If I warn her, will they all think I am just jealous?

scribeX

Hello all, I have a small dilemma and I would love your views on it. I am usually a very caring person (so would want to help someone regardless of what I think of them) and something has come up that I am not sure how to deal with. I have recently left my husband after 19 years of a very stifling and abusive marriage. We have 4 wonderful children and they have all moved with me. Despite a few hiccups, they are mostly much happier now and the absence of tension in the household feels like a weight that has been lifted from all of our lives.

The problem is though, that my husband (ex) is coming on very strongly to a rather nice woman who I know through friends. She is a gentle person too and very caring and has taken him under her wing. He is playing the victim card to her and saying that I have been so horrible - have taken the kids, pets, everything and left him wounded (all lies, except for taking the kids) and she is believing it all and giving him so much support. She thinks I am evil incarnate and is believing every word he says - including mis information such as I am still on medication for post natal depression and bi-polar disorder (completely untrue).

My dilemma is - knowing what I know about him - should I warn her of the type of man he is or will she just think I am meddling or a jealous ex? My friend said the best thing is to leave her to find out for herself and that she is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. I cant help but think I would be responsible somehow if I don't warn her and a few years in, she realises that she is in a nasty situation. I may be in a compromised position at the moment to make good judgements, but I would personally prefer to warn her.

Any ideas or comments will be great so I can get some perspective on this.

GAAman

Hi op, I could write a long winded reply but a thought struck me and it might simplify your dilemma.

If, back when you and your ex met, someone could have warned you what he was really like would you have wanted that?

Think I know the answer, and I would do the same thing. Best of luck with it either way

No.

Unequivocally, unambiguously, and without question. Do not get involved. If you do, you will bring him and his abuse back into your life, and you will significantly raise the tension level for you and - more importantly - your children.

Your principal, possibly only concern is the well-being and safety of you and your children. He's no longer your business, and she's a grown-up. You are not responsible for either of them, and the fact that you are thinking that you might feel guilty is simply a sign of your own self-esteem issues. That's not intended to be rude or harsh, but self-esteem is often an issue for someone who has been abused for as long as you have.

Put your time and energy into yourself and your kids, and making a safe and loving home for all of you - and don't jeopardise that by giving this man or this woman any excuse to drag you and your children back into the pit from which you've escaped. That's the most important thing. That's the bottom line.

Don't even think about it.

Payton

^^^ Great reply. OP walk away from his life, He is not your business anymore and she will, in time see his true colours but she has to see that for herself.
You seem to be moving on in your life with your kids, you don't need his baggage in your life, for your own sanity forget him and his life whoever he's with.
You wrote "The Problem is"....its not your problem full stop. Let him bad mouth you its a good sign of weakness so what if you had post natal depression or bi polar you wont be the first or the last person to have a medical condition.
Ask yourself are you going to chase up every woman he is seeing to let them know how bad he is?

Big Bag of Chips

How do you know any or all of this? Did you hear back from her directly? If not then it is all hearsay. As others have said - stay out of it. She is a grown up and while your relationship might have been terrible, there is nothing to say that their relationship won't work out. He might be a completely different person with her.

And as also mentioned - are you going to find every woman he starts a relationship with and warn them, too?

Kashkai

OP, you sound like you're the one who isn't letting go of your ex. So what who he is seeing, what their relationship is, it's really none of your business. My ex never let any opportunity pass where she could tell me what an awful person I am. Thing is, no one else had a problem with me, my kids included and so all she ended up doing was turning people against her as they saw her as a bitter jealous ex wife.

Look I'm not judging you or your ex husband, who was right or who was wrong. You're marriage is over, he's in your past so move on and let him be while you get on with your life. Otherwise, you'll just poison your own life with bitterness and resentment.

scribeX

Thank you all for your comments, they are all so appreciated and helpful.

Ulysses, I think you have hit the mark by noticing my self esteem is on the floor - if I am honest enough, I will admit to that and I don't know if I will ever be able to rebuild myself,

but, I think that is where it leads into the other responses - I know its in the past and that the marriage is gone and I should move on, but I battle to let go - (not because I want him back, no, I am relieved to be free of it) but I find I am replaying scenarios and remembering scenes from the past 19 years all the time. And there weren't many good times. I guess that may be just part of the process of 'getting over it' but it is hard to just forget all that time......... and all those insults!

Thank you again for all your insights,

Stheno

I have been the other women after a man has moved on and had to interact with the ex. we managed to keep it civil, but frankly, I've enough to do to keep my relationship on point than to listen to what he was like before me.

Best leaving it alone in my opinion

scribeX

Hi Stheno, as the 'other woman' could I please just ask you that if he had been abusive and a bully in a previous relationship, would you not have wanted to know about it? In case it flares up again in your relationship? Thanks

Ken.

Write everything you want to say to her in a letter. Put it in an envelope seal it and post it to yourself. Once it arrives stick it somewhere safe. If anything ever comes up about how you did or didn't do anything, bring out the letter.

scribeX

ken, thank you, that is amazing and makes the most sense ever. thank you,

Ken.

I forgot to put in in my previous post. Don't forget to date it.

scribeX

scribeX wrote: »

Ulysses, I think you have hit the mark by noticing my self esteem is on the floor - if I am honest enough, I will admit to that and I don't know if I will ever be able to rebuild myself....

It's sometimes more than self-esteem, believe it or not. It can also be post-traumatic stress. I'm not saying that applies to you, but it can apply to people who have been in your situation.

One of the "symptoms" of lowered self-esteem and of post-traumatic stress is difficulty in drawing lines under past events and saying to yourself "this is in the past; this is no longer a part of my life". That's not a fault, it's just the way the human mind works - sort of like a protection mechanism in the brain that doesn't know how to switch itself off.

Dealing with those issues is not easy, and it's a bit less hard to roll a stone up a hill if you've got a bit of help. So if you can, you should have a word with someone, preferably a professional (counsellor, doctor or the like). I know a couple of people who have found that really helpful.

But anyway, just please keep my previous words in mind. It's all about you and your kids. So you concentrate on that, and let him, her and the rest of the world's grown-ups take responsibility for themselves. That's not mean, or indifferent, or unkind. It's just looking after the most important priorities in your life first. All the best to you with that.