bf never told parents i've kids

bravojordan

ok not sure where to post this...i've been in a relationship for a year now...from start i was keen my bf told his parents that i have kids....i've 4 from when i was married....i'm in my early 30's and so is he...he lives at home with his parents and he told me yes he told them he even went as far as saying they asked there names...but i've just found out he never told them!! i've only meet the parents 3 times and each time it was for about 5 mins before he ran me out of there....proberly in case i told them about kids!! he great with my kids... spends time with them at weekends when they not at dads not during the week as i did'nt want them to get to used to him just in case so i've taken it slow...me not him he would have been keen to rush...but i was badly hurt when my marriage ended when i found out ex was a serial cheat the whole relationship... so i find it hard to trust my own judegment but i don't know what i should do about this?? what sort of ADULT does'nt tell his parents i've kids??

Carpet diem

Sit down and discuss it with him.

Its tough for him too - his parents might not be that receptive to what he has to say!

Sometimes the main thing in a relationship is how you get together. Everything else is secondary

CaraMay

Firstly I don't like that he told you a barefaced lie when he said he had told them. Then he compounded the first lie by pretending they had asked the kids names and now he is trying to treat you all like fools by trying to continue o hide the fact.

I can't stand lies and if he can lie for a year about something this big then what else is he capable of lying about. Major red flag and tbh a red card for me.

bravojordan

caramay i totally get what u saying and my gut telling me that too...yeah see carpet i was very worried about this at start and could get y the parents would b upset...but he totally assured me they be fine they most accepting people ever and not to worry...he also told me his ex was basically a highflyer in medical professional and recently qualfied...then i found out she was'nt what he told me no where as high up the ladder he put her actually not even the same area... when i tackled him about it he told me she lied to him about it and he beleived her...they were together a year how do u not know there profession...i only found out on facebook!! and somebody i know who knew her..!! to me i just keep wondering if anything he told me was true!! i also wonder if i'm just a good option...i've my own house and its a very good size in a lovely location...with a low mortage...car...career...he does'nt own a home or anything like that but how can you think you have a future with somebody if u havent told ur family the truth? he goes on about us having a baby some day...who he gonna say owns my children??

CaraMay

I wouldn't actually care what he thinks of you right now. You need to decide if you can live with his ongoing inability to tell the truth?

Merkin

Are his parents ridiculously old fashioned or religious maybe? I'm not for a moment condoning him lying but maybe he feels his reasons are justified.

I'd be concerned that you mention his lack of liquidity etc, sounds like you may be having doubts about the guy anyway?

ash23

I went out with a guy like him. Living at home with the parents who were very old fashioned. We were seeing each other for a good few months and then he told me he couldn't bring me home to meet the parents as they really wouldn't approve of me having a child.

My child is going nowhere so he got the old heave-ho.

I'd tell him that he has to tell them. If he doesn't then really, there is no future with him. Say you want to invite his parents over at some stage over Christmas and let him decide what's more important - the relationship or his parents disapproval.

Big Bag of Chips

bravojordan, please be careful not to fall back to txtspk. It is forbidden as per our Charter

Pippy1976

I'm coming at it from your boyfriend's perspective here.

I'm in a relationship with someone who has a child from a previous relationship. I can see where your boyfriend is coming from. Whilst my parents aren't strict catholics or prude-ish I found it difficult to broach the subject.

To be honest I'm not sure why. I think it came down to others people's reaction, worried about what 'other people' would say when really, it doesn't matter what other people say or think.

In the end I told them, after a year, and it was no problem. All the fretting and the worrying was over nothing but I can really see where he'd be anxious about telling them. It's not as easy a topic to bring up as people may think. Give him a chance is what I'd say. He doesn't sound like a bad guy to me.

CaraMay

Pippy1976 wrote: »

In the end I told them, after a year, and it was no problem. All the fretting and the worrying was over nothing but I can really see where he'd be anxious about telling them. It's not as easy a topic to bring up as people may think. Give him a chance is what I'd say. He doesn't sound like a bad guy to me.

But did you lie about it repeatedly to your partner?

Pippy1976

CaraMay wrote: »

But did you lie about it repeatedly to your partner?

Yes, I did! He used to ask me had I told them and I used to say, yes, sure everyone knows, they know, blah blah.

Honsetly, @CaraMay, some people may find it easy to tell other people things like this. Others struggle but there's nothing wrong with that. When you're in the situation you're anticipating a negative response, for whatever reason, so to avoid it you brush it under the carpet.

Not saying it's right but it was my way of dealing with it until I felt ready. And, there's nothing wrong with waiting 'til you're ready.

IvyTheTerrible

If it was just the child issue, I would say "Ok his parents might be old-fashioned and he doesn't know how to broach the subject". But the fact that he also lied (for what possible reason?) about his girlfriend's career, would ring alarm bells for me.
Also, has he told you he's going to tell his parents about your children? I mean, if he envisions your relationship as a serious one, they'll have to be told sometime.

Pippy1976

ash23 wrote: »

I'd tell him that he has to tell them. If he doesn't then really, there is no future with him.

Putting pressure on someone to disclose information to another party is unfair.

He probably feels under pressure as it is and putting added strain, like demanding when he tells them, how he tells them and the circumstances around the discussion is a really unfair way of approaching this.

Pippy1976

hang on a SECOND... maybe his ex-girlfriend lied about the career. Perhaps that's what she told him and a year isn't that long to build a charade.

let's not cast aspersions about the guy. Like I said, perhaps his ex lied, we're not to know.

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

If it was just the child issue, I would say "Ok his parents might be old-fashioned and he doesn't know how to broach the subject". But the fact that he also lied (for what possible reason?) about his girlfriend's career, would ring alarm bells for me.
Also, has he told you he's going to tell his parents about your children? I mean, if he envisions your relationship as a serious one, they'll have to be told sometime.

The Princess Bride

A year is too long for him to have kept this a secret, especially as he is living at home, and therefore seeing his parents every day.

An adult of his age should know better, and be more mature and tell his parents.I'd wonder why,and I'd need to know, to be honest.

He lied about telling them, lied about their reaction, lied about his ex......
You say that your ex was a serial cheat. You surely wouldn't choose to go from a relationship with a serial cheater to one with a serial lier, would you?

I'd sit him down and ask him what's the problem?
You and your children are a complete package, he needs to understand this.

Am curious-how did you discover he hadn't told them the truth?

alias06

Pippy1976 wrote: »

hang on a SECOND... maybe his ex-girlfriend lied about the career. Perhaps that's what she told him and a year isn't that long to build a charade.

let's not cast aspersions about the guy. Like I said, perhaps his ex lied, we're not to know.

This is true. There is no need to rush to conclusions here. It may be the guy is afraid of his parents reaction but he still really wants to be with you and he feels caught. You say he is good to your kids. He has obviously accepted the arrangement himself. He should tell his parents but lots of people keep things from their parents (e.g. lots of people don't tell their parents they are gay) because they simply wouldn't understand and the fallout and hurt would not be worth it. Talk to him about it.

bravojordan

ok here's the thing....i've hardly meet his family like just a quick hello thats it...i've never meet his brother which i find strange...he says he does'nt like him...one night we were out and his brother walked by he said hi but never introduced me... i've never meet his friends but he does see them minus me... he has meet my family the whole family at his own request and not just a hello but a prober hour or so several times as my siblings live away and would not be home at same time...he has gone for out for dinner with my friends and to there homes for dinner....i just thaught at this stage i would be more part of his world but he only seems to want to be in mine....he good with kids but has intervered when i have corrected them not in front of them but after and told me i'm too soft....that i may be but they have been through a hell of alot it was a slow painful breakup with there dad, so i tend to be a little soft but we get on fine....i correct after tandrum not during....i have caught him out on lots of little lies silly stuff but still lies....i found out he had'nt told his parents as they never once said a word to me about my kids, we went on a christmas day- out i asked him did he tell parents kids with us he said no i said it just us, he told them i was babysitting not my kids but somebody elses one night i cancelled a date...just alot of these kinda things so only last week i told him i was gonna tell his parents about santy and kids he freaked i conforted threatened to end it if he did'nt tell truth and he did eventually... anyway the ex was a dental nurse not a doctor and he practically lived together..they got a dog toegether.. she now works in same building as me and he has warned me not to talk to her as according to him she is trouble?? it's the new year coming i need to make a desicion soon i'd just love to hear opions before i do..any men out there been in this kinda situation with a girlfriend with kids?

clairefontaine

For me I would depend on the motivation behind the lies.

He lives with his parents so lying may just be a way of building a wall of privacy around his life. This I would be ok with.

I'd he h lying because he is ashamed of you, then that I would have a problem with.

bravojordan

To me it feels like shame...I asked repeatly how he was gonna tell them I knew how hard of a subject it would b to bring up and if he was honest and told me he never told them I would have accepted that and I told him that but he lied to ME saying he did tell them is what freaks me out!! There not religious and to b honest I don't know them well enough to say anything more about them... Which after a year makes me feel kinda uneasy... I had a great relationship with my ex parents in- law and in fact I still do even though me and ex don't get on at all... Is this not normal in a relationship?

Tasden

bravojordan wrote: »

To me it feels like shame...I asked repeatly how he was gonna tell them I knew how hard of a subject it would b to bring up and if he was honest and told me he never told them I would have accepted that and I told him that but he lied to ME saying he did tell them is what freaks me out!! There not religious and to b honest I don't know them well enough to say anything more about them... Which after a year makes me feel kinda uneasy... I had a great relationship with my ex parents in- law and in fact I still do even though me and ex don't get on at all... Is this not normal in a relationship?

He's living with them, they know everything about his life already, maybe he just wants privacy and its not a case of not telling them about your kids, he just didn't tell them anything. I keep my private life private, I don't discuss it with my parents regardless of whether its been a month or a year. Some people don't feel the need for their parents and their partner to meet as they would rather keep them separate, not in a malicious or secretive way, just privacy.

clairefontaine

bravojordan wrote: »

To me it feels like shame...I asked repeatly how he was gonna tell them I knew how hard of a subject it would b to bring up and if he was honest and told me he never told them I would have accepted that and I told him that but he lied to ME saying he did tell them is what freaks me out!! There not religious and to b honest I don't know them well enough to say anything more about them... Which after a year makes me feel kinda uneasy... I had a great relationship with my ex parents in- law and in fact I still do even though me and ex don't get on at all... Is this not normal in a relationship?

Thing is single motherhood is its own very special kind of sexism. Motherhood and sexual availability don't mix. Plus they'll be all oh another mans kids yadda yadda... Your ex parents in law are our kids grand kids, so they will try to get along and won't have the same issues as any new in laws. Sometimes it happens,other times it does not happen, really depends.

He lied to you for convenience. I don't know, I'd give it all some serious consideration, and weigh it up. Was he afraid to tell you the truth? What would you like him to do now about it? Find out why he lied to you about it.

CaraMay

Op I understand privacy but I don't understand lies. On too if this he seems to want to ensure you are separate from his ex plus he is bad mouthing her....

I know you know him and we don't be alarm bells are ringing here sorry.

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you talk to him and ask him? We can all speculate as to why he hasn't told them, but none of us know. Your last couple of posts don't paint a picture of a very happy relationship if I'm honest. You've been with him for a year and he is keeping you completely separate from his life. This is obviously bothering you or you wouldn't have mentioned it. You've never met his friends. You've barely met his family. You met his brother, and he didn't introduce you. He has lied about who your children are. He lied to you about his gf (we don't know whether she lied to him, or he lied to you) but has asked you not to make any contact with her in work... obviously he doesn't want you talking, about anything.

I understand for someone still iving at home, (has he ever lived away from home, or is he still a glorified teenager who has never moved out?) how it could be difficult to tell your parents that your girlfriend has 4 children. But he's an adult.. So his parents shouldn't really get that much of a say in his life.

From your perspective, in the last few posts, you don't seem all that valued in the relationship?

Stavro Mueller

I don't like what I'm reading here. I can understand why the guy wouldn't be in a rush to tell his family about you in the early days just in case it didn't work out. But a year later? The lies and the ducking and diving he's doing to try and keep you separate from the other people in his life strike me as being very suspicious indeed.

I can't help but wonder if the story about his ex being in trouble is a pack of lies. I bet he's terrified that you and her will get talking.

Czarcasm

OP tbh your boyfriend sounds like a compulsive liar to cover his own arse and make things convenient for himself. Very immature behaviour from a grown man, and the fact he can't see the irony in telling you you're too soft on your own children, when the fact is - You're far too soft on your boyfriend!

You've overlooked and excused all the insignificant and harmless white lies, but when you put them all together, it builds a picture of one dirty great big lie - your boyfriend is ashamed of you but still sees you as his meal ticket.

I think you're doing a fantastic job of taking care of four children and one man-child tbh!

LegacyUser

I would agree with the other posts.

I think you are noticing a lot of things about him which you are not happy about.
At this stage I would ask him to arrange that you both go out for a meal with his parents/family as you would like to know them better. Tell him that you want to meet and get to know his friends also because he has meet yours.

Did he tell you why his last relationship ended? He told you his ex-girlfriend was trouble
but did he tell you in what regards?
I think if you talk to her you will find out more about him. He is not keen for you to chat to her for some reason or reasons. Perhaps she could tell you that no one is good enough for his mother/family, he does not want a long term relationship ect.

I would ask him is why is he still living at home/ has he ever lived away from home? I know men of this age and they are happy enough living at home due to paying no rent/bills and the fact that mammy still does every thing for them.

Unless he starts making an effort for you re his parents/friends I would not stay with him much longer.

jellyboy

hi op

Dump him …
Cut him free before you destroy him ..

he hasn't got a chance with you ..

you keep referring back to previous real ship ,wether its the abuse or that the in laws were nicer ..

I had a great relationship with my ex parents in- law and in fact I still do even though me and ex don't get on at all... Is this not normal in a relationship?

i read your post a few times and i read this

me ,me me me ..i want ..me me

from start i was keen my bf told his parents that i have kids.

i did'nt want them to get to used to him just in case so i've taken it slow

me not him he would have been keen to rush...but i was badly hurt when my marriage ended when i found out ex was a serial cheat the whole relationship... so i find it hard to trust my own judegment but i don't know what i should do about this??

as harsh as this reads ,theres an awful lot of you controlling the realship and he probably doesn't know what leg he is standing on ..

theres 4 kids and I'm guessing an awful lot of strings attached with the abusive ex

he also told me his ex was basically a highflyer in medical professional and recently qualfied...then i found out she was'nt what he told me no where as high up the ladder he put her actually not even the same area... when i tackled him about it he told me she lied to him about it and he beleived her...they were together a year how do u not know there profession...i only found out on facebook!! and somebody i know who knew her..!! to me i just keep wondering if anything he told me was true!! i also wonder if i'm just a good option...i've my own house and its a very good size in a lovely location...with a low mortage...car...career...he does'nt own a home or anything like that but how can you think you have a future with somebody if u havent told ur family the truth? he goes on about us having a baby some day...

You question him about not knowing ,yet your ex decivded you throughout your realship

he has no home or anything and you are a good option ,just on that line alone.i would suggest walking away from him ..

who he gonna say owns my children??

no matter what or how went on inside your realship with your ex ,he is the kids father ..maybe the answer to his not telling his parents lies within that quote


give the man a chance to find true happiness
allow yourself to heal and regain trust in yourself ,i have no doubt that what you have being through is like ptsd..

in the lies and deceit of your life with your ex,your power as a woman has being taken and thrown aside ..judgment has being broken
Maybe you need to get over the ex and his lies ?

ash23

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Putting pressure on someone to disclose information to another party is unfair.

He probably feels under pressure as it is and putting added strain, like demanding when he tells them, how he tells them and the circumstances around the discussion is a really unfair way of approaching this.

Nope if someone was denying a huge part of who I am for a year long relationship, they'd be gone. Being a mother is part of who I am and who the OP is. A HUGE part of it. Nothing to be ashamed of or secretive about.

I couldn't be with someone who felt ashamed of the fact that I am who I am to the point of lying about it for a year.
It's my opinion that if someone has such a negative view about dating a single parent, to the point where they are afraid other people will look down on them, then they shouldn't be dating a single parent in the first place.
It's absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of and no single parent should have to put up with their kids being likened to being a dirty little secret that has to be kept from a persons family and friends.

K_P

Not mentioning your kids is a bit of a worry. But the regular lies you've caught him out on and keeping you completely separate from the rest of his life after a year would be huge red flags to me.

What really stood out to me is warning you away from speaking to his ex because "she's trouble". More likely it would be trouble for him if you spoke to her.

Something's not right with this guy.