other. Whenever I bring this up to him - basically, just saying that I feel like he doesn't want to see me much and that I feel like he's not that into me if I don't see him that often - he always feels bad for making me upset, says he is really, really into me, he is busy, unused to being in a relationship, etc - but things haven't really changed

2. The other issue has to do with sex. Basically, I'd been in a long-term relationship that ended shortly before I started going out with my boyfriend, so I wanted to wait for a while to have sex - wanted to get to know him better, make sure he wasn't a rebound, etc. So that was fine, we built up a great friendship/relationship and the sexual chemistry has always been amazing. But the first time we tried to have sex, he was really nervous and couldn't stay hard. Since that first failed attempt, nearly every single time we've tried to do it, he comes way too early (ie, during foreplay), so sex never happens He feels really awful about it and I just keep telling him it's ok, but it's hard for me, too. The last time this happened, he said he was planning to see a doctor about it.

What can I do?? I really like thus guy, could potentially love him, and see him as long- term material. Buy between the not seeing me enough and not being able to have sex, I don't know what to do.

Thoughts?? Anyone out there have any similar experiences? Thanks x

LegacyUser

Problem 1 is probably as a direct result of Problem 2.
He's aware there's an issue, is embarrassed about it, so minimizes contact with you in order to avoid/downplay the reality of the situation.

Typer Monkey

It all sounds very intense for a new relationship OP which might be contributing to his performance anxiety. You're only seeing each other for 6 months max but you seem to have a lot invested already which can be very pressurising. You mention you'd like to get married and have children even though it's not really all that relevant. In my opinion seeing a relatively new boyfriend every day would be excessive. Three times a week seems fine/average to me. Time apart and seperate interests are important.

Maybe you need to relax a bit and stop forcing a timeline on the relationship. Are you very aware of your age and biological clock perhaps?

Has he suffered from premature ejaculation before? Maybe ease off on the foreplay for him (more for you maybe ;-)) If you both chill out in the bedroom too maybe a more relaxed approach will help with the premature ejaculation.

CianRyan

I'll be with my girlfriend 4 years in Feb', I'd see her 2 days during the week and on weekends, fair enough we're a fair bit younger (23) but it's be fairly intense to need to spend everyday together.
We both live with our parents which would also make a big difference, presuming you both live alone, separate?
Don't try and force him out of his hobbies, we all need them and they were a big part of his life before you were.

As for the sex, less focus on him and more on you!
If he's been with you for near 6 months and you're only getting into sex now, he's had a lot of down time! Give him a chance to find his rhythm again.

suicide_circus

Just because you saw previous boyfriend a every day dosnt make that "normal" nor does it mean it is what will work for him.

In the other matter, I hope he still gets you off even of he comes early/ cant stay hard? He hasn't had a relationship in 10 years so is probably feeling the pressure especially if youre complaining about not seeing him enough.

Meauldsegosha

I'm with my boyfriend 7 months and we only see each other 2-3 times a week. We talk or text everyday. We have other commitments which we wouldn't expect the other to give up. Expecting to see each other every day does seem intense to me. Your expectations could be leading to him having problems in bed. Relax and enjoy your relationship.

wirelessdude01

OP, you sound like your making the issues here. Your comparing the amount of time spent with the lad to all your previous relationships but forgetting one important thing. These relationships all failed. What you have described seems to me to be fine and normal for what is still in reality a relationship still in its infancy. Enjoy the time you have or yourself and develop some interests outside of the relationship. By your own admission you more or less walked from one relationship straight into another one without much of a break. Also possibly this wanting of marriage and kids comes across to him without you meaning to and this adds to the pressure that he feels. As you said he was essentially free and single for 10years so it will take a while for this to change in his life.

Typer Monkey

sport_nut wrote: »

id consider six months to be a considerable length of time to be seeing someone , I certainly wouldn't be with someone for six months if I wasn't remotely serious

I think you've missed my point here. I did say 'relatively' new relationship. They do seem serious about each other and that's great but you can be serious and committed without being intense and smothering. I think the pressure is the root of the problem here

treelights

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies so far, much appreciated.

@TyperMonkey, sorry the marriage and kids thing looks like a non-sequitur, but what I mean to say is that I'm afraid of wasting time As much as I like him, I don't want to be in a situation where, say, in a year's time we're still only seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week and not having sex.

To the other posters - the focus is all on me during foreplay ... I can't complain, he is great to me, but he comes during this and it all is very one-sided. He also seems kind if uncomfortable with me touching him, maybe because he's afraid of coming too soon? I don't know

Thanks again for the advice so far x

SpaceRocket

Hey op,
By what you have said, you are used to settled relationships whereby you spend a lot of time together and perhaps even most nights together. Could that possibly have been the case in the long term relationship you were in before you met your current boyfriend? You are 36, I'm assuming the majority of your friends are settled, and some with kids at this stage? For you to want to spend quite a bit of time with your other half is fairly normal for someone in your position. You are looking to settle down, and after six months feel confident that if these issues can be resolved with him, you can see yourselves having that future together. I don't feel that you looking for more time with him at this stage is unreasonable at all.
As you have said, he has not been in a relationship in a decade. He has not been in a relationship since his early 20's!
That is a veeery long time, and he could very well have lost his mojo in the bed department. To be honest I would doubt he has had a fwb all this time - if he is having problems with you now. It's not exactly possible to be fwb's with a guy who was having these issues, as you have said, you guys haven't even had sex yet. I personally would feel a bit wary of someone who hadn't been in a relationship for that long, and who claimed to have been sleeping around yet has the premature ejaculation problem with you. It sounds to me like someone who has not had sex in 10years. This is not a problem which just arises all of a sudden so I would wonder why he did not explain to you that he has this issue and perhaps it could be the reason he has avoided getting into a relationship for 10 years? First and foremost he needs to see his gp and check for any underlying issues. I wonder if he has intimacy issues? I think once the sex issue has sorted itself out, you can then go from there and see if he is willing to let you into his life a bit more and if the relationship is heading to all those things you want, or if he indeed does have intimacy and commitment issues and three days a week with you is his max. If that is the case then I think you know what you'll have to do, but hopefully once the sex issue is sorted, he won't be so afraid of spending some more quality time with you. If he is currently anxious about the sex situation this could also be a reason why he is not spending as much time with you as he could be. I hope you guys can sort this one out.

Typer Monkey

treelights wrote: »

@TyperMonkey, sorry the marriage and kids thing looks like a non-sequitur, but what I mean to say is that I'm afraid of wasting time As much as I like him, I don't want to be in a situation where, say, in a year's time we're still only seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week and not having sex.

I think you've got one problem and that's the sex issue. You should focus on solving that. How you tackle it together will be a far better indication of your commitment and compatibility than the amount of time you spend together.

I think focussing on the amount of time spent together is a distraction. I think you're looking for reassurance of his feelings and commitment and you think spending everyday together is an indication of that. It's not really a good yard stick though. Do you really want to spent every evening with him hanging off you? Quality not quantity.

I understand that at your age you don't want to be wasting time and that your timeline will be speeded up due to being 36 and not 26 but tackle the pressing sex problem first. If the relationship has a future you'll naturally move towards spending more time together/living together etc

The Princess Bride

Regarding the first issue.
2/3 times a week would seem appropriate to me at this stage of your relationship,certainly not too little.

treelights wrote: »

I think he's had various sexual encounters and a FWB, but no proper girlfriend for 10 years.
....But the first time we tried to have sex, he was really nervous and couldn't stay hard.

Could it be that this sexual problem was the reason for him being single for so long before he met you?

beks101

I would sit down with him and have an honest conversation about the sex issues (outside the bedroom) first and foremost. Reassure him that you're crazy about him, care about him and want to help him in whatever way you can. That you find him incredibly sexy and want the two of you to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship and will do what you can to help him overcome this.

After that it's largely down to him wanting to work through this difficult issue and build on your relationship.

Quite frankly, if he's not prepared to look the problem in the face and seek whatever medical or psychological help is necessary, and indeed let you in on what's going on and be communicative about it, I'd be preparing myself to move on.

Not just because you dont have the luxury of time to be pissing about with someone, but also because of the psychological ramifications of this on you in the long run.

I dated a guy with similar issues, who was completely uncommunicative and unprepared to even consider a conversation about his sexual problems, and who dealt with the issue by minimizing our time together. Like you, I was absolutely crazy about the guy & wanted to be with him whenever possible, so his lack of will to see me regularly, coupled with the sex thing, had a big impact on my confidence. I felt unwanted, insignificant to him.

If I encountered that same situation again, and the guy wasnt prepared to open up to me and work through these issues, I wouldn't waste time looking for the door. You have yourself and your own happiness to think of here too.

strobe

I'd agree with everyone else regarding the first issue. 2/3 times a week doesn't seem unusual or too little.

In terms of the premature ejaculation, you could try a couple of practical things. There are condoms you can get that have a small bit of novacaine or something similar in them that numb things slightly with the goal of making men last longer. Durex do one in a silver packet. May be worth a try, although I'd discuss trying them out with him rather than just surprise him with them or anything.

Alternatively, and probably a better option, you could focus on him first, bring him to orgasm through oral sex etc, then after a bit of a break, start things up again, slowly. Second time round he should last a fair bit longer and there should be much less chance of anything spontaneous happening during foreplay.
Things don't have to be finished once a guy has come once.

The Corinthian

treelights wrote: »

I'm a 36 year old woman. I've had quite a few long-term relationships, but none that have gone the distance. Although I'm getting older, I would still love to get married and have a child.

What can I do?? I really like thus guy, could potentially love him, and see him as long- term material. Buy between the not seeing me enough and not being able to have sex, I don't know what to do.

God no. No, no, no, no, no.

This is how bad marriages happen. You're clearly looking to have children and realize that time is beginning to run short at 36. You've met a guy who's positive attributes you list off almost like some sort of check-list and you consider him as potential "long-term material"; that's right 'material', a resource, which you're clearly seeking to assess, and ideally fix any problems ASAP and need to do so on a timetable. He's not a person, he's a sperm doner, potentially a co-parent too and maybe a provider also. A resource.

After four and a half months, still seeing each other twice a week is not unusual. Some couples do so for a lot longer. Sure, if you're on a timetable, this probably doesn't suit; you'd want to move in together by six months and ideally have a proposal by or around twelve, so that you can begin trying for a child before you're 38 (ideally married by then, but needs must). So, as others have said, it's not what would be commonly seen as a problem.

As to the sex, who knows; probably he does, but it's clear he's not telling. He may have medical problems in that department. He may not be entirely comfortable with how are managing the relationship (I'd probably instinctively have problems getting it up if I found myself in the company of someone who so clearly has an agenda, and where I'm 'material'). He may just need to find his rhythm again, as has been suggested, but you're now less patient as you need to assess if he's going to work out quickly - those eggs aren't getting any younger, after all.

I'm sorry if I sound cruel OP, but I'm doing you a favour in the long run. I've seen way too many dysfunctional marriages form as a result of people rushing into them in their thirties because it becomes about meeting the deadline to squeeze out a kid rather than a lifelong commitment to another person. They almost never end well; they don't always break up, but they're almost never happy either.

Thomas D

You don't sound right for each other and your letting your age cloud your judgement.

jimd2

Here is what I suspect.....

You have had a number of relationships with men that are different types to your current guy. They were possibly more streetwise than him, more experienced with women and generally a more exciting bunch of guys for an outgoing girl in her twenties and early thirties. However, those relationships did not work out for a number of reasons, some of which probably relate to the type of guy you were dating before.

Now you have met this "nice guy" and he ticks a number of boxes the previous guys didnt. However, he probably is smitten but is aware that you sexually much more experienced than he is and this is probably getting to him mentally and causing these problems.

In my opinion The Corinthian hit on a very key issue and I agree. While you see him as long term prospect you have some doubts as some issues are not as you have experienced before or expect. The fact that these issues are causing you to doubt the relationship possibly means that he he is not the man for you.

Many couples only see each other twice or three times a week for much of the early relationship (including me and my wife). You are still at the early stages of the relationship. Regarding the sexual aspect, you should try and determine if he really wants to be more intimate but is scared off a bit. If he is then you can work on it. If he isnt then ye are sexually incompatible and he isnt the man for you. If he is mad for you but uneasy / scared then you can assure him that sex isnt a biggie for you at this stage of the relationship and try and be intimate without him being expected to perform. You can go a certain distance and try and "go easy" to build up his confidence. Every so often ye can go away so, as mentioned earlier, and then you would have the opportunity to go again after a time if the problem occurs.

However, as mentioned by the Corinthian, you are just as big a factor in this in my opinion. Ye are probably compatible but your relationship histories are different and this can impact in several ways.

treelights

Hi mods, I got some great some great advice earlier in this thread, but as it's now descended into somewhat judgement and incorrect posts about my character, could you please lock it now? Thanks a million to earlier posters who took the time to respond to the original questions asked in my op.

jimd2

treelights wrote: »

Hi mods, I got some great some great advice earlier in this thread, but as it's now descended into somewhat judgement and incorrect posts about my character, could you please lock it now? Thanks a million to earlier posters who took the time to respond to the original questions asked in my op.

I am a little disappointed with your comments as I would suspect that they refer to myself and a couple of other posters. There is always the possibility when a person asks for advice on a forum like this that there will be a variety of responses, not all responses like an OP would be expecting or like to hear. In this thread I thought that the responses were pretty reasonable.

It is up to you as to how much you will take from any post but, please, take the responses in the sentiment that they were given, i.e. an attempt to give different thoughts, experiences and perspectives on the situation. I wasnt expecting a thank you but I wasnt expecting a rebuttal like that either.

Taltos

Closed at request of OP.