Brother is driving the family apart

LegacyUser

My brother is 28, almost 29, lives at home, doesn't drive, on the dole and sleeps/drinks/smokes a lot. He's not necessarily a bad person, but he can be incredibly self centred. I'm younger, 25, living out of home working etc. Everytime I go home to see my family they are fighting over something.

My mother panders to him quite a bit. She's clearly very upset by his actions, she gets into a very bad mood everyday because he sleeps in so late and does basically nothing to further his life. Shes also getting to breaking point with it, and has been crying a lot lately. My dad is much harder with him and would have probably thrown him out at this stage, but my mum wouldn't allow it. He also contributes nothing financially to living at home and spends his dole on entertainment/smoking/beer etc.

I have been going through a bad patch myself lately but I feel like my family basically aren't there to support me. So much energy and anger has been directed at my brother for so long that I have sort of drifted into the background and I'm barely even acknowledged. For instance today I went to visit my parents but my mother and brother had a big argument this morning. When I got there my mother was in such a bad mood that she barely looked at me let alone talked to me, and just left the room to go to bed.

My dad is so stressed out with the whole thing I'm afraid he'll have a heart attack. Theres no talking to my brother. Every one of us has expressed how unbelievably unfair hes acting and how much he is upsetting everyone but he just says "I know I know" and doesnt change.

Its gotten to the stage where I don't even want to go home and visit my family. Both parents have already said that this christmas will be terrible anyway. I wish I could just go spend christmas with my boyfriend or friends but I'd feel guilty if I left the family.

I just feel stuck.

misschoo

I empathise with you OP. I'm Going through the same thing only my brother is 41. Because he is living there my Mother an OAP has had her benefits taken from her as he as seen as a contributitor to the household which he is not. He is aggressive & verbally abusive towards me when I am in the house. My Mother doesn't listen to be when I try to talk to her about it even though she cAn see it for herself. I have gone to Citizens Advice about it but unless my mum is willing to get him out there's nothing they can do.

Maybe you need to back away for your own self for a little while - go for Christmas dinner but leave afterwards. Go for a pint with your Dad & talk? I wish my Dad was here - things would be so different. You need to get to the bottom of why your Mum panders to him so much? Why does your Dad allow it to go on?

December2012

I think you should talk to your parents directly about your problems that you are having, but not those with your brother.

In a way you have to snatch back the attention that they give to him.

You will not and cannot change how they interact eith him, but you can change your relationship with them by asking them for help or to listen.

username123

maydaymalone123 wrote: »

I wish I could just go spend christmas with my boyfriend or friends but I'd feel guilty if I left the family.

Ah, family guilt, its a very difficult one.

What you need to remember here is that everyone else is actually choosing this situation. Your brother chooses it because frankly - why not? Your mother chooses it because she would feel guilty if she kicked him out. Your father chooses it to placate your mother.

Your mothers guilt is really what allows the whole negative situation to breed more negativity and generate more problems.

Following on in the family tradition, you feel guilty about them so you continue to visit and be negatively affected by how they are behaving.

You cant change any of them. You can certainly express yourself and how you feel about it - and no doubt you already have. But they need to make the relevant changes to resolve the situation - and none of them do.

Everyone in the situation is looking after their themselves. Your brother is only thinking of himself. Your mother is focused on trying not to be responsible for kicking him out - she doesnt want that guilt. Your father doesnt want to rock the boat with your mother - so he behaves the way he does to keep his position stable.

So why dont you look after yourself? Do what makes you happy and dont behave like your mother - doing things just so you wont feel guilty.

I had a horribly toxic dysfunctional family and like you I used to visit and hate it but feel guilty if I didnt. Guess what? When you start doing the right thing for yourself, you will realise that there is no need for you to feel guilty for looking after you!!

Go and spend Christmas where you want to - so what if they complain? Just tell them that no one in their right mind would choose to spend Christmas in such a negative environment and that while they are free to make that environment as it is, you are free to choose not to be there. Let them feel guilty about you for a change.

Maura74

Can you think of any reason why your brother is acting like he is, has even been in a relationship or been in any kind of employment. Why not speak to him and asked him if he has got personal problems.

He would be a completely different person if he was self-reliant and probable does not like been in the situation he is in.

Speak to him and see if you can help him ie in getting a job or some sort of training for his future.

Best of Luck.

Sleepy

Could your brother be suffering from depression? At the very least it sounds like he's stuck in the rut of too comfortable a life living off your parents.

Really it seems like helping him to make a life for himself would solve all your families problems. If he's not prepared to accept help or get off his arse and your parents aren't prepared to at the very least start charging him some rent and board to make his dole a little harder to live on then tbh, I don't see why you should feel guilty spending Christmas with your boyfriends family at all...

LegacyUser

Thanks username123, your post really hit home for me. I guess it is guilt that keeps me going back. I'm aware christmas day will be miserable, heck they have even told me themselves that it will be. But I feel like I can't not go back. I don't think it particularly improves their moods (well, maybe my dads) to have me around, but at the same time I know I would get a huge guilt trip if I didn't go back. I wouldn't be surprised if my mother stopped talking to me altogether.

I have spoken to my parents about how I am going through a bad patch at the moment and feeling down. I got about an hour of attention and now its back to nothing. They never even ask how I am... I suppose my mum is the main problem. She is just 100% focused on my brother, and its seems like shes so consumed with being miserable about him that everything else has been forgotten.

He has suffered from depression in the past, and he probably is a little depressed now. However, I don't believe that is the real issue. He has no problem going out and having fun and from watching him with depression in the past, it just doesnt seem the same. He just comes across as incredibly self-centred and self-pitying. Everything has to be done for him. And of course my mother does a lot for him so its perpetuated.

I had a heart to heart with my dad a week or so ago where he basically acknowledged that they are both so focused on my brother that I get lost in the background and as he described it I have always been "the one on the outside looking in". Thats very much how I feel. It's probably something I need to just accept.

I know if I say I'm not going over for Christmas I will be made out to be a horrible person, even though I've done nothing wrong...

username123

maydaymalone123 wrote: »

I know if I say I'm not going over for Christmas I will be made out to be a horrible person, even though I've done nothing wrong...

This is what you need to make your peace with. I had to do this as well. I freely admit, I was very guilty when I first started behaving differently and doing my own thing and refusing to be sucked back into the dysfunctional situation all the time but I used to look at it like this:

When my parents were my age, were they feeling guilty about their own parents and going into situations that were horribly uncomfortable just so they wouldnt feel bad? Were they f**k! They were living their own lives!

You actually HAVE to be selfish here as a means of self preservation. It is detrimental to your mental health to be guilted into spending unhappy time in a negative environment all the time. Your family uses guilt as a tool. You saying your mother might stop talking to you if you do your own thing? Thats emotional blackmail and not a healthy way to resolve conflict. You probably have bad conflict resolution skills yourself as a result of your upbringing (I do and I try to work on them but its hard to shake off your upbringing).

If you break away, there will be an initial rebellion of them trying to keep the status quo and pushing a lot of guilt at you but they will get over it. And if they dont? So what? What are you losing out on here? A crappy unhappy environment that only serves to make you feel bad over and over again. Whats the point in trying to preserve that at all?

You can still have a relationship with your parents but have it on your own terms. Ask them to call to you, to meet you out in places. Stop going to the house of negativity.

DEFTLEFTHAND

He can't be in a good state of mind living like he is, I imagine his self esteem is quite low. Has he ever tried talking to a counselor or anything? I'm sure he wants to get up and going in life but maybes there's issues there that he needs to work through first.

Maybe try and talk to him with your mum and dad over xmas about it and try and come up with a plan for the new year.