What should I do?

TidayBay

Basically ive been going out with a lovely sweet girl for just over a year now, we get on so well and enjoy each others company alot but i've began to realise in the last few months that I just don't raeally fancy her to a point where i've began making excuses when it comes to sex, I know people say looks arent everything and all that jazz but theyre important right? I've had better looking girlfriends in the past but their personalities where no where near as good as my current girlfriend.

The sad thing is she has started making plans for us for the new year like going on holidays etc etc and in the back of my mind i'm like "I really dont know"

In january should I just call a spade a spade and end it? the thoughts of hurting her is breaking my heart,

p.s we're both 31

CaraMay

Yeah do break up with her sooner rather than later as I don't think you can stay with someone you don't fancy enough.

Pippy1976

TidayBay wrote: »

In january should I just call a spade a spade p.s we're both 31

Why wait 'til January. The inevitable is what it is and there's no point stringing her along. I know if someone dumped me in January it'd be a case of, oh, he just wanted to get a gift out of me!

Age is irrelevant.

Merkin

TidayBay wrote: »

Basically ive been going out with a lovely sweet girl for just over a year now, we get on so well and enjoy each others company alot but i've began to realise in the last few months that I just don't raeally fancy her to a point where i've began making excuses when it comes to sex

This is a no brainer. Of course you need to break up with her and waiting until January is not a good idea at all. If is has no future then you need to rip that plaster. Break up with her now and at least she will be out of work for a week or two while it sinks in.

CaraMay

Merkin wrote: »

This is a no brainer. Of course you need to break up with her and waiting until January is not a good idea at all. If is has no future then you need to rip that plaster. Break up with her now and at least she will be out of work for a week or two while it sinks in.

I don't agree. Waiting two more weeks won't make much difference at this stage.

Merkin

But it's deceitful Cara May. It's much fairer on both parties to pull the plug if the OP is 100% sure that he doesn't see a future. There obviously is no future if he doesn't find her physically attractive. If we look for it, there is never a good time. Her cat could die in January. Then you've Valentines Day. The timing is never optimum if we are to look at it in those terms. Much better to do it now and at least she will be around family and friends while she drowns her sorrows/wants to be around loved ones.

Obviously up to you OP but I don't see the point in prolonging the inevitable.

CaraMay

It's not deceitful if it's with her best interests at heart. It's very cruel to dump her a week before Xmas.

Stavro Mueller

Someone on another thread recently told us about her boyfriend breaking up with her shortly after going on a romantic break. When she asked him how long he'd been thinking about it, he said a while. She said she'd never forgive him for going through the charade all because he didn't want to lose his deposit for the holiday.

And as Merkin has rightly pointed out, there's never a good time. It'll always be too close to Christmas, Valentine's day, her birthday, her exams, her granny's anniversary. I know if I was going to be dumped I'd resent my OH pretending over Christmas. It devalues it.

Merkin

January is the most depressing month of the year so you could say it's equally cruel to wait until then.

Anyway, off topic, we'll agree to differ

You mention in your OP that she is starting to make plans for the new year. From a practical point of view it might be best to say it now lest she goes and spends a fortune.

ShaShaBear

CaraMay wrote: »

It's not deceitful if it's with her best interests at heart. It's very cruel to dump her a week before Xmas.

And it'd be very cruel to make the decision to dump her after Christmas, and have that subtle air of "it's over" emanating from you so much that she knows something is wrong and is filled with dread over it.

Do it now OP, she's probably already noticed the sex excuses and is already feeling unwanted and unattractive, no point in her getting worked up and upset wondering why you are distant with her all over Xmas.

Unless of course you plan on wooing her, seducing her, telling her you love her and giving her plenty of cuddles and kisses right up until the point where you dump her. In which case, yeah, you're being deceitful. Anything less than your usual loving self is going to tip her off.

GreeBo

She is going to be hurt, better to start healing sooner rather than later.
You risk leaving her to feel like a fool about planning stuff for the future the longer you leave it.

Did you ever fancy her? Is it just that the initial "new" attraction has fizzled out a bit? If so thats pretty normal, maybe you just need to make an effort (both of you) to rekindle it?

Otherwise you need to just suck it up, let her know and walk away.

judgefudge

Mm obviously there is never a good time to dump someone. But at the same time a week before Christmas is hardly a good time. I would be inclined to leave it til at least after Christmas Day.

Believe it or not not everyone has a huge family around them at Christmas for support, Christmas Day can actually be a little depressing for some people whose families are a strain. And you would hardly want some big emotional trauma on top of that to deal with.

What's another week or two at this rate? You've already said you're not being intimate with her so I'd just leave it for a while. Holidays can be hard.

Chara1001

Years ago I got dumped just before Christmas, I was outraged at the time, but I actually still enjoyed Christmas- got to hang out with family and friends that it would have been more difficult to see at the time, and they really supported me. Also, like someone mentioned above it was xmas break from college which really helped.
I think you need to do it, she might have that niggly feeling something is wrong already

GreeBo

OP I spent nearly half of my adult life with someone that, if I had sat down and been honest with myself, I wasn't in love with and didn't "fancy" any longer.
It's very easy to drift along in a relationship, it's comforting to have a friend always there and caring for you, but a partner needs to be more than just a friend. Otherwise you might wake up some day and realise that years have gone by.

ivytwine

CaraMay wrote: »

It's not deceitful if it's with her best interests at heart. It's very cruel to dump her a week before Xmas.

I was in the girl's position before, a guy wanted to wait until after my birthday to dump me. The relationship was dead at this stage, although I was too blind to see it .

Result? My worst birthday ever where my boyfriend couldn't be bothered to text me'happy birthday' and when he did get in contact couldn't keep a civil tongue in his head.

Personally I would have much rather been dumped two weeks before my birthday rather than having a totally disinterested man telling me I should be grateful that anyone would go out for my birthday.

There is never a right time, but if you've lost respect and love for this woman, she'll prob be able to tell, and that will make for an unpleasant Christmas

CaraMay

Where does ye say that he has lost respect for her? I don't see any indications that he will treat her like crap.

Tbh if someone had treated me like you say on my birthday I would be dumping him and not the other way around.

Crank Stain

Is there any possibility you can rescue this relationship? Maybe spice things up in the bedroom dept.?

You seem to genuinely care for this girl, you say shes lovely, sweet, you enjoy her company, she has a great personality and the thought of hurting her breaks your heart. That sounds like love to me.

Don’t say anything unless you are 100% sure this can’t be rescued, if you say anything too soon it may not be possible to turn back the clock. She sounds like an ideal partner in every way except the bedroom, so I wouldn’t be too hasty about ending it.

I felt I had to say something, the debate on whether or not it was better to dump her before Christmas doesn’t seem relevant to me.

judgefudge

Yeah there's nothing to say that just because you're waiting a week or two for Christmas to be over you have to act all distant and mean to her in the meantime. Be sound about it. At the same time don't make any fake plans or be intimate with her, that wouldn't be fair.

ivytwine

CaraMay wrote: »

Where does ye say that he has lost respect for her? I don't see any indications that he will treat her like crap.

Tbh if someone had treated me like you say on my birthday I would be dumping him and not the other way around.

I should have done, but I was a lot younger then and too starry-eyed.

He might not mean to treat her badly, but I think dragging it out is treating her badly. He has to fake it all through Christmas when she thinks they have a future and go along with it and act like it's what he wants to.

I know it's only 6 days away but she will be full of the joys and probably planning their future and their next Xmas together. And he has to fake it. Some people are capable of doing that, but others aren't. He could snap and tell her that it's over and that'd be way worse than doing it in a mature way.

And if Xmas is a bad time to do it when is a good time? Do you think he should wait until the new year? Or after she's settled into her new year resolutions?

Breaking up is never pleasant but there's no point in dragging it out. Or else he will find himself married to a woman he doesn't love anymore.

ivytwine

judgefudge wrote: »

Yeah there's nothing to say that just because you're waiting a week or two for Christmas to be over you have to act all distant and mean to her in the meantime. Be sound about it. At the same time don't make any fake plans or be intimate with her, that wouldn't be fair.

Would she not notice he's acting distant?

judgefudge

People keep saying all through Christmas like it's a massive period of time. Christmas will be over this time next week. And you can say as someone else did that there's never a good time (her cat might die etc.) but there are worse times. I know I wouldn't want to go through a break up at the same time as being obligated to go to family gatherings and put on a brave face. He doesn't have to act distant, he obviously cares for the girl and gets along with her.

ShaShaBear

judgefudge wrote: »

People keep saying all through Christmas like it's a massive period of time. Christmas will be over this time next week. And you can say as someone else did that there's never a good time (her cat might die etc.) but there are worse times. I know I wouldn't want to go through a break up at the same time as being obligated to go to family gatherings and put on a brave face. He doesn't have to act distant, he obviously cares for the girl and gets along with her.

Hes already acting distant. He's making excuses to avoid having sex with her. Im sure shes noticed.

Matteroffact

Don't expect another human being to tick all of the boxes for you. You won't get everything in one person so you have to weigh up what the most important things are for you. The very fact that you are contemplating breaking up with this girl speaks volumes. You would not want to do this under any circumstances if she was the one. It is noble not to want to hurt her but you have to take yourself into consideration too.

bravojordan

Ok I've bee here and no ur not with right person... I've been in love with somebody average and thought they were bloody goergous cause I was in love and chemistry was there....I've been with somebody who was deemed very attractive didn't love them no chemistry and make exuses about sex they were mad about me and I found it so hard to break up with them cause I really liked them as a person...and yes wait till after Christmas for breakup mayb mid January cause otherwise they will always assisioate Christmas with a break up just saying.....