New boyfriend works with his ex

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I've recently started seeing a new guy. It's been about 4 months or so and going fairly well. It's long distance but we try to see each other every other weekend.

We've discussed previous relationships and he told me the last girl he was seeing broke his heart. He's also said other things like he was in a bad place before he met me and I make him happy and that his friends are delighted he has moved on because he was so upset over his last relationship ending.

The other night I was looking on Facebook and he had posted a comment for a girl which I thought nothing of, but then I saw he had commented a few times on her pictures and liked various statuses she had posted.
So I clicked on her profile and she works in the same place as him. And she's his ex. They seem to have been going out with each other up to the end of the summer.


So needless to say I'm a bit stumped. I mean, he tells me about the ex but fails to mention he's still in contact with her and that he works with her!
I'm been messed around before and I can't help but think that I'm just his rebound. He's been very eager to make the relationship official and everything but now I'm wondering if it's just because he wants to show her that he has a girlfriend.

I know he likes me but I find myself questioning his motives now when he hasn't been honest with me.
Above anything in a relationship I need openness and honesty and I can't help but feel that omission is on a par with lying.

Should I just be upfront and say it to him?

Big Bag of Chips

OP anon wrote: »

I know he likes me but I find myself questioning his motives now when he hasn't been honest with me.
Above anything in a relationship I need openness and honesty and I can't help but feel that omission is on a par with lying.

Should I just be upfront and say it to him?

If you're not upfront and tell him what you know, then are you not also guilty of "lying". You say above anything else you need openness and honesty...? Well you not saying anything about knowing isn't exactly open and honest either, is it?

He may have omitted to tell you because he didn't know how to. Was afraid of how you'd react... etc.

If you value honesty, then you have to have the same standards for yourself. Find a way to bring it up, without accusing or blaming. Technically, he hasn't done anything wrong.

Brego888

Ask him about ex relationships at work. Nothing sneaky just ask.
I work with a girl I went out with for a few years. We are well over it and I'd much rather I didn't have to work directly with her but we still talk and communicate by other means regularly. Facebook is just part of the process.

LegacyUser

I should also say, I met him 4 months ago and we kissed and swapped numbers but didn't actually get to meet up again until about 8 weeks ago and have been seeing each other since.
That's what I mean when I say about feeling that he's rushing to make things "official".

alias06

OP anon wrote: »

He's been very eager to make the relationship official and everything but now I'm wondering if it's just because he wants to show her that he has a girlfriend.

Your hunch could be right here. Its possible he still cares more for her than he does for you. You need to talk to him about it.

LegacyUser

OP again wrote: »

I should also say, I met him 4 months ago and we kissed and swapped numbers but didn't actually get to meet up again until about 8 weeks ago and have been seeing each other since.
That's what I mean when I say about feeling that he's rushing to make things "official".

So you kissed and didn't see each other for two months? You see each other every second weekend, so have seen each other like 6 times in total? Over 4 months? You sure this guy is your boyfriend OP?

GreeBo

alias06 wrote: »

Your hunch could be right here. Its possible he still cares more for her than he does for you. You need to talk to him about it.

Or its possibly that he really, really likes you and you make him happy so he wants to form a long term commitment with you?

alias06

GreeBo wrote: »

Or its possibly that he really, really likes you and you make him happy so he wants to form a long term commitment with you?

This is true. So bascially the OP just needs to have a calm conversation with her boyfriend about how he feels about her and how he feels about his ex.

suicide_circus

Brego888 wrote: »

Ask him about ex relationships at work. Nothing sneaky just ask

Of course that's sneaky! Trying to test him and see if he's lying or what?
OP he probably hasnt said anything because noone wants to hear that their bf/gf works with an ex and it would upset you, whats he gonna do, quit his job over it? Not in this job market!

LegacyUser

Relationshipmayhem wrote: »

So you kissed and didn't see each other for two months? You see each other every second weekend, so have seen each other like 6 times in total? Over 4 months? You sure this guy is your boyfriend OP?

Well that's what I mean. I I prefer to say we're dating or seeing each other as it's early days but he's rushing to put a label on it and I wonder if he's more interested in having a girlfriend than having ME as his girlfriend. He's coming up this weekend so I'm just going to tell him that I noticed his posts on her Facebook and on his page about her and and that they work together and see where the discussion leads.

I know he really does like me but I do feel part of his enthusiasm for me is to have a girlfriend. Any girlfriend.

GreeBo

OP I think you just have to trust him or end the relationship, it's as single as that. If you do then there is nothing to worry about, if you don't then the relationship has problems bigger than this issue.

Either he is going to do something or he isn't, it's out of your hands tbh.

LegacyUser

OP back again. I discussed it with him over the weekend. He said he hadn't mentioned it because to him it's nothing and he is fully committed to me and to what we have. I did say I was wary because he was very open about another ex he sees (they own a house) and he was very quiet about this most recent one.

I also said that I was feeling pressured into putting a label on things and that I'm not really willing to call it a relationship as such just yet. That it's still early days and that I'm not seeing anyone else but I'm not rushing into a relationship either.

He asked me if I trust him and I said that I don't think he would cheat but that I do have doubts about whether he is over his ex or not and perhaps he might not even know it himself, but that he might be using me as a rebound or a way to get over his last ex.

He says he's not and I suppose I either believe him or I end it. I've chosen to believe him and hopefully he'll ease up a bit on the intensity levels and we can just continue to enjoy each others company.